The Phoenix - A reluctant hero and her bittersweet tears.

If you missed it, I started this year off by writing a letter to my "ex-best friend" and all the "friends who left when I became chronically ill" and I shared that letter publicly before I could overthink it and chicken out. 

To The Friends Who Left When I Became Chronically Ill was published on The Mighty (basically) in record time, and in a week had 10k likes on The Mighty alone, not counting all of the other social media sites it was shared to and the hundreds of comments that flew into all of those shares as well. 

Since January they've re-ran that piece a handful of times and it still generally has the same response too -- lots of likes, lots of comments, and lots of shares (which just continues the cycle farther.)

It's the most vulnerable thing I've ever publicly written, and it terrified me to share it. But even without all of the praise, I was already glad to have done it. Granted, the thought of it being out there made me feel like throwing up most times, and even still kind of does. But all-in-all, I am really proud of it and I'm proud of myself for taking my deepest wound, giving it love, and giving it wings. 

Which brings me to where I am now, having recently written something that tore my heart out, and part of me wants to share it, but the rest of me just wants to vomit at the thought of such things. 

Quite frankly, sharing raw, unedited excerpts from my notes (which is many times how I journal and vent emotions) terrifies me even more than sharing the letter. But someday I plan to share a whole lot of my notes and journals in the book about my life, so, this is something I need to learn to no longer fear. Plus, I know how amazingly well it went earlier this year when I shared my heart with the world, so that eases at least some of my anxieties about being seen. 

Please note: I don't do "New Years resolutions" but I do generally like to set some goals for myself for the year, and this year one of my goals was to face my fears, face the places that scare me, push beyond that, and push myself to new heights. 

So, here we are...

...And here we go.

If you saw my last post (7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck), then you know that I just recently surpassed the 7 year anniversary of when I got sick. Since then I've unplugged and taken some time off to honor all of the emotions that go along with that. Naturally though, being who I am, I did a lot of writing during those ups an downs.

Seeing a quote led to me reflecting on my life and writing this piece. 

photo edited by me; art - unknown; quote - Joshua Graham

August 27, 2019, 12:21pm

I realize I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, but still my tears are bittersweet, because I know what these ashes I’m rising from once were. 

You don’t forget what you come from when what you come from is the still flickering embers of a life you once loved but was burnt down by fate, all just to make room for what you are now. 

In the ashes I see my past self, the one who had to die for me to survive. I know well that every speck of who I am now came to being from immense pain and pressure, like a pearl, or a diamond, trapped in close confines until outside factors decided to bring it to light.

I know what the ashes beneath were, I know what I came from, what it took, what it cost me to get to where I am now. 

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” -Joshua Graham-

I survived because I was willing to lose everything, because I surrendered to whatever my destiny would be. 

I was determined to rise no matter what knocked me down, or what ashes had burnt down beneath me. 

"I am a reluctant hero who continues to cry bittersweet tears." 

That's something else I wrote later in that note. 

Essentially, the essence of this is how I've been feeling. Yes, I have come incredibly far, but it cost me, and nothing in the entire world looks the same because of it all. 

Since writing that I've felt torn on whether to share it to not, fearing being seen, fearing being misunderstood, etc etc etc. Then today, my my mom sent me a beautifully relevant quote mirroring a similar sentiment, brining me back to my thoughts of the phoenix, and in my gut I knew that meant it was time for me to share. 

Whatever burns away is only the outer layers, and what endures, what is left, the core that remains after tragedy, that is where truth lies. You find out who you really are when everything else falls away.

I did lose myself, but my true essence was never truly lost, because it can't be lost. A soul is infinite. That fact is true, beautiful, powerful, and yet still bittersweet, and that's okay. 

To everything there are always BOTH highs and lows, pros and cons, light and dark, yin and yang. Every coin has two sides, and both sides are true. This is life, a paradox.

So, tonight as I cry even more "bittersweet tears", I feel it's just another reminder for how important it is for me to remain authentic and honest in the things that I do, and especially in the things that I write and share. 

I want to honor both sides of the coin. ☯️

7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck

As July came to a close and August began, I noticed a cloud looming closer and closer. Every August I seem to unintentionally count down the days until the anniversary of when I got sick, August 24, 2012. Every year I ponder the idea of, “I wonder if there will be a time in my life when I don’t think of the anniversary at all? Will August ever just be August again?” I think anyone who has faced tragedy in their life can relate to that same thought too. 

For better or for worse, when you experience a life altering event in life not only does it get permanently engrained into that specific day, but it somehow marks that entire month.

The anniversary of my chronic illnesses is like my own personal Memorial Day. 

I take it as my designated time to mourn the past, and honor all of my lost battles. I guess I did “win the war” but it was long and hard. It was tragic. I faced heartbreak, there literally was blood, sweat, tears, and so so many lost battles. I even did lose a friend who was fighting this fight along side me too. 

I take this time to mourn and honor the loss of my old self, my old life, my dear friend, and all other lives lost in the same ways as us. 

Every year I seem to relive the facts of my life before and after August 24th, going from waterpolo, straight As and AP classes, to bed bound, friendless, and in head-to-toe pain that was worsening by the day. I was 14. Without fail, that always deeply hurts to relive.

The years ticked by with countless trials and tribulations, I saw many highs, and a life’s worth of soul crushing lows. I said goodbye to this world more than a handful of times, and yet here I still am 7 years later, beating the odds, gratefully living in my miracle second chance at life. 

Over the years I have had people ask me if it gets easier, if the anniversary stops hurting, and I have to be honest and tell them that even after all this time it does still hurt. Every year the anniversary hits me at a different time, in a different way, and I never have accurately anticipated exactly how it’ll make me feel. But it does always hurt, and without fail, at some point every August, I do bawl my eyes out. 

What’s most different about this year is how I’m so much more honed in on focusing on my immense gratitude for life, all the things I can do, and giving as little attention as possible to the ways I still feel “less than.” 

I’ve worked incredibly hard over the years at my mental health and mindset, but this year especially, more than ever I’ve decided to take those things to a new level. 

This year I decided to start talking about my chronic illnesses less, and when I do speak of them I make sure it’s in the past tense. In turn, I’ve also dedicated to using more healthy, positive vocabulary when talking about myself in the present moment. I decided it was time to take a break from focusing so much on the past parts of my story, and focus as much as possible on gratitude for the present, and the optimism of the future.

So in that spirit, I’ll tell you where I’m at right now: I’ve been in remission for 2 and a half years, and I’m 90% better. I have 2 small Etsy businesses. I’ve traveled, I’ve gone out, I’ve pushed myself to make new friends and rebuild a new social life that fits this new person I am. My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I moved in together into the guest house at my parents place, and we have 4 fur-babies. I follow my happiness, and I give my energy only to things that make me feel good. I’m happy. I’m enjoying life. I have this immense gratitude for life that I’ll never be able to fully describe into words. I’m also very proud of myself, and especially for how I continue to more and more deeply dedicate my life to positivity. Mindset is a choice, and I’m very happy with the mindset I choose every day. 

Where I’m at in life right now is a place I never thought I would live to see again, and I can’t begin to explain how good that feels. To hit rock bottom, to face and accept death, and then to come back to this…? It truly is a miracle. 

As for the future, I realize I’ve already accomplished so much of what I always dreamed about, and I’ve managed to take up just about every hobby I ever dreamed of, just wishing, “I wish I could do that.” If I want something, I make it happen, I make the time, I do the work, and I damn sure celebrate that whole process. 

The things that once felt impossible are within reach, or I can at least see the clear pathway leading towards it. That feeling is amazing, and I try not to walk forwards in life afraid of the possibility of “loss” or “failure” because I already know how I always can find my way back from anything, and I always come back stronger and wiser too. 

The past can haunt you, it can control you, and it can continue to cause you pain for the rest of your life, but only if you let it. Sure, I may relive and re-grieve the anniversary every year, but there’s no way in hell I will let myself get stuck in the past. I respect the past, I respect the pain and all of those emotions and every single one of my scars, physical and emotional. I’m even grateful for it all because of how it’s just continued to make me stronger. But I damn sure refuse to let any of the past hold me back, and I will not let it continue forward into my future. 

Off and on since I got sick in 2012 I wondered if this was some kind of “7 years of bad luck” detour of life, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what it was, it just matters what I make of it, and who I choose to let it make me. 

Life fucking happens to all of us, and pain is inevitable. Facing struggle is a part of human existence. But to be who you are, do what you do, say what you say, and think what you think is a choice. To live is a choice. What you choose to make of life and the shit it throws at you is completely up to you. Those facts will either terrify you, or empower you, and I hope it’s the latter. 

That is what these 7 years has taught me, and that is what I’ve chosen to reflect most on this August. 

As I continue to change my vocabulary, as I refer to my struggles as being in the past, as I release the pain, as I accept my healing, as I step more and more wholly into the new me, I am both telling and showing the universe what I want to manifest more of. *The Law of Attraction - like energy attracts like energy.*

Health. Happiness. Love. 

That is what I choose. 

This is my official goodbye to my “7 years of bad luck.” 

You may think I’d be ecstatic to slap this book shut, throw it out, burn it, and never look back. But it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, and it’s scary to leave behind what you know and tread forwards into uncharted waters. When you get stuck in life, even if you’re thrown into a too small box that you first despise, you can grow to a certain kind of peace and comfort in that place. I grew quite fond of “limbo”, facing death freed me, and taught me immeasurable lessons. 

I would never choose this life path for myself or anyone else, but I also wouldn’t trade my journey for anything. I trust what was destined to be mine. 

I close this chapter with immense gratitude. I stride forward with pride, knowing my true strength, carrying forth every bit of wisdom I can, and when necessary I will look back and I will honor my past with every shred of respect that it deserves. 

Thank you, universe, for knowing what I needed in order to become who I was meant to be. I will cherish this second chance with every fiber of my being. 

Valentine's Day And Dating Are 10x Hard For The Chronically Ill

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and especially the difficulties of dating while being chronically ill. In my experience, being chronically ill makes dating, or really any kind of relationship, 10 times harder.  

It’s hard to plan dates when I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. It’s hard to go on dates when I’m tired or hurting or struggling with anxiety. It’s hard to get and give gifts when I’m home bound and exhausted to the bone. It’s hard to fully be there for another person while I’m focusing on trying to save my own life and just survive through the day.  

Attempting to date while being chronically ill was a nightmare for me. Since I was home bound, online dating was my only option for a long time, and it did not work out for me at all. Usually, once I told a person I was sick they would give a quick, “That’s crazy. I’m so sorry.” Then shortly after that they would “ghost” and stop replying.  

If I had a dollar for every time someone has done that to me I would be one rich "sick-chick."  

Eventually, every once in a blue moon, I started going out with friends and one time I unknowingly was set up on a blind-date! Thankfully, that went very well. 3 and a half years later, we’re still together and so very happy. I'm extremely lucky to have ended up with a person who loves and supports me unconditionally. 

Although I am in remission and a solid 80% healthy, my life and health can still be unpredictable, and I continue to face many of the same frustrations about wishing I could give more.  

As a perfectionist, I want to give 110%, but I’m only at 80% and need a lot of those "spoons" just for myself and continuing to heal! 

6+ years of chronic illness and 1/3 of my life, and I’m still working on finding peace with accepting “just doing my best IS enough.” 


With all of this, I really just wanted to say a few things to a few people… 

To anyone out there who is chronically ill and struggling with dating, or struggling with feeling like they’re falling short in their relationship. I’ve been there and I know how you feel. With time it will get better. I promise. Just keep doing your best and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel like you ARE enough, exactly as you are, no matter if you’re having a good or bad day.  

To the people out there who are dating someone chronically ill and you do make them feel loved and accepted and appreciated for exactly who they are. Bless you and your beautiful soul. You are a gem, a true diamond in the rough, and you are so deeply appreciated. Thank you for giving unconditional love. 

To the people who “can’t handle” dating someone who’s chronically ill (or struggling with an invisible illness.) If you leave them, all I ask is that you do it in a way that they know they should never feel guilty, worthless, ashamed, or like they aren’t enough. Us chronically ill folks have so many people leave us in utterly heartbreaking ways. Please don’t be another one of those people. 

It may be uncomfortable to have a real conversation before leaving them, it may be much easier to “ghost”, and you may think it’s best for both of you if you just disappear. But you have no idea the amount of scars that will leave on them. Please remember you can leave someone’s life in a positive and kind way. Give them the compassionate closure they deserve and are rarely given. 

To the people who have been left without any closure. I feel your pain. I know these scars all too well. Please be patient with your healing and never doubt your worth. You are loved, you deserve love, and you will find love. Don't let cruel people ruin the hopes you have for love. Have hope that healing is possible and that someday you will find “your people” who love you just as you are.  

To any chronically ill people out there who don't have a Valentine this year. Hi, I’ll be your Valentine. You ARE enough. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are a warrior, and a survivor who is incredible for continuing to fight and so worthy of love. I’m proud of you. I see you. I appreciate you. You will forever have my love and respect. 

Happy Valentine’s Day,  

Love Savannah💌

Dear Ex Best Friend Who Left Me When I Became Chronically Ill

They say, in life, on average we have a whole new set of friends every 7 years. If you’re lucky, you may surpass that average and have friends that literally last a lifetime. Or if you’re like me and aren’t so lucky, life may throw you some unexpected curve-balls that people in your life just can’t handle, and you may lose friends at a much more rapid pace than “the average person.”

I got sick when I was 14 and I lost every single person in my life that wasn’t blood related to me. 

I’ve lost more friends in my life than I can begin to try and count, and it took me time to fully accept that losing all of those friends was not my fault, and I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply got sick, and people couldn’t handle how serious and scary my life got, so they left. 

I don’t really blame them for leaving either because I’ve deeply struggled with handling my illness too. I wouldn’t expect people to stick around if even I can’t handle my own illness. It’s a lot. Believe me, I know. 

Over the years, I’ve made amends with many who left, but most never gave me a conversation for closure, or even just a goodbye. I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to those people who left without so much as a goodbye, and so I decided to write a letter. 

This letter is to no one person in particular, but instead is inspired by my accumulatory loss of countless friendships and the things I wished I had said to them. 

Dear ex best friend,

We always said forever, and I know we both believed we would beat the odds. I’m genuinely sorry that we didn’t.

Losing you was my first and biggest heartbreak. 

I know I shouldn’t apologize for this, but I’m sorry that I got sick and that it was too much for our friendship to survive through. I know it’s not my fault that I got sick, but it’s hard not to feel somewhat responsible for this. I truly wish that our friendship didn’t have to be collateral damage of my illness.

I’m sorry that I missed out on all the things we said we would do together. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part of it all, and most importantly, I always still wanted to be a part of your life. 

I’m not sure if you know this, but I need you to know that I didn’t reach out because I was too sick. I was fighting to survive. I really only ever saw or talked to my family or my doctors, and that’s it.

My lack of efforts to try and talk to you and catch up wasn’t personal. I didn’t have anything against you. I was just too sick, and if I did have the energy I hope you know I would’ve chosen to reach out to you. 

Over the years, I have made some new friends, but I haven’t forgotten about you, and I don’t see how I ever could. We were best friends, nothing will ever replace the bond we had and all of the wonderful memories we share.

Although at times I’ve missed you terribly, I realize life has taken us in different directions. I know I’ve changed immensely from my health-crisis detour in life, and I’m sure you’ve changed plenty with time as well. It’s hard to know things will never be as they once were between us, even if we did have a fresh start.

I do have to admit I don’t understand why you never reached out to me though. Was my life really that overwhelming to you? I know it is a lot to handle. 

I’m not mad that you had to leave, especially if that’s what was best for your own well-being. But you couldn’t even say goodbye? Was saying goodbye just too hard for you?

In my isolation I was left to wonder if everyone who left truly just did not care about me at all. But I want to believe that isn’t true. I want to believe that you just couldn’t bear to see me suffer, couldn’t cope with the possibly that I may die, and couldn’t bear to actually say goodbye. 

I’ve wished so much that we could just talk and find closure and peace. Maybe you have questions you want answered, and I know I have countless questions I’ve wished I could ask you. 

I’ve held out hope that you would one day return for us to finally have the conversation of closure we both deserve, but you never showed up, and in my small attempts to reach out to you, I felt utterly rejected. It hurt too much to keep trying. And who knows, maybe you feel the same and that’s why you gave up too. 

I’ve finally realized I need to let go of “us”, move on with my life, and let you move on with yours. 

Although it’s time for me to finally fully close the door on our past, just in case this really is the last time we talk, I need you to know a few last things before I go.

I still love you and can’t imagine a day that I won’t.

Your friendship was priceless to me and I truly will cherish it forever. 

There’s no hard feelings. I really have never been mad at you or solely blamed you for the end of our friendship. I only was ever sad about losing you, wondered what exactly went wrong, and wished things could be different. Please know, I take responsibility for my shortcomings in my half of our relationship.

I hope your life is full of people you can be your true self with, and that they love you unconditionally just as you are.

I hope your new friends support you, uplift you, are there for you, and follow through in doing all of the things you plan to do together. I wish so much that I could’ve been that for you, but I hope they make up for that in spades. 

I have always, and will always wish you all the best in life. 

I hope you find a plethora of happiness, passions, and love. 

I hope your true love is everything we dreamed they’d be and more. 

I hope your wedding is beautiful, that your kids are as fantastic as you were as a kid, and that your lifetime is full of endless adventures and blessings. 

If life every leads you back to me, don’t be afraid to say hello. 

If this is the end, please know I’ll never forget you, and I truly will cherish our memories forever.

Thank you for everything.

And to finally say the word you never could, and the one I’ve been putting off saying for far too long as well, but I think we both need to say it…

Goodbye. 

Love, your ex best friend. 

"I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!"

It's World Mental Health Day and ironically I've had a 180 in the last 24 hours, much like the weather actually. 

Yesterday was sunny, beautiful, perfect weather. My boyfriend and I went on a movie date for the first time in a long time to celebrate our 3 year anniversary a few days early.  I was so happy all day, giddy even, and went to bed feeling so happy and grateful for life. 

Today, however, some dark, heavy clouds rolled in over night, and an internal storm began. 

I slept SO BAD last night, the worst I've slept in years. I was up many hours later than usual, I slept for 2 hours, was awake for 2 hours, slept for 2 hours and had terrible nightmares back to back, was awake for 2 hours, then slept decently for 3 hours. Every awake spell my mind was a reel of negativity, and every time I was asleep I was in stressful dreams or nightmares. 

I feel exhausted.
My mind is a mess, I have emotional chest pain, and my body is not happy about the restless sleep. 

Thankfully, I haven't felt this way in a very long time. But it's crazy to think that my life was this way fro so many years. It makes me feel so much more thankful for how I've come and that I have a huge majority of good days now.

I've struggles with mental health off and on for many years now and hard work and determination is how I've gotten to where I am now, which is the happiest and most myself I've ever felt. 
You can't give up when you have a bad day. You have to find heathy outlets to pour your emotions into whether it's good emotions or bad. You have to find ways to nurture your mind, body, and soul everyday. 

I'm also very thankful that over the years I've learned how to cope really well with bad days like this. 
So, to nurture my soul today I have old classic jazz playing (my favorite genre), and I'm spending some time organizing my closet and tidying my room because a clean room for me means a clean mind and soul. Puppy and kitty cuddles always really help too.😊💕

While looking out at the dark, stormy clouds "Singing In The Rain" came on and made me smile. When it gets stormy or rainy it doesn't have to stop you. You can always make the most of any kind of weather. 
I could've stayed in bed and wallowed all day, I've done that many times in the past and that's okay! Sometimes that is the best you can do! But a bad day is a bad DAY, not a bad life. Storms never last forever. The clouds will break and the sun will shine again. ☀️

Today I'm choosing to "sing and dance in the rain" and take care of my soul. 

I truly believe that the people who thrive the most in life are the ones who learn to dance amidst the storms too. 
And anyone who really knows me, knows that I've always been one who literally will go outside and sing and dance in the rain. 

I can think of so many occasions growing up back in school where it would be sprinkling, raining, or even pouring, and no matter how light or heavy the rain, everyone would run to get out of it as quickly as possible. But not me. I would walk, I would skip, I would twirl, I would splash in the puddles, I would dance, I would sing, I would throw my head back and smile up at the sky, and every once in a while someone would come join me and would happily get soaked in the storm with me. 

Past and present, literally and figuratively, thank you to those of you in my life who have danced in the rain with me. 💙🌧👯‍♀️

You are everything.

And hey! For anyone who's never danced in the rain, I highly recommend it! You'll be amazed by how much fun you can have in a storm. 😉  

#worldmentalhealthday

(...and right on queue, as I'm posting this blog, the sun came through the clouds for sunset, lit up the sky beautifully, and the sunlight also hit the crystal in my window above me and shined rainbow speckles ALL around my room. ⛅️🌈💖)

(Scorll side to side to read on mobile. This post uploaded very oddly and I don't know why. I tried to fix it but it's just being stubborn. Sorry that it uploaded with many fonts and that you have to scroll weirdly to read it. :/ )

A Much Needed Vacation

Well, yesterday evening I got home from my first real vacation I've had since I got sick 6 years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to Newport Beach for a week, just the two of us, and it was absolutly wonderful. The weather was perfect, we had an amazing room and a beautiful view of the ocean both from bed and from the living room. We went to Laguna Beach, Balboa Island, Fashion Island, we explored the giant resort, and some near by little areas. We sang and danced and laughed for a week together and it seriously feels like a dream!

I don't think it's all fully set in yet just how HUGE of a milestone this vacation was for me. I did SO MUCH! I cooked all my own meals for a week, and was able to do most of my own dishes too. I was able to take care of myself and do all my needed daily things, AND I still had energy to go on spontaneous little drives and adventures. That's HUGEEEE for me!

Just two years ago I couldn't even walk across the house without help. I was just completely drained and exhausted in every way, and I was done. Not only was I 100% sure that I wouldn't live much longer, I didn't even want to fight or live anymore. I was just tired, and not a kind of tired that sleep even remotely helps.

I also had crippling anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and depression at that time too, and during this entire trip (from planning, to traveling there and back, and everything in-between) I was not stressed, I was not worried, I didn't overthink, and my mind didn't hold me back at all! I was happy and present and just enjoying every moment, and I'm super thankful and happy that Justin was able to do the same too!

He and I met 3 years ago, so he's only ever known "sick me", and he's seen me and stuck by me through my absolute lowest points in this chronic illness journey. For any that don't know, since we met he's become a lifeguard then an EMT and the last two summers he worked as an EMT. He's planning/working towards becoming a firefighter or paramedic.

He essentially has been the perfect person for me to be in a relationship with because when my health would take unexpected dips and we'd have to rush to the ER, he handled it incredibly well, and I need my partner to be able to handle both the good days and the really bad ones.

To be able to live any kind of a normal life I do need that kind of protection and safety net in not only my partner but also just whatever person I'm with. The friends I hangout with away from home are briefed with essentially a "What to do if I suddenly tank." I don't currently drive so when I leave the house I'm always with at least one person, and essentially I have to be able to trust my life in that persons hands. That is a lot of pressure to put on any person, but I have tanked suddenly countless times and living this way has saved my life on many occasions. I have safety nets for good reason.

I know not everyone can handle that kind of pressure, and thats why I don't have a lot of friends, and haven't since I got sick 6 years ago. Not many can handle that kind of pressure or seriousness, and even more than that, many can't manage act normal or natural if they know the seriousness of my health history. So, I'm incredibly thankful for the friends and people in my life who do handle it and are willing to go the extra mile to be a friend to me. My boyfriend most definitely is a person who has always been willing and happy to go an extra mile or two just to make me happy or make my life a little easier. Words just don't put my gratitude to justice.

Being sick for so many years, its easy to feel like a burden to the people around you. At many times I've felt like a burden or a job to Justin, because he literally is an EMT, that IS his job. But amazingly, this whole vacation he said he wasn't worried or stressed at all, neither of us were, and that alone says a lot about how far I've come.

It is sad to me sometimes to think that he's never even known what I'm like or who I am as a 100% healthy person, but the blessing about him only having known "sick me" is that our entire relationship has been built upon finding the absolute best in even the hardest times. It doesn't take a ton to make us feel really happy and fulfilled in the time we spend together. Genuinely really enjoying each others company and our conversations IS what our relationship's foundation, and I love that about us.

Having this trip and being able to do so much went so far above and beyond our expectations. It truly was amazing, and I'm so thankful to have shared such a big milestone with a person who has been such an essential part of why I'm still alive and here on this planet.

There were many moments on this trip were I forgot about all the hell I've been though the last 6 years, I felt normal, I felt like the old me, "healthy me", and that rarely ever happens to me!

As I'm healing and getting better and better, it's been a re-awakening or a re-birth of me and who I am as a person. This whole journey has been such a transformation and metamorphosis. I've grown and learned so so much as a person in the last 6 years.

There are so many parts of myself that I had long thought died and had come to peace with never having those parts of myself again, but so many things just keep waking back up. It's been amazing for me to be rediscovering parts of myself that have been dormant for so many years, and it's incredible to get to see Justin get to meet and love all these new healthy sides to me too.

He met and loved me so wholly even when I was just broken pieces, and I'd found peace and happiness in that state too. All of this is just bonuses and blessings and miracles and gifts from... idk someone out there who loves me.

I'm blown away with how far I've come in two years since that time, and how far I've come in even just the last year! There's no way I could've done this trip even just 6 months ago!

Yes, I am still held back physically, and still have a ways to go until I'm "healthy." But this trip was such a big accomplishment and such a huge milestone. It's a true testament of how far I've come and I am just beyond grateful for my progress and that I'm still continuing to heal.

This whole post I've been trying so hard to put all of these feelings into words and this still doesn't even come close to expressing the amount of gratitude I feel. To put things as simply as possible...

I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.

I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. 

Thank you Justin for loving me through good times and bad. You truly are one of my biggest unsung heroes. You mean the world to me, and I know this is just the first of many vacations we will get to take together. ❤️

Thank you to my parents for making this trip happen, and for all of your love and support and your continued help in getting me healthy.

Thank you to my family and friends for sticking by me and being happy to be my safety net.

(and last but not least)

Thank you to all the "someones out there who love me."😇 I see you.😘 I love you too. Thank you for everything. 💖

6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters

Yesterday was a totally average day for me - laundry, cooking, yoga, playing with my fur babies, etc. - I was in an average mood, just doing my normal daily things. It wasn't until almost bedtime that I realized that it was the 6 year anniversary of when my chronic illness officially began. -- August 24, 2012 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day.

In realizing what day it was, I also realized that yesterday marked 5 months since my dear friend, Alex passed away from the same chronic illnesses I too have. -- She passed away on March 24, 2018 ... Nothing has ever been the same since that day too.


Some may have noticed, or maybe not, that I haven't been blogging as much this year. I've been journaling more than I ever have before, so it's not like I've run out of thoughts or things to say. But I've been struggling to write publicly for a while now.
A huge part of that is due to me losing a friend to the same illnesses I have, but also, it's due to the fact that every year of being sick is just so different for me - emotionally, mentally, physically, even spiritually. No year has been the same. Honestly, the only real consistent thing about the past 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been.

It's been a pretty crazy year though, and even just this week has been crazy! There's been lots of emotions, a huge emotional breakdown, and I randomly got 7 splinters on my knuckle from God knows what?! Like what does that even mean?! 7 splinters?! Does it mean after the 7th year this will be over? Was this some crazy 7 years of bad luck thing??

Since it's been so long since I've written about my life I'll have to break it down and resist from writing about everything all at once. In my next post (whenever that may take place, hopefully soon) I'll talk more about the 6 year anniversary and how it's effected me this year, but today I really feel most compelled to talk about Alex and her impact on my life.


Losing Alex really tore me up to say the least, and 5 months later, I still have waves of grief and sometimes even survivors guilt.
Yes, we only knew each other for a little less than a year and only ever met in person once just in a brief passing, but she was one of the truest, kindest, most genuine and caring people I have ever met. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.
But even more special than that, she understood me. She understood my illnesses, she felt what I had felt, and even if we couldn't perfectly put it into words, we silently knew that we knew exactly what the other felt and what we were going through. When we met a year ago, for the first time in 5 years I had a person who completely understood my illnesses.

Sure, I know many people with Lyme now, but she was the first girl I'd met who was close to my own age and had Lyme, the same co-infection as me, AND she had MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome.) I didn't know any other people who had MCAS! I went from feeling so alone in my suffering to suddenly just having this amazing, super optimistic friend who had been living an extremely identical life to me!

I was told for years by the medical community too that I was just some medical mystery and they'd imply that I was crazy or making things up, and so to meet a girl who'd gone through that too and for us both to have lived and felt the same things, it was extremely validating for us both! I wasn't alone. We weren't alone.


As I've now shared with Alex's family since her passing, once I got sick I never prayed anymore, especially not for myself. The only thing I always prayed for was to just have one person, one friend who just understood everything I was going through. I can't even tell you how many sleepless nights I would cry and just beg the universe to send me someone. Just one person, that's all I needed, and I was so desperate to have that. Just one person...
When I met Alex that prayer was finally answered.

No, we didn't know each other for long, but she was the answer to my prayers and a huge hole that had been a part of me for 5 years was finally filled. She brought me so much peace, and happiness, and light, and love, and just bounds of inspiration because my god that girl just glowed with such a palpable radiance of love and hope and faith and all things good. I mean, if I ever could imagine what an angel would be like if they lived here on earth, that was it, she was it, that was Alex!


Losing her is beyond tragic, for everyone, but how lucky am I to have had such a pure hearted person in my life, even if it was just for a flash. I had a beautiful friend, and someone who truly understood my biggest struggles in life, and what a miracle and blessing is that? That's priceless.

She may be physically gone, but she is still so present. There has not been a day that I haven't felt her with me, and that girl is just a master at sending signs from heaven too. I've spoken to her family too and ALL of us get lots of signs from Alex, and most commonly in the from of happy little birdies.

All of the amazing things she radiated when she was here on earth have only just amplified now that she truly is a full on guardian angel. She truly radiates just this incredibly palpable level of love, light, hope, positivity, and faith that I honestly could ever imagine, and when I met her I was a person who hadn't had faith for years, and had long ago lost my hope. The only people I've seen who's every radiates that much love and light was when I spent a week with the monks last summer. It was such a palpable energy. I could feel God shining through them, and I can feel God shining through Alex.

It is downright the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever been a part of or witnessed or felt. I feel honored to be a part of it. It's just been so life changing and so inspiring.


As I said earlier, I do struggle with survivors guilt sometimes, but Alex always goes out of her way to remind me that "everything happens for a reason." That is a phrase that I always would say when I first got sick, and I still believe it to be true.

Last night I listened to music and "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (click to listen) came on and it just felt like Alex speaking to me. She was reminding me that everything happens for a reason.
Much like the song, she inspired me to reconsider my faith, give heaven more than just a passing glance, and to just let in the love and light, and let it shine out of me.

I don't know why she had to leave so soon, or why exactly I'm the one who's still here, and maybe I never will fully know "why." All I know is that I trust that there is a higher purpose, I have hope that maybe someday I'll understand, and until then, I have faith that I will be guided and helped along my journey by kind people in this world, kind souls who are beyond, and whoever or whatever is the higher power that guides us all through this crazy journey of life and beyond.



Thank you, Alex... for everything.
I promise to give heaven more than just a passing glance, I'll always give faith a fighting chance, when I'm by the ocean and feeling small and humble I'll smile and think of you, I won't fear the mountains in the distance, I'll never regret loving, I won't let bitterness win, I'll never take a single breath for granted, and I promise if I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I'll dance, and I'll smile because I know you'll be dancing right there with me too.

I miss you.
I love you.
But I know we're always together in the heart.

"Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."

All my love,
Savannah💖