My Month-Long Healing & Meditation Retreat

 It’s time for a life and health update. 

My year has actually been alright. The world has been a mess, but quite honestly, I’ve coped very well through these wild ups and downs. I’ve had a good year, truly. 

I’ve made tons of progress with writing my romance novel, I’m so close to being monotized on YouTube (which means I could start making money), my little spiritual business is growing and I’m sharing so much more about who I am. I’ve had lots of time to enjoy hobbies this year too! 

On the flip side...

In early October I tried a new vitamin and I had a pretty bad reaction to it. It set me back physically, but it really set me back mentally and emotionally. It deeply flared my PTSD and I completely shut down for a week or two there.

I rebounded nicely, I thoroughly enjoyed November, and then things came to a screeching halt early December. 

I had a phone call appointment with my doctor and the first question he asked was, “What happened? Tell me about the bad reaction you had?” Thankfully my mom was there so she answered for me, but I sat there in complete shock because I have zero memory of what happened. 

I remember I had a bad reaction, I was deeply PTSD triggered, I shut down for a while, then I came back to normal life. But I guess I focused so much on moving forward that I never stopped to look back and realize that I don’t actually remember what happened. I didn’t even know I had a blackout until right there in that moment when I finally had to stop and think back. 

I knew it hit me deep, but I didn’t think it went this deep. I didn’t think it was this bad. 

My mom and fiancé were also shocked that I had no memory of what happened too. 

Blackouts

Now, it’s not something I’ve talked about much, but this is something that’s happened to me many times before. Back when I was very sick it was actually common for me to have memory blackouts. Sometimes I would lose a week, other times an entire month would erase. I have many entire months missing from my memory, and it’s not a good feeling. 

I haven’t had a memory blackout since winter 2016/2017. I’ve never had it happen while I’m in remission, so I’ve been pretty shaken up about this. 

After some research I realize the terms “PTSD blackout” and “dissociative amnesia” fit this quite well. Amnesia itself actually does fit too, but I know my consistent trigger for these things is I have to be DEEPLY mentally “not okay” and also have a physical health flare happening too. It has to be just the perfect storm, and then bam, I have zero recollection of however long I’m in that place for. 

Where I'm at right now.

So this was how December started for me. I started the month completely triggered and hypersensitive to everything. Then my dog had to go to the vet, and we had a family emergency, and then I had an awful 10/10 period. More things piled up when I was already in a place where I couldn’t handle anything more. So now, I’m numb. Because this is my defense-mechanism pattern. When things get too intense, I go numb. I now wouldn’t be surprised if end up blocking out this month too. 

Physically I’m okay, but mentally I’m not. I’m mostly depersonalized, but when I do feel in my own body I feel depressed, constantly on the verge of panic, and suicidal. I’m having panic attacks in my sleep, I can’t human, and I can barely speak. 

But that is my pattern. I KNOW how I get when shit gets hard. 

When I end up in this place I want nothing more than to just disappear. 

Taking a month off.

When my bad reaction happened I vaguely recall telling my mom, “I need a month off to get my shit back together.” But I didn’t take a month off, I only took a few weeks and then fully jumped back in to all the things. 

I didn’t give myself the time I needed. 

I bottled, and pushing on just ended up digging me a deeper hole. And I know better than to do this crap!! But yet, I’m here anyway. 

Initially I felt like I needed a month, so sitting in this hole, feeling completely stuck in tar, emotionally hurting so much that my chest and head physically hurt, I’m realizing, I should give myself what I instinctually felt like I needed when this first hit. I should give myself a month to "disappear."

Groundhog Day

I asked my body what I need, and it’s really not that complex. I need to get back into my healing routine that I know works for me. I need simple daily things. I call this "Groundhog Day."

— Daily —

-food, vitamins, hydration 

-rest 

-no stress

-sunshine, outside time or window time

-animal time 

-art, creativity or photography 

-playing or listening to music

-journaling 

-writing, reading, or editing 

-yoga or light exercise 

-meditation 

-healing energy 

My healing & meditation retreat. 

This week I actually had to turn off my phone for the first time in years, and that’s another sign to me that I know what I need to do. So I’ll be going off the grid, disappearing for a month, just to solely focus on me, my healing, what I need, what feels good. 

I’m thinking I’ll view this time as if I’m going away to a healing retreat for a month, because otherwise I’m not sure I’ll stick with it. Likely, I’d feel guilty or sad for having to step away for so long and I’d just jump back in. But if I view this as a healing retreat, maybe that will change some of my inner narrative about this, and maybe that will help me stick to the things I know I need to do. 

Truly, it’s been years since I’ve so seriously stepped away from everything and ONLY focused on me. But I guess it’s time. 

No cutting corners. No rushing the process. Just unapologetically giving myself what I need. 

World, I’ll see you in 2021. 

I'll be at home, in my own little world, in my own happy bubble, in my healing space.

Be A Light

 Earlier this year I wrote a tribute to my friend Alex who passed away 2 years ago at age 22. 

"I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light."

I read that earlier this week and got teary. 

"If there wasn't light in a situation, she would become the light."

Be A Light

A friend sent me this song this week, and I thought this was a message worth sharing.

"Don't hide in the dark,

you were born to shine.

In a world full of hate,

be a light."

I haven't commented on most of the ups and downs that have happened during this crazy year of 2020, although I do respect those who do speak on things.

In my life though, I've found my energy is best spent focusing on things that uplift me, and things I can do to uplift the world around me. Simply put, I want to be a light, and I know how I shine my light best.

I appreciate seeing others making such efforts be a light too, even if we go about doing so in different ways.

I don't care if we're different.

I just care that we treat each other and the world with kindness. I believe in compassion, peace and love, and I do believe that people who are widely different than me believe in and live by those things too.

The world would benefit from judging less about our differences, and focusing more on our similarities. Maybe then we could build more bridges and rebuild.

I dream of a future of our world coming together. A world where differences are actually just celebrated, and not seen as an issue.

"Yes, we are different. But we still love and respect each other."

"You don't have to change who you are for me to love you."

"I would love to learn from your different perspective."

"I would be honored to walk a mile in your shoes."

What a world that would be, huh?

I hope you are being a light in your own unique and incredible way.

I'll be over here being a light in my own unique way too.

I know Alex is still being a light in her special way too. 😇

I'M ENGAGED! I proposed on 2/22/2020

Realizing I Wanted To Propose To My Boyfriend 

In October (2019) I realized that 2020 was a leap year, and somehow, that was my sign, that’s how I knew I was going to propose to my boyfriend.

4 years ago, with the last leap year, I learned about an old Irish tradition of women proposing on leap day on leap year, and I thought it was so cute. (There’s a movie called Leap Year too. It’s super cute. I defs recommend it.) 

4 years ago though, with the last leap year, Justin and I had only been together for 6 months or less, so naturally I just fantasied about the future instead. I wondered if we’d still be together, and if I’d still like this leap year proposal idea. “What if I propose on the next leap year in 2020?”

I feel like I had been waiting for a sign to take the leap, and leap year was that sign for me. 

I knew right away I’d propose in February, but I wasn’t sure if I would do it on leap day exactly, or maybe Valentine’s Day. Eventually I just opted to choose the weekend between those two and go for February 22nd. 22 is a meaningful number to me too, plus I’m 22, and he’s 22, and on 2/22/2020. All the twos! 

The Planning & Prepping

I had been planning this since October and I wildly underestimated how hard it would be to get through all of the holidays between October and February and NOT propose. There was Halloween, Thanksgiving, December and all of its Christmasy cuteness, there was New Year’s Eve, my birthday in January, and then Valentine’s Day too. There was so many days where I almost proposed, or almost slipped up and mentioned something about it!

I highly recommend NOT planning a proposal 6 months away because OMG it’s so hard to keep it a secret for that long!! 

But I’m stubborn and I had a plan and wanted to stick to it. 

So...

In November I got him a ring that I know he’d love. 

In December I crafted a solid plan that I knew I would stick to. 

In early January I told just our immediate families. 

In late January I told him to save Feb 22nd as a belated Valentine’s date night and that we should dress up, go out, stop by the beach, and go to dinner. He was totally down and didn’t seem to suspect a thing. 

The Proposal 

On 2/22/2020, I asked my best friend to marry me and (spoiler alert) he said yes!

I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn the proposal into a video, but I decided to go for it, and I decided to share it too. I made the video for us mostly, secondly for friends and family, and then just for anyone who likes happy, feel-good content. I love these kinds of videos and always have, so I figured, why not share it and spread some happy content.

I'm so happy I turned it into a video too because that day and really this whole first week has been a whirlwind. Having the video to look back on and rewatch really helps this milestone sink in more.

You can watch the proposal here:

Then.... We Were On TV!

Amidst the countless congratulatory messages we were receiving from family, a few days after sharing our proposal video, a TV producer DMd me on Instagram. She said she loved the video and asked if she could share it online and also put it on TV. I said yes. Why not share the happiness even farther? Right?

Our proposal was on TV on 2/27, I had recorded it in the morning and later that evening we just so happened to be having a birthday dinner for my grandpa, so we all got to watch the tv clip together. Pretty crazy. So surreal. I still can't really wrap my head around this week.

The show is called Right This Minute, it's a viral video sharing show. They try to share videos before they go viral.

You can watch the TV clip here. It's exactly what was on TV.

Follow Your Heart

After watching the video and after reading this, you'll obviously see that I've wanted to ask him the big question for a long time. 

I’m such a firm believer of following your happiness, following your heart, and not letting anyone or anything, not even yourself, get in the way of that. I’ve been so true to that in most of my life too, but this was a big thing I had just continued to let myself overthink. I worried about social-norms, and breaking the mold too much. Although I know this was the perfect time for this milestone, I do wish I hadn't let those fears hang over me for so long. 

I’m ready to step into this new decade just fully following through with wholeheartedly, unapologetically letting my heart lead the way. 

There was no better way for me to start this new chapter than doing exactly this. 


The Big LEAP

Today is leap day and as I'm reflecting back, I could not be more proud of myself and how far I've come since the last leap day 4 years ago. Although I had fears, I had faith, and that was stronger. I took the big leap, and look at everything that's come of that. 

I gotta say too, I'm damn proud of how far my FIANCE (omg so cool to say that) and I have come in these 4 years too. So proud. Man we've faced so much together, but we've come out the other side closer and with a stronger, deeper, richer love than ever. I am so blessed to have a life partner who loves all of me - highs, loves, untraditional, and all of my unique-ness. 

Ps. I’ve never understood why only men propose in straight relationships. That’s never resonated with me, and obviously I’ve always loved the idea of me being the one to propose.

I’ve always believed that if a woman wants to propose, then she should, because relationships are 50/50 and it’s just as much our say as it is theirs. Equality. Period. 

Regardless of gender, if your heart is set on someone, if you’re ready to take that leap and think they will leap with you, then you should simply listen to and follow your heart. 

You don’t need a leap year to take the leap, but it’s okay if it takes a leap year to remind you of that. 😆😉

22 - A Tribute To Alex

On the 16th I turned 22, which is the age that my friend Alex passed away at. She died of all the same illnesses I had, and two years ago when she passed away I was just newly in remission. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and even thriving now. 

To be turning the age she was when she passed away is so incredibly bittersweet for me. She has been constantly, heavily on my mind lately. But I can feel that this year of being 22 is going to bring me so many blessings. I just know it, and I know Alex will be working her magic. 

Alex’s number was 22, it was her lucky number, it was always her sports number, and she ended up even passing away at 22.

Just about every day that she’s been gone she sends me a strategically timed 22 somewhere as a little hello from heaven, as a pat on the back, as encouragement, as guidance, as a reminder... 

Example: Right after midnight this New Year’s Eve I noticed we had been dancing right next to table number 22, and I knew that was her way of saying she was with us and she was happy for my happiness. 

I’m blessed that she is always with me, every day, and since we’re walking through life hand in hand between worlds, 22 has become my number too, my other number, our number. 

I’m intentionally carrying forward Alex’s 22s and everything that her beautiful soul embodies. To be turning 22, her number, is emotional, and special, and so meaningful. I feel her with me more than ever.

She’s been encouraging me so much to celebrate life and all of my blessings and milestones, and I am, and I will continue to remind myself to do so! But I also can’t help that there is a big part of my heart that in some way wants to dedicate this year of being 22 to her. That may sound odd to some too, but I know what I’m feeling inside. If nothing else, I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light. 

So as I’m stepping into being 22, that’s what I want to embody, and that’s how I want to honor Alex. 

Thank you, to my dear sweet angel friend, Alex. 

I coincidentally finished writing this at 2:22.

More About Alex

If anyone reading this would like to learn more about Alex's story or if you'd like to donate to the Alex Hudson Lyme Foundation you can visit their website here: https://www.alexhudsonlymefoundation.org

I also shared some of Alex's story in this video. 

Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express.