I'm not shy. I have trauma.

I wrote this recently and broke it into parts for Instagram post captions. You can check out my IG Halloween posts to see what costumes I put these with.  

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/_heyo_its_mayo_/

🦋Part 1 ~ I’m not shy. I have trauma. 

I’m not shy when I’m alone, I’m not shy when I’m with pets/animals/wildlife, I’m not shy when I’m in nature, I’m not shy when I’m having fun...

I’m just shy around people, and this is only because I have trauma. What I have isn’t even shyness, it’s fear. It’s fear of abandonment. 

I’ve always not only been uncomfortable being seen, I’ve always *feared* being seen. 

When I was a kid I wanted shrinking, invisibility, and flight to be my superpowers. - Shrinking and invisibility to make myself disappear, flight to be able to leave quickly. 

I’ve always hid. I also have spent my life dimming myself, out of fear of being “too much.” 

I push myself to share, and I push myself to stop hiding, stop shrinking, stop dimming, stop disappearing, stop being flighty. I push myself to be seen, even though it scares me. 

👯‍♀️Part 2 ~ I’m not camera shy, although I used to be. 

I got past that by only having a small handful of close friends on Snapchat and letting myself be my full, unfiltered, silly self there. Once I got past my camera shyness, I got a YouTube channel. 

I have no fear being on camera (being on video, or being photographed) because it’s something I worked through over the course of a few years. 

But some things (blogs, videos, pictures, captions) give me anxiety when I think about sharing it, when I think about people seeing it...seeing me. 

The act of creating it I feel fine, it’s just when I acknowledge that I’ll be seen by others that I sometimes hesitate. 

I can’t tell you how many things I haven’t posted over the years because of that moment when I hesitate and overthink. 

💃🏻Part 3 ~ The people closest to me, the ones who know how much of a silly, sassy goofball I am, they know I’m not really shy. 

I’m more of an introverted extrovert. I love alone time, I actually need alone time to recharge, but I have times when I love being around others, having fun, laughing until we cry, etc. 

The people closest to me know that when I’m not overthinking I’m not shy at all. 

🦄Part 4 ~ Since my teens I’ve been gradually pushing myself more and more to stop hiding and just be myself. 

Interestingly, when I was a kid, when people would ask me what I want to be when I grow up I used to say “I just want to be me.” I didn’t realize how deep and true that was until I was in therapy in my teens. 

I just want to be me. 

I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want my confidence to be true and embodied. I want to genuinely love my body. I want to unapologetically shine my brightest. I want to do and pursue whatever I desire without trauma making me hesitate. I want to feel safe. I want to learn to trust again. 

🐍Part 5 ~ Trust was my word of the year for 2020. It came to me randomly in late December. 

Themes of 2020 for me was... — Trust in self. Trust in body. Trust in soul. Trust in intuition. Trust in spirit. Trust in earth. Trust in others. Others trusting me. 

Evolve, Transformation, and Authenticity are my words of the year for 2021. Again, those came to me on their own. 

Themes of this year for me has been... — Not fearing change. Allowing myself to evolve and transform. Allowing myself to flow freely. Embracing my authenticity. 

Paradoxically, I’m both evolving forwards and backwards at the same time. Some things emerging are brand new, but many things that are coming in are merely resurfacing. There’s so many old pieces of myself returning that I either hid away or I thought it died off years ago. I feel like I’m getting to get to know myself all over again. I’m remembering my authenticity. 

I’m not shy... 

And the trauma and all the bullshit that has boxed me in and manifestiated as shyness and hesitation and fear and distrust... it can fuck right off. 🖕🏻

🦒Part 6 ~ Moving forward, if you’re surprised to see more of who I am, just remember that the ONLY reason I’ve EVER boxed myself in is because of the trauma, and that trauma has eaten away at me my entire life. I’ve eroded internally and I’m not fucking doing this anymore. 

If you’re surprised to see more of who I am, just know that who you see is no longer caged and feels imprisoned in her body or in her mind, she’s free, and she’s really really happy. 

I’m really happy.  

🧙🏻‍♀️Part 7 ~ To the season of death

To the season of rebirth

To leaving behind what is no longer needed

To carrying forward all that still serves us

To bringing life back to the things that were not meant to die

To life and this crazy, wild, wonderful, infinite circle♻️

To the darkness, the light, and everything in between

I give it all love

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💗🖤☯️

Happy witchy new year 🧙🏻‍♀️

Happy Halloween 🎃

Happy fall 🍂

"let the walls crack, and let the light in"

Honestly, I’ve cried almost every day this week. Life has felt so chaotic and emotional lately, but peeling away the layers feels...liberating. Bare, but liberating. 

My creativity is flowing, and much like how I’ve been handling my emotions lately, I’m not trying to contain it or force it to be anything. Scattered emotions? Cool! Let’s flow with it. ADHD creative brain? Rad! Let’s write it all out so I can utilize all of these bomb ideas over time. I’m just trying to let myself be. I’m trying to hold space for myself as lovingly as I hold space for others. 

Amidst the chaos, I started to feel lost. There was a day this week that suddenly it felt like the floor disappeared beneath me. I felt completely out of my body and like I was floating. I started to question everything, and was obsessively looking backwards, unable to peel my eyes away from my past. It was like tunnel vision. All I could see was the bad, the lack, and I started to spiral internally. So, I sat on the floor, and I gave myself the time and space I needed to process. I cried, and I wrote. Although I was in a place of pain, the words that came out of me were beautiful, and I may even turn it into a children's book someday. 

Then, a few really cool synchronic things popped into my world this week, and combined, it was the pep talk I was needing. 

✨I talked to an author and he gave priceless advice and encouraged me to keep pursuing my writing. The conversation was validating as hell. I’m not lost, I am on the right track. I was just walking blindly for a hot minute there. Props to me for continuing to move forward even though I was unsure too. 

✨This week, one of my best friends said, “This is how far we’ve come while constantly beating ourselves up. Imagine how much more we could do if we didn’t beat ourselves up?” 

Wow. Profound right?  

✨Last night, my wonderful (soon to be) hubby said, “You’ve spent your life doing what you want and not conforming or settling. Why start now?” 

Yeah, I needed that one too. (💕ILYSM. This is why I’m marrying you. You get me.)

✨This week, I also watched two documentaries and omg so good.😭 Strip Down/Rise Up (a pole dancing docu on Netflix) and Pink’s new tour documentary, All I Know So Far, on Prime were both SO good. I highly suggest it all. It totally resonated. 

💖It all comes back around to one of my “words of the year” - authenticity. 💖

If you’ve read this far, hi. Sending you love and a hug. I know shits hard sometimes, but keep going and keep being you. 💕

Feel your pain or use it, but don’t run from it. Trust me, emotions aren’t something we can outrun. So, sit down, feel it, love yourself through it all, and maybe eventually you can use that pain as a power rather than a weakness. Shadowwork, my dudes. How can you turn your weaknesses, your wounds, your pain, your fears into a power? How has it made you stronger? (And it has made you stronger, so keep thinking on that until you find the answer) 

Lately, I’ve been appreciating that all of my trauma has made me a beautiful writer. As Ernest Hemming way said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” Writing was my lifeline, and still is. I wrote through everything, and not only did that lighten my load, it also turned my pain into a power. 

I finished writing my first novel, Finding Serenity, recently and it’s a story that I wrote my fucking heart into. The parts of the story that make you cry, I cried while writing it. The parts that make you laugh, I laughed while writing it. 

Immediately after finishing that book, I started working on what will be my next few books, and guess what? My heart is written into those stories too! The pain, the humor, the emotions, the overthinking, the love — It’s all coming from the heart. Even if I fictionalize things, it’s still rooted in very real places. *Hello, authenticity*

 

Apparently, all the shit I’ve been through in life makes me a great storyteller. So, as much as I’d like to have bypassed those long years of trauma, it made me who I am. I found my voice at rock bottom, and now, no matter where I go I feel that depth in everything. Everything. I'm rooted at rock bottom, so that's what you hear in my voice, that's what you feel from me. You feel how rock bottom forever changed me. The darkness is a part of me, just as much as the light. I work hard to honor all of it and love myself through all of my colors, and I write through all of it too. 

Every word I write, I feel deeply. 

...And that damn sure is a power. 

My darkness is not a weakness. 

My cracks let the light in. 

Some bomb songs I've been vibing with this week.

"Let the walls crack Cause it lets the light in Let ‘em drag you through hell They can’t tell you to change who you are And when the storms out You run in the rain Put your sword down Dive right into the pain Stay unfiltered and loud You be proud of that skin full of scars

That's All I Know So Far"

-pink

All I Know So Far - Pink 

(Bro, I ugly cried. This hit so deep.)

Don't Talk Me Down - Jojo 

(use headphones, close your eyes, vibe, omg chills guaranteed. This whole album is incredible. Jojo has one of the best voices/artistry of this time.)

YouTube Milestones

I reached 2k subscribers on YouTube, AND I got my first payment for being monetized! 😻😭💕

I am a paid YouTuber! 🙌🏻 

I’ve been doing YouTube since 2015, and it took me 5 years to get the first 1k subs. It only took 7 months to get the next 1k. That just blows me away. 

Obviously, I haven’t been doing this for fame or recognition, because for the first 5 years I didn’t have much of an audience. I also haven’t been doing YouTube for the money either, because until TODAY I have not made a penny doing YouTube. Not a single cent! 

I’ve been doing this for YEARS. I put my heart into every video, and I’ve done this because I love it. It’s fun. It brings me joy, and amazingly it brings other people joy too. 

I actually first got into YouTube (starting out by making music covers) because I was suffering through my insomnia and wanted a late night hobby. 

Then I started sharing about my health journey, how I was chronically ill thru my teens, how I almost died, how my friend (who had the same illnesses) did die. 

Eventually, once I found healing I got to start sharing about how I healed, how I got into remission, how I’ve found peace and joy in life despite everything I’ve been through. 

In 2020 I finally started to share about my spirituality and how that’s not only a massive part of who I am, but that it’s a part of how I healed, and how I’ve found so much happiness. 

When I say I put my heart into every video, I really mean that. 

As a person who spent most of my life hiding parts who I am, or being alone, it has been so healing to share. It has also been so healing to be seen, and to be heard. I can’t even express how rewarding it is that my sharing has actually helped other people too. 

For YEARS people have left comments or sent me messages thanking me for my sharing. They share such vulnerable things with me about how they relate to my life experiences, how my sharing has helped them feel less alone, how it’s inspired them, or uplifted them.  

I have cried so many happy years over the years reading the things people send me. There have been many times where the kind words of strangers reminds me why I’m still here too. 

Basically, this is my long-winded version of saying thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for the overwhelming amount of kind words, support, encouragement, and sometimes even prayers for my healing. Thank you for the love. 

I’m so grateful to be doing things that I love and am passionate about. 🙏🏻💗

Obviously, I’ve been happy doing this for free, but money is an unexpected cherry on top. 🍒 

Making money as a YouTuber... Ha! How surreal?! I really never expected this. But I’m grateful. 💕

Thank you. 

My YouTube Channel

Covers (my start on YouTube)

Health & Healing Videos

Spiritual Videos 

Ps. I wanted to share the Facebook Memory notification I got today too. 6 years later, to the day. From the most invisible I've ever felt, to here. The invisible girl is finally being seen. 

“You don’t have to share.”

“You don’t have to share.” - This is something a lot of people have told me over the years. Family, friends, practical strangers, really, a lot of people have told me this. “You don’t have to share.” “You don’t have to share so much of yourself/about yourself.” “You don’t have to put that out there for everyone to know.” 

I had a health flare start in October 2020 and I struggled in the winter. I took a whole month off totally by my own choice too. But in that month and in the rest of winter I found many people telling me those phrases. Just in the past week I've had a few people say it to me. 

Beings that it’s recent and fresh on my mind I thought I’d share about this. 

Health, Spirituality, Personal

Not only have I had people tell me this about my health, they also say this about my spirituality too. Really, it’s been a theme in my life since I was in the single digits that a lot of people tell me, “You don’t have to share…”

I assume for many it comes from a good place of wanting to reassure me that if I feel obligated to share, I don’t have to. I don’t have to share if I don’t want to. I shouldn’t feel forced to share. I assume that’s what they mean. I can’t know for sure though because no has ever clarified. 

I would guess that some people may be taking an angle of wanting to protect me too. Knowing that the things I share could open me up to getting hurt, they encourage me not to share as a way to try and protect me. 

What people don't know...

What people don’t know, because I never have shared this, is that when people tell me things like that, although I can logically rationalize what they may mean, to me it feels different. It feels like they’re actually saying, “You shouldn’t share. It would be better for everyone if you just keep that all to yourself. I and everyone else will like you more if you just keep quiet.” 

Now, the reason I internally feel that way is because when I was very young I did have people say that phrasing. Also when I was young I tried to tell a few peers about my spiritual connection and it was not received well. So I closed up. Then in my teens when I got sick I tried to open up to friends or new friends, and everyone always just left right away. The evidence I’ve been shown in life is that people DO like me more when I don’t share about who I really am. 

Not only that, but I went to a private school for 12 years and I would get in trouble for speaking up or questioning things. What school taught me was that being quiet and obedient is what what’s good, that’s what everyone wanted from me. 

I’ve always been quiet. I was always a quiet kid. But no one asked why I was quiet. 

What people don’t know is I’ve practically spent my entire life staying quiet because I felt like I had to, because this is what everyone wants and likes. This is what’s accepted. This is the only way I’ll be accepted — if I’m quiet and obedient and don’t voice my opinions and don’t share who I am and show that I’m different. It’s better if I shut up and blend in. Be normal, do something normal with my life. That’s what I’ve been taught by the world. 

What people don’t know is that being quiet (as I’ve always been) hurts me, down to a soul level. That isn’t me. That isn’t authentic to who I am to just silence so much of myself. 

What people don’t realize is I’ve always wanted to share. I’ve always wanted to show who I am, but every time I’ve begun to tons of people just rush in giving some form of the same sentiment, “You don’t have to share.” It happens every single time. 

I have more to say that what I speak

I do think I’m naturally a soft-spoken person. I can be a person of few words depending on the situation. But what I think comes loud and clear through the way that I write is there is so much more that I have to say than what I physically speak. I write far more than what I speak. 

Writing has been a sort of safe-haven for me, a place where all of my thoughts are free to live. Because if I’m being honest, I have never felt fully free to speak. 

Part of why I got into blogging and YouTube and sharing about my health and healing journey, and eventually sharing about my spirituality too, is because I’m pushing myself to share. I want to share, I’m just scared to share because I was taught by so many that I’m better liked when I’m quiet. 

It’s sometimes a challenge for me to share because I’ve been so frequently discouraged from sharing, because that voice of criticism, one that is not my own, is just so loud and feeds my fear. And I do have my own fears too. 

From the time I was in single digits I knew I was different. I could tell that I saw and felt things that others didn’t. That did scare me, but being encouraged to be quiet is really what fueled that fear. 

I don’t feel like it’s safe to be myself or show who I am, because so fucking many have discouraged me from it. The evidence I’ve been shown is that they’re right. 

But on the other hand, I also have seen a ton of evidence that my courage to speak about things has touched a lot of people. With my health and mental health advocacy I’ve strived to educate, to validate, to comfort others and let them know they’re not the only one going through this. And I’ve done that. Sharing was also for me too, and it has been healing for me. 

Spiritually, I haven’t seen as much positive yet because I’ve only just dipped my toe into sharing. 

Why do I want to share?

If I’m to get deep into the psychological question fo “why” I’ve always wanted to share, and if I peel away all of the years of trauma I’ve had revolving around this, if I look back to who I was as a toddler, I don’t think it’s that complicated. I think I simply just wanted to shine my light, be myself, do things I enjoyed, share about what excites me. I think for a lot of us that’s true too. I don’t think it’s instantly some super complex thing.

I don’t think as a toddler I was seeking validation, or acceptance. I can persoanlly remove those variables because I knew my family loved me. Home was really the only place I felt safe to me myself. That's really always been true. It's the only place I've ever been loud, or talked a ton. My family are the only people who know how much I actually talk. I'm naturally quite a chatty person. Or I was, I guess. 

It was just with time and with more people (and school) discouraging me from being myself, it’s like it was drilled into me that I should care about validation, and acceptance of others. And that’s when life got fuzzy and I started to lose sight of who I actually am. 

Authenticity 

One of my words for the year of 2021 is authenticity. For a long time actually I’ve looked back on who I was as a toddler as my sort of “north star” for this whole authenticity thing. Because back then it wasn’t complicated and there wasn’t tons of voices drowning out my own inner voice yet. I was just me. It was that simple. 

I'm figuring out what authenticity looks like for me now, but it's hard. It's hard because those old voices are still in my head though, because there's so much noise and bs blocking me from...me. 

Sometimes I get bummed that I've allowed myself to stay so small and so quiet for so long too, but that's a venting session for another day haha. 

Point Being

To tell someone not to share because others won’t agree or won’t accept them is shit advice. Of course not everyone will agree. If the rule is to only share if everyone will approve of what you have to say then you would never speak. 

Unfortunately… I spent most of my life just accepting that, that I would simply just never speak. 

And I've been working for years on undoing this shit. 

Trust me, I don't share if I don't want to. But I'm trying to no longer not share because I think others don't want me to. That's the undoing. 

I Finished The First Draft Of My First Romance Novel!

COMING IN 2021 (hopefully) 😘 I finished the first draft of my first romance novel!! Fitting for my “month of love” haha

Check Out My New Author Website: savannahkmarcum.com

In October 2018 I had this amazing, long, vivid dream and I woke up knowing I needed to turn that dream into a novel someday. I wrote all day, jotting down everything I could remember, then didn’t touch the story for a long time. 

In spring/summer 2019 I decided it was time for me to start writing my first book, and I knew this was the story I wanted to start with. 

For almost 2 years I’ve been working on this story, pouring my heart into its pages. 

Last night I finally finished my first draft. 😻😭💗

My favorite thing in the universe is LOVE. I pretty much only watch things that include romance, I’ve read mostly romance since my tweens, I’ve been writing romance since my teens. I love love. 

Since I was a tween my absolute ultimate dream was to be a romance novel author. That has always always been the epitome of like, if I could do anything as a career that’s what I wish I could do. I just want to write things that make people feel. I never thought I would actually make it a career though because I know writing isn’t always lucrative. 

But when I was dying in my teens and I had nothing left, writing was my lifeline. My life naturally pushed me back to writing, back to my ultimate dream. 

After everything I’ve been through in my life, after almost dying (multiple times) in my teens I really came to appreciate the little things in life. I came to realize what really matters, and what matters most to me now is doing what makes me happy. I want to enjoy life, I want to do what I love. 

This is what I love to do, and so this is what I did. 

The story is all there, no gaps, no holes, and tons of editing as has been done already. I fucking did it!!

There’s still editing and refining to be done. 

There’s still formatting and designing to be done.   

There’s still publishing logistics to figure out. 

But I did it. I got here! 

My inner tween who always dreamed of doing this is elated right now. 

My inner teen who turned to writing while she was dying is proud that I’ve continued to do what I really love. 

Myself today is excited to share. 

This year I will hold a physical, finished copy of my first book in my hands and I am manifesting that shit. 🙌🏻 It may be later this year, but 2021 is the year I become a book author. 

Ps. I'm pretty set on this title. I really love it and feel it perfectly fits the theme of the story.