6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Happy Birthday To Me

I can't believe I'm turning 19 tomorrow. It feels weird. It feels like I shouldn't be turning 19 yet. Plus the fact that I'm so unhappy right now makes it feel like "How could I be having a birthday? I'm SO unhappy. I should be happy if my birthday is tomorrow."

It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive. This isn't where I thought I'd be by this age. This isn't what I'd imagined. This isn't what I'd always hope for. I had so many hopes and dreams and it's all just gone. It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it. I'm the type of person that I always see things coming. I plan, I'm intuitive, I'm observant, I brace myself for what I foresee coming in life, and I never miss stuff. I'm almost always able to anticipate life. But I never planned for this. I never saw this coming. Obviously me first getting sick was a blind side but I always felt that by this age, by college I would surely be better by then. Right? I had to be. That'd be unimaginable to be sick for over 4 years. But the unimaginable happened, so here I am, and I'm at a complete loss for what to do or think. 

Where am I supposed to go from here? 

4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally! 

So much has gone on in the last 4 years too! I've had plenty of very high points and obviously lots of lows, but the fact that all this time later I'm LITERALLY in the exact same place absolutely kills me. 

I may as well have just been doing nothing all this time because I'm in the same goddamn place anyway. It completely invalidates everything I've done for the last 4 years. 

Coming to realize all of that has done a few things to me. 

1. I'm suicidal, and the fact that I'm back to being this bad breaks my heart. 

2. I'm pissed as FUCK. I was going to say hell, but sorry not sorry "hell" just ain't cutting it today. This is a fuck moment okay. I. Am. Pissed. Off. As. Fuckkkk!

3. I had a total panic attack/mental breakdown this week. Haven't had one of those in a long time, so as you can probably guess I'm both mad and sad about that. 

4. I feel lost. 

5. I feel confused. 

6. I have no drive left. I've come 360 right back to where I started and way too literally am in the exact same place as 4 years ago, and I just feel done. I don't want to do this anymore, and honestly I'm starting to not see the point of trying anymore. Why fucking try if after 4 years of constant hard work I've gotten absolutely no where? 

You try and answer that.

Gone on, try. 

Imagine being in my place and 4 years of excruciating pain and constant trial and error and failure and picking yourself back up and trying again and again and again...4 YEARS!...4 years of your entire life revolving around you trying your absolute hardest to get better, and then you're in the same goddamn place. 

Now you imagine how you'd feel. 

I bet you can't blame me for wanting to give up. 

So, I guess we should talk about why I don't give up. Why in the 4 years of constant hardship have I not given up? My family. I'd be dead without them. I would gladly be dead as of mmmm probably 4 years ago had I not had my family. Just the pure fact that I can't put them through losing me because I know how much it would hurt them, that keeps me alive. Continuing to try despite my constant failures... that ones harder. I found out I actually can't physically give up. It goes against everything I am. Which pisses me off. It'd be easier to give up but I'm just so stubborn and I can't. A lot of the time I wish I could give up. 

Have I really made no progress in 4 years? 

No

Am I EXACTLY in the same place as 4 years ago?

Yes haha. Literally. Same exact place. 

Am I EXACTLY the same?

Helllll no. 

A foot less of hair, probably an inch taller, 4-5 years older, I have a boyfriend, I have a child (he's a puppy haha), I actually have some friends (4 years ago at this time I had none. Literally. I had zero friends. Just my family.), I have a high school diploma and a valedictorian medal to show for all my hard academic work, I have a guitar that I love with all of my heart, I have scars all over my back that I didn't have 4 years ago that will forever remind me of everything I've been through... 

So much has happened. So much has changed. I've changed immensely. I don't feel like the same person at all. 4 years ago I didn't used to cry. 3 years ago I didn't used to cry. Hell just one year ago I barely cried. But now, in the last 6 months I've cried so much. That is a product of me pushing myself to deal with a lot of things I've suppressed and avoided for years. I pushed myself to grow and embracing that I needed to cry over things from my past was a big part of that. I communicate sooooo much better by now. I'm much more in tuned with my body. I'm a really good writer by now. I have a YouTube page and I sing in videos and I have 2 blogs that I love to write for. I'm more open and so much less afraid. I'm more confident in who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I'm a survivor. It's just what I do. I survive. 

Currently.... I'm quite literally struggling to survive. I'm having allergic reactions to everything and all foods. Sooooo my body doesn't exactly want me to be alive and my mind is starting to believe that too. It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to. But I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. 

I still have a lot of things to show for all the things I've done in the last 4 years, but the fact that I'm literally in the same place and I know that mentally (depression/anxiety wise) this is where I was at 4 years ago, it's so hard on me. I never stop trying my absolute hardest and yet I'm always just stuck. Right now, I'm helplessly backsliding and it's just killing me. All of 2016 I spent desperately clawing to try and make progress and I only just kept backsliding more and more. Now a new year has started and nothing changed. I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away. 

So... 4 years later here I am writing, just like how I always do. 

I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something... 

I know tomorrow is going to be hard and sad day for me, to do nothing and feel so depressed on my birthday. It's going to gut me. I know I'm bound to cry tomorrow. Hell, just thinking about my birthday being tomorrow and knowing I feel nothing but sadness makes me want to cry now. It's gonna be a rough day. But it just is what it is. This is my life. Sadly. I just have to make the most of it. 

The biggest difference between now and 4 years ago is tonight I'm going to fall asleep with my puppy and I'll wake up to his cute little face and that look of unconditional love. That's priceless.

Since I've Been Gone...

It's been a while since I last updated on here, and the reason for my absence isn't good news. That's exactly why I haven't updated in so long too, because things have been rough for months. I was really hoping good things would happen or I would start to pull out of being so sick, and then I would have something good to write about...Or at least I could have a positive spin at the end of my downer of an update.
Sadly, after waiting months for better things to start happening, nothing's really changed. So, I guess I just need to suck it up and write about the negativity that has been my life for the past few months. Why now, today, am I suddenly going to write about everything? Well, that has to do with how my day went today.



I had another allergic reaction tonight.

I've been off of all medications for the past 2 months or so, to cleanse my body from the last allergic reactions I had back in September. Being off of everything is saying a lot too because 3 months or so ago (pre-allergic-reaction), I was taking roughly 50 pills a day. Most were supplements to make up for my nutrient lacking diet, but nevertheless, that's a lot of pills.

I took half of a pill tonight, one I've been on many times before and never had problems with, and within 15 minutes of taking it I recognized symptoms that I'm becoming much too familiar with. My tongue got tingly, and then my lips, and then my throat, and then the roof of my mouth... I felt jittery, my stomach didn't feel good, my chest felt tight, and my heart felt like it was beating different. By the first symptom of my tongue getting slightly numb, I was already mentally cursing because I knew what was happening. I was having an allergic reaction to the medication.

Since I've had more experience with allergic reactions, I drank liquid Benadryl, also took a Benadryl tablet, drank a lot of water, made myself eat, and then I took a nap. When I woke up from that nap I felt so much worse. Every symptom was still present, but the nausea was worse. At that point, I wished I hadn't woken up. At least in my sleep I wasn't actively thinking about it. But, I was awake. So, I ate many more times, hydrated as best as I could, and I've been resting as much as possible while I wait for it to pass.

After finally stabilizing enough and mustering up enough energy, I took a shower. While washing my hair, more hair than usual fell out when I washed it, and it really saddened me to see the clump of my already very thinned out hair in the palm of my hand. Standing there with the water hitting my tired and sore back, with a palm full of my hair in my much to thin and boney hand, I felt like sinking to the ground and crying. My body is literally falling apart and no matter how hard I've been trying these last few months, I can't stop that. I'm powerless, I'm withering away, and I'm only 18.

For some reason, I didn't end up crying. I finished showering, finished my nightly routine, and then I got in bed, grabbed my laptop, and instead of clicking onto my normal late night tab (Netflix. I've been bingeing Gilmore Girls. I so recommend it), I found myself coming here. Without thinking about it or having a post planned out, I just found myself writing this.

So, here I am...

It's 4:33am, my thinned out and fragile hair is still wet and cold from the shower, my frail hands are cold from the chilly night air of this first night of December, and I'm laying here in bed writing about how my life is falling apart; because what else can I do? Underneath the drowsiness and sick feelings I have going on right now, I can't deny the odd sense of déja vu that I'm feeling. As I'm laying here writing, utterly powerless as my life and body are crumbling, I feel oddly calm. I feel like I should be more scared or concerned than I am. I always felt that way... In the 4 years that this has been my life, I always stay so calm when things take a sudden turn for the worst. I guess this is just how I cope. Plus, by now, I'm just used to things like this. "It's just my life.", like I always tell people, as if that helps.

It's sad to me how used to all of this I am though...

After 4 years, we're still confused about what's wrong with me and we still don't understand why my body does what it does. We know I have Lyme Disease and many other co-infections, but we learned this year that something else is wrong. We just can't solidly figure anything out. I keep developing more and more allergies and we don't know why. We keep trying to make things better, but it seems like everything we try to do to turn things around just makes me worse.

I don't know if guilt is the right word to use to describe how I feel, but I definitely feel some level of responsibility for the frustrating situation we're in. It's my body that no one can figure out, and I know that I can't help that, but still... It's my body. I know it's not my fault and I can't control my body and how it reacts, but I wish I could. I wish I could do more than just sit here.

It's an extremely frustrating, and isolating position to be in. My whole illness in general is very isolating. Yes, I have a great family and good friends and a boyfriend who's always there for me, but no one really knows how it feels to be me. It's far from easy to live the life I live. People can't imagine how heavy it is to have my life...

This all has taken such a toll on me, and a clump of my hair falling out tonight was the shitty ending to an already very shitty day.

I wish I could just be done with all of this...



To quickly recap what has been going on in my life since I last updated:

I had a bad allergic reaction to an antibiotic back in September. It made me so sick that I lost 5 pounds in a week, started losing a lot of hair, and I since then still haven't been able to gain much weight back on. Also, my hair just continues to thin out. Now it's to the point that I'm concerned I may start balding and thats a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with at 18.
I was in the E.R. 2 times in September. (Bringing the total tally of how many times I've been in the E.R. in 2016 up to 5.) Since I last updated, I've had 5-ish IVs, a chest x-ray, 2 EKGs, and I may be getting an ultrasound soon (to check my ovaries for cysts.)
I've been extremely sick, to say the least. So sick that I had to drop out of my college classes by about October. It was such a hard and heartbreaking decision to have to make, but I knew it needed to be done. My sleep quickly got worse and never got better, so I've been practically nocturnal for months. I fall asleep at 7am and wake up at 4 or 5pm. So, I'm not around people as much because of my flipped sleeping schedule.
I basically stopped writing by October because I was too depressed. In fact, I've been so depressed that I've barely been functioning. I stopped most of my hobbies because I had no energy. Pretty much besides sleeping all day and eating late into the night to try and keep my calorie intake up, I haven't done much of anything. It's been really really hard for a few months, and theres no sugar coating that. It's sucked and I haven't really enjoyed being alive. That's just the harsh truth. I'm back to where I was 4 years ago, every thing fell apart...again. I had to quit school, I had to let go of my dreams, I lost friends, I lost myself, and I was back to wishing I'd just go in my sleep so I don't have to deal with this anymore. The only real significant difference, is for all of September and most of October, I couldn't make it a week without crying really hard. Like, it wasn't just crying, it was painful, hard crying. Keep in mind that I'm not a cryer, at all. 4 years ago, I never cried. I went almost 2 years without crying, and in September I just lost it. I really fell apart. I was a mess.

I'm not saying I'm not a mess anymore, I just decided it was time for me to stop waiting. I waited long enough for things to turn around, and it's time for me to talk about the negatives and start moving past it. I had to let go of a lot of dreams (school being one of them) and I had to re-think my entire life...again. So, after a lot of thinking, I made a fashion blog. I love fashion and that's something that won't have to be vulnerable for me to write about (unlike this blog where it's all very personal.) I'm also going to start YouTubing more because I want happy things in my life. (Links to those pages will be in tabs.) On top of that, my family is going to be taking a puppy home soon. We picked him out 3 weeks ago and he'll be coming home a week before Christmas. I think he'll be really really good for me. I just need more light and positivity in my life, and what's more happy than a puppy?!

The best highlights of my last few months have been Halloween and Thanksgiving, which are in my top 3 favorite holidays. My family threw a party for Halloween and it was great. I had to sit on the couch the whole party, but it was great to have people around and to be laughing. For Thanksgiving, we had lots of family over and I had a great conversation with my uncle, and I actually really want to write about what he and I talked about. There were a lot of good themes in that conversation that I want to talk about. Hopefully I'll do a post for that soon.


Right now, I don't have a big inspirational twist to this. I'm not really to that point yet where I'm looking at this all in a positive way. But I moved up to at least being realistic and setting more realistic goals for my life. I want to get back to writing and I hope that soon I'll have something better to post on here. Hopefully something with a positive and inspirational twist to it.

But! Until then, I felt like it was time that I at least put an update out there. I can't move on to being positive again until I get the negatives out of the way. So, there you go. I got a lot out of the way. I don't know who will actually read all of this, but I needed to vent it out.

Thanks for reading if you did. I'll be back soon. In the meantime, go check out my new blog http://heyoitsmayo.blogspot.com💕

How I Became a Motivational Speaker

Last week, I got a phone call out of the blue from my old principal. He called, saying that the superintendent of our school district specifically asked for me, because he wanted me to come speak at the teacher assembly. He thought my graduation speech was by far the best of all the ones he saw this last June, and he in-fact he said that my speech was his "favorite speech ever!" He thought I would/they wanted me to "Inspire them and remind them what they do what they do." So, no pressure haha.  It's an assembly for all the public schools in our town, and it had about 600 people at it. I accepted the day after he called me and he told me I could say whatever I felt was fitting for the occasion. Just being told that, and knowing that they trusted me that much, was a great feeling. So, I pulled a speech together in 2 days.  Tuesday morning (8-16-16), I woke up at 6:30am (despite that normally I'm just falling asleep at that time), I got to the school at 7:45am like how I was asked to, I was introduced to many important officials in the school district, and then next thing I knew it was starting. I was the closing speaker. The motivational speaker who was there, went before me, and they wanted ME to close the assembly. Thats crazy!! My principal introduced me to the crowd while looking and sounding proud, then I sucked up my nerves, put on a big smile and faked confidence while I gave my speech. 10 minutes later, I finished my speech and with my final words everyone laughed and then stood up and gave me a standing ovation.  I was in shock, my hands were shaking from my nerves and the adrenalin rushing through me. While I was trying to go back to my seat, the superintendent came up to me and hugged me with tears still in his eyes. He told me to stay up there with him, and while we waited for the applause to die down he thanked me multiple times for being there. He told me that's the second time I've made him cry, and he said many other kinds things. Once everyone sat, he thanked me on the mic and said "Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us all. You're effecting lives and making such a big difference by sharing what you've been through." He then thanked the teachers for coming, and I was finally able to go shy away to my seat. My principal (whom I was sitting next to) leaned over and said, "It was perfect." The woman on my other side told me I did so great, then a woman behind me leaned forward, shook my hand and thanked me. Leaving took a solid 30 minutes or so, just because so many people kept stopping me and coming up to me to shake my hand and thank me. The superintendent told me he wanted a picture with me, so then I took many pictures with people. My principal gave me a hug and thanked me for coming. My old teachers came up and congratulated me and told me they were so proud of me. Then just the amount of strangers that complimented me was crazy. I lost count of the amount of times I was told I should be a motivational speaker. Which speaking of motivational speakers, we talked the the man who went before me and he said he actually based his speech on what he heard I would be talking about! The motivational speaker based his speech off of my speech! What's that about?! (He told a story of his troubled and utterly tragic past, and how important of a role his teachers and coaches played in his life. Hearing that he based his topic off of mine is even more cool, because I think he decided to share that very personal story with everyone because he heard I was telling my vulnerable story too. He said he usually doesn't talk about his past, but knowing he was able to talk about it because I was being vulnerable is kind of amazing.)  Little do all of them know being awake that early is not something I ever do. They have no idea that I've been struggling with motivation so it was very ironic that I was asked to come be a motivational speaker. They don't know that the only other speech I've ever given was my Valedictorian speech, I've never taken a speech class, and in fact, I've had terrible stage fright my whole life too! They have no idea how far out of my comfort zone I was doing that!! It was such an amazing experience. I feel so honored to have been asked to do that, and I feel so much more motivated now. They have no idea how much I was needing to know that I am effecting people. I was feeling so useless and irrelevant, but seeing that I effect so many people when I'm just myself means a lot. I've always been the shy kid, I've never been one to speak in front of a lot of people, I've always been introverted and the last 4 years I've basically been a hermit. People generally haven't really cared about me since I got sick, people don't understand what I go through, I don't have many friends, I don't leave the house often, I struggle quite a bit with depression, and now all of sudden I get asked to d something like that... I was requested to be a speaker by many people, meaning that many adults were excited I was there to speak! I brought people to tears, again. I got a standing ovation, again. I got hugs and handshakes and countless kind words from total strangers. The coolest thing is I was just being myself, and thats all they told me they wanted me to do. I actually could cry about how happy I am that I can make such a big difference and effect people in a really positive way by just being me. It's the best and most rewarding feeling. I'm just amazed and still in shock. My teachers continue to make me believe in myself more and more.... (Some pictures of the event)  (When he was thanking me in front of the crowd) (The superintendent, me, and my principal. Coincidentally all coordinated in blue haha. 👕👔👖💙) I finally uploaded the video to my speech (10 months later.) You can watch that here. I just want to start out by saying thank you for this opportunity. I’m so honored to be here and be able to talk to so many educators of this community. It means a lot to me to know that my Valedictorian speech had such a lasting impression on people too. I wrote it purposely to be vulnerable and true to who I am. It’s my story, so it means even more to know that people got it and really liked what I had to say. With that being said, I’ll read you all a portion of my graduation speech… "Just a year ago I wrote an essay about my deep love and appreciation, for bacon. That's not a lie. That's me. That’s who I am.  I'm an insomniac, a blogger, a YouTuber, a writer, a book worm, a music lover, a musician, and many other things. I love super-heroes and sarcasm and singing loudly in the car. I talk to my animals like they're people and I answer for them too, because I'm totally not crazy at all. My nickname is Mayonnaise. Yes, you heard that right. Mayonnaise, like the condiment. They call me Mayo for short, but that's it’s whole own story.  My point is, I'm a total and complete weirdo! That's who your Valedictorian is; a person who's nickname is Mayonnaise, who writes essays about bacon.  The future of America everyone. 🙌 Feel proud.  Aside from all the silly things I listed that I identify myself with, I didn't list one really big thing that takes up a huge portion of my life, and I didn't list it because I don't define myself by it. …… I’m sick.  I've actually been very sick the last 4 years of my life. I started my freshmen year just as normally and optimistically as every other kid at Paso High, but not even halfway into the first week of school, I got really sick. I spent the rest of the year in and out of hospitals, seeing countless doctors and being tested for anything and everything they thought I might have.  My friends turned into strangers and my doctors became my friends. At a time in my life when my biggest worries should have been about school and friends, and boys and silly things like what to wear; I was waiting for test results to find out if I had cancer or a tumor or something that might kill me.  In the blink of an eye I went from all honors classes and previously having straight A’s, to not even being able to do simple addition, reading or writing. I couldn't even walk 10 feet without starting to black out either, and the summer before I got sick I was in water polo, swimming for hours at a time, and doing over 300 sit ups per practice.  My life and who I was was ripped away from me and I desperately clung to anything I could that was still me. ……. 4 years later, I'm still sick. I’m immensely better, but I’m still sick. I just don't look it anymore. I'll smile and you'll see my normal looking exterior and you'll quickly notice my weird, silly, fun personality and you'd never know.... I still have insomnia and bad days. I was in the ER recently too because it was a really bad day. Despite everything that's been thrown my way over the past 4 years, here I am, somehow still in the place I always dreamed I'd be. It feels right, and yet totally bizarre. After years of hell, I'm finally ending this chapter of my life, and it's still the ending I'd always wanted. It ends with me graduating as valedictorian, giving a speech about life…and bacon. I have Lyme Disease. But that's not something I identify myself with. 4 years later, it still takes up and controls the majority of my life and it's in every cell of my body, but I am not my illness.  It just took me a while to learn that I get to decide what things I let define me. We all get to make the choice for ourselves. We get to choose how we define ourselves.  I will not be defined by my illness." Just like in my graduation speech, I want to take just a minute of my time here and use this amazing platform to spread some much needed awareness for Lyme Disease. For anyone who doesn't now what it is, all it takes is just one tiny tick bite and your life can be drastically changed. I really encourage everyone to just Google Lyme Disease and learn a little bit about it. I didn't even know what it was before I got it. Researching it and being aware of what it is can save your life.  At this point in my speech I said my thank you’s, I made some jokes, and I addressed my class. But since I have this time here today, I specifically want to talk to you, the teachers. I went to 4 different High Schools in the last for 4 years due to my complicated health issues, and I have nothing but great things to say about all the people who helped with my schooling.  I had a counselor at Paso High who went way out of his way to be kind and help me, I had a home-hospital teacher who would come to my house and would bring me my work, I had a teacher at Independence who would stay after school with me and tutored me to help me catch up, my teacher at Liberty helped me create an independent school schedule that helped me be able to graduate on time,…and that’s just listing a few!  I really just want to thank the School District, for having a school system that allows the teachers to be so compassionate. The amount of kindnesses that was shown to me made all the difference in my life, and was the reason I was still able to succeed academically.  I’ve had so many teachers impact me and my life, and I really wish I had the time to talk about all of them. But I’m just going to tell a short story about one instead… My 8th grade teacher is one of the teachers I’ll never forget. She was the first person to tell me I was a leader, and actually made me believe it. She made me see myself differently, and it forever changed my life…After graduation, I messaged her and finally, after many years, thanked her for everything she’s done for me, and I think you guys will really connect with what she said to me. She said, “Being a teacher, praying you touch a life is what you hope for. It’s the “beyond academics” that matter most.” Obviously, academics is a very important part in a teachers career, but I agree with my teacher. Its the things beyond academics that matter the most. The teachers that showed me extra kindness and compassion, the ones that would just sit and talk with me about life and would tell me funny stories and make me laugh. Those are the teachers that made the biggest difference in my life. Now-days bullying, depression, self harm, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses, are more of an issue than ever. Those things are all thrown into a category that my illness also falls into - “Invisible Illnesses.” Invisible illnesses are the most misunderstood kind of illnesses, because its hard for people to understand how something could be wrong with a person that looks “normal.” Just because someone looks or acts normal, doesn’t mean something serious isn’t going on below the surface.  It’s really hard to be a teenager now days, to say the least, and if you’re struggling from an invisible illness its even harder. All kids, and teenagers especially, want to see our potential. We just struggle to see our potential on our own. We need someone to make a difference. Teacher’s arguably play the most pivotal role in kids, and teens lives. Teachers make such a big difference! You all get the opportunity every year to effect kids and push them towards their potential.  Basically, I just want to tell you to keep doing what you do. Don’t be discouraged by our sass and sarcasm. Don’t give up on us, especially when we start to give up on ourselves. Keep making a difference! Just be patient, don’t give up, and don’t doubt how important of a role you play in your students lives. As a student who’s had a lot of teachers effect me as a person, thats what I wanted to say to the teachers of this community. On behalf of all kids, teenagers, and students out there, thank you so much for everything you do, and keep pushing us to be the best we can be both academically and in life too. As a finishing thought, I’ll leave you with the same thing I ended my Valedictorian speech with. It’s something that any age can appreciate and I think it’s meaningfulness is part of why people remembered my speech….  If you want some really good bacon go out and get the thick sliced kind. Pan fry it like you normally would, then put it on a sheet, brush it with maple syrup and oven bake it. Delicious. You’ll thank me later.