End Of The Year Reflection

Reflecting On My Past Year

I’m not one who does “New Years resolutions” per-say, but the last few years I’ve created long lists with goals or things I would like to get done in the next year or so of time. As a Capricorn, I do love a good, categorized list. 

At the end of the year I like to reflect and go through my list and appreciate everything I accomplished in the past year. Then for the beginning of the new year I make a new list. Anything I didn't get done the past year remains, anything I want to continue to do remains, and new goals get added as well. 

This year I didn’t accomplish everything on my lists for “work” or “adulting”, but I did make “love” a priority, and that makes me happy. I did almost everything on my “health” list, I kept my “mindsets” in mind, and above all else, I accomplished everything on my “self love” list, and I love that. 

Really, my main intention this year was to choose love and happiness everywhere I could. I decided I would choose the things that make me happy and things that fill my heart, and I’m very proud to say that that is what I did with my year. 

I intentionally put “work” and “adulting” on the back burner, and I’m thankful that I was able to do so and that I was able to give myself this year of love and happiness instead. What an incredible blessing that is. 

It was so need too. 

My body, my mind, and my soul needed this replenishing year, more than you can begin to imagine. How lucky am I that I was able to recognize this too, and that I was able to give myself what I really needed? 

I know not everyone feels like they have this chance to give themself that much self love, but man... If you get a chance to be able to chose love and happiness, I highly recommend that you take that chance and claim your joy. Life is too short to let that pass you by. Don’t wait to be happy. Don’t wait to choose love and value your heart. You deserve those things always. 

Some Cool Things I Accomplished This Year

• I branched out and made new friends. 
• I reconnected with old friends and hosted a class reunion. 
• I’m 50k+ words into writing my first book. 
• I became a certified reiki master. 
• I’m 90% better, health wise. 
• I’m finally back to weighing what I weighed before I got sick. 
• I moved out into the pool house and am living with my boyfriend. 
• I’m finally driving (I got my permit a few months ago and didn't really tell people.)

I read good books, I learned new things, I tried new things, I listened to good music, I binge watched a few good tv series, I caught up on movies I wanted to see, I got back to doing more hobbies and things that make me happy, I got back to enjoying life. 

I followed my happiness and chose love. 

I was true to myself. 

I was happy. 

THAT is everything. THAT is priceless. 

The Phoenix - A reluctant hero and her bittersweet tears.

If you missed it, I started this year off by writing a letter to my "ex-best friend" and all the "friends who left when I became chronically ill" and I shared that letter publicly before I could overthink it and chicken out. 

To The Friends Who Left When I Became Chronically Ill was published on The Mighty (basically) in record time, and in a week had 10k likes on The Mighty alone, not counting all of the other social media sites it was shared to and the hundreds of comments that flew into all of those shares as well. 

Since January they've re-ran that piece a handful of times and it still generally has the same response too -- lots of likes, lots of comments, and lots of shares (which just continues the cycle farther.)

It's the most vulnerable thing I've ever publicly written, and it terrified me to share it. But even without all of the praise, I was already glad to have done it. Granted, the thought of it being out there made me feel like throwing up most times, and even still kind of does. But all-in-all, I am really proud of it and I'm proud of myself for taking my deepest wound, giving it love, and giving it wings. 

Which brings me to where I am now, having recently written something that tore my heart out, and part of me wants to share it, but the rest of me just wants to vomit at the thought of such things. 

Quite frankly, sharing raw, unedited excerpts from my notes (which is many times how I journal and vent emotions) terrifies me even more than sharing the letter. But someday I plan to share a whole lot of my notes and journals in the book about my life, so, this is something I need to learn to no longer fear. Plus, I know how amazingly well it went earlier this year when I shared my heart with the world, so that eases at least some of my anxieties about being seen. 

Please note: I don't do "New Years resolutions" but I do generally like to set some goals for myself for the year, and this year one of my goals was to face my fears, face the places that scare me, push beyond that, and push myself to new heights. 

So, here we are...

...And here we go.

If you saw my last post (7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck), then you know that I just recently surpassed the 7 year anniversary of when I got sick. Since then I've unplugged and taken some time off to honor all of the emotions that go along with that. Naturally though, being who I am, I did a lot of writing during those ups an downs.

Seeing a quote led to me reflecting on my life and writing this piece. 

photo edited by me; art - unknown; quote - Joshua Graham

August 27, 2019, 12:21pm

I realize I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, but still my tears are bittersweet, because I know what these ashes I’m rising from once were. 

You don’t forget what you come from when what you come from is the still flickering embers of a life you once loved but was burnt down by fate, all just to make room for what you are now. 

In the ashes I see my past self, the one who had to die for me to survive. I know well that every speck of who I am now came to being from immense pain and pressure, like a pearl, or a diamond, trapped in close confines until outside factors decided to bring it to light.

I know what the ashes beneath were, I know what I came from, what it took, what it cost me to get to where I am now. 

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” -Joshua Graham-

I survived because I was willing to lose everything, because I surrendered to whatever my destiny would be. 

I was determined to rise no matter what knocked me down, or what ashes had burnt down beneath me. 

"I am a reluctant hero who continues to cry bittersweet tears." 

That's something else I wrote later in that note. 

Essentially, the essence of this is how I've been feeling. Yes, I have come incredibly far, but it cost me, and nothing in the entire world looks the same because of it all. 

Since writing that I've felt torn on whether to share it to not, fearing being seen, fearing being misunderstood, etc etc etc. Then today, my my mom sent me a beautifully relevant quote mirroring a similar sentiment, brining me back to my thoughts of the phoenix, and in my gut I knew that meant it was time for me to share. 

Whatever burns away is only the outer layers, and what endures, what is left, the core that remains after tragedy, that is where truth lies. You find out who you really are when everything else falls away.

I did lose myself, but my true essence was never truly lost, because it can't be lost. A soul is infinite. That fact is true, beautiful, powerful, and yet still bittersweet, and that's okay. 

To everything there are always BOTH highs and lows, pros and cons, light and dark, yin and yang. Every coin has two sides, and both sides are true. This is life, a paradox.

So, tonight as I cry even more "bittersweet tears", I feel it's just another reminder for how important it is for me to remain authentic and honest in the things that I do, and especially in the things that I write and share. 

I want to honor both sides of the coin. ☯️

7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck

As July came to a close and August began, I noticed a cloud looming closer and closer. Every August I seem to unintentionally count down the days until the anniversary of when I got sick, August 24, 2012. Every year I ponder the idea of, “I wonder if there will be a time in my life when I don’t think of the anniversary at all? Will August ever just be August again?” I think anyone who has faced tragedy in their life can relate to that same thought too. 

For better or for worse, when you experience a life altering event in life not only does it get permanently engrained into that specific day, but it somehow marks that entire month.

The anniversary of my chronic illnesses is like my own personal Memorial Day. 

I take it as my designated time to mourn the past, and honor all of my lost battles. I guess I did “win the war” but it was long and hard. It was tragic. I faced heartbreak, there literally was blood, sweat, tears, and so so many lost battles. I even did lose a friend who was fighting this fight along side me too. 

I take this time to mourn and honor the loss of my old self, my old life, my dear friend, and all other lives lost in the same ways as us. 

Every year I seem to relive the facts of my life before and after August 24th, going from waterpolo, straight As and AP classes, to bed bound, friendless, and in head-to-toe pain that was worsening by the day. I was 14. Without fail, that always deeply hurts to relive.

The years ticked by with countless trials and tribulations, I saw many highs, and a life’s worth of soul crushing lows. I said goodbye to this world more than a handful of times, and yet here I still am 7 years later, beating the odds, gratefully living in my miracle second chance at life. 

Over the years I have had people ask me if it gets easier, if the anniversary stops hurting, and I have to be honest and tell them that even after all this time it does still hurt. Every year the anniversary hits me at a different time, in a different way, and I never have accurately anticipated exactly how it’ll make me feel. But it does always hurt, and without fail, at some point every August, I do bawl my eyes out. 

What’s most different about this year is how I’m so much more honed in on focusing on my immense gratitude for life, all the things I can do, and giving as little attention as possible to the ways I still feel “less than.” 

I’ve worked incredibly hard over the years at my mental health and mindset, but this year especially, more than ever I’ve decided to take those things to a new level. 

This year I decided to start talking about my chronic illnesses less, and when I do speak of them I make sure it’s in the past tense. In turn, I’ve also dedicated to using more healthy, positive vocabulary when talking about myself in the present moment. I decided it was time to take a break from focusing so much on the past parts of my story, and focus as much as possible on gratitude for the present, and the optimism of the future.

So in that spirit, I’ll tell you where I’m at right now: I’ve been in remission for 2 and a half years, and I’m 90% better. I have 2 small Etsy businesses. I’ve traveled, I’ve gone out, I’ve pushed myself to make new friends and rebuild a new social life that fits this new person I am. My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I moved in together into the guest house at my parents place, and we have 4 fur-babies. I follow my happiness, and I give my energy only to things that make me feel good. I’m happy. I’m enjoying life. I have this immense gratitude for life that I’ll never be able to fully describe into words. I’m also very proud of myself, and especially for how I continue to more and more deeply dedicate my life to positivity. Mindset is a choice, and I’m very happy with the mindset I choose every day. 

Where I’m at in life right now is a place I never thought I would live to see again, and I can’t begin to explain how good that feels. To hit rock bottom, to face and accept death, and then to come back to this…? It truly is a miracle. 

As for the future, I realize I’ve already accomplished so much of what I always dreamed about, and I’ve managed to take up just about every hobby I ever dreamed of, just wishing, “I wish I could do that.” If I want something, I make it happen, I make the time, I do the work, and I damn sure celebrate that whole process. 

The things that once felt impossible are within reach, or I can at least see the clear pathway leading towards it. That feeling is amazing, and I try not to walk forwards in life afraid of the possibility of “loss” or “failure” because I already know how I always can find my way back from anything, and I always come back stronger and wiser too. 

The past can haunt you, it can control you, and it can continue to cause you pain for the rest of your life, but only if you let it. Sure, I may relive and re-grieve the anniversary every year, but there’s no way in hell I will let myself get stuck in the past. I respect the past, I respect the pain and all of those emotions and every single one of my scars, physical and emotional. I’m even grateful for it all because of how it’s just continued to make me stronger. But I damn sure refuse to let any of the past hold me back, and I will not let it continue forward into my future. 

Off and on since I got sick in 2012 I wondered if this was some kind of “7 years of bad luck” detour of life, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what it was, it just matters what I make of it, and who I choose to let it make me. 

Life fucking happens to all of us, and pain is inevitable. Facing struggle is a part of human existence. But to be who you are, do what you do, say what you say, and think what you think is a choice. To live is a choice. What you choose to make of life and the shit it throws at you is completely up to you. Those facts will either terrify you, or empower you, and I hope it’s the latter. 

That is what these 7 years has taught me, and that is what I’ve chosen to reflect most on this August. 

As I continue to change my vocabulary, as I refer to my struggles as being in the past, as I release the pain, as I accept my healing, as I step more and more wholly into the new me, I am both telling and showing the universe what I want to manifest more of. *The Law of Attraction - like energy attracts like energy.*

Health. Happiness. Love. 

That is what I choose. 

This is my official goodbye to my “7 years of bad luck.” 

You may think I’d be ecstatic to slap this book shut, throw it out, burn it, and never look back. But it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, and it’s scary to leave behind what you know and tread forwards into uncharted waters. When you get stuck in life, even if you’re thrown into a too small box that you first despise, you can grow to a certain kind of peace and comfort in that place. I grew quite fond of “limbo”, facing death freed me, and taught me immeasurable lessons. 

I would never choose this life path for myself or anyone else, but I also wouldn’t trade my journey for anything. I trust what was destined to be mine. 

I close this chapter with immense gratitude. I stride forward with pride, knowing my true strength, carrying forth every bit of wisdom I can, and when necessary I will look back and I will honor my past with every shred of respect that it deserves. 

Thank you, universe, for knowing what I needed in order to become who I was meant to be. I will cherish this second chance with every fiber of my being. 

Healing The Healer: Lessons of self-love, and turning guilt to gratitude.

As a natural, born helper I’ve always been passionate about and driven by wanting to help others — whether that’s people, animals, or even rescuing a dying plant. Ironically, I’ve never once actually been able to keep a plant alive, but that doesn’t keep me from trying!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been this way. I’m a helper. It’s just what I do. It’s what I was put on this planet for, and I’ve never once stopped to second guess that. I’m the type of person who gives 110% in everything I do. Period. 

But suddenly, when I got sick and was only 60%, 40%, 20%, or sometimes even -10% of my normal self, I didn’t have much of anything to give to anyone. I wanted to give 110%, but was only at 5% of my health and needed every ounce of that energy to just survive through the day and make it to tomorrow.

I could no longer be a helper. I couldn’t serve my life purpose.

Being chronically ill was by far the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in life, and one of the hardest parts of chronic illness for me was not being able to be there for people in the way I wanted to be.

So often I felt like I was falling so short, and it wasn’t that anyone in my life (of the people who actually did stick around) made me feel like I “wasn’t enough.” I just didn’t feel like I was enough. I could feel how broken, incomplete, and empty I was. I was constantly, acutely, crushingly aware that I was such a small fraction of who I used to be.

Through the many, long, hard, isolated years of my chronic illness, I was in so many ways literally forced to sit with myself, examine myself, my body, my mind, soul, and top to bottom reevaluate and then reinvent my entire life. 

• How did I end up here?
• How can I survive being in this place right now?
• How can I turn this around?
• What are steps I can take today to help in moving forward?

In that deep, 5 year long solitude, for the first time ever I had to learn how to give myself that same level of love, commitment, compassion, and just true TLC. Those are all the same things that I was always so quick and unhesitant to give everyone else!

Self-care and self-love was the answer to almost every question I would ask myself, and if I could give those things so easily to others, why was it so hard for me to give that to myself?

Even though I knew “self-care” was the answer, it still took me years to learn how to actually take care of myself, give myself 110%, and not feel guilty about that. I even had to learn to not feel guilty for other people taking care of me too!

When my family gave up so much and put 110% into to keeping me alive, I felt guilty. For many years I struggled with guilting myself for the burden I felt I was on everyone. As a natural, born helper I should’ve known better than to do that to myself. I should’ve recognized so much sooner how if the roles were reversed I would’ve done the same thing for these people, and I would never want anyone to feel guilty if I helped them. 

I now have made peace and no longer guilt myself for things out of my control. I replaced my guilt on myself with gratitude for others. I’m grateful for all that they’ve done, and I will cherish this second chance at life that they made possible for me. 

I now understand that in life, at times we are thrust into a position of being a healer or caretaker or being a rock or vital support system for others, but it’s a choice to take on that role, and it’s a choice to stay in that role. We control our own boundaries, and it’s also our own personal job to make sure that we get the help and healing we need too. Even as a constant caretaker for someone, it’s your job to ask for help from others, or ask for someone to “take a shift” for you while you go take care of yourself and rest. 

If you don’t pay attention to warning signs that you need to take care of ourself, your body will fall apart, and then life will halt in it’s tracks and force you to sit with yourself. Life will force you to start taking care of yourself.

I’m now a firm believer in the philosophy of helping yourself first. One of the ways it first resonated to me was hearing it in the terms of airplane or boat emergency advice: “Put on your oxygen mask before you go trying to help others put theirs on.” or “Put on your life preserver before you go trying to save everyone else.”

I will be the first to say that the journey to self-love isn’t an easy one. 

But I’m now also very quick to praise how self-love also benefits your whole self, your whole life, and it uplifts every single life you touch too, because when you are at the best you can be, you can give even more to everyone else. (Spoken like a true, natural-born helper. Even my self-love is inspired by wanting to help others.)

I truly believe that when you are a person driven by the desire to help others, the toughest lesson you will face will be to learn how to help yourself in that same way you so easily help others.

The life journey of “the helper”, “the healer”, “the caretaker”, “the giver”, and “the rescuer”, all have these lessons to learn in common.

• Take care of yourself first. 
• Your self-care and self-love are not selfish, and in fact it’s for everyone’s best interest too. 
• Step away when you need a break. 
• Ask for help when it’s needed, and don’t ever guilt yourself when people come to your rescue. 
• Say “no” when you don’t want to, or are not capable of helping, or when it will damage you you much. 
• The people who truly love and care for you will not make you feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself. 
• Honor, respect, listen to, and follow through when you know what you need more or less of in your life. 
• You deserve the love you give to everyone else, and you CAN give that love to yourself.

Please let my life be a lesson to you. — I learned much of this the long and very hard way.

Take care of yourself first.

Thank you to all of the helpers, healers, caretakers, givers, rescuers, and kind hearted souls who jump into chaos to save others. People like you are the sole reason I’m alive today, and I can’t even express my level of gratitude for the things you do. I see you. I appreciate you. You give me hope. You inspire me, and you are the reason I’ve dedicated my life to helping others in the way you helped me. 

I hope you take time to make sure your self-care is a top priority in your life so you can continue to do what you do. 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I just wanted to create this post as a way to speak of the importance of   redirecting your mindset towards positivity, self-love, healing, gratitude, and removing guilt. It's hard to be wounded, and it's hard to be a healer. No matter which side you're on, if you ever need help, ask for help and don't feel guilty.