Honestly, I’ve cried almost every day this week. Life has felt so chaotic and emotional lately, but peeling away the layers feels...liberating. Bare, but liberating.
My creativity is flowing, and much like how I’ve been handling my emotions lately, I’m not trying to contain it or force it to be anything. Scattered emotions? Cool! Let’s flow with it. ADHD creative brain? Rad! Let’s write it all out so I can utilize all of these bomb ideas over time. I’m just trying to let myself be. I’m trying to hold space for myself as lovingly as I hold space for others.
Amidst the chaos, I started to feel lost. There was a day this week that suddenly it felt like the floor disappeared beneath me. I felt completely out of my body and like I was floating. I started to question everything, and was obsessively looking backwards, unable to peel my eyes away from my past. It was like tunnel vision. All I could see was the bad, the lack, and I started to spiral internally. So, I sat on the floor, and I gave myself the time and space I needed to process. I cried, and I wrote. Although I was in a place of pain, the words that came out of me were beautiful, and I may even turn it into a children's book someday.
Then, a few really cool synchronic things popped into my world this week, and combined, it was the pep talk I was needing.
✨I talked to an author and he gave priceless advice and encouraged me to keep pursuing my writing. The conversation was validating as hell. I’m not lost, I am on the right track. I was just walking blindly for a hot minute there. Props to me for continuing to move forward even though I was unsure too.
✨This week, one of my best friends said, “This is how far we’ve come while constantly beating ourselves up. Imagine how much more we could do if we didn’t beat ourselves up?”
Wow. Profound right?
✨Last night, my wonderful (soon to be) hubby said, “You’ve spent your life doing what you want and not conforming or settling. Why start now?”
Yeah, I needed that one too. (💕ILYSM. This is why I’m marrying you. You get me.)
✨This week, I also watched two documentaries and omg so good.😠Strip Down/Rise Up (a pole dancing docu on Netflix) and Pink’s new tour documentary, All I Know So Far, on Prime were both SO good. I highly suggest it all. It totally resonated.
💖It all comes back around to one of my “words of the year” - authenticity. 💖
If you’ve read this far, hi. Sending you love and a hug. I know shits hard sometimes, but keep going and keep being you. 💕
Feel your pain or use it, but don’t run from it. Trust me, emotions aren’t something we can outrun. So, sit down, feel it, love yourself through it all, and maybe eventually you can use that pain as a power rather than a weakness. Shadowwork, my dudes. How can you turn your weaknesses, your wounds, your pain, your fears into a power? How has it made you stronger? (And it has made you stronger, so keep thinking on that until you find the answer)
Lately, I’ve been appreciating that all of my trauma has made me a beautiful writer. As Ernest Hemming way said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” Writing was my lifeline, and still is. I wrote through everything, and not only did that lighten my load, it also turned my pain into a power.
I finished writing my first novel, Finding Serenity, recently and it’s a story that I wrote my fucking heart into. The parts of the story that make you cry, I cried while writing it. The parts that make you laugh, I laughed while writing it.
Immediately after finishing that book, I started working on what will be my next few books, and guess what? My heart is written into those stories too! The pain, the humor, the emotions, the overthinking, the love — It’s all coming from the heart. Even if I fictionalize things, it’s still rooted in very real places. *Hello, authenticity*
Apparently, all the shit I’ve been through in life makes me a great storyteller. So, as much as I’d like to have bypassed those long years of trauma, it made me who I am. I found my voice at rock bottom, and now, no matter where I go I feel that depth in everything. Everything. I'm rooted at rock bottom, so that's what you hear in my voice, that's what you feel from me. You feel how rock bottom forever changed me. The darkness is a part of me, just as much as the light. I work hard to honor all of it and love myself through all of my colors, and I write through all of it too.
Every word I write, I feel deeply.
...And that damn sure is a power.
My darkness is not a weakness.
My cracks let the light in.
Some bomb songs I've been vibing with this week.
"Let the walls crack Cause it lets the light in Let ‘em drag you through hell They can’t tell you to change who you are And when the storms out You run in the rain Put your sword down Dive right into the pain Stay unfiltered and loud You be proud of that skin full of scars
That's All I Know So Far"
-pink
All I Know So Far - Pink
(Bro, I ugly cried. This hit so deep.)
Don't Talk Me Down - Jojo
(use headphones, close your eyes, vibe, omg chills guaranteed. This whole album is incredible. Jojo has one of the best voices/artistry of this time.)
