I've been on the verge of almost needing to go to the E.R., twice, in one week. I've cried myself to sleep, twice, in one week. I woke up crying once. I cried again late at night on a different day, and I just cried again tonight, this time in the shower... My health has been declining gradually for a while now, and this week, I finally just got too tired to keep up with being positive and hopeful.
So, now, I'm just back in defense/survival mode. I'm not positive, I'm not hopeful, I'm not really enjoying life... All of my time, I spend taking care of myself and just trying to make it through the day, one day at a time.
Lately, it's like I've been slowly sinking in quicksand, but I was still keeping up my good attitude. I was like, "I'll be fine! I'll find something to grab onto, or someone will pull me out! I'll make it out of this!" I didn't really worry about it, but then before I knew it, my arms went under too, and so I definitely wasn't going to be able to get myself out of it. I waited for someone else to pull me out or to find me a solution, and now I feel like it's up to my eyes and there's nothing I can do.
It's past the point of no return. There's no quick fixes anymore. This will easily take a month or more before I'll feel "normal" again. I'm still sinking too, and that's what sucks the most. Things are still worsening...
Everyone else my age is working and partying full time. They're making money, having adventures, making memories, having fun... And then there's me. Still here. Still stuck. Still sick.
There's such a huge gap between me and the other people my age. I feel so disconnected to my generation. I can't relate at all, and they can't relate to me either. Granted, it's been this way for a few years now, but it doesn't really make it any easier. It doesn't mean I don't still wish I was normal. Of course I still wish I was normal! With a life like mine, where I take 30 pills a day and always sleep like sh*t, who wouldn't still wish they could be normal?!
I've felt like the outsider looking in, the past 4 years of my life, and I'm deeply, truly, utterly, and just completely tired.
I'm tired of being and feeling so disconnected and misunderstood. I'm tired of barely having a social life. I'm tired of never having the energy to do anything. I'm tired of the constant pain. I'm tired of being an insomniac. I'm tired of this being my life. I'm tired of being sick, and I'm so goddamn f*cking tired of being tired!! I'm tired every day of my life, and I can't even express how tired I am of that!!!!
People ask me how I am.
I say I'm tired.
People laugh and say I always say that.
I mentally burn down an imaginary city.
Long story short is I'm not doing well. I'm really not okay. I haven't been for a while, but I'm now finally just accepting that I can't run from this, and I just need to try to get through this as best as I can. I can't fake my way through it anymore. In every way, I'm beyond tired. You can't even imagine how deeply tired I am....
I'm slipping. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll fall back into a full depression fairly soon. I normally very rarely cry, so the fact that I've cried 5 times in a week....It's just not very reassuring. I have a bad feeling....
My therapist said, from the way I talked about all the things that have been depressing me lately (the things that are making me cry so much), that it sounds like I'm grieving. I told my mom that, and she said it actually does make sense. We're coming up on the 4 year anniversary of when I first got sick and my life fell apart. I didn't cry at all the whole first year and a half of me being sick, if not longer than that. I was so numb, that I actually physically couldn't cry. In-and-amongst-that, I acquired some bad habits connected to my depression. I used to avoid feelings like the plague, and anyone who knew me then can vouch for that. Meaning, for the first few years of my illness, I didn't grieve all the things I lost, at least not properly.
In the past year, oddly, whenever I would start to get genuinely happy, things from my past would come to the surface very suddenly and would make me break down. I've cried more in this last year than I have EVER. It's terrible. I absolutely hate crying. Crying never makes me feel good. Crying almost always just makes me feel worse. I avoided all of those things, and crying, for so long though. So, as much as my instincts tell me to keep avoiding them, I know I need to let myself feel these things. I need to grieve the things I lost. I need the grieve the life I used to have, the person I used to be... It's been a solid year of letting myself feel, process, and legitimately let myself let go of things from my past. It's been a long and VERY hard process, and I'm still sifting through more of it.
The anniversary of when I got sick always really gets to me... I'm really not okay right now. I'm depressed. I'm really angry, and sad, and disappointed, and heartbroken, and anything but happy... I hurt, and I feel all of those things so deeply right now. It's just really deep rooted. I hate so many things right now, especially how much I've been crying lately, but this is part of my healing process. I can't shut feelings out forever. I know I need to just let myself feel it. I need to grieve.
What I said to one of my best friends this week was, "I'm not okay, but I will be..."
My therapist said, from the way I talked about all the things that have been depressing me lately (the things that are making me cry so much), that it sounds like I'm grieving. I told my mom that, and she said it actually does make sense. We're coming up on the 4 year anniversary of when I first got sick and my life fell apart. I didn't cry at all the whole first year and a half of me being sick, if not longer than that. I was so numb, that I actually physically couldn't cry. In-and-amongst-that, I acquired some bad habits connected to my depression. I used to avoid feelings like the plague, and anyone who knew me then can vouch for that. Meaning, for the first few years of my illness, I didn't grieve all the things I lost, at least not properly.
In the past year, oddly, whenever I would start to get genuinely happy, things from my past would come to the surface very suddenly and would make me break down. I've cried more in this last year than I have EVER. It's terrible. I absolutely hate crying. Crying never makes me feel good. Crying almost always just makes me feel worse. I avoided all of those things, and crying, for so long though. So, as much as my instincts tell me to keep avoiding them, I know I need to let myself feel these things. I need to grieve the things I lost. I need the grieve the life I used to have, the person I used to be... It's been a solid year of letting myself feel, process, and legitimately let myself let go of things from my past. It's been a long and VERY hard process, and I'm still sifting through more of it.
The anniversary of when I got sick always really gets to me... I'm really not okay right now. I'm depressed. I'm really angry, and sad, and disappointed, and heartbroken, and anything but happy... I hurt, and I feel all of those things so deeply right now. It's just really deep rooted. I hate so many things right now, especially how much I've been crying lately, but this is part of my healing process. I can't shut feelings out forever. I know I need to just let myself feel it. I need to grieve.
What I said to one of my best friends this week was, "I'm not okay, but I will be..."
I want my blog to be a place where I can open up and be vulnerable, and just be honest about me and my life. I want to write about the good things and the bad things, happy or sad...
That's the truth... And the truth is... I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!! 👿
~I'll continue with positive posts as soon as I can... Thank you for listening to me vent. Love S💜~
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