My Month-Long Healing & Meditation Retreat

 It’s time for a life and health update. 

My year has actually been alright. The world has been a mess, but quite honestly, I’ve coped very well through these wild ups and downs. I’ve had a good year, truly. 

I’ve made tons of progress with writing my romance novel, I’m so close to being monotized on YouTube (which means I could start making money), my little spiritual business is growing and I’m sharing so much more about who I am. I’ve had lots of time to enjoy hobbies this year too! 

On the flip side...

In early October I tried a new vitamin and I had a pretty bad reaction to it. It set me back physically, but it really set me back mentally and emotionally. It deeply flared my PTSD and I completely shut down for a week or two there.

I rebounded nicely, I thoroughly enjoyed November, and then things came to a screeching halt early December. 

I had a phone call appointment with my doctor and the first question he asked was, “What happened? Tell me about the bad reaction you had?” Thankfully my mom was there so she answered for me, but I sat there in complete shock because I have zero memory of what happened. 

I remember I had a bad reaction, I was deeply PTSD triggered, I shut down for a while, then I came back to normal life. But I guess I focused so much on moving forward that I never stopped to look back and realize that I don’t actually remember what happened. I didn’t even know I had a blackout until right there in that moment when I finally had to stop and think back. 

I knew it hit me deep, but I didn’t think it went this deep. I didn’t think it was this bad. 

My mom and fiancé were also shocked that I had no memory of what happened too. 

Blackouts

Now, it’s not something I’ve talked about much, but this is something that’s happened to me many times before. Back when I was very sick it was actually common for me to have memory blackouts. Sometimes I would lose a week, other times an entire month would erase. I have many entire months missing from my memory, and it’s not a good feeling. 

I haven’t had a memory blackout since winter 2016/2017. I’ve never had it happen while I’m in remission, so I’ve been pretty shaken up about this. 

After some research I realize the terms “PTSD blackout” and “dissociative amnesia” fit this quite well. Amnesia itself actually does fit too, but I know my consistent trigger for these things is I have to be DEEPLY mentally “not okay” and also have a physical health flare happening too. It has to be just the perfect storm, and then bam, I have zero recollection of however long I’m in that place for. 

Where I'm at right now.

So this was how December started for me. I started the month completely triggered and hypersensitive to everything. Then my dog had to go to the vet, and we had a family emergency, and then I had an awful 10/10 period. More things piled up when I was already in a place where I couldn’t handle anything more. So now, I’m numb. Because this is my defense-mechanism pattern. When things get too intense, I go numb. I now wouldn’t be surprised if end up blocking out this month too. 

Physically I’m okay, but mentally I’m not. I’m mostly depersonalized, but when I do feel in my own body I feel depressed, constantly on the verge of panic, and suicidal. I’m having panic attacks in my sleep, I can’t human, and I can barely speak. 

But that is my pattern. I KNOW how I get when shit gets hard. 

When I end up in this place I want nothing more than to just disappear. 

Taking a month off.

When my bad reaction happened I vaguely recall telling my mom, “I need a month off to get my shit back together.” But I didn’t take a month off, I only took a few weeks and then fully jumped back in to all the things. 

I didn’t give myself the time I needed. 

I bottled, and pushing on just ended up digging me a deeper hole. And I know better than to do this crap!! But yet, I’m here anyway. 

Initially I felt like I needed a month, so sitting in this hole, feeling completely stuck in tar, emotionally hurting so much that my chest and head physically hurt, I’m realizing, I should give myself what I instinctually felt like I needed when this first hit. I should give myself a month to "disappear."

Groundhog Day

I asked my body what I need, and it’s really not that complex. I need to get back into my healing routine that I know works for me. I need simple daily things. I call this "Groundhog Day."

— Daily —

-food, vitamins, hydration 

-rest 

-no stress

-sunshine, outside time or window time

-animal time 

-art, creativity or photography 

-playing or listening to music

-journaling 

-writing, reading, or editing 

-yoga or light exercise 

-meditation 

-healing energy 

My healing & meditation retreat. 

This week I actually had to turn off my phone for the first time in years, and that’s another sign to me that I know what I need to do. So I’ll be going off the grid, disappearing for a month, just to solely focus on me, my healing, what I need, what feels good. 

I’m thinking I’ll view this time as if I’m going away to a healing retreat for a month, because otherwise I’m not sure I’ll stick with it. Likely, I’d feel guilty or sad for having to step away for so long and I’d just jump back in. But if I view this as a healing retreat, maybe that will change some of my inner narrative about this, and maybe that will help me stick to the things I know I need to do. 

Truly, it’s been years since I’ve so seriously stepped away from everything and ONLY focused on me. But I guess it’s time. 

No cutting corners. No rushing the process. Just unapologetically giving myself what I need. 

World, I’ll see you in 2021. 

I'll be at home, in my own little world, in my own happy bubble, in my healing space.

Be A Light

 Earlier this year I wrote a tribute to my friend Alex who passed away 2 years ago at age 22. 

"I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light."

I read that earlier this week and got teary. 

"If there wasn't light in a situation, she would become the light."

Be A Light

A friend sent me this song this week, and I thought this was a message worth sharing.

"Don't hide in the dark,

you were born to shine.

In a world full of hate,

be a light."

I haven't commented on most of the ups and downs that have happened during this crazy year of 2020, although I do respect those who do speak on things.

In my life though, I've found my energy is best spent focusing on things that uplift me, and things I can do to uplift the world around me. Simply put, I want to be a light, and I know how I shine my light best.

I appreciate seeing others making such efforts be a light too, even if we go about doing so in different ways.

I don't care if we're different.

I just care that we treat each other and the world with kindness. I believe in compassion, peace and love, and I do believe that people who are widely different than me believe in and live by those things too.

The world would benefit from judging less about our differences, and focusing more on our similarities. Maybe then we could build more bridges and rebuild.

I dream of a future of our world coming together. A world where differences are actually just celebrated, and not seen as an issue.

"Yes, we are different. But we still love and respect each other."

"You don't have to change who you are for me to love you."

"I would love to learn from your different perspective."

"I would be honored to walk a mile in your shoes."

What a world that would be, huh?

I hope you are being a light in your own unique and incredible way.

I'll be over here being a light in my own unique way too.

I know Alex is still being a light in her special way too. 😇

I'M ENGAGED! I proposed on 2/22/2020

Realizing I Wanted To Propose To My Boyfriend 

In October (2019) I realized that 2020 was a leap year, and somehow, that was my sign, that’s how I knew I was going to propose to my boyfriend.

4 years ago, with the last leap year, I learned about an old Irish tradition of women proposing on leap day on leap year, and I thought it was so cute. (There’s a movie called Leap Year too. It’s super cute. I defs recommend it.) 

4 years ago though, with the last leap year, Justin and I had only been together for 6 months or less, so naturally I just fantasied about the future instead. I wondered if we’d still be together, and if I’d still like this leap year proposal idea. “What if I propose on the next leap year in 2020?”

I feel like I had been waiting for a sign to take the leap, and leap year was that sign for me. 

I knew right away I’d propose in February, but I wasn’t sure if I would do it on leap day exactly, or maybe Valentine’s Day. Eventually I just opted to choose the weekend between those two and go for February 22nd. 22 is a meaningful number to me too, plus I’m 22, and he’s 22, and on 2/22/2020. All the twos! 

The Planning & Prepping

I had been planning this since October and I wildly underestimated how hard it would be to get through all of the holidays between October and February and NOT propose. There was Halloween, Thanksgiving, December and all of its Christmasy cuteness, there was New Year’s Eve, my birthday in January, and then Valentine’s Day too. There was so many days where I almost proposed, or almost slipped up and mentioned something about it!

I highly recommend NOT planning a proposal 6 months away because OMG it’s so hard to keep it a secret for that long!! 

But I’m stubborn and I had a plan and wanted to stick to it. 

So...

In November I got him a ring that I know he’d love. 

In December I crafted a solid plan that I knew I would stick to. 

In early January I told just our immediate families. 

In late January I told him to save Feb 22nd as a belated Valentine’s date night and that we should dress up, go out, stop by the beach, and go to dinner. He was totally down and didn’t seem to suspect a thing. 

The Proposal 

On 2/22/2020, I asked my best friend to marry me and (spoiler alert) he said yes!

I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn the proposal into a video, but I decided to go for it, and I decided to share it too. I made the video for us mostly, secondly for friends and family, and then just for anyone who likes happy, feel-good content. I love these kinds of videos and always have, so I figured, why not share it and spread some happy content.

I'm so happy I turned it into a video too because that day and really this whole first week has been a whirlwind. Having the video to look back on and rewatch really helps this milestone sink in more.

You can watch the proposal here:

Then.... We Were On TV!

Amidst the countless congratulatory messages we were receiving from family, a few days after sharing our proposal video, a TV producer DMd me on Instagram. She said she loved the video and asked if she could share it online and also put it on TV. I said yes. Why not share the happiness even farther? Right?

Our proposal was on TV on 2/27, I had recorded it in the morning and later that evening we just so happened to be having a birthday dinner for my grandpa, so we all got to watch the tv clip together. Pretty crazy. So surreal. I still can't really wrap my head around this week.

The show is called Right This Minute, it's a viral video sharing show. They try to share videos before they go viral.

You can watch the TV clip here. It's exactly what was on TV.

Follow Your Heart

After watching the video and after reading this, you'll obviously see that I've wanted to ask him the big question for a long time. 

I’m such a firm believer of following your happiness, following your heart, and not letting anyone or anything, not even yourself, get in the way of that. I’ve been so true to that in most of my life too, but this was a big thing I had just continued to let myself overthink. I worried about social-norms, and breaking the mold too much. Although I know this was the perfect time for this milestone, I do wish I hadn't let those fears hang over me for so long. 

I’m ready to step into this new decade just fully following through with wholeheartedly, unapologetically letting my heart lead the way. 

There was no better way for me to start this new chapter than doing exactly this. 


The Big LEAP

Today is leap day and as I'm reflecting back, I could not be more proud of myself and how far I've come since the last leap day 4 years ago. Although I had fears, I had faith, and that was stronger. I took the big leap, and look at everything that's come of that. 

I gotta say too, I'm damn proud of how far my FIANCE (omg so cool to say that) and I have come in these 4 years too. So proud. Man we've faced so much together, but we've come out the other side closer and with a stronger, deeper, richer love than ever. I am so blessed to have a life partner who loves all of me - highs, loves, untraditional, and all of my unique-ness. 

Ps. I’ve never understood why only men propose in straight relationships. That’s never resonated with me, and obviously I’ve always loved the idea of me being the one to propose.

I’ve always believed that if a woman wants to propose, then she should, because relationships are 50/50 and it’s just as much our say as it is theirs. Equality. Period. 

Regardless of gender, if your heart is set on someone, if you’re ready to take that leap and think they will leap with you, then you should simply listen to and follow your heart. 

You don’t need a leap year to take the leap, but it’s okay if it takes a leap year to remind you of that. 😆😉

22 - A Tribute To Alex

On the 16th I turned 22, which is the age that my friend Alex passed away at. She died of all the same illnesses I had, and two years ago when she passed away I was just newly in remission. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and even thriving now. 

To be turning the age she was when she passed away is so incredibly bittersweet for me. She has been constantly, heavily on my mind lately. But I can feel that this year of being 22 is going to bring me so many blessings. I just know it, and I know Alex will be working her magic. 

Alex’s number was 22, it was her lucky number, it was always her sports number, and she ended up even passing away at 22.

Just about every day that she’s been gone she sends me a strategically timed 22 somewhere as a little hello from heaven, as a pat on the back, as encouragement, as guidance, as a reminder... 

Example: Right after midnight this New Year’s Eve I noticed we had been dancing right next to table number 22, and I knew that was her way of saying she was with us and she was happy for my happiness. 

I’m blessed that she is always with me, every day, and since we’re walking through life hand in hand between worlds, 22 has become my number too, my other number, our number. 

I’m intentionally carrying forward Alex’s 22s and everything that her beautiful soul embodies. To be turning 22, her number, is emotional, and special, and so meaningful. I feel her with me more than ever.

She’s been encouraging me so much to celebrate life and all of my blessings and milestones, and I am, and I will continue to remind myself to do so! But I also can’t help that there is a big part of my heart that in some way wants to dedicate this year of being 22 to her. That may sound odd to some too, but I know what I’m feeling inside. If nothing else, I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light. 

So as I’m stepping into being 22, that’s what I want to embody, and that’s how I want to honor Alex. 

Thank you, to my dear sweet angel friend, Alex. 

I coincidentally finished writing this at 2:22.

More About Alex

If anyone reading this would like to learn more about Alex's story or if you'd like to donate to the Alex Hudson Lyme Foundation you can visit their website here: https://www.alexhudsonlymefoundation.org

I also shared some of Alex's story in this video. 

Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express. 

End Of The Year Reflection

Reflecting On My Past Year

I’m not one who does “New Years resolutions” per-say, but the last few years I’ve created long lists with goals or things I would like to get done in the next year or so of time. As a Capricorn, I do love a good, categorized list. 

At the end of the year I like to reflect and go through my list and appreciate everything I accomplished in the past year. Then for the beginning of the new year I make a new list. Anything I didn't get done the past year remains, anything I want to continue to do remains, and new goals get added as well. 

This year I didn’t accomplish everything on my lists for “work” or “adulting”, but I did make “love” a priority, and that makes me happy. I did almost everything on my “health” list, I kept my “mindsets” in mind, and above all else, I accomplished everything on my “self love” list, and I love that. 

Really, my main intention this year was to choose love and happiness everywhere I could. I decided I would choose the things that make me happy and things that fill my heart, and I’m very proud to say that that is what I did with my year. 

I intentionally put “work” and “adulting” on the back burner, and I’m thankful that I was able to do so and that I was able to give myself this year of love and happiness instead. What an incredible blessing that is. 

It was so need too. 

My body, my mind, and my soul needed this replenishing year, more than you can begin to imagine. How lucky am I that I was able to recognize this too, and that I was able to give myself what I really needed? 

I know not everyone feels like they have this chance to give themself that much self love, but man... If you get a chance to be able to chose love and happiness, I highly recommend that you take that chance and claim your joy. Life is too short to let that pass you by. Don’t wait to be happy. Don’t wait to choose love and value your heart. You deserve those things always. 

Some Cool Things I Accomplished This Year

• I branched out and made new friends. 
• I reconnected with old friends and hosted a class reunion. 
• I’m 50k+ words into writing my first book. 
• I became a certified reiki master. 
• I’m 90% better, health wise. 
• I’m finally back to weighing what I weighed before I got sick. 
• I moved out into the pool house and am living with my boyfriend. 
• I’m finally driving (I got my permit a few months ago and didn't really tell people.)

I read good books, I learned new things, I tried new things, I listened to good music, I binge watched a few good tv series, I caught up on movies I wanted to see, I got back to doing more hobbies and things that make me happy, I got back to enjoying life. 

I followed my happiness and chose love. 

I was true to myself. 

I was happy. 

THAT is everything. THAT is priceless. 

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

Recently, I had a long and meaningful phone conversation with my only friend in remission.

She and I have very paralleled health journeys, having our lowest points around the same time, almost dying around the same time, and we ended up in remission around the same time too.

We’ve bonded a lot over our paralleled health stories, but especially over our paralleled remission journeys. 

One day we had this long phone call just comparing notes, comparing things we both went through, and one topic I loved and wanted to turn into something to share was the topic of, “The things people don’t tell you about remission.”

She and I both were very much so “lone wolves” in our health struggles and had no real reference point of what our futures (and health especially) would look like. Honestly, we both had come to terms with death as a very realistic option because with how sick we got neither of us really expected to live to see where we are now. Through stubborn perseverance we are both alive and well, but since we had no reference points for what to expect in health, we had no idea what to expect for “remission” either.

Thus…

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

🌸Remission doesn’t instantly mean that you’re 100% better and back to a totally normal “Old you”,“old life.”

🌸Remission (and healing) is a gradual process. You will have to continue to be patient, forgiving, and extra compassionate to yourself, and on top of it all you will still need to work daily on continuing and up-keeping your health. 

🌸There are still a hell of a lot of good days and bad days, but they become less extreme, the bad days start to lessen, and the good days gradually get better. Shit will still hit the fan from time to time, but it won’t be as bad, or nearly as frequent, and you gradually will learn to cope better and better with it.

🌸The good days feel even better than you can imagine, and you will happy cry a lot.

🌸The bad days will likely trigger your past scars a lot more than you’d expect. 

🌸Health flares do still happen, for a lot longer than you’d probably expect. Don’t panic, it doesn’t  necessarily mean you’re relapsing and need to jump back into fight or flight responses. It could be hormones, it could be stress, it could be the moon, it could be a cold, it could be that you ate some food you shouldn’t have. Chill, give it a few days, and see how you do. Healthy people function by the rule of ,“Wait a week or two and see if it worsens, contact your doctor if it does.” This is you now. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 

🌸Some days you’re going to cry like the world is ending and you don’t even know why.

🌸Some days you’re going to still feel stuck, “less than”, or frustrated in the pace that things are going. 

🌸Some days you’re going to wonder if it all was a bad dream. 

🌸Some moments you’re going to completely forget about the past. 

🌸It will all feel a bit odd and twilight-zone-y, like your own personal parallel universes are colliding. 

🌸You will fit in even less now. When you were healthy you had that, when you were sick you found your sick friends, but now that you’re in remission there’s much fewer people in this phase, and even fewer who are in the same place as you right now. This is probably the least you will ever fit in because you don’t really fit on either side of those lines now. Embrace being different. Just be you. 

🌸It will be a bit odd to have your sick friend life and your healthy friend life and have yourself be somewhere bouncing back and forth in-between, juggling two different identities. I hope you choose your new, healthier identity, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with any friends, not if you don’t want to, not if they still bring you joy. 

🌸If you’re lucky you will find someone who’s at the same stage of remission as you and you’ll at least have them to talk and fully relate to, but everyone else… doesn’t really get it. 

🌸You will naturally have expectations of what remission will look and feel like, and I promise you it will end up being different than that. That’s not a good or bad thing either, it’s just how life goes. 

🌸There will be things you’ll expect to want to do once in remission, but when you finally get there you may not have any interest, or it may not fit or be as fun as you thought. Don’t hover too long on that and shift your attention back towards things you do enjoy, and things you do want to do. You deserve some self indulgence. Follow your joy. Follow the things that make you excited about life again. 

🌸Re-entering life can be incredibly daunting, triggering, and even scary. Push past the fear, worry, anxieties, doubts and all of that crap. 

🌸You most likely will have some level of PTSD. It’s time to learn more about PTSD and healing, and then take advantage of resources to help you move forward. Reading self help books or seeking out a therapist are great options. 

🌸Get out of your own head, and in fact, just getting out in general would be good for you. 

🌸You can still overdo it and set yourself back because you’re still healing. You don’t have to over-stress and overthink this, just respect your limits when they do start to arise. Listen to your body. 

🌸As you move forwards in your healing, all of your limits and boundaries will constantly be in flux, constantly shifting, and hopefully in a healthy direction. It can feel frustrating to not have consistency in these areas, but try to hold onto gratitude because you are moving forwards! Remember when you got sick and all of your limits and boundaries shifted backwards for a long time? Now you’re doing that in reverse and the forward movement is a wonderful thing!

🌸Some things will emotionally feel more raw because now you finally have the energy to actually feel! (pros and cons to that lol) You’ve greatly healed your body, and now your body will allow in more emotions, which means you have work to do in healing your emotions and mind. Again, friends, self help books, and therapy are great options. 

🌸Time will help your wounds, but it won’t completely erase the scars, and the memory of the pain that caused them. It’s a normal part of human existence to have this happen. We all have our scars.

🌸Try to remind yourself of what things are a normal part of human existence. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets random little illnesses, everyone cries and has emotional outbursts, everyone overdoes it sometimes, everyone has those days where they overthink their existence and don’t feel good enough, everyone has a sleepless night every once in a while, etc, etc etc. Before you panic, before you spiral out of control, remember what things are just a part of being human. 

Let's Talk More About Remission

In short, remission is not easy, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and it’s surely not what I expected. 

I think there’s a lack of people honestly sharing about remission because they’re either trying very hard to “fit in and just be normal” and/or they’re underwhelmed and don’t want to discourage others or kill their hope. But since no one’s honestly sharing about the ups and downs it leaves everyone in remission feeling alone, and probably a bit panic-y too. 

I realized in talking with my remission buddy, and through our countless conversations comparing remission and seeking validation to know we aren’t alone in this odd limbo space in our lives, that this is something I need to talk more about. I realize I’ve focused so much on trying to give people hope that they can make it into remission that I forgot to give attention to what remission actually looks and feels like. Granted, remission will be different for everyone, but hopefully in sharing more about it I can cover at least some of the bases. 

The last thing I want is for someone who’s sick to feel like, “I have nothing to look froward to. It’s still going to be hard. Why keep trying?” I’ve had my share of days where I feel that way, but most days I’m incredibly grateful for my ever-improving quality of health and life. I’m always grateful that I didn’t give up. Remission is hard sometimes, life is hard sometimes, but it’s all absolutely worth it. 

In sharing more about remission I simply want to look out for and speak up for all my fellow remission buddies out there in the world. Hopefully it won’t discourage those who are still searching for healing, but it will give them a more realistic idea of what it feels like to actually enter remission. I had no real guidelines for what to expect in my health journey, I didn’t have someone to look up to or look to for guidance or validation, and there have been countless times that I really could’ve benefited from that. I don’t expect everyone to relate to my journey, but I know someone out there will and whoever that person is, this is for you.