"How do you get through it?"

"How do you get through it?"

My therapist asked me this question the other day when I saw her, and honestly, I still don't have a solid answer for it. I get asked often, "How do you do it?", and a lot of times I don't really know how to answer that because I ask myself that same question a lot too. 

How do I do it?

My life is a combination of a lot of things that are all very delicately balanced. My life is like one big, very elaborate balancing act. -- Like one of those acrobats who piles up 20 round cylinder things and then stands on the top while juggling an armful of fragile plates. It's all so delicate. If one thing goes wrong, then my entire life and the whole balancing act turns into a domino effect. If just one thing gets out of balance, it all comes crashing down. 

This year for me has been a terrible loop of the domino effect ruining my intricate balancing acts. Every time I start building myself back up, something tips me off and then I'm back to square one. It's just been a seemingly endless loop of that! This year has been my "Groundhog Day." You know, that one Bill Murray movie where his character "is focred to live the same Feb. 2 over and over again until he gains some karmic -- and comic -- insight into his life." That's how google just summarized the movie and definitely "comic insight" is accurate to my life. But now I'm sitting here wondering what the hell kind of "karmic insight" I deserve. If karma is the reason for my years of suffering, well then I must've been one hell of a person in my past life. I'm shaking my head haha. 

Regardless of the mysterious reasons behind me being in this situation, this year really has been the same thing over and over again. I've had bad years before too, to say the least, but the things that went wrong before were always different. Having this year be filled with the same things repeatedly going wrong over and over again, I'm not actually sure which of the two scenarios is more frustrating. 

Both. 

Definitely both. 

That's my final answer. 

Before leaving home to go see my therapist, my mom took one look at me as soon as I walked in the room, and she got this look on her face. It's a look I've seen countless times over the last four years. It's her look of, "You're not okay today. Today's a bad day." 

I'd said nothing. I'd done nothing different than any other morning. I was dressed in real clothes, which is actually unusual for me. Usually being dressed means it's an okay day. But that wasn't the case. 

After four years of practically being inseparable, my mom and I are very connected. We have a lot of unspoken communication by now. Without a single word being said, we both knew it wasn't a good day, in any sense. 

I got my food as always and sat at the kitchen counter, both things I would do on an average day, but my mom was still giving me "the look." I could feel her watch me from the second I walked in the room, the whole time I got food, and then as I sat down to start eating. 

"You have the darkest aura that you've had in a long time." She said. 

I only just pursed my lips in response as if to silently say, "It just is what is today."

I don't feel overly depressed. I've been much worse countless times before. I don't feel overly sad or mad. In fact, I don't feel much of anything other than just being deeply tired...in every way. 

I don't feel like I'm mentally in that bad of a place right now, but I can feel how dark of an energy I'm putting out. It seems to be worse every day too. I feel heavy. I feel weighed down. I felt like the weather that day. I woke up to dark cloudy skies and rain, and that felt fitting. As the sky grew darker and the rain continued to steadily fall, I felt the same. What once was sunshine turned into occasional fog. In time, around me, fog started to thicken into clouds. Then the clouds gradually covered the sky and blocked out the light. The clouds thickened and darkened, getting heavier and heavier until finally, it forced the rain to fall. The clouds are continuing to darken as the storm keeps rolling in, and the rain seems to penetrate deeper with every drop. 

I'm deep in a storm that I can't get out of. What used to be pretty rain, softened the ground too much and now I'm sinking. Once I start sinking, I get stuck, and once I get stuck, I know I won't be escaping "the storm" anytime soon. 

I don't feel like I'm mentally in that bad of a place right now, but I know that the dark energy around me is just a sign for what's to come. I've been through enough depressions to know how this goes. Sometimes the dark energy precedes the depressed mental state. In other words, my personal little dark cloud that follows me around everywhere sometimes appears and grows darker before I start really feeling it.

I know no one could read that and still believe that I'm not deeply depressed, but I'm really not. I feel more so stuck within my situation rather than depressed by my thoughts. Which I will gladly take this over having my mind eat away at itself. That type of depression is much worse. 

Don't get me wrong, I am depressed, and I am on the edge of being stuck in that type of depression too. But I'm still managing to keep my balancing act going and I haven't completely fallen yet. I'm trying my best to not slip into that type of depression, but I have a feeling I won't be able to avoid it too much longer. I feel like it's inevitable. Plus, with the way my life has been going, I'm sure something else will go wrong and I will end up in that place...again. 

At this point, you could stop reading if you want to, because from this point on I'm going to try and actually explain how I get through things. This can be for anyone who's just personally curious, or (preferably) for someone who's struggling and needs to know how they can get through hard things in their life. If you're sick too, if you're struggling and asking yourself questions like, "How can I get through this?" Well, I'll try my best to share how I do it...

Lately, I've been asking myself a lot of questions just like the one my therapist asked me (the title of this post.) "How did I used to do this?" "How am I going to do this?" "How can I keep fighting?" "How can I not give up?" 

I've realized that if you were to weigh my life into a list of pros and cons for if I should give up or keep fighting, the list for reasons to give up are much more substantial than the ones to keep fighting. There are a hell of a lot more reasons telling me I should give up and quit. Logically, it makes way more sense to cut my losses at this point. If this were poker and my life was the cards I was dealt, I would NEVER bet on me. I was dealt such a shitty hand!! Logically, it doesn't make sense for me to keep trying. 

So...


How do you keep fighting when you have every reason not to? 

It's like that Lady Gaga song! "I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away... but I just need one good one to stay."

That is my biggest challenge. I have to find reasons to stay, strong reasons that will cancel out all the logical reasons for me to give up. 

My best advice I could give anyone is that. Find that one reason. Find a really good, solid, unwavering reason and hold onto that for dear life. Never let it go. 

Family was that thing for me. I stayed alive only for them...for a very long time. I kept fighting only for them. I would never put them through losing me. If I do die, I damn sure will be fighting until the end. I made my mom a promise that I would never give up and willingly put them through losing me. I fully intend to keep that promise. I never make promises I don't intend to keep. 

It would be easier to let go. As a realist I'm very aware of that logically it makes much more sense to stop trying. As a person who isn't enjoying life and struggles to get through every day, I don't want to have to do this any more. I want to give up. For me personally, I don't want to do this anymore. 

But for them, I will fight until my last breath. 

Family is my one reason. It defies all odds and counteracts all and anything that will ever go up against it. It's not something that can be challenged. It's unwavering. 

Find your one reason.

How do I do it? 

(in more depth)

I try my best. 

🌸 Acceptance is important, but there's a balance to that. I need acceptance so that I can be happy. If I grudgingly hate my entire situation, then I'll be deeply unhappy and depressed, probably very angry too. I have to accept that this is my life and I'm doing my best to live within the circumstances. 

The balance to that is if I accept my situation too wholly, then I won't fight anymore. If I fully accept this as my life, then I won't have a desire to change it. If I have no desire to change or better it, then I'll stop fighting it, and if I stop fighting it then I'll die. 

Which leads perfectly to the next point...

🌸 Accepting death was a huge part of me getting through life. Death used to be my biggest fear, which I always found ironic because I was Christian and was supposed to believe in heaven. Having that should've made me not fear death, and yet I did. 

4 years ago, I left religion behind, just coincidentally before I got sick. When I got sick, I debated going back to religion, hoping that maybe it would give me peace and comfort, but I'd never felt any connection to religion my entire life. So, I took a break from it and tried to focus more on myself and just letting myself freely search for peace. During my break from religion, I actually found inner peace, and I stopped fearing death too. It really didn't take me too long either. It only took me 3 months or so, and I just suddenly found this deep inner peace and I accepted death too. 

Looking back on the sudden deep inner peace that I had and my acceptance of death, it's kind of unsettling. People typically only get that comfortable with death and get that deeply at peace if they're dying, and I was. I was seeing people too, which totally doesn't help the whole dying case either because when people die they commonly start seeing "people." Looking back on all of that, I now understand why my mom was so freaked out when I told her about my sudden new mindset.

Overall, not only was accepting death good for me and relieved me of a lot of anxiety about both life and death, it was freeing. I'm not sure if the inner peace or acceptance of death came first, but the combination of having both of those things in my life was truly the best feeling I've ever felt. There's nothing like that feeling. It's so light and it feels so positive and lifting. It felt like how I always wanted religion to feel, but so much better. It could best be compared to how enlightenment is defined : "the action or state of attaining or having attained spiritual knowledge or insight, in particular (in Buddhism) that awareness which frees a person from the cycle of rebirth." In fact, by Buddhism's definition of enlightenment and how to attain it, I've done it.

Buddhism says that the road to enlightenment takes four steps. They're also called the "four noble truths", which are taught by ones who have reached enlightenment. So I mean, since I've been there I guess I should by definition be teaching this, or in the least share how I got there.

1.  Dukkha - It means anything that is "uneasy, uncomfortable, unpleasant, difficult, causing pain, sadness, suffering, sorrow, grief, etc..." ✅
2. Samudaya - In short, it's the concept of craving or clinging to impermanent things. In the craving for those things it produces karma which leads to more "rebirths." ✅
3. Nirodha - By stopping craving things you shouldn't, nirvana is attained. Nirvana is another word for enlightenment. It's the highest state of happiness and peace. Within nirvana you're fully at peace, you have no suffering or desire. ✅
4. Magga - Is essentially just maintaining enlightenment and the state of nirvana. ✅

I had extreme pain on a daily basis, literally 24/7. Due to my situation, I was forced to let go of the things I wanted to cling to. I had nothing left except my family and I had to find peace with that. Once I let go, I found true, deep inner peace that I didn't even know could be a thing. It's defined as the highest possible level of peace and happiness and I assure you, that's how it felt. 

At the time, I didn't know that that's what I'd done. I didn't know I essentially reached enlightenment and that I should maintain that, it really just maintained itself for a long time. I didn't know I needed to practice to keep it going though so it's faded in time. I know I can get back to that feeling though because whenever things get bad, even if it happens very suddenly, I click right back into that zen state of mind, and that has helped me immensely over the years. 

I'm not exactly recommending chasing enlightenment for everyone. I know it definitely wasn't my intention to attain that, it just happened naturally for me. But I know for sure, the effects of getting past my fear of death was one of the best things I think I could've done for myself. Yes, I was 14 and I fully accepted death as a very real possibility for me, and that's terrible that I had to do that. But, once you accept death, which is the ultimate worst case scenario, it changes everything. It's hard to fear anything when you stop fearing death. (There's an added warning at the bottom, on the topic of accepting death.)

🌸 Finding a balance of how much hope I should have took a long time. Having no hope makes you too depressive and pessimistic, having too much makes you too optimistic and will get you hurt a lot. Especially in my case where I have a lot of let downs in my life. I had to find a happy medium of having some level of hopes, but I stay mostly realistic.

🌸 Finding positive things to fill your life with. Think simple and small. Laughter is my favorite. I watch all comedy and happy things. It's small and simple and is easy to go to in short notice. It takes no energy to put on a comedy show. Music is another go-to of mine. 

🌸 Finding outlets to help vent emotions is very important. I see a therapist weekly to vent. I write almost daily. I listen to music almost daily. I try to sing or play music as often as I can. Venting is crucial to maintaining sanity. Don't bottle things up, take it from me that's not a good long term solution. It'll catch up to you. 

🌸 Finding solid, stable things in your life that can't and won't waver. Family is my rock. My family and their love and support will never be taken or change no matter how bad I get. My best friend has been a rock for me. My boyfriend has really been there for me. I know they'll be there. 

My family is the biggest thing though (like I said before.) They're the true foundation to my life. They're solid. When worst comes to worst they're still there and they're still solid. 

🌸 The biggest and most important thing for anyone to get through life is simple... 

Try your best.

I'm not talking about the absolute best you could possibly give either. Chasing perfection is destructive and unrealistic, especially when you're just wanting to do your best, and there's a balance to trying your best too. It's about trying your best within your circumstances.
I'm trying my best given the circumstances. So, I can't be mad or blame myself at all because I know I'm doing my best. 

That's it. 

Those are the main things that I do to get through it. That's how I've gotten through life when I was at my worst, and it's how I'm transitioning back into to get trough life right now.

I'm finding the balance of acceptance and hope. I'm coming back to peace with death. I'm trying to have as much positivity and good energy in my life as possible and blocking out as much of the negotiates as I can. I'm trying to use my outlets in smart ways. Plus, I'm leaning on my core solid things more. -- Aka my family, best friend, and BF. 

Everyone's different. Everyone copes differently. Everyone has different comforts. Everyone has different things that make them feel better. So, the things that worked for me may not work for others. I'm not recommending to do what I did, I'm just sharing what I did. However, I do truly believe that focusing on positivity rather than negativity goes a really long way in life.

Regardless of anything do 3 things:

1. Try your best. 
2. Find that "one reason."
3. Embrace as much positivity as you can, in any given situation. 

Important!

As an added note and warning for coming to peace with death, be careful with that and know your limits. It's very important to find something very strong and solid to keep you here and keep you alive before you go accepting death.

Accepting death isn't about giving-in to it, it's about not fearing it so that you can LIVE in peace.

Whenever I start getting too comfortable with the thought of dying, I think about how much pain it would cause the people I love to lose me. There is nothing that hurts me more than having the people I love hurt. I would take all the pain in the world rather than have them hurt, and I literally do. I stay and I live in constant pain, so that they won't have to hurt by losing me. 

I said it 4 years ago when I first got sick, and I stand by it to this day; I'm glad it was me. I'm glad it wasn't someone else. I'm glad it wasn't my brother or one of my parents or someone I love. I think it was me for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. No one deserves the kind of pain I live with, but I can take it. I can handle it. I always knew I could handle it, and I really don't think many others could.


Bonus advice: Find silver-lineings. That one ⬆️ is mine.



(I wrote this over a month ago and never posted it. I don't really know why. Reading it now I think its great.)