It’s time for a life and health update.
My year has actually been alright. The world has been a mess, but quite honestly, I’ve coped very well through these wild ups and downs. I’ve had a good year, truly.
I’ve made tons of progress with writing my romance novel, I’m so close to being monotized on YouTube (which means I could start making money), my little spiritual business is growing and I’m sharing so much more about who I am. I’ve had lots of time to enjoy hobbies this year too!
On the flip side...
In early October I tried a new vitamin and I had a pretty bad reaction to it. It set me back physically, but it really set me back mentally and emotionally. It deeply flared my PTSD and I completely shut down for a week or two there.
I rebounded nicely, I thoroughly enjoyed November, and then things came to a screeching halt early December.
I had a phone call appointment with my doctor and the first question he asked was, “What happened? Tell me about the bad reaction you had?” Thankfully my mom was there so she answered for me, but I sat there in complete shock because I have zero memory of what happened.
I remember I had a bad reaction, I was deeply PTSD triggered, I shut down for a while, then I came back to normal life. But I guess I focused so much on moving forward that I never stopped to look back and realize that I don’t actually remember what happened. I didn’t even know I had a blackout until right there in that moment when I finally had to stop and think back.
I knew it hit me deep, but I didn’t think it went this deep. I didn’t think it was this bad.
My mom and fiancé were also shocked that I had no memory of what happened too.
Blackouts
Now, it’s not something I’ve talked about much, but this is something that’s happened to me many times before. Back when I was very sick it was actually common for me to have memory blackouts. Sometimes I would lose a week, other times an entire month would erase. I have many entire months missing from my memory, and it’s not a good feeling.
I haven’t had a memory blackout since winter 2016/2017. I’ve never had it happen while I’m in remission, so I’ve been pretty shaken up about this.
After some research I realize the terms “PTSD blackout” and “dissociative amnesia” fit this quite well. Amnesia itself actually does fit too, but I know my consistent trigger for these things is I have to be DEEPLY mentally “not okay” and also have a physical health flare happening too. It has to be just the perfect storm, and then bam, I have zero recollection of however long I’m in that place for.
Where I'm at right now.
So this was how December started for me. I started the month completely triggered and hypersensitive to everything. Then my dog had to go to the vet, and we had a family emergency, and then I had an awful 10/10 period. More things piled up when I was already in a place where I couldn’t handle anything more. So now, I’m numb. Because this is my defense-mechanism pattern. When things get too intense, I go numb. I now wouldn’t be surprised if end up blocking out this month too.
Physically I’m okay, but mentally I’m not. I’m mostly depersonalized, but when I do feel in my own body I feel depressed, constantly on the verge of panic, and suicidal. I’m having panic attacks in my sleep, I can’t human, and I can barely speak.
But that is my pattern. I KNOW how I get when shit gets hard.
When I end up in this place I want nothing more than to just disappear.
Taking a month off.
When my bad reaction happened I vaguely recall telling my mom, “I need a month off to get my shit back together.” But I didn’t take a month off, I only took a few weeks and then fully jumped back in to all the things.
I didn’t give myself the time I needed.
I bottled, and pushing on just ended up digging me a deeper hole. And I know better than to do this crap!! But yet, I’m here anyway.
Initially I felt like I needed a month, so sitting in this hole, feeling completely stuck in tar, emotionally hurting so much that my chest and head physically hurt, I’m realizing, I should give myself what I instinctually felt like I needed when this first hit. I should give myself a month to "disappear."
Groundhog Day
I asked my body what I need, and it’s really not that complex. I need to get back into my healing routine that I know works for me. I need simple daily things. I call this "Groundhog Day."
— Daily —
-food, vitamins, hydration
-rest
-no stress
-sunshine, outside time or window time
-animal time
-art, creativity or photography
-playing or listening to music
-journaling
-writing, reading, or editing
-yoga or light exercise
-meditation
-healing energy
My healing & meditation retreat.
This week I actually had to turn off my phone for the first time in years, and that’s another sign to me that I know what I need to do. So I’ll be going off the grid, disappearing for a month, just to solely focus on me, my healing, what I need, what feels good.
I’m thinking I’ll view this time as if I’m going away to a healing retreat for a month, because otherwise I’m not sure I’ll stick with it. Likely, I’d feel guilty or sad for having to step away for so long and I’d just jump back in. But if I view this as a healing retreat, maybe that will change some of my inner narrative about this, and maybe that will help me stick to the things I know I need to do.
Truly, it’s been years since I’ve so seriously stepped away from everything and ONLY focused on me. But I guess it’s time.
No cutting corners. No rushing the process. Just unapologetically giving myself what I need.
World, I’ll see you in 2021.
I'll be at home, in my own little world, in my own happy bubble, in my healing space.
