I feel lost.
I'm hurting so much, both physically and emotionally, and I don't actually have a desire to really try and fix that right now either. I've been stuck for so long, and I've been trying so hard to push through it all, but it's gotten me nowhere. I'm still backtracking, no matter how hard I try to push through it all. I had hope, and all that got me was hurt. The few times I actually let myself get even remotely hopeful, it comes crashing back down on me. I'm tired, and I just can't do this right now. I've been fighting off depression for so long and I'm just done fighting it. The last straw finally broke my back. Congratulations world, you've officially broken me, again.
We're soon coming up on the 4 year anniversary of me getting sick, and I feel nothing but sadness. It's so painful to think about how much of my life this illness has stolen from me. I've lost so much due to being sick...
As for today... People would never know, but I've been crying the majority of the last 24 hours. We've had a trip to Hawaii planned for a year now, assuming then that I would be much better by now. We were wrong though. I've been more stressed and worried about the trip the closer it kept getting, so much so, that I wasn't even excited for it. My gut instinct has been telling me that going on the trip would be really really bad for my health. But I followed along with my moms optimism for a while instead and tried to ignore my instincts. I got worse this weekend though, and then the next day I was worse, and the day after that I was worse. So today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision that I can't go to Hawaii. I weighed it a lot, and it was just a catch 22. Either I stay and be heartbroken and miserable at home, or I go and be sick and miserable there... In the end I decided I would rather just be miserable here than ware myself out and probably get more sick.
In and amongst all of me weighing the options, I actually figured out something interesting that I hadn't really realized before. I figured out that it would actually be harder on me emotionally to go to Hawaii than it would be to stay home. My mom was confused by me saying that, and to a lot of people I'm sure it won't make sense, but heres the thing... The last time we were in Hawaii was 4 years ago, right before I got sick. I was still myself, I was adventuring daily, I had energy, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was full of life and optimism and was ready to take on high school and then the world. I had plans, and big dreams. I was still myself. Then, everything changed. I lost everything, including myself when I got sick, and I didn't realize it but Hawaii represents everything I used to be.
So, going to Hawaii now and being too sick to do anything, too tired to go out, and just staying in the room all day would be extremely painful for me. It should be a fun trip. The change of scenery should be something that would make me so happy, but I know thats now how things are with me. Its not the same anymore. Things that used to make me happy and used to be "me", are all just a painful reminder of all that I've lost because of my illness. I've lost 4 years of my life to this. 4 years.
I know a lot of my emotional pain right now is because I cant stop thinking about how long I've been sick. Its a harsh reality that never gets easier to accept, and if anything, the longer I'm sick, the more it hurts me.
I've never really let myself feel so many emotions or be so sad about all of this, but I feel like thats past due. For years, my mom has told me I should cry and let myself feel the emotional pain of my illness, and now that I am doing that she's much more worried about me and has said I need to "heal and move past it." The problem with that though, is its hard to move past it when I'm stuck. I can't move past something I'm still in the middle of. It'll just take time.
In the meantime, I feel like I need to be alone. I don't want people to try to cheer me up, I don't want to talk about it a bunch with people, and frankly its because no one really understands. I know that sounds like some teen-agsty crap, but this actually is true. No one really understands. Only someone who's been sick for years could really understand this feeling. It's a feeling of deep disappointment, one that you get from repeatedly getting let down and hurt over and over, and its not the kind of disappointment you feel from being let down by people either. I have that feeling too, but this ones different. I hurt on so may deep levels that most people probably can't even imagine how I feel.
(If a picture could describe how I feel right now it'd be this one.)
I'm watching everyone my age get jobs, move away to college, travel the world, and have adventures.... Those were my dreams. Those were things I'd always seen myself doing at this age too. It's so extremely painful to watch everyone else going out and living their lives how I always wanted to too, and the worst part is I can't do a goddamn thing about my life.
I'm just stuck.
I'm not worried about how sad I am or how much I've been crying, or that I'm depressed and not really feeling like fighting anymore. I'm not giving up, but I need to feel all of this. I can't fight it right now, and frankly, I don't want to fight it anymore. I can't avoid feeling emotions forever. I just need to be broken for a while, and I'm okay with that.
The last thing I want to say is a short story, and it's actually not too depressive either. I had a friend say something to me a year ago, the context to it is too long of a story to tell, but she said (about herself), "I'm looking for happiness in the place where I lost it." I felt like that was so poetic and beautiful. I hoped that someday I would get to do that, but I didn't really know when or where exactly I lost my happiness. I realized this week that Hawaii is the place I was happy last, and that someday I'll have to do that. I'll have to go looking for happiness in the place that I lost it. Sadly, "someday" isn't now, and I'm tired that all I'm ever promised is elusive "somedays", but thats what I've got.
If any other sick people are reading this and can relate, feel free to message me if you need to vent to someone who understands your struggles.
I know this was a pretty depressive post, but thats the reality of how being chronically ill goes, you have to deal with a lot of depressing things. I'm deciding to post raw, vulnerable truths about how much I hurt emotionally, because in my early years of being sick I felt so alone because I never heard about anyone else feeling like I did. If just one person reads this and feels less alone then I've accomplished what I wanted to by publicly sharing my feelings.
Remember, it's okay to not be okay.
Nothing lasts forever.
I know this was a pretty depressive post, but thats the reality of how being chronically ill goes, you have to deal with a lot of depressing things. I'm deciding to post raw, vulnerable truths about how much I hurt emotionally, because in my early years of being sick I felt so alone because I never heard about anyone else feeling like I did. If just one person reads this and feels less alone then I've accomplished what I wanted to by publicly sharing my feelings.
Remember, it's okay to not be okay.
Nothing lasts forever.
I hope someday you all find happiness in the place where you lost it.
Heres to someday...
🌌🌙💙
~July 27, 2016 • 4am~
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