I can't believe I'm turning 19 tomorrow. It feels weird. It feels like I shouldn't be turning 19 yet. Plus the fact that I'm so unhappy right now makes it feel like "How could I be having a birthday? I'm SO unhappy. I should be happy if my birthday is tomorrow."
It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive. This isn't where I thought I'd be by this age. This isn't what I'd imagined. This isn't what I'd always hope for. I had so many hopes and dreams and it's all just gone. It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it. I'm the type of person that I always see things coming. I plan, I'm intuitive, I'm observant, I brace myself for what I foresee coming in life, and I never miss stuff. I'm almost always able to anticipate life. But I never planned for this. I never saw this coming. Obviously me first getting sick was a blind side but I always felt that by this age, by college I would surely be better by then. Right? I had to be. That'd be unimaginable to be sick for over 4 years. But the unimaginable happened, so here I am, and I'm at a complete loss for what to do or think.
Where am I supposed to go from here?
4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either.
4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming.
I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!
So much has gone on in the last 4 years too! I've had plenty of very high points and obviously lots of lows, but the fact that all this time later I'm LITERALLY in the exact same place absolutely kills me.
I may as well have just been doing nothing all this time because I'm in the same goddamn place anyway. It completely invalidates everything I've done for the last 4 years.
Coming to realize all of that has done a few things to me.
1. I'm suicidal, and the fact that I'm back to being this bad breaks my heart.
2. I'm pissed as FUCK. I was going to say hell, but sorry not sorry "hell" just ain't cutting it today. This is a fuck moment okay. I. Am. Pissed. Off. As. Fuckkkk!
3. I had a total panic attack/mental breakdown this week. Haven't had one of those in a long time, so as you can probably guess I'm both mad and sad about that.
4. I feel lost.
5. I feel confused.
6. I have no drive left. I've come 360 right back to where I started and way too literally am in the exact same place as 4 years ago, and I just feel done. I don't want to do this anymore, and honestly I'm starting to not see the point of trying anymore. Why fucking try if after 4 years of constant hard work I've gotten absolutely no where?
You try and answer that.
Gone on, try.
Imagine being in my place and 4 years of excruciating pain and constant trial and error and failure and picking yourself back up and trying again and again and again...4 YEARS!...4 years of your entire life revolving around you trying your absolute hardest to get better, and then you're in the same goddamn place.
Now you imagine how you'd feel.
I bet you can't blame me for wanting to give up.
So, I guess we should talk about why I don't give up. Why in the 4 years of constant hardship have I not given up? My family. I'd be dead without them. I would gladly be dead as of mmmm probably 4 years ago had I not had my family. Just the pure fact that I can't put them through losing me because I know how much it would hurt them, that keeps me alive. Continuing to try despite my constant failures... that ones harder. I found out I actually can't physically give up. It goes against everything I am. Which pisses me off. It'd be easier to give up but I'm just so stubborn and I can't. A lot of the time I wish I could give up.
Have I really made no progress in 4 years?
No
Am I EXACTLY in the same place as 4 years ago?
Yes haha. Literally. Same exact place.
Am I EXACTLY the same?
Helllll no.
A foot less of hair, probably an inch taller, 4-5 years older, I have a boyfriend, I have a child (he's a puppy haha), I actually have some friends (4 years ago at this time I had none. Literally. I had zero friends. Just my family.), I have a high school diploma and a valedictorian medal to show for all my hard academic work, I have a guitar that I love with all of my heart, I have scars all over my back that I didn't have 4 years ago that will forever remind me of everything I've been through...
So much has happened. So much has changed. I've changed immensely. I don't feel like the same person at all. 4 years ago I didn't used to cry. 3 years ago I didn't used to cry. Hell just one year ago I barely cried. But now, in the last 6 months I've cried so much. That is a product of me pushing myself to deal with a lot of things I've suppressed and avoided for years. I pushed myself to grow and embracing that I needed to cry over things from my past was a big part of that. I communicate sooooo much better by now. I'm much more in tuned with my body. I'm a really good writer by now. I have a YouTube page and I sing in videos and I have 2 blogs that I love to write for. I'm more open and so much less afraid. I'm more confident in who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I'm a survivor. It's just what I do. I survive.
Currently.... I'm quite literally struggling to survive. I'm having allergic reactions to everything and all foods. Sooooo my body doesn't exactly want me to be alive and my mind is starting to believe that too. It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to. But I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of.
I still have a lot of things to show for all the things I've done in the last 4 years, but the fact that I'm literally in the same place and I know that mentally (depression/anxiety wise) this is where I was at 4 years ago, it's so hard on me. I never stop trying my absolute hardest and yet I'm always just stuck. Right now, I'm helplessly backsliding and it's just killing me. All of 2016 I spent desperately clawing to try and make progress and I only just kept backsliding more and more. Now a new year has started and nothing changed. I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away.
So... 4 years later here I am writing, just like how I always do.
I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me.
At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this.
I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it?
I hope not.
I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something...
I know tomorrow is going to be hard and sad day for me, to do nothing and feel so depressed on my birthday. It's going to gut me. I know I'm bound to cry tomorrow. Hell, just thinking about my birthday being tomorrow and knowing I feel nothing but sadness makes me want to cry now. It's gonna be a rough day. But it just is what it is. This is my life. Sadly. I just have to make the most of it.
The biggest difference between now and 4 years ago is tonight I'm going to fall asleep with my puppy and I'll wake up to his cute little face and that look of unconditional love. That's priceless.
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