It's been a while since I last updated on here, and the reason for my absence isn't good news. That's exactly why I haven't updated in so long too, because things have been rough for months. I was really hoping good things would happen or I would start to pull out of being so sick, and then I would have something good to write about...Or at least I could have a positive spin at the end of my downer of an update.
Sadly, after waiting months for better things to start happening, nothing's really changed. So, I guess I just need to suck it up and write about the negativity that has been my life for the past few months. Why now, today, am I suddenly going to write about everything? Well, that has to do with how my day went today.
I had another allergic reaction tonight.
I've been off of all medications for the past 2 months or so, to cleanse my body from the last allergic reactions I had back in September. Being off of everything is saying a lot too because 3 months or so ago (pre-allergic-reaction), I was taking roughly 50 pills a day. Most were supplements to make up for my nutrient lacking diet, but nevertheless, that's a lot of pills.
I took half of a pill tonight, one I've been on many times before and never had problems with, and within 15 minutes of taking it I recognized symptoms that I'm becoming much too familiar with. My tongue got tingly, and then my lips, and then my throat, and then the roof of my mouth... I felt jittery, my stomach didn't feel good, my chest felt tight, and my heart felt like it was beating different. By the first symptom of my tongue getting slightly numb, I was already mentally cursing because I knew what was happening. I was having an allergic reaction to the medication.
Since I've had more experience with allergic reactions, I drank liquid Benadryl, also took a Benadryl tablet, drank a lot of water, made myself eat, and then I took a nap. When I woke up from that nap I felt so much worse. Every symptom was still present, but the nausea was worse. At that point, I wished I hadn't woken up. At least in my sleep I wasn't actively thinking about it. But, I was awake. So, I ate many more times, hydrated as best as I could, and I've been resting as much as possible while I wait for it to pass.
After finally stabilizing enough and mustering up enough energy, I took a shower. While washing my hair, more hair than usual fell out when I washed it, and it really saddened me to see the clump of my already very thinned out hair in the palm of my hand. Standing there with the water hitting my tired and sore back, with a palm full of my hair in my much to thin and boney hand, I felt like sinking to the ground and crying. My body is literally falling apart and no matter how hard I've been trying these last few months, I can't stop that. I'm powerless, I'm withering away, and I'm only 18.
For some reason, I didn't end up crying. I finished showering, finished my nightly routine, and then I got in bed, grabbed my laptop, and instead of clicking onto my normal late night tab (Netflix. I've been bingeing Gilmore Girls. I so recommend it), I found myself coming here. Without thinking about it or having a post planned out, I just found myself writing this.
So, here I am...
It's 4:33am, my thinned out and fragile hair is still wet and cold from the shower, my frail hands are cold from the chilly night air of this first night of December, and I'm laying here in bed writing about how my life is falling apart; because what else can I do? Underneath the drowsiness and sick feelings I have going on right now, I can't deny the odd sense of déja vu that I'm feeling. As I'm laying here writing, utterly powerless as my life and body are crumbling, I feel oddly calm. I feel like I should be more scared or concerned than I am. I always felt that way... In the 4 years that this has been my life, I always stay so calm when things take a sudden turn for the worst. I guess this is just how I cope. Plus, by now, I'm just used to things like this. "It's just my life.", like I always tell people, as if that helps.
It's sad to me how used to all of this I am though...
After 4 years, we're still confused about what's wrong with me and we still don't understand why my body does what it does. We know I have Lyme Disease and many other co-infections, but we learned this year that something else is wrong. We just can't solidly figure anything out. I keep developing more and more allergies and we don't know why. We keep trying to make things better, but it seems like everything we try to do to turn things around just makes me worse.
I don't know if guilt is the right word to use to describe how I feel, but I definitely feel some level of responsibility for the frustrating situation we're in. It's my body that no one can figure out, and I know that I can't help that, but still... It's my body. I know it's not my fault and I can't control my body and how it reacts, but I wish I could. I wish I could do more than just sit here.
It's an extremely frustrating, and isolating position to be in. My whole illness in general is very isolating. Yes, I have a great family and good friends and a boyfriend who's always there for me, but no one really knows how it feels to be me. It's far from easy to live the life I live. People can't imagine how heavy it is to have my life...
This all has taken such a toll on me, and a clump of my hair falling out tonight was the shitty ending to an already very shitty day.
I wish I could just be done with all of this...
To quickly recap what has been going on in my life since I last updated:
I had a bad allergic reaction to an antibiotic back in September. It made me so sick that I lost 5 pounds in a week, started losing a lot of hair, and I since then still haven't been able to gain much weight back on. Also, my hair just continues to thin out. Now it's to the point that I'm concerned I may start balding and thats a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with at 18.
I was in the E.R. 2 times in September. (Bringing the total tally of how many times I've been in the E.R. in 2016 up to 5.) Since I last updated, I've had 5-ish IVs, a chest x-ray, 2 EKGs, and I may be getting an ultrasound soon (to check my ovaries for cysts.)
I've been extremely sick, to say the least. So sick that I had to drop out of my college classes by about October. It was such a hard and heartbreaking decision to have to make, but I knew it needed to be done. My sleep quickly got worse and never got better, so I've been practically nocturnal for months. I fall asleep at 7am and wake up at 4 or 5pm. So, I'm not around people as much because of my flipped sleeping schedule.
I basically stopped writing by October because I was too depressed. In fact, I've been so depressed that I've barely been functioning. I stopped most of my hobbies because I had no energy. Pretty much besides sleeping all day and eating late into the night to try and keep my calorie intake up, I haven't done much of anything. It's been really really hard for a few months, and theres no sugar coating that. It's sucked and I haven't really enjoyed being alive. That's just the harsh truth. I'm back to where I was 4 years ago, every thing fell apart...again. I had to quit school, I had to let go of my dreams, I lost friends, I lost myself, and I was back to wishing I'd just go in my sleep so I don't have to deal with this anymore. The only real significant difference, is for all of September and most of October, I couldn't make it a week without crying really hard. Like, it wasn't just crying, it was painful, hard crying. Keep in mind that I'm not a cryer, at all. 4 years ago, I never cried. I went almost 2 years without crying, and in September I just lost it. I really fell apart. I was a mess.
I'm not saying I'm not a mess anymore, I just decided it was time for me to stop waiting. I waited long enough for things to turn around, and it's time for me to talk about the negatives and start moving past it. I had to let go of a lot of dreams (school being one of them) and I had to re-think my entire life...again. So, after a lot of thinking, I made a fashion blog. I love fashion and that's something that won't have to be vulnerable for me to write about (unlike this blog where it's all very personal.) I'm also going to start YouTubing more because I want happy things in my life. (Links to those pages will be in tabs.) On top of that, my family is going to be taking a puppy home soon. We picked him out 3 weeks ago and he'll be coming home a week before Christmas. I think he'll be really really good for me. I just need more light and positivity in my life, and what's more happy than a puppy?!
The best highlights of my last few months have been Halloween and Thanksgiving, which are in my top 3 favorite holidays. My family threw a party for Halloween and it was great. I had to sit on the couch the whole party, but it was great to have people around and to be laughing. For Thanksgiving, we had lots of family over and I had a great conversation with my uncle, and I actually really want to write about what he and I talked about. There were a lot of good themes in that conversation that I want to talk about. Hopefully I'll do a post for that soon.
Right now, I don't have a big inspirational twist to this. I'm not really to that point yet where I'm looking at this all in a positive way. But I moved up to at least being realistic and setting more realistic goals for my life. I want to get back to writing and I hope that soon I'll have something better to post on here. Hopefully something with a positive and inspirational twist to it.
But! Until then, I felt like it was time that I at least put an update out there. I can't move on to being positive again until I get the negatives out of the way. So, there you go. I got a lot out of the way. I don't know who will actually read all of this, but I needed to vent it out.
Thanks for reading if you did. I'll be back soon. In the meantime, go check out my new blog http://heyoitsmayo.blogspot.com💕
Showing posts with label E.R.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label E.R.. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Big Life Update: From Prom To The E.R. To Valedictorian!
It's been a while since I've written on here... I've had quite a few ups and downs. Prom happened, my boyfriend totaled his car (he was totally fine thank god), we went to a wedding, my brother's girlfriend had a birthday(aka my in house bestie. She lives with us haha.), I did a cover of a cute song for mother's day, I was on the news when I helped out with one of my best friend and his mom's presentation about Lyme at a local high school, I was in the E.R. again (for the 3rd time this year), I had my graduation party, I sadly had to cancel going to grad-night, and then I graduated as Valedictorian! I'll go through and talk about everything. This is gonna be a long post haha. I can't go this long without posting...too much happens.
Prom! - April 16th
Prom was a blast! The whole day of Prom was really stressful and tiring. Everything kept going wrong. I was being super forgetful that day too so I had to go back in the house like 3 times because I kept forgetting things when I was trying to leave. We got rear-ended before we got to our dinner reservation too. All was okay though. No one was hurt and the cars involved were all fine. The whole time we were at dinner we were just trying to un-tense from being rear-ended. Once we got to Prom though, we had a blast. I danced for like 3 hours straight and didn't leave until it was over. It was just great. I got tons of compliments too, from people and workers at the restaurant, women in the bathroom, girls at the prom, and even a few teachers. Keep in mind that I don't even go to that school, it was my boyfriend's Prom, so I didn't know any of the people who complimented me haha. It was just a great night. Lots of great memories. Lots of laughs.
Accident - April 30th 1am
When my boyfriend totaled his car. --- He was on his way home from my house late at night. I live out in the country, so theres a lot of deer. Theres ton's of accidents on the road he crashed on because there's blind corners and tons of deer that just jump out. Luckily, no one else was driving around at the time so he just hit then deer and then a tree. I hated getting that call from him though... I'd been afraid of getting that call of him saying he was in an accident. Thankfully he was okay, and my dad drove down to help him figure out what to do. Note: that it all happened past 1am.
Amber's Birthday - May 2nd
Love her so much. Lots of laughs. I got her the most ridiculous card I've ever seen and she totally loved it haha. Her cake was just the cutest thing too.😊
E.R. - May 14th
I ended up in the E.R. after a medication change. I wasn't feeling very good and was having weird chest pain off and on for the first few days of being on the new medication. I felt good enough to go to the movies though, or so I thought. I made it about two thirds of the way through the movie, and my chest pain just kept getting worse and worse. I was keeping a close watch on it, and I know my limits well. I was micro-meditating to try to control my symptoms, but nothing was helping. The fact that I couldn't control it at all (which normally I can), and that it was only getting worse was very concerning to me. So I told my boyfriend I needed to leave, and he just said okay and held my hand as we walked to the car. He only asked me "Are you okay?" as we walked out, and I just shook my head no. By the time we got to the car I had gone from a 7 out of 10 on the pain chart (1 being best - 10 being the worst) to an 8. My hands were already shaking badly, my heart was racing, I was short of breath, and my body was twitchy when I decided I needed to leave the movie, but when we got to the car I was starting to pass out. Luckily, I have a ton of experience with almost passing out. I know the signs of when its coming on very well, so I know how to not pass out. I held my hands out and looked at my shaking hands and my boyfriend looked at them too and asked "What's going on? Are you having a panic attack?" As he said that, I felt my tongue staring to go numb (a sign I get when I'm getting closer to passing out), and I just answered with "I think I need to go to the hospital." He just said "Okay", and started to buckle up and drive. I told him I was starting to pass out but I was going to try to hold out and focus on not passing out. I forewarned him to not freak out if I did pass out. He asked me if I could call my mom or if he needed to do it, I said I would try. I called my mom and said we were on our way to the hospital and that she needed to meet us there. Obviously, she asked what was wrong and I said it felt like a bad panic attack at first but that it just kept getting worse and something didn't feel right. It didn't feel like my panic attacks. It was a totally new kind of chest and heart pain for me, and note that the other 2 times I was in the E.R. just this year was for chest pain. We drove in silence and when we got there he offered to carry me. I was talked to almost immediately by a nurse, and right after that my mom got there. She said she just dropped everything, ran out of the and sped there. I was called back in just a minute or two, even though there was a waiting room full of people. I had an EKG done and was seen by the doctor right after I got to my room. I had a blood draw and then an IV put in right after they left and then we just waited. It was a huge relief to be seen so quickly. They saw me when I was still at a 7 on the pain scale, and they all seemed pretty puzzled too by the sounds of my story and sudden extreme symptoms. My mom left to run home and get me food (I have a really restricted diet and have to eat on a tight schedule or else I start to feel sick, so her bringing me food was really important.) My boyfriend who had been quiet since my mom arrived, came and sat next to my bed once she left. I had my IV going and those are always painful for me (I have weak veins because I've had so much bloodwork done), and he knew all I needed was to just not think about it. He just talked to me, told me funny stories, made me laugh, was silly and sang a silly disco song that he'd been singing and dancing to earlier. I was laughing so much. I so needed the distraction. Before we knew it my IV was done, and my mom got back. She was happy to see me smiling and doing a little better. We got test results back and found out I wasn't having a heart attack so that was really good news. They didn't know what was wrong with me but they ruled off the big, really life threatening things we were worried about. I left still at a 5 or 6 on the pain scale. But I lived my life at a constant 6 for a long time. 6 is fine. It's livable. We got to the hospital at about 9:30pm and we didn't get home until after 1am. Meaning, we were singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, in the E.R. at 12:30am haha. It was just a crazy couple hours. We ended up making the most of it though, and the 3 of us laughed a lot while we were waiting for results.
The next few days weren't very good health wise. I saw my doctor that week and had medication changes galore. I had to see a cardiologist the week also, and we had to talk to another doctor. It was pretty hectic. I spent the next few weeks after all of that resting a lot and really trying to recover.
In those few weeks, I got put on a new medication that made me really depressed. So, that wasn't fun. I was recovering from that, and getting back to normal, and then I got the news that I was Valedictorian!
It was just a roller coaster of a month.
Graduation Party - June 4th
I had tons of family over for my graduation party. It was great to catch up with so many loved ones. I got so many beautiful cards. We decorated the house a bunch too and that was super cute. I love decorating for special occasions. My family got me super cute little cakes! It made me sad that I can't eat them (can't eat gluten, dairy, or sugar), but everyone else enjoyed them so that was nice.😊I didn't feel very good, but it was still a great day.
Disney movie marathon, not grad-night - June 7th
I hadn't been feeling good for a few days and only just kept feeling worse. I decided the day before, to cancel my trip to go to Disneyland with my class for grad-night. It was a really sad decision to have to make, but I knew it was what was best for me and my health. I dressed up in a Disney shirt, put on my Minnie Mouse ears, and marathoned some Disney movies instead.
Graduation/Valedictorian! - June 9th
I already published my post about my speech. (Link here.) You should go check that out if you haven't already!
Getting the news I was Valedictorian was totally shocking. I was not expecting it at all. I got right to speech writing because I only had about a week and a half until graduation from when I found out. I put so much thought into my speech. So much thought went into the content of the speech and how the speech was constructed. I had one shot to speak to that crowd and to make some kind of an impact, and I really wanted to take advantage of that. I wanted the speech to say everything I wanted to say, and to have all different kinds of effects and messages. I knew it was going to be a complex speech so a lot of thought went into it, but it seems like it payed off. My speech did everything I wanted it to, and then some.
Graduation day was very stressful. I woke up feeling like crap, so that made it really hard to get through the day. I was honestly worried if I was going to make it through the day and actually be able to do my speech. I forewarned my mom to not be surprised if I was going to need to go to the hospital after graduation was over. I also talked to a few teachers and the principal and forewarned them that I wasn't feeling good. We had a hand signal agreed on, so that if I did the hand signal they knew someone needed to run over to me. My mom told my boyfriend to stay with me until I was going to walk out with my class, because she was that worried about me. He sat in the front row too, and he told my teachers that if I did the hand signal he was going to jump the fence and come to me. That's how bad I was doing. I felt so sick that day, but I was determined to go out there and still give my speech.
I have terrible stage fright, so I was so nervous about having to do the public speaking part of my speech. It was probably the most nerve wracking thing I've ever had to do. It was terrifying to me. I'm not afraid of death, but holy crap public speaking tho haha.
The minutes before I had to go up on stage, I closed my eyes and micro-meditated. I breathed and focused on the feeling of the wind on me. Then next thing I knew, my name was announced and I walked up to the podium. I cut it out of my speech video, but when I went up there a teacher came up too and brought a chair and left it there. She offered to stay standing too but I said I was going to try to stand and just go for it. She wished me luck and scurried back to her seat, I flipped to my page in the booklet, then I looked up at my family's section in the crowd. They were straight ahead of me. I told myself to only look at them when I would look up, just focus on my mom. I'd read my speech a few times to her, and a million times to myself...
I've lived my life these last few years very frequently feeling like crap at very inconvenient times. (Times like friends BBQs or Birthday Parties, or family get-togethers.) I've always hated being looked at and treated like I'm sick, so I quickly got really good at faking it. I would put on a big smile, I'd stand up straight and act completely normal, even if I felt like I was falling apart. I got really good at faking being okay, so thats what I did up there. I faked being confident (I really just wanted to run and hide and not have people look at me), I faked that I was happy and excited (I actually was feeling so sick that day that I wasn't even excited anymore), I faked that I felt good enough to be up there (I really, really didn't.)
I put so much time, thought and effort into my speech though that I wasn't going to just give up that opportunity. So, I got up there and faked my ass off, and by the second page....I wasn't nervous anymore. People laughed at my intended jokes, and they stopped and listened when I wanted them to too. I was totally getting the reactions I'd wanted, and it was then that I realized that most of my fear about the public speaking wasn't actually about public speaking. I was afraid about being so vulnerable. I was afraid that I was going to lay my heart and soul out there, and really give a vulnerable speech about me and my life and who I am, and that no one would care. But people were actually really listening. I looked up at one point and every single person was looking at me, and there wasn't a peep of noise. Like not even babies or children made noise! It was dead silent and all eyes were on me, and that was the moment I relaxed. It's totally ironic because that should've terrified me, but it's exactly the reaction I'd wanted. They were putty in my hands and I'd totally hooked them just how I'd wanted to.
By the end of my speech I wasn't faking it anymore. I really was feeling confident, happy, excited, and all of those happy emotions distracted me from how sick I felt.
As I was going off stage, the important faculty on stage all stood up and clapped for me, and the ones closest to me congratulated me. People in the crowd stood and clapped. When I got to my seat all the people sitting closest to me congratulated me. They all knew how nervous I was about my speech and knew I wasn't feeling good too (they found out in the course of lining up for graduation and such.) The principal congratulated me from the mic, the girl who spoke after me said "Well thats a tough act to follow", when I got my diploma every single person on stage who I had to shake hands with (which was like 7 people) all congratulated me on my speech and said varying kind or funny things. After graduation my teacher came up and gave me a big hug and congratulated me. My family was so proud, my 8th grade teacher was there and was so proud. My grandpa was the first person I hugged. My boyfriend was the last, because he patiently waited his turn. But when I hugged him I squeezed him so tight. He was so worried about me and we were both really happy and relieved and proud that I actually got through it.
The feeling of having that big crowd in the palm of my hand, and the feeling of getting a standing ovation is like nothing I've ever felt before. Being someone who's had horrible stage fright for as long as I can remember, it was completely shocking to have that feeling and completely love it. I loved how it felt to control the crowd and for them to like what I had to say so much. It was kind of addictive. I now understand how people get addicted to being on stage. Theres no other feeling like it.
My 8th grade teacher gave me a letter I wrote to my future self back when I was in her class as part of my graduation gift. I opened it and read it at the dinner table with my family around. I think I'll do a whole post just about that.
It was just a really good day. Most of the day was pretty crappy and stressful, but the way I felt at the end of that day was priceless. One of the best and proudest days of my life.
The next day, my uncle, who was at my graduation, texted my mom. He lives a few towns over, probably 30-40 minutes away. He said he was out, and he overheard some guys he knows talking about an amazing girl's speech from the night before... He soon realized they were talking about me, and he told them they were talking about his niece... I was blown away when my mom passed on that news.
Now
Just this week, my speech was featured on LymeDisease.org (Link here) I've gone to the movies and made it through a whole movie without having to go to the hospital! Haha. I went to the beach this week with my bf. We took our hammock, hung it up under the pier and had a nice, relaxing afternoon. I did all of my thank you notes for my grad presents (I'm usually terrible at thank you notes haha. I did 24 cards.) I've been doing okay health wise, still a lot of ups and downs.
It's been a crazy, hectic, roller coaster of a past few months. There've been a lot of bad days, but there've been some big things and big moments along the way. I'm really really proud of myself, and I'm so insanely thankful. I just love my family so much. They always keep me smiling and laughing, and thats worth more to me than anything.
Prom! - April 16th
Prom was a blast! The whole day of Prom was really stressful and tiring. Everything kept going wrong. I was being super forgetful that day too so I had to go back in the house like 3 times because I kept forgetting things when I was trying to leave. We got rear-ended before we got to our dinner reservation too. All was okay though. No one was hurt and the cars involved were all fine. The whole time we were at dinner we were just trying to un-tense from being rear-ended. Once we got to Prom though, we had a blast. I danced for like 3 hours straight and didn't leave until it was over. It was just great. I got tons of compliments too, from people and workers at the restaurant, women in the bathroom, girls at the prom, and even a few teachers. Keep in mind that I don't even go to that school, it was my boyfriend's Prom, so I didn't know any of the people who complimented me haha. It was just a great night. Lots of great memories. Lots of laughs.
Accident - April 30th 1am
When my boyfriend totaled his car. --- He was on his way home from my house late at night. I live out in the country, so theres a lot of deer. Theres ton's of accidents on the road he crashed on because there's blind corners and tons of deer that just jump out. Luckily, no one else was driving around at the time so he just hit then deer and then a tree. I hated getting that call from him though... I'd been afraid of getting that call of him saying he was in an accident. Thankfully he was okay, and my dad drove down to help him figure out what to do. Note: that it all happened past 1am.
(I'm only gonna show a picture of the skid marks. They're still there 2 months later.)
Wedding - April 30th
The wedding was out of town so I had to wake up early, and we'd had a late night because of the accident. Driving past the skid marks (picture above), was so scary. At the wedding, the weather was great, and the wedding was beautiful. I wasn't feeling the best, but was a good day. We had a really good time.
Amber's Birthday - May 2nd
Love her so much. Lots of laughs. I got her the most ridiculous card I've ever seen and she totally loved it haha. Her cake was just the cutest thing too.😊
Mother's Day - May 8th
My surprise/present to my mom was doing a special cover for her. I posted it the morning of Mother's Day. I wrote a big long post on Facebook, put the video with it, and left it for her to wake up to. She loved it. Later, we went to brunch with family. It was perfect weather, and just a nice day all around. (lLink to my cover here.) 😊
Breaking News - Lyme Awareness - May 11th
I last minute decided to go with my mom to go help her, my friend and his mom at their presentation about Lyme Disease to a local high school. A news crew came and interviewed my friend and I because he heard we both have Lyme Disease, then later that night we were all on the news! (Link to the local news post here.) The rally went good, I passed out tons of stuff too, including... bracelets provided by LymeLilli.org, information pamphlets provided by BayAreaLyme.org, and I believe our story was featured on LymeDisease.org also! We also did the Lyme Disease Challenge with the ex-mayor of my town haha. #TakeABiteOutOfLyme #LymeDiseaseAwarenessMonth 💚💚💚
(A little collage of pictures from that day, and then me on TV!)
I ended up in the E.R. after a medication change. I wasn't feeling very good and was having weird chest pain off and on for the first few days of being on the new medication. I felt good enough to go to the movies though, or so I thought. I made it about two thirds of the way through the movie, and my chest pain just kept getting worse and worse. I was keeping a close watch on it, and I know my limits well. I was micro-meditating to try to control my symptoms, but nothing was helping. The fact that I couldn't control it at all (which normally I can), and that it was only getting worse was very concerning to me. So I told my boyfriend I needed to leave, and he just said okay and held my hand as we walked to the car. He only asked me "Are you okay?" as we walked out, and I just shook my head no. By the time we got to the car I had gone from a 7 out of 10 on the pain chart (1 being best - 10 being the worst) to an 8. My hands were already shaking badly, my heart was racing, I was short of breath, and my body was twitchy when I decided I needed to leave the movie, but when we got to the car I was starting to pass out. Luckily, I have a ton of experience with almost passing out. I know the signs of when its coming on very well, so I know how to not pass out. I held my hands out and looked at my shaking hands and my boyfriend looked at them too and asked "What's going on? Are you having a panic attack?" As he said that, I felt my tongue staring to go numb (a sign I get when I'm getting closer to passing out), and I just answered with "I think I need to go to the hospital." He just said "Okay", and started to buckle up and drive. I told him I was starting to pass out but I was going to try to hold out and focus on not passing out. I forewarned him to not freak out if I did pass out. He asked me if I could call my mom or if he needed to do it, I said I would try. I called my mom and said we were on our way to the hospital and that she needed to meet us there. Obviously, she asked what was wrong and I said it felt like a bad panic attack at first but that it just kept getting worse and something didn't feel right. It didn't feel like my panic attacks. It was a totally new kind of chest and heart pain for me, and note that the other 2 times I was in the E.R. just this year was for chest pain. We drove in silence and when we got there he offered to carry me. I was talked to almost immediately by a nurse, and right after that my mom got there. She said she just dropped everything, ran out of the and sped there. I was called back in just a minute or two, even though there was a waiting room full of people. I had an EKG done and was seen by the doctor right after I got to my room. I had a blood draw and then an IV put in right after they left and then we just waited. It was a huge relief to be seen so quickly. They saw me when I was still at a 7 on the pain scale, and they all seemed pretty puzzled too by the sounds of my story and sudden extreme symptoms. My mom left to run home and get me food (I have a really restricted diet and have to eat on a tight schedule or else I start to feel sick, so her bringing me food was really important.) My boyfriend who had been quiet since my mom arrived, came and sat next to my bed once she left. I had my IV going and those are always painful for me (I have weak veins because I've had so much bloodwork done), and he knew all I needed was to just not think about it. He just talked to me, told me funny stories, made me laugh, was silly and sang a silly disco song that he'd been singing and dancing to earlier. I was laughing so much. I so needed the distraction. Before we knew it my IV was done, and my mom got back. She was happy to see me smiling and doing a little better. We got test results back and found out I wasn't having a heart attack so that was really good news. They didn't know what was wrong with me but they ruled off the big, really life threatening things we were worried about. I left still at a 5 or 6 on the pain scale. But I lived my life at a constant 6 for a long time. 6 is fine. It's livable. We got to the hospital at about 9:30pm and we didn't get home until after 1am. Meaning, we were singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, in the E.R. at 12:30am haha. It was just a crazy couple hours. We ended up making the most of it though, and the 3 of us laughed a lot while we were waiting for results.
The next few days weren't very good health wise. I saw my doctor that week and had medication changes galore. I had to see a cardiologist the week also, and we had to talk to another doctor. It was pretty hectic. I spent the next few weeks after all of that resting a lot and really trying to recover.
In those few weeks, I got put on a new medication that made me really depressed. So, that wasn't fun. I was recovering from that, and getting back to normal, and then I got the news that I was Valedictorian!
It was just a roller coaster of a month.
(We made the most of it haha.)
(My mom put this in a fortune cookie for me, and thats how I found out.)
Graduation Party - June 4th
I had tons of family over for my graduation party. It was great to catch up with so many loved ones. I got so many beautiful cards. We decorated the house a bunch too and that was super cute. I love decorating for special occasions. My family got me super cute little cakes! It made me sad that I can't eat them (can't eat gluten, dairy, or sugar), but everyone else enjoyed them so that was nice.😊I didn't feel very good, but it was still a great day.
Disney movie marathon, not grad-night - June 7th
I hadn't been feeling good for a few days and only just kept feeling worse. I decided the day before, to cancel my trip to go to Disneyland with my class for grad-night. It was a really sad decision to have to make, but I knew it was what was best for me and my health. I dressed up in a Disney shirt, put on my Minnie Mouse ears, and marathoned some Disney movies instead.
Graduation/Valedictorian! - June 9th
I already published my post about my speech. (Link here.) You should go check that out if you haven't already!
Getting the news I was Valedictorian was totally shocking. I was not expecting it at all. I got right to speech writing because I only had about a week and a half until graduation from when I found out. I put so much thought into my speech. So much thought went into the content of the speech and how the speech was constructed. I had one shot to speak to that crowd and to make some kind of an impact, and I really wanted to take advantage of that. I wanted the speech to say everything I wanted to say, and to have all different kinds of effects and messages. I knew it was going to be a complex speech so a lot of thought went into it, but it seems like it payed off. My speech did everything I wanted it to, and then some.
Graduation day was very stressful. I woke up feeling like crap, so that made it really hard to get through the day. I was honestly worried if I was going to make it through the day and actually be able to do my speech. I forewarned my mom to not be surprised if I was going to need to go to the hospital after graduation was over. I also talked to a few teachers and the principal and forewarned them that I wasn't feeling good. We had a hand signal agreed on, so that if I did the hand signal they knew someone needed to run over to me. My mom told my boyfriend to stay with me until I was going to walk out with my class, because she was that worried about me. He sat in the front row too, and he told my teachers that if I did the hand signal he was going to jump the fence and come to me. That's how bad I was doing. I felt so sick that day, but I was determined to go out there and still give my speech.
I have terrible stage fright, so I was so nervous about having to do the public speaking part of my speech. It was probably the most nerve wracking thing I've ever had to do. It was terrifying to me. I'm not afraid of death, but holy crap public speaking tho haha.
The minutes before I had to go up on stage, I closed my eyes and micro-meditated. I breathed and focused on the feeling of the wind on me. Then next thing I knew, my name was announced and I walked up to the podium. I cut it out of my speech video, but when I went up there a teacher came up too and brought a chair and left it there. She offered to stay standing too but I said I was going to try to stand and just go for it. She wished me luck and scurried back to her seat, I flipped to my page in the booklet, then I looked up at my family's section in the crowd. They were straight ahead of me. I told myself to only look at them when I would look up, just focus on my mom. I'd read my speech a few times to her, and a million times to myself...
I've lived my life these last few years very frequently feeling like crap at very inconvenient times. (Times like friends BBQs or Birthday Parties, or family get-togethers.) I've always hated being looked at and treated like I'm sick, so I quickly got really good at faking it. I would put on a big smile, I'd stand up straight and act completely normal, even if I felt like I was falling apart. I got really good at faking being okay, so thats what I did up there. I faked being confident (I really just wanted to run and hide and not have people look at me), I faked that I was happy and excited (I actually was feeling so sick that day that I wasn't even excited anymore), I faked that I felt good enough to be up there (I really, really didn't.)
I put so much time, thought and effort into my speech though that I wasn't going to just give up that opportunity. So, I got up there and faked my ass off, and by the second page....I wasn't nervous anymore. People laughed at my intended jokes, and they stopped and listened when I wanted them to too. I was totally getting the reactions I'd wanted, and it was then that I realized that most of my fear about the public speaking wasn't actually about public speaking. I was afraid about being so vulnerable. I was afraid that I was going to lay my heart and soul out there, and really give a vulnerable speech about me and my life and who I am, and that no one would care. But people were actually really listening. I looked up at one point and every single person was looking at me, and there wasn't a peep of noise. Like not even babies or children made noise! It was dead silent and all eyes were on me, and that was the moment I relaxed. It's totally ironic because that should've terrified me, but it's exactly the reaction I'd wanted. They were putty in my hands and I'd totally hooked them just how I'd wanted to.
By the end of my speech I wasn't faking it anymore. I really was feeling confident, happy, excited, and all of those happy emotions distracted me from how sick I felt.
As I was going off stage, the important faculty on stage all stood up and clapped for me, and the ones closest to me congratulated me. People in the crowd stood and clapped. When I got to my seat all the people sitting closest to me congratulated me. They all knew how nervous I was about my speech and knew I wasn't feeling good too (they found out in the course of lining up for graduation and such.) The principal congratulated me from the mic, the girl who spoke after me said "Well thats a tough act to follow", when I got my diploma every single person on stage who I had to shake hands with (which was like 7 people) all congratulated me on my speech and said varying kind or funny things. After graduation my teacher came up and gave me a big hug and congratulated me. My family was so proud, my 8th grade teacher was there and was so proud. My grandpa was the first person I hugged. My boyfriend was the last, because he patiently waited his turn. But when I hugged him I squeezed him so tight. He was so worried about me and we were both really happy and relieved and proud that I actually got through it.
The feeling of having that big crowd in the palm of my hand, and the feeling of getting a standing ovation is like nothing I've ever felt before. Being someone who's had horrible stage fright for as long as I can remember, it was completely shocking to have that feeling and completely love it. I loved how it felt to control the crowd and for them to like what I had to say so much. It was kind of addictive. I now understand how people get addicted to being on stage. Theres no other feeling like it.
My 8th grade teacher gave me a letter I wrote to my future self back when I was in her class as part of my graduation gift. I opened it and read it at the dinner table with my family around. I think I'll do a whole post just about that.
It was just a really good day. Most of the day was pretty crappy and stressful, but the way I felt at the end of that day was priceless. One of the best and proudest days of my life.
The next day, my uncle, who was at my graduation, texted my mom. He lives a few towns over, probably 30-40 minutes away. He said he was out, and he overheard some guys he knows talking about an amazing girl's speech from the night before... He soon realized they were talking about me, and he told them they were talking about his niece... I was blown away when my mom passed on that news.
(My brother's gf, Amber, did my hair and my boyfriend fed me haha.)
Just this week, my speech was featured on LymeDisease.org (Link here) I've gone to the movies and made it through a whole movie without having to go to the hospital! Haha. I went to the beach this week with my bf. We took our hammock, hung it up under the pier and had a nice, relaxing afternoon. I did all of my thank you notes for my grad presents (I'm usually terrible at thank you notes haha. I did 24 cards.) I've been doing okay health wise, still a lot of ups and downs.
It's been a crazy, hectic, roller coaster of a past few months. There've been a lot of bad days, but there've been some big things and big moments along the way. I'm really really proud of myself, and I'm so insanely thankful. I just love my family so much. They always keep me smiling and laughing, and thats worth more to me than anything.
(Pictures from the hammock at the beach the other day)
☀️🌊💙
I know that was a lot haha... Thanks for reading it all if you did! I'm gonna try to write more often, so I don't have to do huge long updates like this. Thanks again. I'll be writing soon.
Lots of love, Savannah. ❤️
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