The Phoenix - A reluctant hero and her bittersweet tears.

If you missed it, I started this year off by writing a letter to my "ex-best friend" and all the "friends who left when I became chronically ill" and I shared that letter publicly before I could overthink it and chicken out. 

To The Friends Who Left When I Became Chronically Ill was published on The Mighty (basically) in record time, and in a week had 10k likes on The Mighty alone, not counting all of the other social media sites it was shared to and the hundreds of comments that flew into all of those shares as well. 

Since January they've re-ran that piece a handful of times and it still generally has the same response too -- lots of likes, lots of comments, and lots of shares (which just continues the cycle farther.)

It's the most vulnerable thing I've ever publicly written, and it terrified me to share it. But even without all of the praise, I was already glad to have done it. Granted, the thought of it being out there made me feel like throwing up most times, and even still kind of does. But all-in-all, I am really proud of it and I'm proud of myself for taking my deepest wound, giving it love, and giving it wings. 

Which brings me to where I am now, having recently written something that tore my heart out, and part of me wants to share it, but the rest of me just wants to vomit at the thought of such things. 

Quite frankly, sharing raw, unedited excerpts from my notes (which is many times how I journal and vent emotions) terrifies me even more than sharing the letter. But someday I plan to share a whole lot of my notes and journals in the book about my life, so, this is something I need to learn to no longer fear. Plus, I know how amazingly well it went earlier this year when I shared my heart with the world, so that eases at least some of my anxieties about being seen. 

Please note: I don't do "New Years resolutions" but I do generally like to set some goals for myself for the year, and this year one of my goals was to face my fears, face the places that scare me, push beyond that, and push myself to new heights. 

So, here we are...

...And here we go.

If you saw my last post (7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck), then you know that I just recently surpassed the 7 year anniversary of when I got sick. Since then I've unplugged and taken some time off to honor all of the emotions that go along with that. Naturally though, being who I am, I did a lot of writing during those ups an downs.

Seeing a quote led to me reflecting on my life and writing this piece. 

photo edited by me; art - unknown; quote - Joshua Graham

August 27, 2019, 12:21pm

I realize I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, but still my tears are bittersweet, because I know what these ashes I’m rising from once were. 

You don’t forget what you come from when what you come from is the still flickering embers of a life you once loved but was burnt down by fate, all just to make room for what you are now. 

In the ashes I see my past self, the one who had to die for me to survive. I know well that every speck of who I am now came to being from immense pain and pressure, like a pearl, or a diamond, trapped in close confines until outside factors decided to bring it to light.

I know what the ashes beneath were, I know what I came from, what it took, what it cost me to get to where I am now. 

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” -Joshua Graham-

I survived because I was willing to lose everything, because I surrendered to whatever my destiny would be. 

I was determined to rise no matter what knocked me down, or what ashes had burnt down beneath me. 

"I am a reluctant hero who continues to cry bittersweet tears." 

That's something else I wrote later in that note. 

Essentially, the essence of this is how I've been feeling. Yes, I have come incredibly far, but it cost me, and nothing in the entire world looks the same because of it all. 

Since writing that I've felt torn on whether to share it to not, fearing being seen, fearing being misunderstood, etc etc etc. Then today, my my mom sent me a beautifully relevant quote mirroring a similar sentiment, brining me back to my thoughts of the phoenix, and in my gut I knew that meant it was time for me to share. 

Whatever burns away is only the outer layers, and what endures, what is left, the core that remains after tragedy, that is where truth lies. You find out who you really are when everything else falls away.

I did lose myself, but my true essence was never truly lost, because it can't be lost. A soul is infinite. That fact is true, beautiful, powerful, and yet still bittersweet, and that's okay. 

To everything there are always BOTH highs and lows, pros and cons, light and dark, yin and yang. Every coin has two sides, and both sides are true. This is life, a paradox.

So, tonight as I cry even more "bittersweet tears", I feel it's just another reminder for how important it is for me to remain authentic and honest in the things that I do, and especially in the things that I write and share. 

I want to honor both sides of the coin. ☯️

7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck

As July came to a close and August began, I noticed a cloud looming closer and closer. Every August I seem to unintentionally count down the days until the anniversary of when I got sick, August 24, 2012. Every year I ponder the idea of, “I wonder if there will be a time in my life when I don’t think of the anniversary at all? Will August ever just be August again?” I think anyone who has faced tragedy in their life can relate to that same thought too. 

For better or for worse, when you experience a life altering event in life not only does it get permanently engrained into that specific day, but it somehow marks that entire month.

The anniversary of my chronic illnesses is like my own personal Memorial Day. 

I take it as my designated time to mourn the past, and honor all of my lost battles. I guess I did “win the war” but it was long and hard. It was tragic. I faced heartbreak, there literally was blood, sweat, tears, and so so many lost battles. I even did lose a friend who was fighting this fight along side me too. 

I take this time to mourn and honor the loss of my old self, my old life, my dear friend, and all other lives lost in the same ways as us. 

Every year I seem to relive the facts of my life before and after August 24th, going from waterpolo, straight As and AP classes, to bed bound, friendless, and in head-to-toe pain that was worsening by the day. I was 14. Without fail, that always deeply hurts to relive.

The years ticked by with countless trials and tribulations, I saw many highs, and a life’s worth of soul crushing lows. I said goodbye to this world more than a handful of times, and yet here I still am 7 years later, beating the odds, gratefully living in my miracle second chance at life. 

Over the years I have had people ask me if it gets easier, if the anniversary stops hurting, and I have to be honest and tell them that even after all this time it does still hurt. Every year the anniversary hits me at a different time, in a different way, and I never have accurately anticipated exactly how it’ll make me feel. But it does always hurt, and without fail, at some point every August, I do bawl my eyes out. 

What’s most different about this year is how I’m so much more honed in on focusing on my immense gratitude for life, all the things I can do, and giving as little attention as possible to the ways I still feel “less than.” 

I’ve worked incredibly hard over the years at my mental health and mindset, but this year especially, more than ever I’ve decided to take those things to a new level. 

This year I decided to start talking about my chronic illnesses less, and when I do speak of them I make sure it’s in the past tense. In turn, I’ve also dedicated to using more healthy, positive vocabulary when talking about myself in the present moment. I decided it was time to take a break from focusing so much on the past parts of my story, and focus as much as possible on gratitude for the present, and the optimism of the future.

So in that spirit, I’ll tell you where I’m at right now: I’ve been in remission for 2 and a half years, and I’m 90% better. I have 2 small Etsy businesses. I’ve traveled, I’ve gone out, I’ve pushed myself to make new friends and rebuild a new social life that fits this new person I am. My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I moved in together into the guest house at my parents place, and we have 4 fur-babies. I follow my happiness, and I give my energy only to things that make me feel good. I’m happy. I’m enjoying life. I have this immense gratitude for life that I’ll never be able to fully describe into words. I’m also very proud of myself, and especially for how I continue to more and more deeply dedicate my life to positivity. Mindset is a choice, and I’m very happy with the mindset I choose every day. 

Where I’m at in life right now is a place I never thought I would live to see again, and I can’t begin to explain how good that feels. To hit rock bottom, to face and accept death, and then to come back to this…? It truly is a miracle. 

As for the future, I realize I’ve already accomplished so much of what I always dreamed about, and I’ve managed to take up just about every hobby I ever dreamed of, just wishing, “I wish I could do that.” If I want something, I make it happen, I make the time, I do the work, and I damn sure celebrate that whole process. 

The things that once felt impossible are within reach, or I can at least see the clear pathway leading towards it. That feeling is amazing, and I try not to walk forwards in life afraid of the possibility of “loss” or “failure” because I already know how I always can find my way back from anything, and I always come back stronger and wiser too. 

The past can haunt you, it can control you, and it can continue to cause you pain for the rest of your life, but only if you let it. Sure, I may relive and re-grieve the anniversary every year, but there’s no way in hell I will let myself get stuck in the past. I respect the past, I respect the pain and all of those emotions and every single one of my scars, physical and emotional. I’m even grateful for it all because of how it’s just continued to make me stronger. But I damn sure refuse to let any of the past hold me back, and I will not let it continue forward into my future. 

Off and on since I got sick in 2012 I wondered if this was some kind of “7 years of bad luck” detour of life, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what it was, it just matters what I make of it, and who I choose to let it make me. 

Life fucking happens to all of us, and pain is inevitable. Facing struggle is a part of human existence. But to be who you are, do what you do, say what you say, and think what you think is a choice. To live is a choice. What you choose to make of life and the shit it throws at you is completely up to you. Those facts will either terrify you, or empower you, and I hope it’s the latter. 

That is what these 7 years has taught me, and that is what I’ve chosen to reflect most on this August. 

As I continue to change my vocabulary, as I refer to my struggles as being in the past, as I release the pain, as I accept my healing, as I step more and more wholly into the new me, I am both telling and showing the universe what I want to manifest more of. *The Law of Attraction - like energy attracts like energy.*

Health. Happiness. Love. 

That is what I choose. 

This is my official goodbye to my “7 years of bad luck.” 

You may think I’d be ecstatic to slap this book shut, throw it out, burn it, and never look back. But it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, and it’s scary to leave behind what you know and tread forwards into uncharted waters. When you get stuck in life, even if you’re thrown into a too small box that you first despise, you can grow to a certain kind of peace and comfort in that place. I grew quite fond of “limbo”, facing death freed me, and taught me immeasurable lessons. 

I would never choose this life path for myself or anyone else, but I also wouldn’t trade my journey for anything. I trust what was destined to be mine. 

I close this chapter with immense gratitude. I stride forward with pride, knowing my true strength, carrying forth every bit of wisdom I can, and when necessary I will look back and I will honor my past with every shred of respect that it deserves. 

Thank you, universe, for knowing what I needed in order to become who I was meant to be. I will cherish this second chance with every fiber of my being. 

Valentine's Day And Dating Are 10x Hard For The Chronically Ill

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and especially the difficulties of dating while being chronically ill. In my experience, being chronically ill makes dating, or really any kind of relationship, 10 times harder.  

It’s hard to plan dates when I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. It’s hard to go on dates when I’m tired or hurting or struggling with anxiety. It’s hard to get and give gifts when I’m home bound and exhausted to the bone. It’s hard to fully be there for another person while I’m focusing on trying to save my own life and just survive through the day.  

Attempting to date while being chronically ill was a nightmare for me. Since I was home bound, online dating was my only option for a long time, and it did not work out for me at all. Usually, once I told a person I was sick they would give a quick, “That’s crazy. I’m so sorry.” Then shortly after that they would “ghost” and stop replying.  

If I had a dollar for every time someone has done that to me I would be one rich "sick-chick."  

Eventually, every once in a blue moon, I started going out with friends and one time I unknowingly was set up on a blind-date! Thankfully, that went very well. 3 and a half years later, we’re still together and so very happy. I'm extremely lucky to have ended up with a person who loves and supports me unconditionally. 

Although I am in remission and a solid 80% healthy, my life and health can still be unpredictable, and I continue to face many of the same frustrations about wishing I could give more.  

As a perfectionist, I want to give 110%, but I’m only at 80% and need a lot of those "spoons" just for myself and continuing to heal! 

6+ years of chronic illness and 1/3 of my life, and I’m still working on finding peace with accepting “just doing my best IS enough.” 


With all of this, I really just wanted to say a few things to a few people… 

To anyone out there who is chronically ill and struggling with dating, or struggling with feeling like they’re falling short in their relationship. I’ve been there and I know how you feel. With time it will get better. I promise. Just keep doing your best and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel like you ARE enough, exactly as you are, no matter if you’re having a good or bad day.  

To the people out there who are dating someone chronically ill and you do make them feel loved and accepted and appreciated for exactly who they are. Bless you and your beautiful soul. You are a gem, a true diamond in the rough, and you are so deeply appreciated. Thank you for giving unconditional love. 

To the people who “can’t handle” dating someone who’s chronically ill (or struggling with an invisible illness.) If you leave them, all I ask is that you do it in a way that they know they should never feel guilty, worthless, ashamed, or like they aren’t enough. Us chronically ill folks have so many people leave us in utterly heartbreaking ways. Please don’t be another one of those people. 

It may be uncomfortable to have a real conversation before leaving them, it may be much easier to “ghost”, and you may think it’s best for both of you if you just disappear. But you have no idea the amount of scars that will leave on them. Please remember you can leave someone’s life in a positive and kind way. Give them the compassionate closure they deserve and are rarely given. 

To the people who have been left without any closure. I feel your pain. I know these scars all too well. Please be patient with your healing and never doubt your worth. You are loved, you deserve love, and you will find love. Don't let cruel people ruin the hopes you have for love. Have hope that healing is possible and that someday you will find “your people” who love you just as you are.  

To any chronically ill people out there who don't have a Valentine this year. Hi, I’ll be your Valentine. You ARE enough. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are a warrior, and a survivor who is incredible for continuing to fight and so worthy of love. I’m proud of you. I see you. I appreciate you. You will forever have my love and respect. 

Happy Valentine’s Day,  

Love Savannah💌

A Much Needed Vacation

Well, yesterday evening I got home from my first real vacation I've had since I got sick 6 years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to Newport Beach for a week, just the two of us, and it was absolutly wonderful. The weather was perfect, we had an amazing room and a beautiful view of the ocean both from bed and from the living room. We went to Laguna Beach, Balboa Island, Fashion Island, we explored the giant resort, and some near by little areas. We sang and danced and laughed for a week together and it seriously feels like a dream!

I don't think it's all fully set in yet just how HUGE of a milestone this vacation was for me. I did SO MUCH! I cooked all my own meals for a week, and was able to do most of my own dishes too. I was able to take care of myself and do all my needed daily things, AND I still had energy to go on spontaneous little drives and adventures. That's HUGEEEE for me!

Just two years ago I couldn't even walk across the house without help. I was just completely drained and exhausted in every way, and I was done. Not only was I 100% sure that I wouldn't live much longer, I didn't even want to fight or live anymore. I was just tired, and not a kind of tired that sleep even remotely helps.

I also had crippling anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and depression at that time too, and during this entire trip (from planning, to traveling there and back, and everything in-between) I was not stressed, I was not worried, I didn't overthink, and my mind didn't hold me back at all! I was happy and present and just enjoying every moment, and I'm super thankful and happy that Justin was able to do the same too!

He and I met 3 years ago, so he's only ever known "sick me", and he's seen me and stuck by me through my absolute lowest points in this chronic illness journey. For any that don't know, since we met he's become a lifeguard then an EMT and the last two summers he worked as an EMT. He's planning/working towards becoming a firefighter or paramedic.

He essentially has been the perfect person for me to be in a relationship with because when my health would take unexpected dips and we'd have to rush to the ER, he handled it incredibly well, and I need my partner to be able to handle both the good days and the really bad ones.

To be able to live any kind of a normal life I do need that kind of protection and safety net in not only my partner but also just whatever person I'm with. The friends I hangout with away from home are briefed with essentially a "What to do if I suddenly tank." I don't currently drive so when I leave the house I'm always with at least one person, and essentially I have to be able to trust my life in that persons hands. That is a lot of pressure to put on any person, but I have tanked suddenly countless times and living this way has saved my life on many occasions. I have safety nets for good reason.

I know not everyone can handle that kind of pressure, and thats why I don't have a lot of friends, and haven't since I got sick 6 years ago. Not many can handle that kind of pressure or seriousness, and even more than that, many can't manage act normal or natural if they know the seriousness of my health history. So, I'm incredibly thankful for the friends and people in my life who do handle it and are willing to go the extra mile to be a friend to me. My boyfriend most definitely is a person who has always been willing and happy to go an extra mile or two just to make me happy or make my life a little easier. Words just don't put my gratitude to justice.

Being sick for so many years, its easy to feel like a burden to the people around you. At many times I've felt like a burden or a job to Justin, because he literally is an EMT, that IS his job. But amazingly, this whole vacation he said he wasn't worried or stressed at all, neither of us were, and that alone says a lot about how far I've come.

It is sad to me sometimes to think that he's never even known what I'm like or who I am as a 100% healthy person, but the blessing about him only having known "sick me" is that our entire relationship has been built upon finding the absolute best in even the hardest times. It doesn't take a ton to make us feel really happy and fulfilled in the time we spend together. Genuinely really enjoying each others company and our conversations IS what our relationship's foundation, and I love that about us.

Having this trip and being able to do so much went so far above and beyond our expectations. It truly was amazing, and I'm so thankful to have shared such a big milestone with a person who has been such an essential part of why I'm still alive and here on this planet.

There were many moments on this trip were I forgot about all the hell I've been though the last 6 years, I felt normal, I felt like the old me, "healthy me", and that rarely ever happens to me!

As I'm healing and getting better and better, it's been a re-awakening or a re-birth of me and who I am as a person. This whole journey has been such a transformation and metamorphosis. I've grown and learned so so much as a person in the last 6 years.

There are so many parts of myself that I had long thought died and had come to peace with never having those parts of myself again, but so many things just keep waking back up. It's been amazing for me to be rediscovering parts of myself that have been dormant for so many years, and it's incredible to get to see Justin get to meet and love all these new healthy sides to me too.

He met and loved me so wholly even when I was just broken pieces, and I'd found peace and happiness in that state too. All of this is just bonuses and blessings and miracles and gifts from... idk someone out there who loves me.

I'm blown away with how far I've come in two years since that time, and how far I've come in even just the last year! There's no way I could've done this trip even just 6 months ago!

Yes, I am still held back physically, and still have a ways to go until I'm "healthy." But this trip was such a big accomplishment and such a huge milestone. It's a true testament of how far I've come and I am just beyond grateful for my progress and that I'm still continuing to heal.

This whole post I've been trying so hard to put all of these feelings into words and this still doesn't even come close to expressing the amount of gratitude I feel. To put things as simply as possible...

I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.

I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. 

Thank you Justin for loving me through good times and bad. You truly are one of my biggest unsung heroes. You mean the world to me, and I know this is just the first of many vacations we will get to take together. ❤️

Thank you to my parents for making this trip happen, and for all of your love and support and your continued help in getting me healthy.

Thank you to my family and friends for sticking by me and being happy to be my safety net.

(and last but not least)

Thank you to all the "someones out there who love me."😇 I see you.😘 I love you too. Thank you for everything. 💖

6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Goodbye, Winter... Hello, Spring!

It's been months since I've written on here and updated. Frankly, that's because I just haven't known where to start. I've had so many ups and downs. 

I'll start by saying, I'm still in our guest room and not back in my own bedroom... yet. It's been 5 months since I started staying in here. It's been since New Years basically. Initially, I moved in here because a mouse died in the wall of my bedroom and I couldn't take the smell. It took a good month for that to go away, and then another one died and that took a month too! So! There was that haha. Also, this room was already puppy proofed and this bed is right on the floor. So it was already good and safe for my puppy, and my room needs a lot of work for it to be puppy ready and I just didn't have the energy. So.... 5 months later, here I still am. 

I am wanting and planning to move back into my room though. I've started to clean little by little. I'm very excited to get back into my own space and be in a room that fully feels like me. My little, pink, girly room, with my excessive amount of fluffy pillows, stuffed animals, and all of my pretty little twinkle lights. It'll be so nice and good for me. I can't wait. We'll be together soon my beloved bed!😻😭🙌❤️

Here in this room, since I last wrote, I took down the clock that was staring me down, taunting me every night. (If you don't understand that reference just read my last post and you'll understand.) I first came to peace with it and got rid of its negative energy, and then took it down and put it away into the back of the closet in this room. In it's place, I put up a dream catcher than my mom’s amazing cousin MADE for me. It's something new, for my fresh start, filled with only positivity, and made with pure love. It feels immensely better than the clock that didn't work, to say the least. It's hung across the room staring down over my bed, which isn't traditional for dream catchers, but for here, in this room, it felt right. It felt needed. I needed something better to look over me. 

I can't wait to move back to my room though and hang it above by bed where it's meant to go. I can't wait. I can already feel how right it'll feel. 

It's been one of my longest, and hardest winters I’ve ever had. I can't wait to leave it all behind in this room and start spring (and summer) freshly and brightly in my own room, all clean. It’s literally a clean slate! It's exactly what I need. 

Oddly, I've also come to realize that maybe I was meant to be in this room over winter. Maybe it was exactly for this reason, that I needed to leave all of my sadness and negativity of winter behind in a different room. That way when I would move back into my own space, 1, it would be clear of all the old, bad energy, and 2, I would be ready to reset and truly start fresh. 

I’ve been forced to face a lot of my old demons too that I left behind in this room years ago. I mean, quite literally I had to face my old demons. I’ll talk about that more in separate posts though I guess haha. But! In short… All of the old energy I had in this room years ago, stayed exactly where I left it. So…I’ve had to deal with that. I had to work really hard to get the negative energy out of this room, and I finally did get it to clear out!

I’ve finally made my peace with this room. It just feels like a big empty room to me now, no more bad energy/memories weighing it (or me) down anymore. 

I’m just really happy to move back to my room now and to leave this room behind better than when I came into it. 

I'm ready! I'm ready to reset and have a fresh start with a new attitude. I'm ready to open all the dusty windows and let the light in. I'm ready. Bring on the light!

Spring time represents rebirth, renewal, growth, love, and HOPE. 

It’s been a beautiful spring, both literally and metaphorically. 

I’ll be writing again soon. There’s still so much I want to talk about.

Until next time...

❤️🌸🌱☀️