Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express. 

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Goodbye, Winter... Hello, Spring!

It's been months since I've written on here and updated. Frankly, that's because I just haven't known where to start. I've had so many ups and downs. 

I'll start by saying, I'm still in our guest room and not back in my own bedroom... yet. It's been 5 months since I started staying in here. It's been since New Years basically. Initially, I moved in here because a mouse died in the wall of my bedroom and I couldn't take the smell. It took a good month for that to go away, and then another one died and that took a month too! So! There was that haha. Also, this room was already puppy proofed and this bed is right on the floor. So it was already good and safe for my puppy, and my room needs a lot of work for it to be puppy ready and I just didn't have the energy. So.... 5 months later, here I still am. 

I am wanting and planning to move back into my room though. I've started to clean little by little. I'm very excited to get back into my own space and be in a room that fully feels like me. My little, pink, girly room, with my excessive amount of fluffy pillows, stuffed animals, and all of my pretty little twinkle lights. It'll be so nice and good for me. I can't wait. We'll be together soon my beloved bed!😻😭🙌❤️

Here in this room, since I last wrote, I took down the clock that was staring me down, taunting me every night. (If you don't understand that reference just read my last post and you'll understand.) I first came to peace with it and got rid of its negative energy, and then took it down and put it away into the back of the closet in this room. In it's place, I put up a dream catcher than my mom’s amazing cousin MADE for me. It's something new, for my fresh start, filled with only positivity, and made with pure love. It feels immensely better than the clock that didn't work, to say the least. It's hung across the room staring down over my bed, which isn't traditional for dream catchers, but for here, in this room, it felt right. It felt needed. I needed something better to look over me. 

I can't wait to move back to my room though and hang it above by bed where it's meant to go. I can't wait. I can already feel how right it'll feel. 

It's been one of my longest, and hardest winters I’ve ever had. I can't wait to leave it all behind in this room and start spring (and summer) freshly and brightly in my own room, all clean. It’s literally a clean slate! It's exactly what I need. 

Oddly, I've also come to realize that maybe I was meant to be in this room over winter. Maybe it was exactly for this reason, that I needed to leave all of my sadness and negativity of winter behind in a different room. That way when I would move back into my own space, 1, it would be clear of all the old, bad energy, and 2, I would be ready to reset and truly start fresh. 

I’ve been forced to face a lot of my old demons too that I left behind in this room years ago. I mean, quite literally I had to face my old demons. I’ll talk about that more in separate posts though I guess haha. But! In short… All of the old energy I had in this room years ago, stayed exactly where I left it. So…I’ve had to deal with that. I had to work really hard to get the negative energy out of this room, and I finally did get it to clear out!

I’ve finally made my peace with this room. It just feels like a big empty room to me now, no more bad energy/memories weighing it (or me) down anymore. 

I’m just really happy to move back to my room now and to leave this room behind better than when I came into it. 

I'm ready! I'm ready to reset and have a fresh start with a new attitude. I'm ready to open all the dusty windows and let the light in. I'm ready. Bring on the light!

Spring time represents rebirth, renewal, growth, love, and HOPE. 

It’s been a beautiful spring, both literally and metaphorically. 

I’ll be writing again soon. There’s still so much I want to talk about.

Until next time...

❤️🌸🌱☀️

Happy Birthday To Me

I can't believe I'm turning 19 tomorrow. It feels weird. It feels like I shouldn't be turning 19 yet. Plus the fact that I'm so unhappy right now makes it feel like "How could I be having a birthday? I'm SO unhappy. I should be happy if my birthday is tomorrow."

It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive. This isn't where I thought I'd be by this age. This isn't what I'd imagined. This isn't what I'd always hope for. I had so many hopes and dreams and it's all just gone. It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it. I'm the type of person that I always see things coming. I plan, I'm intuitive, I'm observant, I brace myself for what I foresee coming in life, and I never miss stuff. I'm almost always able to anticipate life. But I never planned for this. I never saw this coming. Obviously me first getting sick was a blind side but I always felt that by this age, by college I would surely be better by then. Right? I had to be. That'd be unimaginable to be sick for over 4 years. But the unimaginable happened, so here I am, and I'm at a complete loss for what to do or think. 

Where am I supposed to go from here? 

4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally! 

So much has gone on in the last 4 years too! I've had plenty of very high points and obviously lots of lows, but the fact that all this time later I'm LITERALLY in the exact same place absolutely kills me. 

I may as well have just been doing nothing all this time because I'm in the same goddamn place anyway. It completely invalidates everything I've done for the last 4 years. 

Coming to realize all of that has done a few things to me. 

1. I'm suicidal, and the fact that I'm back to being this bad breaks my heart. 

2. I'm pissed as FUCK. I was going to say hell, but sorry not sorry "hell" just ain't cutting it today. This is a fuck moment okay. I. Am. Pissed. Off. As. Fuckkkk!

3. I had a total panic attack/mental breakdown this week. Haven't had one of those in a long time, so as you can probably guess I'm both mad and sad about that. 

4. I feel lost. 

5. I feel confused. 

6. I have no drive left. I've come 360 right back to where I started and way too literally am in the exact same place as 4 years ago, and I just feel done. I don't want to do this anymore, and honestly I'm starting to not see the point of trying anymore. Why fucking try if after 4 years of constant hard work I've gotten absolutely no where? 

You try and answer that.

Gone on, try. 

Imagine being in my place and 4 years of excruciating pain and constant trial and error and failure and picking yourself back up and trying again and again and again...4 YEARS!...4 years of your entire life revolving around you trying your absolute hardest to get better, and then you're in the same goddamn place. 

Now you imagine how you'd feel. 

I bet you can't blame me for wanting to give up. 

So, I guess we should talk about why I don't give up. Why in the 4 years of constant hardship have I not given up? My family. I'd be dead without them. I would gladly be dead as of mmmm probably 4 years ago had I not had my family. Just the pure fact that I can't put them through losing me because I know how much it would hurt them, that keeps me alive. Continuing to try despite my constant failures... that ones harder. I found out I actually can't physically give up. It goes against everything I am. Which pisses me off. It'd be easier to give up but I'm just so stubborn and I can't. A lot of the time I wish I could give up. 

Have I really made no progress in 4 years? 

No

Am I EXACTLY in the same place as 4 years ago?

Yes haha. Literally. Same exact place. 

Am I EXACTLY the same?

Helllll no. 

A foot less of hair, probably an inch taller, 4-5 years older, I have a boyfriend, I have a child (he's a puppy haha), I actually have some friends (4 years ago at this time I had none. Literally. I had zero friends. Just my family.), I have a high school diploma and a valedictorian medal to show for all my hard academic work, I have a guitar that I love with all of my heart, I have scars all over my back that I didn't have 4 years ago that will forever remind me of everything I've been through... 

So much has happened. So much has changed. I've changed immensely. I don't feel like the same person at all. 4 years ago I didn't used to cry. 3 years ago I didn't used to cry. Hell just one year ago I barely cried. But now, in the last 6 months I've cried so much. That is a product of me pushing myself to deal with a lot of things I've suppressed and avoided for years. I pushed myself to grow and embracing that I needed to cry over things from my past was a big part of that. I communicate sooooo much better by now. I'm much more in tuned with my body. I'm a really good writer by now. I have a YouTube page and I sing in videos and I have 2 blogs that I love to write for. I'm more open and so much less afraid. I'm more confident in who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I'm a survivor. It's just what I do. I survive. 

Currently.... I'm quite literally struggling to survive. I'm having allergic reactions to everything and all foods. Sooooo my body doesn't exactly want me to be alive and my mind is starting to believe that too. It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to. But I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. 

I still have a lot of things to show for all the things I've done in the last 4 years, but the fact that I'm literally in the same place and I know that mentally (depression/anxiety wise) this is where I was at 4 years ago, it's so hard on me. I never stop trying my absolute hardest and yet I'm always just stuck. Right now, I'm helplessly backsliding and it's just killing me. All of 2016 I spent desperately clawing to try and make progress and I only just kept backsliding more and more. Now a new year has started and nothing changed. I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away. 

So... 4 years later here I am writing, just like how I always do. 

I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something... 

I know tomorrow is going to be hard and sad day for me, to do nothing and feel so depressed on my birthday. It's going to gut me. I know I'm bound to cry tomorrow. Hell, just thinking about my birthday being tomorrow and knowing I feel nothing but sadness makes me want to cry now. It's gonna be a rough day. But it just is what it is. This is my life. Sadly. I just have to make the most of it. 

The biggest difference between now and 4 years ago is tonight I'm going to fall asleep with my puppy and I'll wake up to his cute little face and that look of unconditional love. That's priceless.

Dealing With Disappointment

I don't even know where to start with this post... 
I feel lost. 

I'm hurting so much, both physically and emotionally, and I don't actually have a desire to really try and fix that right now either. I've been stuck for so long, and I've been trying so hard to push through it all, but it's gotten me nowhere. I'm still backtracking, no matter how hard I try to push through it all. I had hope, and all that got me was hurt. The few times I actually let myself get even remotely hopeful, it comes crashing back down on me. I'm tired, and I just can't do this right now. I've been fighting off depression for so long and I'm just done fighting it. The last straw finally broke my back. Congratulations world, you've officially broken me, again. 

We're soon coming up on the 4 year anniversary of me getting sick, and I feel nothing but sadness. It's so painful to think about how much of my life this illness has stolen from me. I've lost so much due to being sick...

As for today... People would never know, but I've been crying the majority of the last 24 hours. We've had a trip to Hawaii planned for a year now, assuming then that I would be much better by now. We were wrong though. I've been more stressed and worried about the trip the closer it kept getting, so much so, that I wasn't even excited for it. My gut instinct has been telling me that going on the trip would be really really bad for my health. But I followed along with my moms optimism for a while instead and tried to ignore my instincts. I got worse this weekend though, and then the next day I was worse, and the day after that I was worse. So today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision that I can't go to Hawaii. I weighed it a lot, and it was just a catch 22. Either I stay and be heartbroken and miserable at home, or I go and be sick and miserable there... In the end I decided I would rather just be miserable here than ware myself out and probably get more sick.

In and amongst all of me weighing the options, I actually figured out something interesting that I hadn't really realized before. I figured out that it would actually be harder on me emotionally to go to Hawaii than it would be to stay home. My mom was confused by me saying that, and to a lot of people I'm sure it won't make sense, but heres the thing... The last time we were in Hawaii was 4 years ago, right before I got sick. I was still myself, I was adventuring daily, I had energy, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was full of life and optimism and was ready to take on high school and then the world. I had plans, and big dreams. I was still myself. Then, everything changed. I lost everything, including myself when I got sick, and I didn't realize it but Hawaii represents everything I used to be. 

So, going to Hawaii now and being too sick to do anything, too tired to go out, and just staying in the room all day would be extremely painful for me. It should be a fun trip. The change of scenery should be something that would make me so happy, but I know thats now how things are with me. Its not the same anymore. Things that used to make me happy and used to be "me", are all just a painful reminder of all that I've lost because of my illness. I've lost 4 years of my life to this. 4 years. 

I know a lot of my emotional pain right now is because I cant stop thinking about how long I've been sick. Its a harsh reality that never gets easier to accept, and if anything, the longer I'm sick, the more it hurts me. 

I've never really let myself feel so many emotions or be so sad about all of this, but I feel like thats past due. For years, my mom has told me I should cry and let myself feel the emotional pain of my illness, and now that I am doing that she's much more worried about me and has said I need to "heal and move past it." The problem with that though, is its hard to move past it when I'm stuck. I can't move past something I'm still in the middle of. It'll just take time.

In the meantime, I feel like I need to be alone. I don't want people to try to cheer me up, I don't want to talk about it a bunch with people, and frankly its because no one really understands. I know that sounds like some teen-agsty crap, but this actually is true. No one really understands. Only someone who's been sick for years could really understand this feeling. It's a feeling of deep disappointment, one that you get from repeatedly getting let down and hurt over and over, and its not the kind of disappointment you feel from being let down by people either. I have that feeling too, but this ones different. I hurt on so may deep levels that most people probably can't even imagine how I feel.

(If a picture could describe how I feel right now it'd be this one.)

I'm watching everyone my age get jobs, move away to college, travel the world, and have adventures.... Those were my dreams. Those were things I'd always seen myself doing at this age too. It's so extremely painful to watch everyone else going out and living their lives how I always wanted to too, and the worst part is I can't do a goddamn thing about my life. 

I'm just stuck.

I'm not worried about how sad I am or how much I've been crying, or that I'm depressed and not really feeling like fighting anymore. I'm not giving up, but I need to feel all of this. I can't fight it right now, and frankly, I don't want to fight it anymore. I can't avoid feeling emotions forever. I just need to be broken for a while, and I'm okay with that. 

The last thing I want to say is a short story, and it's actually not too depressive either. I had a friend say something to me a year ago, the context to it is too long of a story to tell, but she said (about herself), "I'm looking for happiness in the place where I lost it." I felt like that was so poetic and beautiful. I hoped that someday I would get to do that, but I didn't really know when or where exactly I lost my happiness. I realized this week that Hawaii is the place I was happy last, and that someday I'll have to do that. I'll have to go looking for happiness in the place that I lost it. Sadly, "someday" isn't now, and I'm tired that all I'm ever promised is elusive "somedays", but thats what I've got. 

If any other sick people are reading this and can relate, feel free to message me if you need to vent to someone who understands your struggles. 
I know this was a pretty depressive post, but thats the reality of how being chronically ill goes, you have to deal with a lot of depressing things. I'm deciding to post raw, vulnerable truths about how much I hurt emotionally, because in my early years of being sick I felt so alone because I never heard about anyone else feeling like I did. If just one person reads this and feels less alone then I've accomplished what I wanted to by publicly sharing my feelings. 

Remember, it's okay to not be okay. 

Nothing lasts forever.

I hope someday you all find happiness in the place where you lost it.

Heres to someday...

🌌🌙💙

~July 27, 2016 • 4am~

I'm Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired!

I'm having a bad week, to say the least...
I've been on the verge of almost needing to go to the E.R., twice, in one week. I've cried myself to sleep, twice, in one week. I woke up crying once. I cried again late at night on a different day, and I just cried again tonight, this time in the shower... My health has been declining gradually for a while now, and this week, I finally just got too tired to keep up with being positive and hopeful. 

So, now, I'm just back in defense/survival mode. I'm not positive, I'm not hopeful, I'm not really enjoying life... All of my time, I spend taking care of myself and just trying to make it through the day, one day at a time. 

Lately, it's like I've been slowly sinking in quicksand, but I was still keeping up my good attitude. I was like, "I'll be fine! I'll find something to grab onto, or someone will pull me out! I'll make it out of this!" I didn't really worry about it, but then before I knew it, my arms went under too, and so I definitely wasn't going to be able to get myself out of it. I waited for someone else to pull me out or to find me a solution, and now I feel like it's up to my eyes and there's nothing I can do. 

It's past the point of no return. There's no quick fixes anymore. This will easily take a month or more before I'll feel "normal" again. I'm still sinking too, and that's what sucks the most. Things are still worsening...

Everyone else my age is working and partying full time. They're making money, having adventures, making memories, having fun... And then there's me. Still here. Still stuck. Still sick. 

There's such a huge gap between me and the other people my age. I feel so disconnected to my generation. I can't relate at all, and they can't relate to me either. Granted, it's been this way for a few years now, but it doesn't really make it any easier. It doesn't mean I don't still wish I was normal. Of course I still wish I was normal! With a life like mine, where I take 30 pills a day and always sleep like sh*t, who wouldn't still wish they could be normal?!

I've felt like the outsider looking in, the past 4 years of my life, and I'm deeply, truly, utterly, and just completely tired. 

I'm tired of being and feeling so disconnected and misunderstood. I'm tired of barely having a social life. I'm tired of never having the energy to do anything. I'm tired of the constant pain. I'm tired of being an insomniac. I'm tired of this being my life. I'm tired of being sick, and I'm so goddamn f*cking tired of being tired!! I'm tired every day of my life, and I can't even express how tired I am of that!!!!

People ask me how I am.

I say I'm tired. 

People laugh and say I always say that. 

I mentally burn down an imaginary city. 

Long story short is I'm not doing well. I'm really not okay. I haven't been for a while, but I'm now finally just accepting that I can't run from this, and I just need to try to get through this as best as I can. I can't fake my way through it anymore. In every way, I'm beyond tired. You can't even imagine how deeply tired I am.... 

I'm slipping. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll fall back into a full depression fairly soon. I normally very rarely cry, so the fact that I've cried 5 times in a week....It's just not very reassuring. I have a bad feeling....

My therapist said, from the way I talked about all the things that have been depressing me lately (the things that are making me cry so much), that it sounds like I'm grieving. I told my mom that, and she said it actually does make sense. We're coming up on the 4 year anniversary of when I first got sick and my life fell apart. I didn't cry at all the whole first year and a half of me being sick, if not longer than that. I was so numb, that I actually physically couldn't cry. In-and-amongst-that, I acquired some bad habits connected to my depression. I used to avoid feelings like the plague, and anyone who knew me then can vouch for that. Meaning, for the first few years of my illness, I didn't grieve all the things I lost, at least not properly. 
In the past year, oddly, whenever I would start to get genuinely happy, things from my past would come to the surface very suddenly and would make me break down. I've cried more in this last year than I have EVER. It's terrible. I absolutely hate crying. Crying never makes me feel good. Crying almost always just makes me feel worse. I avoided all of those things, and crying, for so long though. So, as much as my instincts tell me to keep avoiding them, I know I need to let myself feel these things. I need to grieve the things I lost. I need the grieve the life I used to have,  the person I used to be... It's been a solid year of letting myself feel, process, and legitimately let myself let go of things from my past. It's been a long and VERY hard process, and I'm still sifting through more of it.

The anniversary of when I got sick always really gets to me... I'm really not okay right now. I'm depressed. I'm really angry, and sad, and disappointed, and heartbroken, and anything but happy... I hurt, and I feel all of those things so deeply right now. It's just really deep rooted. I hate so many things right now, especially how much I've been crying lately, but this is part of my healing process. I can't shut feelings out forever. I know I need to just let myself feel it. I need to grieve.

What I said to one of my best friends this week was, "I'm not okay, but I will be..."

I want my blog to be a place where I can open up and be vulnerable, and just be honest about me and my life. I want to write about the good things and the bad things, happy or sad...

That's the truth... And the truth is... I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!! 👿

~I'll continue with positive posts as soon as I can... Thank you for listening to me vent. Love S💜~