I'm not shy. I have trauma.

I wrote this recently and broke it into parts for Instagram post captions. You can check out my IG Halloween posts to see what costumes I put these with.  

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/_heyo_its_mayo_/

🦋Part 1 ~ I’m not shy. I have trauma. 

I’m not shy when I’m alone, I’m not shy when I’m with pets/animals/wildlife, I’m not shy when I’m in nature, I’m not shy when I’m having fun...

I’m just shy around people, and this is only because I have trauma. What I have isn’t even shyness, it’s fear. It’s fear of abandonment. 

I’ve always not only been uncomfortable being seen, I’ve always *feared* being seen. 

When I was a kid I wanted shrinking, invisibility, and flight to be my superpowers. - Shrinking and invisibility to make myself disappear, flight to be able to leave quickly. 

I’ve always hid. I also have spent my life dimming myself, out of fear of being “too much.” 

I push myself to share, and I push myself to stop hiding, stop shrinking, stop dimming, stop disappearing, stop being flighty. I push myself to be seen, even though it scares me. 

👯‍♀️Part 2 ~ I’m not camera shy, although I used to be. 

I got past that by only having a small handful of close friends on Snapchat and letting myself be my full, unfiltered, silly self there. Once I got past my camera shyness, I got a YouTube channel. 

I have no fear being on camera (being on video, or being photographed) because it’s something I worked through over the course of a few years. 

But some things (blogs, videos, pictures, captions) give me anxiety when I think about sharing it, when I think about people seeing it...seeing me. 

The act of creating it I feel fine, it’s just when I acknowledge that I’ll be seen by others that I sometimes hesitate. 

I can’t tell you how many things I haven’t posted over the years because of that moment when I hesitate and overthink. 

💃🏻Part 3 ~ The people closest to me, the ones who know how much of a silly, sassy goofball I am, they know I’m not really shy. 

I’m more of an introverted extrovert. I love alone time, I actually need alone time to recharge, but I have times when I love being around others, having fun, laughing until we cry, etc. 

The people closest to me know that when I’m not overthinking I’m not shy at all. 

🦄Part 4 ~ Since my teens I’ve been gradually pushing myself more and more to stop hiding and just be myself. 

Interestingly, when I was a kid, when people would ask me what I want to be when I grow up I used to say “I just want to be me.” I didn’t realize how deep and true that was until I was in therapy in my teens. 

I just want to be me. 

I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want my confidence to be true and embodied. I want to genuinely love my body. I want to unapologetically shine my brightest. I want to do and pursue whatever I desire without trauma making me hesitate. I want to feel safe. I want to learn to trust again. 

🐍Part 5 ~ Trust was my word of the year for 2020. It came to me randomly in late December. 

Themes of 2020 for me was... — Trust in self. Trust in body. Trust in soul. Trust in intuition. Trust in spirit. Trust in earth. Trust in others. Others trusting me. 

Evolve, Transformation, and Authenticity are my words of the year for 2021. Again, those came to me on their own. 

Themes of this year for me has been... — Not fearing change. Allowing myself to evolve and transform. Allowing myself to flow freely. Embracing my authenticity. 

Paradoxically, I’m both evolving forwards and backwards at the same time. Some things emerging are brand new, but many things that are coming in are merely resurfacing. There’s so many old pieces of myself returning that I either hid away or I thought it died off years ago. I feel like I’m getting to get to know myself all over again. I’m remembering my authenticity. 

I’m not shy... 

And the trauma and all the bullshit that has boxed me in and manifestiated as shyness and hesitation and fear and distrust... it can fuck right off. 🖕🏻

🦒Part 6 ~ Moving forward, if you’re surprised to see more of who I am, just remember that the ONLY reason I’ve EVER boxed myself in is because of the trauma, and that trauma has eaten away at me my entire life. I’ve eroded internally and I’m not fucking doing this anymore. 

If you’re surprised to see more of who I am, just know that who you see is no longer caged and feels imprisoned in her body or in her mind, she’s free, and she’s really really happy. 

I’m really happy.  

🧙🏻‍♀️Part 7 ~ To the season of death

To the season of rebirth

To leaving behind what is no longer needed

To carrying forward all that still serves us

To bringing life back to the things that were not meant to die

To life and this crazy, wild, wonderful, infinite circle♻️

To the darkness, the light, and everything in between

I give it all love

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💗🖤☯️

Happy witchy new year 🧙🏻‍♀️

Happy Halloween 🎃

Happy fall 🍂