Yesterday was a totally average day for me - laundry, cooking, yoga, playing with my fur babies, etc. - I was in an average mood, just doing my normal daily things. It wasn't until almost bedtime that I realized that it was the 6 year anniversary of when my chronic illness officially began. -- August 24, 2012 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day.
In realizing what day it was, I also realized that yesterday marked 5 months since my dear friend, Alex passed away from the same chronic illnesses I too have. -- She passed away on March 24, 2018 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day too.
Some may have noticed, or maybe not, that I haven't been blogging as much this year. I've been journaling more than I ever have before, so it's not like I've run out of thoughts or things to say. But I've been struggling to write publicly for a while now.
A huge part of that is due to me losing a friend to the same illnesses I have, but also, it's due to the fact that every year of being sick is just so different for me - emotionally, mentally, physically, even spiritually. No year has been the same. Honestly, the only real consistent thing about the past 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been.
It's been a pretty crazy year though, and even just this week has been crazy! There's been lots of emotions, a huge emotional breakdown, and I randomly got 7 splinters on my knuckle from God knows what?! Like what does that even mean?! 7 splinters?! Does it mean after the 7th year this will be over? Was this some crazy 7 years of bad luck thing??
Since it's been so long since I've written about my life I'll have to break it down and resist from writing about everything all at once. In my next post (whenever that may take place, hopefully soon) I'll talk more about the 6 year anniversary and how it's effected me this year, but today I really feel most compelled to talk about Alex and her impact on my life.
Losing Alex really tore me up to say the least, and 5 months later, I still have waves of grief and sometimes even survivors guilt.
Yes, we only knew each other for a little less than a year and only ever met in person once just in a brief passing, but she was one of the truest, kindest, most genuine and caring people I have ever met. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.
But even more special than that, she understood me. She understood my illnesses, she felt what I had felt, and even if we couldn't perfectly put it into words, we silently knew that we knew exactly what the other felt and what we were going through. When we met a year ago, for the first time in 5 years I had a person who completely understood my illnesses.
Sure, I know many people with Lyme now, but she was the first girl I'd met who was close to my own age and had Lyme, the same co-infection as me, AND she had MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome.) I didn't know any other people who had MCAS! I went from feeling so alone in my suffering to suddenly just having this amazing, super optimistic friend who had been living an extremely identical life to me!
I was told for years by the medical community too that I was just some medical mystery and they'd imply that I was crazy or making things up, and so to meet a girl who'd gone through that too and for us both to have lived and felt the same things, it was extremely validating for us both! I wasn't alone. We weren't alone.
As I've now shared with Alex's family since her passing, once I got sick I never prayed anymore, especially not for myself. The only thing I always prayed for was to just have one person, one friend who just understood everything I was going through. I can't even tell you how many sleepless nights I would cry and just beg the universe to send me someone. Just one person, that's all I needed, and I was so desperate to have that. Just one person...
When I met Alex that prayer was finally answered.
No, we didn't know each other for long, but she was the answer to my prayers and a huge hole that had been a part of me for 5 years was finally filled. She brought me so much peace, and happiness, and light, and love, and just bounds of inspiration because my god that girl just glowed with such a palpable radiance of love and hope and faith and all things good. I mean, if I ever could imagine what an angel would be like if they lived here on earth, that was it, she was it, that was Alex!
Losing her is beyond tragic, for everyone, but how lucky am I to have had such a pure hearted person in my life, even if it was just for a flash. I had a beautiful friend, and someone who truly understood my biggest struggles in life, and what a miracle and blessing is that? That's priceless.
She may be physically gone, but she is still so present. There has not been a day that I haven't felt her with me, and that girl is just a master at sending signs from heaven too. I've spoken to her family too and ALL of us get lots of signs from Alex, and most commonly in the from of happy little birdies.
All of the amazing things she radiated when she was here on earth have only just amplified now that she truly is a full on guardian angel. She truly radiates just this incredibly palpable level of love, light, hope, positivity, and faith that I honestly could ever imagine, and when I met her I was a person who hadn't had faith for years, and had long ago lost my hope. The only people I've seen who's every radiates that much love and light was when I spent a week with the monks last summer. It was such a palpable energy. I could feel God shining through them, and I can feel God shining through Alex.
It is downright the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever been a part of or witnessed or felt. I feel honored to be a part of it. It's just been so life changing and so inspiring.
As I said earlier, I do struggle with survivors guilt sometimes, but Alex always goes out of her way to remind me that "everything happens for a reason." That is a phrase that I always would say when I first got sick, and I still believe it to be true.
Last night I listened to music and "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (click to listen) came on and it just felt like Alex speaking to me. She was reminding me that everything happens for a reason.
Much like the song, she inspired me to reconsider my faith, give heaven more than just a passing glance, and to just let in the love and light, and let it shine out of me.
I don't know why she had to leave so soon, or why exactly I'm the one who's still here, and maybe I never will fully know "why." All I know is that I trust that there is a higher purpose, I have hope that maybe someday I'll understand, and until then, I have faith that I will be guided and helped along my journey by kind people in this world, kind souls who are beyond, and whoever or whatever is the higher power that guides us all through this crazy journey of life and beyond.
Thank you, Alex... for everything.
I promise to give heaven more than just a passing glance, I'll always give faith a fighting chance, when I'm by the ocean and feeling small and humble I'll smile and think of you, I won't fear the mountains in the distance, I'll never regret loving, I won't let bitterness win, I'll never take a single breath for granted, and I promise if I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I'll dance, and I'll smile because I know you'll be dancing right there with me too.
I miss you.
I love you.
But I know we're always together in the heart.
"Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."
All my love,
Savannah💖
