2 years ago today, I graduated as Valedictorian of my class and I gave this speech.
Believe it or not, I've had terrible stage fright my entire life, and still to this day I'm amazed I was able to deliver such a strong speech. It's the first speech I'd ever given too. AND I was having such a bad health day that day! But I somehow managed to look and sound totally normal! That's a HUGE win for a chronically ill person!
One and a half years ago, just 6 months after I gave this graduation speech, I was dying. I was back down to the absolute my sickest point again, and I was barely hanging on by a thread.
I didn't think I would make it.
For the first time, I actually just told my mom earlier this week that when I got to that point I started to write letters to everyone because I didn't think I'd live much longer, and I didn't want to leave things unsaid.
I had been on death's doorstep before then, and I'd never written anything or planned my life for after I'd die. But, a year and a half ago, I was doing those things.
Writing those letters is hands down the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot too.
It deeply changed me as a person...
Writing letters to the people you love most in the world talking about how "I'm sorry I didn't make it" is extremely hard and painful, but not just that, I really, truly believed and 100% felt I would not live much longer beyond the point that I started writing those letters.
It's a feeling I barely know how to put into words, and it's a feeling I hope most people never experience...
I never finished writing my letters though. I only got through a few of them and I had a "come to Jesus" type moment where I realized, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving up? I don't give up!"
I realized I had come back to the point of needing to choose if I was going to live or die, and acting that way, I was choosing death.
After 5 years of battling terrible illnesses, I don't think anyone would've resented or blamed me for being exhausted and throwing in the towel, but I did...I resented me for it. I don't give up. That completely goes against who I am as a person, and not just that, but many many years ago I made my mom a promise that I would fight til the end and never give up. So long as she fights for me, I will fight too. I realized though, that within that promise was another flaw in my plans.
A year and a half ago, I could no longer live just for the sake of my family, I realized I had to want to and choose to live for ME.
I knew it was the only way I could survive.
I balled my eyes out, I left those letters in the past, and I chose to live, for me.
I slowly began to rebuild and redefine my life, yet again, and I'm now in a place I never could've imagined. I'm such a different person that who I was 6 years ago, and even just 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more proud or grateful for the amount of love, support, growth, and life changing inspiration I've encountered on my journey.
It is a flat out MIRACLE that I am alive today, and that's something I know for sure and something I never take for granted anymore.
5 years ago, I technically should've died from being undiagnosed and untreated for a year.
That, plus the amount of times I've almost died over the years due to my illnesses, the pain, exhaustion, not sleeping, my heart struggling, my gut failing me, the completely mind altering depression, depersonalization, or being suicidal, or so many other things I've struggled with!
I'm sure it's easy for people to look at me and say "I always knew you'd make it." Or they see me healthy now and just never think I could've lost my life to these illnesses. But the people who really saw me and were with me through this illness know... My family, my boyfriend, my doctors, my medical "team"... they know how much of a miracle it is that I'm alive. They saw how much of me died when I was at my lowest and darkest moments.
As many know, I lost a friend of mine, back in March, to all of the same illnesses I have/had. Our stories are so paralleled, and losing her totally tore my family up emotionally, not only because it was a tragic loss of a beautiful soul, but because it was a true testament to how close we were to that being me.
THAT is another feeling I hardly know how to describe, and wish people never have to experience that either because yes, I am still alive, but we know how much of me truly did die along this journey. It's such a deep pain for all of us...
...
Yesterday afternoon, my second to youngest cousin graduated high school.
Our dads are identical twins, and so genetically she and her two brothers are actually my half siblings. That's a theory I mentioned at a family BBQ at their house a few years back. Since then, a few of us have done genetic testing, and sure enough, genetically they are my half siblings!
So really, she's not just a cousin to me.
How fitting too that we graduated 2 years apart and almost exactly to the day!! Just one day off!
AND
The girl who's name was called right before her, her first name is Savannah! The only Savannah in her whole class!
Coincidence? I think not. ;)
I was on the verge of tears for most of the graduation, not just because I am so proud and happy for her and her family, but because watching her graduation had me reflecting so much about my past and how far I've come since my graduation.
More than anything, I feel so incredibly blessed to just be alive.
I felt so blessed to just be there, to witness that huge milestone in her and her family's lives. I also just feel so grateful for how far I've come in the 2 years since I graduated. Little by little I am carving out a whole new life, and a new normal that I love and am so proud of. ❤️
What a big chapter of our lives ending...
I'm excited to see what the future holds for us all, and I feel so blessed and grateful for this journey. ❤️
...
Today, I woke up and watched my Valedictorian speech for the first time in a long time. I had tears in my eyes, chills covering my body, and an overflowing amount of gratitude in my heart. Afterwards, I sat there and out loud, I said "Thank you." to the universe, god, the guardian angels, and whoever all is out there and has been looking out for me and has helped me get to where I am today.
Thank you, to those of you who have been a part of making me into the person I am.
A HUGE thank you to the people who have actively helped me too.
Most of all, thank you to my family, and my boyfriend too. Justin, you're an unsung hero I don't publicly give credit to nearly often enough. ❤️
I'm grateful for all of you though and for everything you've done.
After living through being on death's doorstep more than a handful of times, I'm just unbelievingly grateful for life. It's something I'm never sure I'll ever be able to accurately express. I mean... I was given more than just a second chance at life, I was given...9 lives!
(For those of you who know me well, you'd know that 9 has been my lucky number my entire life, I've always loved cats, I have lots of cats, AND I've always said that if I were an animal I would be a cat of some kind. So my 9 lives are so fitting!😉)
What a life...
What a crazy chapter...
Thank you to everyone who's been a part of it!
On to the next chapter!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
