Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express. 

End Of The Year Reflection

Reflecting On My Past Year

I’m not one who does “New Years resolutions” per-say, but the last few years I’ve created long lists with goals or things I would like to get done in the next year or so of time. As a Capricorn, I do love a good, categorized list. 

At the end of the year I like to reflect and go through my list and appreciate everything I accomplished in the past year. Then for the beginning of the new year I make a new list. Anything I didn't get done the past year remains, anything I want to continue to do remains, and new goals get added as well. 

This year I didn’t accomplish everything on my lists for “work” or “adulting”, but I did make “love” a priority, and that makes me happy. I did almost everything on my “health” list, I kept my “mindsets” in mind, and above all else, I accomplished everything on my “self love” list, and I love that. 

Really, my main intention this year was to choose love and happiness everywhere I could. I decided I would choose the things that make me happy and things that fill my heart, and I’m very proud to say that that is what I did with my year. 

I intentionally put “work” and “adulting” on the back burner, and I’m thankful that I was able to do so and that I was able to give myself this year of love and happiness instead. What an incredible blessing that is. 

It was so need too. 

My body, my mind, and my soul needed this replenishing year, more than you can begin to imagine. How lucky am I that I was able to recognize this too, and that I was able to give myself what I really needed? 

I know not everyone feels like they have this chance to give themself that much self love, but man... If you get a chance to be able to chose love and happiness, I highly recommend that you take that chance and claim your joy. Life is too short to let that pass you by. Don’t wait to be happy. Don’t wait to choose love and value your heart. You deserve those things always. 

Some Cool Things I Accomplished This Year

• I branched out and made new friends. 
• I reconnected with old friends and hosted a class reunion. 
• I’m 50k+ words into writing my first book. 
• I became a certified reiki master. 
• I’m 90% better, health wise. 
• I’m finally back to weighing what I weighed before I got sick. 
• I moved out into the pool house and am living with my boyfriend. 
• I’m finally driving (I got my permit a few months ago and didn't really tell people.)

I read good books, I learned new things, I tried new things, I listened to good music, I binge watched a few good tv series, I caught up on movies I wanted to see, I got back to doing more hobbies and things that make me happy, I got back to enjoying life. 

I followed my happiness and chose love. 

I was true to myself. 

I was happy. 

THAT is everything. THAT is priceless. 

Dear Ex Best Friend Who Left Me When I Became Chronically Ill

They say, in life, on average we have a whole new set of friends every 7 years. If you’re lucky, you may surpass that average and have friends that literally last a lifetime. Or if you’re like me and aren’t so lucky, life may throw you some unexpected curve-balls that people in your life just can’t handle, and you may lose friends at a much more rapid pace than “the average person.”

I got sick when I was 14 and I lost every single person in my life that wasn’t blood related to me. 

I’ve lost more friends in my life than I can begin to try and count, and it took me time to fully accept that losing all of those friends was not my fault, and I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply got sick, and people couldn’t handle how serious and scary my life got, so they left. 

I don’t really blame them for leaving either because I’ve deeply struggled with handling my illness too. I wouldn’t expect people to stick around if even I can’t handle my own illness. It’s a lot. Believe me, I know. 

Over the years, I’ve made amends with many who left, but most never gave me a conversation for closure, or even just a goodbye. I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to those people who left without so much as a goodbye, and so I decided to write a letter. 

This letter is to no one person in particular, but instead is inspired by my accumulatory loss of countless friendships and the things I wished I had said to them. 

Dear ex best friend,

We always said forever, and I know we both believed we would beat the odds. I’m genuinely sorry that we didn’t.

Losing you was my first and biggest heartbreak. 

I know I shouldn’t apologize for this, but I’m sorry that I got sick and that it was too much for our friendship to survive through. I know it’s not my fault that I got sick, but it’s hard not to feel somewhat responsible for this. I truly wish that our friendship didn’t have to be collateral damage of my illness.

I’m sorry that I missed out on all the things we said we would do together. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part of it all, and most importantly, I always still wanted to be a part of your life. 

I’m not sure if you know this, but I need you to know that I didn’t reach out because I was too sick. I was fighting to survive. I really only ever saw or talked to my family or my doctors, and that’s it.

My lack of efforts to try and talk to you and catch up wasn’t personal. I didn’t have anything against you. I was just too sick, and if I did have the energy I hope you know I would’ve chosen to reach out to you. 

Over the years, I have made some new friends, but I haven’t forgotten about you, and I don’t see how I ever could. We were best friends, nothing will ever replace the bond we had and all of the wonderful memories we share.

Although at times I’ve missed you terribly, I realize life has taken us in different directions. I know I’ve changed immensely from my health-crisis detour in life, and I’m sure you’ve changed plenty with time as well. It’s hard to know things will never be as they once were between us, even if we did have a fresh start.

I do have to admit I don’t understand why you never reached out to me though. Was my life really that overwhelming to you? I know it is a lot to handle. 

I’m not mad that you had to leave, especially if that’s what was best for your own well-being. But you couldn’t even say goodbye? Was saying goodbye just too hard for you?

In my isolation I was left to wonder if everyone who left truly just did not care about me at all. But I want to believe that isn’t true. I want to believe that you just couldn’t bear to see me suffer, couldn’t cope with the possibly that I may die, and couldn’t bear to actually say goodbye. 

I’ve wished so much that we could just talk and find closure and peace. Maybe you have questions you want answered, and I know I have countless questions I’ve wished I could ask you. 

I’ve held out hope that you would one day return for us to finally have the conversation of closure we both deserve, but you never showed up, and in my small attempts to reach out to you, I felt utterly rejected. It hurt too much to keep trying. And who knows, maybe you feel the same and that’s why you gave up too. 

I’ve finally realized I need to let go of “us”, move on with my life, and let you move on with yours. 

Although it’s time for me to finally fully close the door on our past, just in case this really is the last time we talk, I need you to know a few last things before I go.

I still love you and can’t imagine a day that I won’t.

Your friendship was priceless to me and I truly will cherish it forever. 

There’s no hard feelings. I really have never been mad at you or solely blamed you for the end of our friendship. I only was ever sad about losing you, wondered what exactly went wrong, and wished things could be different. Please know, I take responsibility for my shortcomings in my half of our relationship.

I hope your life is full of people you can be your true self with, and that they love you unconditionally just as you are.

I hope your new friends support you, uplift you, are there for you, and follow through in doing all of the things you plan to do together. I wish so much that I could’ve been that for you, but I hope they make up for that in spades. 

I have always, and will always wish you all the best in life. 

I hope you find a plethora of happiness, passions, and love. 

I hope your true love is everything we dreamed they’d be and more. 

I hope your wedding is beautiful, that your kids are as fantastic as you were as a kid, and that your lifetime is full of endless adventures and blessings. 

If life every leads you back to me, don’t be afraid to say hello. 

If this is the end, please know I’ll never forget you, and I truly will cherish our memories forever.

Thank you for everything.

And to finally say the word you never could, and the one I’ve been putting off saying for far too long as well, but I think we both need to say it…

Goodbye. 

Love, your ex best friend. 

6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Goodbye, Winter... Hello, Spring!

It's been months since I've written on here and updated. Frankly, that's because I just haven't known where to start. I've had so many ups and downs. 

I'll start by saying, I'm still in our guest room and not back in my own bedroom... yet. It's been 5 months since I started staying in here. It's been since New Years basically. Initially, I moved in here because a mouse died in the wall of my bedroom and I couldn't take the smell. It took a good month for that to go away, and then another one died and that took a month too! So! There was that haha. Also, this room was already puppy proofed and this bed is right on the floor. So it was already good and safe for my puppy, and my room needs a lot of work for it to be puppy ready and I just didn't have the energy. So.... 5 months later, here I still am. 

I am wanting and planning to move back into my room though. I've started to clean little by little. I'm very excited to get back into my own space and be in a room that fully feels like me. My little, pink, girly room, with my excessive amount of fluffy pillows, stuffed animals, and all of my pretty little twinkle lights. It'll be so nice and good for me. I can't wait. We'll be together soon my beloved bed!😻😭🙌❤️

Here in this room, since I last wrote, I took down the clock that was staring me down, taunting me every night. (If you don't understand that reference just read my last post and you'll understand.) I first came to peace with it and got rid of its negative energy, and then took it down and put it away into the back of the closet in this room. In it's place, I put up a dream catcher than my mom’s amazing cousin MADE for me. It's something new, for my fresh start, filled with only positivity, and made with pure love. It feels immensely better than the clock that didn't work, to say the least. It's hung across the room staring down over my bed, which isn't traditional for dream catchers, but for here, in this room, it felt right. It felt needed. I needed something better to look over me. 

I can't wait to move back to my room though and hang it above by bed where it's meant to go. I can't wait. I can already feel how right it'll feel. 

It's been one of my longest, and hardest winters I’ve ever had. I can't wait to leave it all behind in this room and start spring (and summer) freshly and brightly in my own room, all clean. It’s literally a clean slate! It's exactly what I need. 

Oddly, I've also come to realize that maybe I was meant to be in this room over winter. Maybe it was exactly for this reason, that I needed to leave all of my sadness and negativity of winter behind in a different room. That way when I would move back into my own space, 1, it would be clear of all the old, bad energy, and 2, I would be ready to reset and truly start fresh. 

I’ve been forced to face a lot of my old demons too that I left behind in this room years ago. I mean, quite literally I had to face my old demons. I’ll talk about that more in separate posts though I guess haha. But! In short… All of the old energy I had in this room years ago, stayed exactly where I left it. So…I’ve had to deal with that. I had to work really hard to get the negative energy out of this room, and I finally did get it to clear out!

I’ve finally made my peace with this room. It just feels like a big empty room to me now, no more bad energy/memories weighing it (or me) down anymore. 

I’m just really happy to move back to my room now and to leave this room behind better than when I came into it. 

I'm ready! I'm ready to reset and have a fresh start with a new attitude. I'm ready to open all the dusty windows and let the light in. I'm ready. Bring on the light!

Spring time represents rebirth, renewal, growth, love, and HOPE. 

It’s been a beautiful spring, both literally and metaphorically. 

I’ll be writing again soon. There’s still so much I want to talk about.

Until next time...

❤️🌸🌱☀️