Healing The Healer: Lessons of self-love, and turning guilt to gratitude.

As a natural, born helper I’ve always been passionate about and driven by wanting to help others — whether that’s people, animals, or even rescuing a dying plant. Ironically, I’ve never once actually been able to keep a plant alive, but that doesn’t keep me from trying!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been this way. I’m a helper. It’s just what I do. It’s what I was put on this planet for, and I’ve never once stopped to second guess that. I’m the type of person who gives 110% in everything I do. Period. 

But suddenly, when I got sick and was only 60%, 40%, 20%, or sometimes even -10% of my normal self, I didn’t have much of anything to give to anyone. I wanted to give 110%, but was only at 5% of my health and needed every ounce of that energy to just survive through the day and make it to tomorrow.

I could no longer be a helper. I couldn’t serve my life purpose.

Being chronically ill was by far the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in life, and one of the hardest parts of chronic illness for me was not being able to be there for people in the way I wanted to be.

So often I felt like I was falling so short, and it wasn’t that anyone in my life (of the people who actually did stick around) made me feel like I “wasn’t enough.” I just didn’t feel like I was enough. I could feel how broken, incomplete, and empty I was. I was constantly, acutely, crushingly aware that I was such a small fraction of who I used to be.

Through the many, long, hard, isolated years of my chronic illness, I was in so many ways literally forced to sit with myself, examine myself, my body, my mind, soul, and top to bottom reevaluate and then reinvent my entire life. 

• How did I end up here?
• How can I survive being in this place right now?
• How can I turn this around?
• What are steps I can take today to help in moving forward?

In that deep, 5 year long solitude, for the first time ever I had to learn how to give myself that same level of love, commitment, compassion, and just true TLC. Those are all the same things that I was always so quick and unhesitant to give everyone else!

Self-care and self-love was the answer to almost every question I would ask myself, and if I could give those things so easily to others, why was it so hard for me to give that to myself?

Even though I knew “self-care” was the answer, it still took me years to learn how to actually take care of myself, give myself 110%, and not feel guilty about that. I even had to learn to not feel guilty for other people taking care of me too!

When my family gave up so much and put 110% into to keeping me alive, I felt guilty. For many years I struggled with guilting myself for the burden I felt I was on everyone. As a natural, born helper I should’ve known better than to do that to myself. I should’ve recognized so much sooner how if the roles were reversed I would’ve done the same thing for these people, and I would never want anyone to feel guilty if I helped them. 

I now have made peace and no longer guilt myself for things out of my control. I replaced my guilt on myself with gratitude for others. I’m grateful for all that they’ve done, and I will cherish this second chance at life that they made possible for me. 

I now understand that in life, at times we are thrust into a position of being a healer or caretaker or being a rock or vital support system for others, but it’s a choice to take on that role, and it’s a choice to stay in that role. We control our own boundaries, and it’s also our own personal job to make sure that we get the help and healing we need too. Even as a constant caretaker for someone, it’s your job to ask for help from others, or ask for someone to “take a shift” for you while you go take care of yourself and rest. 

If you don’t pay attention to warning signs that you need to take care of ourself, your body will fall apart, and then life will halt in it’s tracks and force you to sit with yourself. Life will force you to start taking care of yourself.

I’m now a firm believer in the philosophy of helping yourself first. One of the ways it first resonated to me was hearing it in the terms of airplane or boat emergency advice: “Put on your oxygen mask before you go trying to help others put theirs on.” or “Put on your life preserver before you go trying to save everyone else.”

I will be the first to say that the journey to self-love isn’t an easy one. 

But I’m now also very quick to praise how self-love also benefits your whole self, your whole life, and it uplifts every single life you touch too, because when you are at the best you can be, you can give even more to everyone else. (Spoken like a true, natural-born helper. Even my self-love is inspired by wanting to help others.)

I truly believe that when you are a person driven by the desire to help others, the toughest lesson you will face will be to learn how to help yourself in that same way you so easily help others.

The life journey of “the helper”, “the healer”, “the caretaker”, “the giver”, and “the rescuer”, all have these lessons to learn in common.

• Take care of yourself first. 
• Your self-care and self-love are not selfish, and in fact it’s for everyone’s best interest too. 
• Step away when you need a break. 
• Ask for help when it’s needed, and don’t ever guilt yourself when people come to your rescue. 
• Say “no” when you don’t want to, or are not capable of helping, or when it will damage you you much. 
• The people who truly love and care for you will not make you feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself. 
• Honor, respect, listen to, and follow through when you know what you need more or less of in your life. 
• You deserve the love you give to everyone else, and you CAN give that love to yourself.

Please let my life be a lesson to you. — I learned much of this the long and very hard way.

Take care of yourself first.

Thank you to all of the helpers, healers, caretakers, givers, rescuers, and kind hearted souls who jump into chaos to save others. People like you are the sole reason I’m alive today, and I can’t even express my level of gratitude for the things you do. I see you. I appreciate you. You give me hope. You inspire me, and you are the reason I’ve dedicated my life to helping others in the way you helped me. 

I hope you take time to make sure your self-care is a top priority in your life so you can continue to do what you do. 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I just wanted to create this post as a way to speak of the importance of   redirecting your mindset towards positivity, self-love, healing, gratitude, and removing guilt. It's hard to be wounded, and it's hard to be a healer. No matter which side you're on, if you ever need help, ask for help and don't feel guilty. 

A Much Needed Vacation

Well, yesterday evening I got home from my first real vacation I've had since I got sick 6 years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to Newport Beach for a week, just the two of us, and it was absolutly wonderful. The weather was perfect, we had an amazing room and a beautiful view of the ocean both from bed and from the living room. We went to Laguna Beach, Balboa Island, Fashion Island, we explored the giant resort, and some near by little areas. We sang and danced and laughed for a week together and it seriously feels like a dream!

I don't think it's all fully set in yet just how HUGE of a milestone this vacation was for me. I did SO MUCH! I cooked all my own meals for a week, and was able to do most of my own dishes too. I was able to take care of myself and do all my needed daily things, AND I still had energy to go on spontaneous little drives and adventures. That's HUGEEEE for me!

Just two years ago I couldn't even walk across the house without help. I was just completely drained and exhausted in every way, and I was done. Not only was I 100% sure that I wouldn't live much longer, I didn't even want to fight or live anymore. I was just tired, and not a kind of tired that sleep even remotely helps.

I also had crippling anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and depression at that time too, and during this entire trip (from planning, to traveling there and back, and everything in-between) I was not stressed, I was not worried, I didn't overthink, and my mind didn't hold me back at all! I was happy and present and just enjoying every moment, and I'm super thankful and happy that Justin was able to do the same too!

He and I met 3 years ago, so he's only ever known "sick me", and he's seen me and stuck by me through my absolute lowest points in this chronic illness journey. For any that don't know, since we met he's become a lifeguard then an EMT and the last two summers he worked as an EMT. He's planning/working towards becoming a firefighter or paramedic.

He essentially has been the perfect person for me to be in a relationship with because when my health would take unexpected dips and we'd have to rush to the ER, he handled it incredibly well, and I need my partner to be able to handle both the good days and the really bad ones.

To be able to live any kind of a normal life I do need that kind of protection and safety net in not only my partner but also just whatever person I'm with. The friends I hangout with away from home are briefed with essentially a "What to do if I suddenly tank." I don't currently drive so when I leave the house I'm always with at least one person, and essentially I have to be able to trust my life in that persons hands. That is a lot of pressure to put on any person, but I have tanked suddenly countless times and living this way has saved my life on many occasions. I have safety nets for good reason.

I know not everyone can handle that kind of pressure, and thats why I don't have a lot of friends, and haven't since I got sick 6 years ago. Not many can handle that kind of pressure or seriousness, and even more than that, many can't manage act normal or natural if they know the seriousness of my health history. So, I'm incredibly thankful for the friends and people in my life who do handle it and are willing to go the extra mile to be a friend to me. My boyfriend most definitely is a person who has always been willing and happy to go an extra mile or two just to make me happy or make my life a little easier. Words just don't put my gratitude to justice.

Being sick for so many years, its easy to feel like a burden to the people around you. At many times I've felt like a burden or a job to Justin, because he literally is an EMT, that IS his job. But amazingly, this whole vacation he said he wasn't worried or stressed at all, neither of us were, and that alone says a lot about how far I've come.

It is sad to me sometimes to think that he's never even known what I'm like or who I am as a 100% healthy person, but the blessing about him only having known "sick me" is that our entire relationship has been built upon finding the absolute best in even the hardest times. It doesn't take a ton to make us feel really happy and fulfilled in the time we spend together. Genuinely really enjoying each others company and our conversations IS what our relationship's foundation, and I love that about us.

Having this trip and being able to do so much went so far above and beyond our expectations. It truly was amazing, and I'm so thankful to have shared such a big milestone with a person who has been such an essential part of why I'm still alive and here on this planet.

There were many moments on this trip were I forgot about all the hell I've been though the last 6 years, I felt normal, I felt like the old me, "healthy me", and that rarely ever happens to me!

As I'm healing and getting better and better, it's been a re-awakening or a re-birth of me and who I am as a person. This whole journey has been such a transformation and metamorphosis. I've grown and learned so so much as a person in the last 6 years.

There are so many parts of myself that I had long thought died and had come to peace with never having those parts of myself again, but so many things just keep waking back up. It's been amazing for me to be rediscovering parts of myself that have been dormant for so many years, and it's incredible to get to see Justin get to meet and love all these new healthy sides to me too.

He met and loved me so wholly even when I was just broken pieces, and I'd found peace and happiness in that state too. All of this is just bonuses and blessings and miracles and gifts from... idk someone out there who loves me.

I'm blown away with how far I've come in two years since that time, and how far I've come in even just the last year! There's no way I could've done this trip even just 6 months ago!

Yes, I am still held back physically, and still have a ways to go until I'm "healthy." But this trip was such a big accomplishment and such a huge milestone. It's a true testament of how far I've come and I am just beyond grateful for my progress and that I'm still continuing to heal.

This whole post I've been trying so hard to put all of these feelings into words and this still doesn't even come close to expressing the amount of gratitude I feel. To put things as simply as possible...

I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.

I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. 

Thank you Justin for loving me through good times and bad. You truly are one of my biggest unsung heroes. You mean the world to me, and I know this is just the first of many vacations we will get to take together. ❤️

Thank you to my parents for making this trip happen, and for all of your love and support and your continued help in getting me healthy.

Thank you to my family and friends for sticking by me and being happy to be my safety net.

(and last but not least)

Thank you to all the "someones out there who love me."😇 I see you.😘 I love you too. Thank you for everything. 💖

6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters

Yesterday was a totally average day for me - laundry, cooking, yoga, playing with my fur babies, etc. - I was in an average mood, just doing my normal daily things. It wasn't until almost bedtime that I realized that it was the 6 year anniversary of when my chronic illness officially began. -- August 24, 2012 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day.

In realizing what day it was, I also realized that yesterday marked 5 months since my dear friend, Alex passed away from the same chronic illnesses I too have. -- She passed away on March 24, 2018 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day too.


Some may have noticed, or maybe not, that I haven't been blogging as much this year. I've been journaling more than I ever have before, so it's not like I've run out of thoughts or things to say. But I've been struggling to write publicly for a while now.
A huge part of that is due to me losing a friend to the same illnesses I have, but also, it's due to the fact that every year of being sick is just so different for me - emotionally, mentally, physically, even spiritually. No year has been the same. Honestly, the only real consistent thing about the past 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been.

It's been a pretty crazy year though, and even just this week has been crazy! There's been lots of emotions, a huge emotional breakdown, and I randomly got 7 splinters on my knuckle from God knows what?! Like what does that even mean?! 7 splinters?! Does it mean after the 7th year this will be over? Was this some crazy 7 years of bad luck thing??

Since it's been so long since I've written about my life I'll have to break it down and resist from writing about everything all at once. In my next post (whenever that may take place, hopefully soon) I'll talk more about the 6 year anniversary and how it's effected me this year, but today I really feel most compelled to talk about Alex and her impact on my life.


Losing Alex really tore me up to say the least, and 5 months later, I still have waves of grief and sometimes even survivors guilt.
Yes, we only knew each other for a little less than a year and only ever met in person once just in a brief passing, but she was one of the truest, kindest, most genuine and caring people I have ever met. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.
But even more special than that, she understood me. She understood my illnesses, she felt what I had felt, and even if we couldn't perfectly put it into words, we silently knew that we knew exactly what the other felt and what we were going through. When we met a year ago, for the first time in 5 years I had a person who completely understood my illnesses.

Sure, I know many people with Lyme now, but she was the first girl I'd met who was close to my own age and had Lyme, the same co-infection as me, AND she had MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome.) I didn't know any other people who had MCAS! I went from feeling so alone in my suffering to suddenly just having this amazing, super optimistic friend who had been living an extremely identical life to me!

I was told for years by the medical community too that I was just some medical mystery and they'd imply that I was crazy or making things up, and so to meet a girl who'd gone through that too and for us both to have lived and felt the same things, it was extremely validating for us both! I wasn't alone. We weren't alone.


As I've now shared with Alex's family since her passing, once I got sick I never prayed anymore, especially not for myself. The only thing I always prayed for was to just have one person, one friend who just understood everything I was going through. I can't even tell you how many sleepless nights I would cry and just beg the universe to send me someone. Just one person, that's all I needed, and I was so desperate to have that. Just one person...
When I met Alex that prayer was finally answered.

No, we didn't know each other for long, but she was the answer to my prayers and a huge hole that had been a part of me for 5 years was finally filled. She brought me so much peace, and happiness, and light, and love, and just bounds of inspiration because my god that girl just glowed with such a palpable radiance of love and hope and faith and all things good. I mean, if I ever could imagine what an angel would be like if they lived here on earth, that was it, she was it, that was Alex!


Losing her is beyond tragic, for everyone, but how lucky am I to have had such a pure hearted person in my life, even if it was just for a flash. I had a beautiful friend, and someone who truly understood my biggest struggles in life, and what a miracle and blessing is that? That's priceless.

She may be physically gone, but she is still so present. There has not been a day that I haven't felt her with me, and that girl is just a master at sending signs from heaven too. I've spoken to her family too and ALL of us get lots of signs from Alex, and most commonly in the from of happy little birdies.

All of the amazing things she radiated when she was here on earth have only just amplified now that she truly is a full on guardian angel. She truly radiates just this incredibly palpable level of love, light, hope, positivity, and faith that I honestly could ever imagine, and when I met her I was a person who hadn't had faith for years, and had long ago lost my hope. The only people I've seen who's every radiates that much love and light was when I spent a week with the monks last summer. It was such a palpable energy. I could feel God shining through them, and I can feel God shining through Alex.

It is downright the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever been a part of or witnessed or felt. I feel honored to be a part of it. It's just been so life changing and so inspiring.


As I said earlier, I do struggle with survivors guilt sometimes, but Alex always goes out of her way to remind me that "everything happens for a reason." That is a phrase that I always would say when I first got sick, and I still believe it to be true.

Last night I listened to music and "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (click to listen) came on and it just felt like Alex speaking to me. She was reminding me that everything happens for a reason.
Much like the song, she inspired me to reconsider my faith, give heaven more than just a passing glance, and to just let in the love and light, and let it shine out of me.

I don't know why she had to leave so soon, or why exactly I'm the one who's still here, and maybe I never will fully know "why." All I know is that I trust that there is a higher purpose, I have hope that maybe someday I'll understand, and until then, I have faith that I will be guided and helped along my journey by kind people in this world, kind souls who are beyond, and whoever or whatever is the higher power that guides us all through this crazy journey of life and beyond.



Thank you, Alex... for everything.
I promise to give heaven more than just a passing glance, I'll always give faith a fighting chance, when I'm by the ocean and feeling small and humble I'll smile and think of you, I won't fear the mountains in the distance, I'll never regret loving, I won't let bitterness win, I'll never take a single breath for granted, and I promise if I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I'll dance, and I'll smile because I know you'll be dancing right there with me too.

I miss you.
I love you.
But I know we're always together in the heart.

"Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."

All my love,
Savannah💖

2 Years Since My Graduation!

2 years ago today, I graduated as Valedictorian of my class and I gave this speech. 

Believe it or not, I've had terrible stage fright my entire life, and still to this day I'm amazed I was able to deliver such a strong speech. It's the first speech I'd ever given too. AND I was having such a bad health day that day! But I somehow managed to look and sound totally normal! That's a HUGE win for a chronically ill person!

One and a half years ago, just 6 months after I gave this graduation speech, I was dying. I was back down to the absolute my sickest point again, and I was barely hanging on by a thread. 

I didn't think I would make it. 

For the first time, I actually just told my mom earlier this week that when I got to that point I started to write letters to everyone because I didn't think I'd live much longer, and I didn't want to leave things unsaid. 

I had been on death's doorstep before then, and I'd never written anything or planned my life for after I'd die. But, a year and a half ago, I was doing those things. 

Writing those letters is hands down the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot too. 

It deeply changed me as a person... 

Writing letters to the people you love most in the world talking about how "I'm sorry I didn't make it" is extremely hard and painful, but not just that, I really, truly believed and 100% felt I would not live much longer beyond the point that I started writing those letters. 

It's a feeling I barely know how to put into words, and it's a feeling I hope most people never experience...

I never finished writing my letters though. I only got through a few of them and I had a "come to Jesus" type moment where I realized, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving up? I don't give up!" 

I realized I had come back to the point of needing to choose if I was going to live or die, and acting that way, I was choosing death. 

After 5 years of battling terrible illnesses, I don't think anyone would've resented or blamed me for being exhausted and throwing in the towel, but I did...I resented me for it. I don't give up. That completely goes against who I am as a person, and not just that, but many many years ago I made my mom a promise that I would fight til the end and never give up. So long as she fights for me, I will fight too. I realized though, that within that promise was another flaw in my plans. 

A year and a half ago, I could no longer live just for the sake of my family, I realized I had to want to and choose to live for ME. 

I knew it was the only way I could survive. 

I balled my eyes out, I left those letters in the past, and I chose to live, for me. 

I slowly began to rebuild and redefine my life, yet again, and I'm now in a place I never could've imagined. I'm such a different person that who I was 6 years ago, and even just 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more proud or grateful for the amount of love, support, growth, and life changing inspiration I've encountered on my journey. 

It is a flat out MIRACLE that I am alive today, and that's something I know for sure and something I never take for granted anymore.

5 years ago, I technically should've died from being undiagnosed and untreated for a year. 

That, plus the amount of times I've almost died over the years due to my illnesses, the pain, exhaustion, not sleeping, my heart struggling, my gut failing me, the completely mind altering depression, depersonalization, or being suicidal, or so many other things I've struggled with!

I'm sure it's easy for people to look at me and say "I always knew you'd make it." Or they see me healthy now and just never think I could've lost my life to these illnesses. But the people who really saw me and were with me through this illness know... My family, my boyfriend, my doctors, my medical "team"... they know how much of a miracle it is that I'm alive. They saw how much of me died when I was at my lowest and darkest moments. 

As many know, I lost a friend of mine, back in March, to all of the same illnesses I have/had. Our stories are so paralleled, and losing her totally tore my family up emotionally, not only because it was a tragic loss of a beautiful soul, but because it was a true testament to how close we were to that being me. 

THAT is another feeling I hardly know how to describe, and wish people never have to experience that either because yes, I am still alive, but we know how much of me truly did die along this journey. It's such a deep pain for all of us...

...

Yesterday afternoon, my second to youngest cousin graduated high school. 

Our dads are identical twins, and so genetically she and her two brothers are actually my half siblings. That's a theory I mentioned at a family BBQ at their house a few years back. Since then, a few of us have done genetic testing, and sure enough, genetically they are my half siblings!

So really, she's not just a cousin to me. 

How fitting too that we graduated 2 years apart and almost exactly to the day!! Just one day off!

AND

The girl who's name was called right before her, her first name is Savannah! The only Savannah in her whole class! 

Coincidence? I think not. ;)

I was on the verge of tears for most of the graduation, not just because I am so proud and happy for her and her family, but because watching her graduation had me reflecting so much about my past and how far I've come since my graduation. 

More than anything, I feel so incredibly blessed to just be alive.

I felt so blessed to just be there, to witness that huge milestone in her and her family's lives. I also just feel so grateful for how far I've come in the 2 years since I graduated. Little by little I am carving out a whole new life, and a new normal that I love and am so proud of. ❤️

What a big chapter of our lives ending...

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us all, and I feel so blessed and grateful for this journey. ❤️

...

Today, I woke up and watched my Valedictorian speech for the first time in a long time. I had tears in my eyes, chills covering my body, and an overflowing amount of gratitude in my heart. Afterwards, I sat there and out loud, I said "Thank you." to the universe, god, the guardian angels, and whoever all is out there and has been looking out for me and has helped me get to where I am today. 

Thank you, to those of you who have been a part of making me into the person I am.

A HUGE thank you to the people who have actively helped me too. 

Most of all, thank you to my family, and my boyfriend too. Justin, you're an unsung hero I don't publicly give credit to nearly often enough. ❤️

I'm grateful for all of you though and for everything you've done. 

After living through being on death's doorstep more than a handful of times, I'm just unbelievingly grateful for life. It's something I'm never sure I'll ever be able to accurately express. I mean... I was given more than just a second chance at life, I was given...9 lives!

(For those of you who know me well, you'd know that 9 has been my lucky number my entire life, I've always loved cats, I have lots of cats, AND I've always said that if I were an animal I would be a cat of some kind. So my 9 lives are so fitting!😉)

What a life...

What a crazy chapter...

Thank you to everyone who's been a part of it!

On to the next chapter!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.