22 - A Tribute To Alex

On the 16th I turned 22, which is the age that my friend Alex passed away at. She died of all the same illnesses I had, and two years ago when she passed away I was just newly in remission. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and even thriving now. 

To be turning the age she was when she passed away is so incredibly bittersweet for me. She has been constantly, heavily on my mind lately. But I can feel that this year of being 22 is going to bring me so many blessings. I just know it, and I know Alex will be working her magic. 

Alex’s number was 22, it was her lucky number, it was always her sports number, and she ended up even passing away at 22.

Just about every day that she’s been gone she sends me a strategically timed 22 somewhere as a little hello from heaven, as a pat on the back, as encouragement, as guidance, as a reminder... 

Example: Right after midnight this New Year’s Eve I noticed we had been dancing right next to table number 22, and I knew that was her way of saying she was with us and she was happy for my happiness. 

I’m blessed that she is always with me, every day, and since we’re walking through life hand in hand between worlds, 22 has become my number too, my other number, our number. 

I’m intentionally carrying forward Alex’s 22s and everything that her beautiful soul embodies. To be turning 22, her number, is emotional, and special, and so meaningful. I feel her with me more than ever.

She’s been encouraging me so much to celebrate life and all of my blessings and milestones, and I am, and I will continue to remind myself to do so! But I also can’t help that there is a big part of my heart that in some way wants to dedicate this year of being 22 to her. That may sound odd to some too, but I know what I’m feeling inside. If nothing else, I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light. 

So as I’m stepping into being 22, that’s what I want to embody, and that’s how I want to honor Alex. 

Thank you, to my dear sweet angel friend, Alex. 

I coincidentally finished writing this at 2:22.

More About Alex

If anyone reading this would like to learn more about Alex's story or if you'd like to donate to the Alex Hudson Lyme Foundation you can visit their website here: https://www.alexhudsonlymefoundation.org

I also shared some of Alex's story in this video. 

Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express. 

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

Recently, I had a long and meaningful phone conversation with my only friend in remission.

She and I have very paralleled health journeys, having our lowest points around the same time, almost dying around the same time, and we ended up in remission around the same time too.

We’ve bonded a lot over our paralleled health stories, but especially over our paralleled remission journeys. 

One day we had this long phone call just comparing notes, comparing things we both went through, and one topic I loved and wanted to turn into something to share was the topic of, “The things people don’t tell you about remission.”

She and I both were very much so “lone wolves” in our health struggles and had no real reference point of what our futures (and health especially) would look like. Honestly, we both had come to terms with death as a very realistic option because with how sick we got neither of us really expected to live to see where we are now. Through stubborn perseverance we are both alive and well, but since we had no reference points for what to expect in health, we had no idea what to expect for “remission” either.

Thus…

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

🌸Remission doesn’t instantly mean that you’re 100% better and back to a totally normal “Old you”,“old life.”

🌸Remission (and healing) is a gradual process. You will have to continue to be patient, forgiving, and extra compassionate to yourself, and on top of it all you will still need to work daily on continuing and up-keeping your health. 

🌸There are still a hell of a lot of good days and bad days, but they become less extreme, the bad days start to lessen, and the good days gradually get better. Shit will still hit the fan from time to time, but it won’t be as bad, or nearly as frequent, and you gradually will learn to cope better and better with it.

🌸The good days feel even better than you can imagine, and you will happy cry a lot.

🌸The bad days will likely trigger your past scars a lot more than you’d expect. 

🌸Health flares do still happen, for a lot longer than you’d probably expect. Don’t panic, it doesn’t  necessarily mean you’re relapsing and need to jump back into fight or flight responses. It could be hormones, it could be stress, it could be the moon, it could be a cold, it could be that you ate some food you shouldn’t have. Chill, give it a few days, and see how you do. Healthy people function by the rule of ,“Wait a week or two and see if it worsens, contact your doctor if it does.” This is you now. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 

🌸Some days you’re going to cry like the world is ending and you don’t even know why.

🌸Some days you’re going to still feel stuck, “less than”, or frustrated in the pace that things are going. 

🌸Some days you’re going to wonder if it all was a bad dream. 

🌸Some moments you’re going to completely forget about the past. 

🌸It will all feel a bit odd and twilight-zone-y, like your own personal parallel universes are colliding. 

🌸You will fit in even less now. When you were healthy you had that, when you were sick you found your sick friends, but now that you’re in remission there’s much fewer people in this phase, and even fewer who are in the same place as you right now. This is probably the least you will ever fit in because you don’t really fit on either side of those lines now. Embrace being different. Just be you. 

🌸It will be a bit odd to have your sick friend life and your healthy friend life and have yourself be somewhere bouncing back and forth in-between, juggling two different identities. I hope you choose your new, healthier identity, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with any friends, not if you don’t want to, not if they still bring you joy. 

🌸If you’re lucky you will find someone who’s at the same stage of remission as you and you’ll at least have them to talk and fully relate to, but everyone else… doesn’t really get it. 

🌸You will naturally have expectations of what remission will look and feel like, and I promise you it will end up being different than that. That’s not a good or bad thing either, it’s just how life goes. 

🌸There will be things you’ll expect to want to do once in remission, but when you finally get there you may not have any interest, or it may not fit or be as fun as you thought. Don’t hover too long on that and shift your attention back towards things you do enjoy, and things you do want to do. You deserve some self indulgence. Follow your joy. Follow the things that make you excited about life again. 

🌸Re-entering life can be incredibly daunting, triggering, and even scary. Push past the fear, worry, anxieties, doubts and all of that crap. 

🌸You most likely will have some level of PTSD. It’s time to learn more about PTSD and healing, and then take advantage of resources to help you move forward. Reading self help books or seeking out a therapist are great options. 

🌸Get out of your own head, and in fact, just getting out in general would be good for you. 

🌸You can still overdo it and set yourself back because you’re still healing. You don’t have to over-stress and overthink this, just respect your limits when they do start to arise. Listen to your body. 

🌸As you move forwards in your healing, all of your limits and boundaries will constantly be in flux, constantly shifting, and hopefully in a healthy direction. It can feel frustrating to not have consistency in these areas, but try to hold onto gratitude because you are moving forwards! Remember when you got sick and all of your limits and boundaries shifted backwards for a long time? Now you’re doing that in reverse and the forward movement is a wonderful thing!

🌸Some things will emotionally feel more raw because now you finally have the energy to actually feel! (pros and cons to that lol) You’ve greatly healed your body, and now your body will allow in more emotions, which means you have work to do in healing your emotions and mind. Again, friends, self help books, and therapy are great options. 

🌸Time will help your wounds, but it won’t completely erase the scars, and the memory of the pain that caused them. It’s a normal part of human existence to have this happen. We all have our scars.

🌸Try to remind yourself of what things are a normal part of human existence. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets random little illnesses, everyone cries and has emotional outbursts, everyone overdoes it sometimes, everyone has those days where they overthink their existence and don’t feel good enough, everyone has a sleepless night every once in a while, etc, etc etc. Before you panic, before you spiral out of control, remember what things are just a part of being human. 

Let's Talk More About Remission

In short, remission is not easy, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and it’s surely not what I expected. 

I think there’s a lack of people honestly sharing about remission because they’re either trying very hard to “fit in and just be normal” and/or they’re underwhelmed and don’t want to discourage others or kill their hope. But since no one’s honestly sharing about the ups and downs it leaves everyone in remission feeling alone, and probably a bit panic-y too. 

I realized in talking with my remission buddy, and through our countless conversations comparing remission and seeking validation to know we aren’t alone in this odd limbo space in our lives, that this is something I need to talk more about. I realize I’ve focused so much on trying to give people hope that they can make it into remission that I forgot to give attention to what remission actually looks and feels like. Granted, remission will be different for everyone, but hopefully in sharing more about it I can cover at least some of the bases. 

The last thing I want is for someone who’s sick to feel like, “I have nothing to look froward to. It’s still going to be hard. Why keep trying?” I’ve had my share of days where I feel that way, but most days I’m incredibly grateful for my ever-improving quality of health and life. I’m always grateful that I didn’t give up. Remission is hard sometimes, life is hard sometimes, but it’s all absolutely worth it. 

In sharing more about remission I simply want to look out for and speak up for all my fellow remission buddies out there in the world. Hopefully it won’t discourage those who are still searching for healing, but it will give them a more realistic idea of what it feels like to actually enter remission. I had no real guidelines for what to expect in my health journey, I didn’t have someone to look up to or look to for guidance or validation, and there have been countless times that I really could’ve benefited from that. I don’t expect everyone to relate to my journey, but I know someone out there will and whoever that person is, this is for you.