The Phoenix - A reluctant hero and her bittersweet tears.

If you missed it, I started this year off by writing a letter to my "ex-best friend" and all the "friends who left when I became chronically ill" and I shared that letter publicly before I could overthink it and chicken out. 

To The Friends Who Left When I Became Chronically Ill was published on The Mighty (basically) in record time, and in a week had 10k likes on The Mighty alone, not counting all of the other social media sites it was shared to and the hundreds of comments that flew into all of those shares as well. 

Since January they've re-ran that piece a handful of times and it still generally has the same response too -- lots of likes, lots of comments, and lots of shares (which just continues the cycle farther.)

It's the most vulnerable thing I've ever publicly written, and it terrified me to share it. But even without all of the praise, I was already glad to have done it. Granted, the thought of it being out there made me feel like throwing up most times, and even still kind of does. But all-in-all, I am really proud of it and I'm proud of myself for taking my deepest wound, giving it love, and giving it wings. 

Which brings me to where I am now, having recently written something that tore my heart out, and part of me wants to share it, but the rest of me just wants to vomit at the thought of such things. 

Quite frankly, sharing raw, unedited excerpts from my notes (which is many times how I journal and vent emotions) terrifies me even more than sharing the letter. But someday I plan to share a whole lot of my notes and journals in the book about my life, so, this is something I need to learn to no longer fear. Plus, I know how amazingly well it went earlier this year when I shared my heart with the world, so that eases at least some of my anxieties about being seen. 

Please note: I don't do "New Years resolutions" but I do generally like to set some goals for myself for the year, and this year one of my goals was to face my fears, face the places that scare me, push beyond that, and push myself to new heights. 

So, here we are...

...And here we go.

If you saw my last post (7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck), then you know that I just recently surpassed the 7 year anniversary of when I got sick. Since then I've unplugged and taken some time off to honor all of the emotions that go along with that. Naturally though, being who I am, I did a lot of writing during those ups an downs.

Seeing a quote led to me reflecting on my life and writing this piece. 

photo edited by me; art - unknown; quote - Joshua Graham

August 27, 2019, 12:21pm

I realize I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, but still my tears are bittersweet, because I know what these ashes I’m rising from once were. 

You don’t forget what you come from when what you come from is the still flickering embers of a life you once loved but was burnt down by fate, all just to make room for what you are now. 

In the ashes I see my past self, the one who had to die for me to survive. I know well that every speck of who I am now came to being from immense pain and pressure, like a pearl, or a diamond, trapped in close confines until outside factors decided to bring it to light.

I know what the ashes beneath were, I know what I came from, what it took, what it cost me to get to where I am now. 

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” -Joshua Graham-

I survived because I was willing to lose everything, because I surrendered to whatever my destiny would be. 

I was determined to rise no matter what knocked me down, or what ashes had burnt down beneath me. 

"I am a reluctant hero who continues to cry bittersweet tears." 

That's something else I wrote later in that note. 

Essentially, the essence of this is how I've been feeling. Yes, I have come incredibly far, but it cost me, and nothing in the entire world looks the same because of it all. 

Since writing that I've felt torn on whether to share it to not, fearing being seen, fearing being misunderstood, etc etc etc. Then today, my my mom sent me a beautifully relevant quote mirroring a similar sentiment, brining me back to my thoughts of the phoenix, and in my gut I knew that meant it was time for me to share. 

Whatever burns away is only the outer layers, and what endures, what is left, the core that remains after tragedy, that is where truth lies. You find out who you really are when everything else falls away.

I did lose myself, but my true essence was never truly lost, because it can't be lost. A soul is infinite. That fact is true, beautiful, powerful, and yet still bittersweet, and that's okay. 

To everything there are always BOTH highs and lows, pros and cons, light and dark, yin and yang. Every coin has two sides, and both sides are true. This is life, a paradox.

So, tonight as I cry even more "bittersweet tears", I feel it's just another reminder for how important it is for me to remain authentic and honest in the things that I do, and especially in the things that I write and share. 

I want to honor both sides of the coin. ☯️

Healing The Healer: Lessons of self-love, and turning guilt to gratitude.

As a natural, born helper I’ve always been passionate about and driven by wanting to help others — whether that’s people, animals, or even rescuing a dying plant. Ironically, I’ve never once actually been able to keep a plant alive, but that doesn’t keep me from trying!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been this way. I’m a helper. It’s just what I do. It’s what I was put on this planet for, and I’ve never once stopped to second guess that. I’m the type of person who gives 110% in everything I do. Period. 

But suddenly, when I got sick and was only 60%, 40%, 20%, or sometimes even -10% of my normal self, I didn’t have much of anything to give to anyone. I wanted to give 110%, but was only at 5% of my health and needed every ounce of that energy to just survive through the day and make it to tomorrow.

I could no longer be a helper. I couldn’t serve my life purpose.

Being chronically ill was by far the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in life, and one of the hardest parts of chronic illness for me was not being able to be there for people in the way I wanted to be.

So often I felt like I was falling so short, and it wasn’t that anyone in my life (of the people who actually did stick around) made me feel like I “wasn’t enough.” I just didn’t feel like I was enough. I could feel how broken, incomplete, and empty I was. I was constantly, acutely, crushingly aware that I was such a small fraction of who I used to be.

Through the many, long, hard, isolated years of my chronic illness, I was in so many ways literally forced to sit with myself, examine myself, my body, my mind, soul, and top to bottom reevaluate and then reinvent my entire life. 

• How did I end up here?
• How can I survive being in this place right now?
• How can I turn this around?
• What are steps I can take today to help in moving forward?

In that deep, 5 year long solitude, for the first time ever I had to learn how to give myself that same level of love, commitment, compassion, and just true TLC. Those are all the same things that I was always so quick and unhesitant to give everyone else!

Self-care and self-love was the answer to almost every question I would ask myself, and if I could give those things so easily to others, why was it so hard for me to give that to myself?

Even though I knew “self-care” was the answer, it still took me years to learn how to actually take care of myself, give myself 110%, and not feel guilty about that. I even had to learn to not feel guilty for other people taking care of me too!

When my family gave up so much and put 110% into to keeping me alive, I felt guilty. For many years I struggled with guilting myself for the burden I felt I was on everyone. As a natural, born helper I should’ve known better than to do that to myself. I should’ve recognized so much sooner how if the roles were reversed I would’ve done the same thing for these people, and I would never want anyone to feel guilty if I helped them. 

I now have made peace and no longer guilt myself for things out of my control. I replaced my guilt on myself with gratitude for others. I’m grateful for all that they’ve done, and I will cherish this second chance at life that they made possible for me. 

I now understand that in life, at times we are thrust into a position of being a healer or caretaker or being a rock or vital support system for others, but it’s a choice to take on that role, and it’s a choice to stay in that role. We control our own boundaries, and it’s also our own personal job to make sure that we get the help and healing we need too. Even as a constant caretaker for someone, it’s your job to ask for help from others, or ask for someone to “take a shift” for you while you go take care of yourself and rest. 

If you don’t pay attention to warning signs that you need to take care of ourself, your body will fall apart, and then life will halt in it’s tracks and force you to sit with yourself. Life will force you to start taking care of yourself.

I’m now a firm believer in the philosophy of helping yourself first. One of the ways it first resonated to me was hearing it in the terms of airplane or boat emergency advice: “Put on your oxygen mask before you go trying to help others put theirs on.” or “Put on your life preserver before you go trying to save everyone else.”

I will be the first to say that the journey to self-love isn’t an easy one. 

But I’m now also very quick to praise how self-love also benefits your whole self, your whole life, and it uplifts every single life you touch too, because when you are at the best you can be, you can give even more to everyone else. (Spoken like a true, natural-born helper. Even my self-love is inspired by wanting to help others.)

I truly believe that when you are a person driven by the desire to help others, the toughest lesson you will face will be to learn how to help yourself in that same way you so easily help others.

The life journey of “the helper”, “the healer”, “the caretaker”, “the giver”, and “the rescuer”, all have these lessons to learn in common.

• Take care of yourself first. 
• Your self-care and self-love are not selfish, and in fact it’s for everyone’s best interest too. 
• Step away when you need a break. 
• Ask for help when it’s needed, and don’t ever guilt yourself when people come to your rescue. 
• Say “no” when you don’t want to, or are not capable of helping, or when it will damage you you much. 
• The people who truly love and care for you will not make you feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself. 
• Honor, respect, listen to, and follow through when you know what you need more or less of in your life. 
• You deserve the love you give to everyone else, and you CAN give that love to yourself.

Please let my life be a lesson to you. — I learned much of this the long and very hard way.

Take care of yourself first.

Thank you to all of the helpers, healers, caretakers, givers, rescuers, and kind hearted souls who jump into chaos to save others. People like you are the sole reason I’m alive today, and I can’t even express my level of gratitude for the things you do. I see you. I appreciate you. You give me hope. You inspire me, and you are the reason I’ve dedicated my life to helping others in the way you helped me. 

I hope you take time to make sure your self-care is a top priority in your life so you can continue to do what you do. 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I just wanted to create this post as a way to speak of the importance of   redirecting your mindset towards positivity, self-love, healing, gratitude, and removing guilt. It's hard to be wounded, and it's hard to be a healer. No matter which side you're on, if you ever need help, ask for help and don't feel guilty.