As a natural, born helper I’ve always been passionate about and driven by wanting to help others — whether that’s people, animals, or even rescuing a dying plant. Ironically, I’ve never once actually been able to keep a plant alive, but that doesn’t keep me from trying!
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been this way. I’m a helper. It’s just what I do. It’s what I was put on this planet for, and I’ve never once stopped to second guess that. I’m the type of person who gives 110% in everything I do. Period.
But suddenly, when I got sick and was only 60%, 40%, 20%, or sometimes even -10% of my normal self, I didn’t have much of anything to give to anyone. I wanted to give 110%, but was only at 5% of my health and needed every ounce of that energy to just survive through the day and make it to tomorrow.
I could no longer be a helper. I couldn’t serve my life purpose.
Being chronically ill was by far the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in life, and one of the hardest parts of chronic illness for me was not being able to be there for people in the way I wanted to be.
So often I felt like I was falling so short, and it wasn’t that anyone in my life (of the people who actually did stick around) made me feel like I “wasn’t enough.” I just didn’t feel like I was enough. I could feel how broken, incomplete, and empty I was. I was constantly, acutely, crushingly aware that I was such a small fraction of who I used to be.
Through the many, long, hard, isolated years of my chronic illness, I was in so many ways literally forced to sit with myself, examine myself, my body, my mind, soul, and top to bottom reevaluate and then reinvent my entire life.
- How did I end up here?
- How can I survive being in this place right now?
- How can I turn this around?
- What are steps I can take today to help in moving forward?
In that deep, 5 year long solitude, for the first time ever I had to learn how to give myself that same level of love, commitment, compassion, and just true TLC. Those are all the same things that I was always so quick and unhesitant to give everyone else!
Self-care and self-love was the answer to almost every question I would ask myself, and if I could give those things so easily to others, why was it so hard for me to give that to myself?
Even though I knew “self-care” was the answer, it still took me years to learn how to actually take care of myself, give myself 110%, and not feel guilty about that. I even had to learn to not feel guilty for other people taking care of me too!
When my family gave up so much and put 110% into to keeping me alive, I felt guilty. For many years I struggled with guilting myself for the burden I felt I was on everyone. As a natural, born helper I should’ve known better than to do that to myself. I should’ve recognized so much sooner how if the roles were reversed I would’ve done the same thing for these people, and I would never want anyone to feel guilty if I helped them.
I now have made peace and no longer guilt myself for things out of my control. I replaced my guilt on myself with gratitude for others. I’m grateful for all that they’ve done, and I will cherish this second chance at life that they made possible for me.
I now understand that in life, at times we are thrust into a position of being a healer or caretaker or being a rock or vital support system for others, but it’s a choice to take on that role, and it’s a choice to stay in that role. We control our own boundaries, and it’s also our own personal job to make sure that we get the help and healing we need too. Even as a constant caretaker for someone, it’s your job to ask for help from others, or ask for someone to “take a shift” for you while you go take care of yourself and rest.
If you don’t pay attention to warning signs that you need to take care of ourself, your body will fall apart, and then life will halt in it’s tracks and force you to sit with yourself. Life will force you to start taking care of yourself.
I’m now a firm believer in the philosophy of helping yourself first. One of the ways it first resonated to me was hearing it in the terms of airplane or boat emergency advice: “Put on your oxygen mask before you go trying to help others put theirs on.” or “Put on your life preserver before you go trying to save everyone else.”
I will be the first to say that the journey to self-love isn’t an easy one.
But I’m now also very quick to praise how self-love also benefits your whole self, your whole life, and it uplifts every single life you touch too, because when you are at the best you can be, you can give even more to everyone else. (Spoken like a true, natural-born helper. Even my self-love is inspired by wanting to help others.)
I truly believe that when you are a person driven by the desire to help others, the toughest lesson you will face will be to learn how to help yourself in that same way you so easily help others.
The life journey of “the helper”, “the healer”, “the caretaker”, “the giver”, and “the rescuer”, all have these lessons to learn in common.
- Take care of yourself first.
- Your self-care and self-love are not selfish, and in fact it’s for everyone’s best interest too.
- Step away when you need a break.
- Ask for help when it’s needed, and don’t ever guilt yourself when people come to your rescue.
- Say “no” when you don’t want to, or are not capable of helping, or when it will damage you you much.
- The people who truly love and care for you will not make you feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself.
- Honor, respect, listen to, and follow through when you know what you need more or less of in your life.
- You deserve the love you give to everyone else, and you CAN give that love to yourself.
Please let my life be a lesson to you. — I learned much of this the long and very hard way.
Take care of yourself first.
Thank you to all of the helpers, healers, caretakers, givers, rescuers, and kind hearted souls who jump into chaos to save others. People like you are the sole reason I’m alive today, and I can’t even express my level of gratitude for the things you do. I see you. I appreciate you. You give me hope. You inspire me, and you are the reason I’ve dedicated my life to helping others in the way you helped me.
I hope you take time to make sure your self-care is a top priority in your life so you can continue to do what you do.
In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I just wanted to create this post as a way to speak of the importance of redirecting your mindset towards positivity, self-love, healing, gratitude, and removing guilt. It's hard to be wounded, and it's hard to be a healer. No matter which side you're on, if you ever need help, ask for help and don't feel guilty.
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