Physical Pain vs Mental/Emotional Pain

Physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain.

I’m sure a good majority of all of you who just read that are deeply confused as to what I mean. Before I explain what I mean by that though, I first need to give some backstory about the types of pain I’ve felt in just this past week, and tell why this topic is on my mind. 

A few days ago I woke up in a bad mental state. I laid in bed that morning wanting to cry or throw up from how bad I was mentally. By that I mean that my OCD (and all that comes with that; germaphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, irrational fears, depressive thoughts, etc. It's all a domino effect after a certain point.) was so bad that it made me want to throw up. But instead of following my instinct to sleep all day and avoid having to deal life, I got up and ate. 

That was just the first hour of being awake. 

How bad it was when I woke up, that level of my mind going crazy, when it's so bad that it makes me want to throw up, that's when I start having panic attacks that I can't control. There's a very fine line before it turns into a panic attack and there's a very fine line of not being able to control it once a panic attack starts.

Luckily I've been through all of this so many times that I know all of my limits with things and I know what the points of no return are. -Pros and cons to having been sick for years.-  I’ve learned how to control and manage my daily pains and I do my best to control whatever the symptoms of the day are. I keep things from getting worse wayyyyyy more than people know. My whole day, from the time I woke up until I fell asleep was a struggle.

I didn't cry, despite having felt on the verge of crying off and on all day. I didn't throw up, despite that how bad I was mentally made me want to die. I didn't have a panic attack, despite....everything. That's all just thanks to my experience with controlling myself.

It's constant work to contain it all on days like that though; hence why I like to just be alone, and also hence why I'm very tired on days like that. 

All the ways I was being mentally effected were just because something going on in my body made it's way to my brain so it effected me neurologically. 

Staying aware that it's a chemical reaction and not me or not triggered by something situational is what keeps me as stable and sane as I stay. I stay aware that I’m not myself that day and thats what keeps me from totally losing it. But that means I have to state aware of that all day to not go crazy. It’s just plain, all-around very tiring. Luckily though, I know it's only temporary.

A few days after that bad mental health day, I had a really bad physical health day that was extremely pain filled. I wrote about that the other day. You can read that whole post if you want that story too haha. Here’s the link to it: Reflecting In The Aftermath Of A Bad Day.

This week I had a bad mental day and a bad physical day, and out of the two I had a harder time when my mind was falling apart. After years of experiencing many different kinds of pain on a day-to-day basis, I fairly quickly learned that physical pain is actually much easier to get through than mental or emotional pain. To some, I’m sure you’ll immediately understand that, and to everyone who doesn’t know why I would say something like that, I will now explain why I think that...

My body is only what I live in. It can literally break and fall apart, and who I am can still be completely intact because I am not my body. 

When it's my mind that falls apart though, it's very easy to lose touch with who I am underneath all of the abnormal chemical reactions happening in my head. It changes the way I think, and if that changed thinking lasts long enough who I really am just becomes a foggier and more distant memory. Eventually in time you forget what it feels like to think normally. 

It's easy to not be defined by your body. But if you're not defined by your mind either, then what are you defined by? 

I am not my body. 

I am not my mind. 

I am the soul that lives within all of me. 

~ You are defined by how you react to the uncontrollable things in life. ~

Whether it be your body or mind that you can't control, at the end of the day you are not defined by those things. 

You are not defined by if the things you can't control effect you. You are defined by how you let what you can't control effect you. 

~ It's inevitable that change (in whatever form) will happen and effect you, but you control how it effects you. ~

I'm not saying you can always control the way things effect you. Everyone will have their bad days, but how you look at the bad days; how you rise from bad days; how you look at life after bad days; how you look at yourself after bad days…That is something you can control. It's not always easy to control, but it is doable. 

~ You are only defined by the things you let define you. ~

I am not my illness. 

My illness continues to change my body and mind on a daily basis and that is simply out of my control. I've long accepted that fact. I control how I cope, and react to change though. I decide what outlook I have on life. 

~ When life drags you down you have the choice to decide what attitude you have. ~

I am controlled and limited in many ways by my illness, but there are always things we can't control in life.

I will not be defined by my illness. 

I made that decision a long time ago. 

I am defined by my inner strength, peace, determination, compassion, empathy, outlook, attitude, and so much more. I am defined by how I always make the most of life. I am defined by how despite having many reasons to give up, I never give up. I can't. I've actually tried and I am incapable of giving up. I won't accept defeat. 

~ I have lost many battles, but I will win this war. ~

I am defined by my ability to find positivity in every situation....And honestly I have my illness to thank for that. I have my illness to thank for this better, stronger person it molded me into...And that....

That is my silver lining. 

Any kind of pain is hard to deal with. To every person their pain is different, and their ability to cope and overcome it is different too. For me, I definitely have my reasons to believe that physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain, but to each his own…

For any other sick people out there, whether you're being limited and controlled and dragged down by physical pain or mental or emotional pain, never give up. I know how you feel. I know how much you want to give up some days, but don’t give in to that. Your pain won’t last forever. I know it sucks to have to wait for that “someday” that things will finally be better, but always, ALWAYS keep fighting. “Someday” will come and you will look back and be so happy and proud that you didn’t give up. I promise you won't regret not giving up.

In the meantime, while you’re still fighting and waiting for “someday”, remember these things... 

~ Find silver linings in everything. ~

~ Find positivity in everything. ~

~ Don't lose hope. ~

~ Chose how the things you can't control effect you. ~

~ Define yourself. ~

~ Never give up. ~

Most importantly...

~ You will lose battles, but always keep your determination to win the war, no matter what. ~

Reflecting In The Aftermath Of A Bad Day

Well I had a hell of a day...

Things can be going so smoothly, and then out of no where things can do a 180 and go downhill so fast. Sometimes I forget how quickly things can change, especially when it comes to my health. 

Today was like some kind of weird time warp of my life 2 years ago. I honestly don't know how I used to get through it all...

It's late and I'm tired. I'm just doing a lot of reflecting now, thinking about how far I've come.

Today was a bad day, to say the least. It was the most stressful, tiring and pain filled day I've had in I can't even remember how long. But overall, lately I've been doing pretty damn good. Today made me realize that. 

~ It takes bad days to really appreciate the good ones. ~

Today also reminded me how many people are there for me. Both of my parents came home to take care of me when I called saying I needed someone ASAP. My brother made me yummy soup for dinner, his girlfriend texted me asking if I was okay, my boyfriend offered to come over and bring me something, my best friends made me smile and laugh despite my bad day, all the girls who work for my parents were all concerned and sending good thoughts my way all day, and my doctor called my mom back after she messaged him about my bad day even though he was out of town. Everyone stopped what they were doing, my parents especially very literally so dropped what they were doing, and didn't hesitate to help me when I suddenly crashed out of the blue and needed people to catch me.  

~ Bad days make you realize who the people are in your life who are really there for you. ~

Pain and illnesses have a weird way of bringing out the best and the worst in people and situations. On one side I lost a lot due to my chronic illness, but it made me appreciate little things more than I ever could've had I not gotten sick. It made me see things and people and myself differently. It really made me appreciate the people who stayed in my life more than ever too.

Pros & Cons of today

Cons: I had the worst day I've had in a very long time, and it went from 0-100 in a matter of minutes. Also, note that I was home alone when it suddenly turned for the worse.

Pros: Tons of people came to my rescue. I didn't have to go to the hospital. My pain finally subsided. I ate decently today. I took all my pills. I showered. I laughed.

At the end of the day, the Pros outweigh the Cons, and that says a lot because I was in excruciating pain today. That says a lot about the people I have in my life and how much their unwavering support effects me when I faulter. 

Weird day...Super weird. I'm so drained, and I don't know why I feel thankful after such a crappy day.

Well actually, I do know why I feel thankful...

I feel thankful that days like today have become so rare. I'm thankful that so many people are so willing to drop everything to help me and take care of me on bad days. I'm proud of myself for getting through it, and I'm hopeful that things will soon get better again.

Important things I took away from today./ Things to remember./ Advice for anyone listening.

~ Be thankful for the good days and try to learn from the bad ones. ~

~ Don't let bad days make you lose hope in having good days. ~

~ Never lose faith in YOURSELF. ~

What Am I Doing Here?

So, I’m here. I finally made a blog after years of being on the fence about it. 

Why now, you ask? 

In short, I made this mostly because my mom pushed me to do it haha. 

Honestly, I've lost count of how many times people have told me I should write a book or have a blog about what I've been through. Starting a blog about this really is something I've wanted to do for a long time too. It's just that when I first got sick I didn't like to talk about being sick. At all. Practically in the blink of an eye being sick became my whole life, so obviously I didn't want to talk about what I was already living with 24/7. 

Only sick people will really understand that...

Once I started to get better I started opening up more about what I've gone through to family and friends. But I was determined to stay focused on school and not get too distracted with other things (such as creating a blog.) Once I was well enough to start doing school again I made it a top priority. Largely because I missed two years of school and knew it would be a struggle to catch up. It really was hard to catch up too, but my focus and determination is how I got it done. Now, I’ve got it all done, and a few months early too.

Since I just finished school and have a few months off until school starts again in the fall, and I feel ready to tell my story, I felt like this was the perfect time to start this. 

I have a long story and my first post is just barely the tip of the iceberg in telling it. I've learned tons and I want to share what I've learned. I have tips and tricks that I've learned over the years on how to cope and get through the ups-and-downs of being chronically ill. 

What I've been through isn't just relatable to other Lyme patients either. It parallels what so many other types of chronic illness patients go through every day. Symptom wise chronic illnesses can vary quite a bit, but the way we all live day-to-day is so much more similar than we all realize. 

What I've been through is relatable to all sorts of sick people. 

I was fairly young when I got sick with Lyme. I was 14 and now I’m 18. I’ve grown up while being sick. How I’ve grown up from a sick kid to a sick young adult gives me a unique point of view where that I can understand and relate to so many different ages of sick people.

• Kids can relate to me. I've grown up as a sick kid. I was young enough when I first got sick that I could/still can imagine how a kid would process getting sick. 
• I was a teenager, so therefore I completely can understand a teenagers mindset while going through an illness. 
• Now I'm 18. I was forced to grow up a lot due to my situation, and since I spent all of my time with adults, I understand an adults perspective too. 
• Not just that but I've been very close with my mom through all of this so I can understand a caretakers mentality. 
• I also know people who have Lyme too so I know how it feels to have a friend who has Lyme. 
• Last but not least, my brother has Lyme too so I know how it feels to have a sick sibling. 

I empathize for and can understand such a wide spectrum of mindsets of people who are effected by chronic illnesses. Thats why I’m here. I feel like my input on the topic of chronic illnesses and everything that goes with it could be very relatable and it has the potential to help a wide variety of people too.  

I feel like I can help people understand this undereducated and misunderstood topic; chronic illnesses and what it’s like to live with it. Plus, I feel like I can comfort and maybe help people who are going through what I've been through too.

What is my goal with this blog? 

I’m here to share my story, share what I've learned, teach people about Lyme and talk about what it's like to live with a chronic illness. I want to spread awareness for the illnesses that nearly cost me my life, and my ultimate goal is that I effect someone. If I effect just one person than I've done what I wanted to do here. 

I want to make a difference.…That’s why I’m here. 

My goal is to make a difference.