Valentine's Day And Dating Are 10x Hard For The Chronically Ill

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and especially the difficulties of dating while being chronically ill. In my experience, being chronically ill makes dating, or really any kind of relationship, 10 times harder.  

It’s hard to plan dates when I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. It’s hard to go on dates when I’m tired or hurting or struggling with anxiety. It’s hard to get and give gifts when I’m home bound and exhausted to the bone. It’s hard to fully be there for another person while I’m focusing on trying to save my own life and just survive through the day.  

Attempting to date while being chronically ill was a nightmare for me. Since I was home bound, online dating was my only option for a long time, and it did not work out for me at all. Usually, once I told a person I was sick they would give a quick, “That’s crazy. I’m so sorry.” Then shortly after that they would “ghost” and stop replying.  

If I had a dollar for every time someone has done that to me I would be one rich "sick-chick."  

Eventually, every once in a blue moon, I started going out with friends and one time I unknowingly was set up on a blind-date! Thankfully, that went very well. 3 and a half years later, we’re still together and so very happy. I'm extremely lucky to have ended up with a person who loves and supports me unconditionally. 

Although I am in remission and a solid 80% healthy, my life and health can still be unpredictable, and I continue to face many of the same frustrations about wishing I could give more.  

As a perfectionist, I want to give 110%, but I’m only at 80% and need a lot of those "spoons" just for myself and continuing to heal! 

6+ years of chronic illness and 1/3 of my life, and I’m still working on finding peace with accepting “just doing my best IS enough.” 


With all of this, I really just wanted to say a few things to a few people… 

To anyone out there who is chronically ill and struggling with dating, or struggling with feeling like they’re falling short in their relationship. I’ve been there and I know how you feel. With time it will get better. I promise. Just keep doing your best and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel like you ARE enough, exactly as you are, no matter if you’re having a good or bad day.  

To the people out there who are dating someone chronically ill and you do make them feel loved and accepted and appreciated for exactly who they are. Bless you and your beautiful soul. You are a gem, a true diamond in the rough, and you are so deeply appreciated. Thank you for giving unconditional love. 

To the people who “can’t handle” dating someone who’s chronically ill (or struggling with an invisible illness.) If you leave them, all I ask is that you do it in a way that they know they should never feel guilty, worthless, ashamed, or like they aren’t enough. Us chronically ill folks have so many people leave us in utterly heartbreaking ways. Please don’t be another one of those people. 

It may be uncomfortable to have a real conversation before leaving them, it may be much easier to “ghost”, and you may think it’s best for both of you if you just disappear. But you have no idea the amount of scars that will leave on them. Please remember you can leave someone’s life in a positive and kind way. Give them the compassionate closure they deserve and are rarely given. 

To the people who have been left without any closure. I feel your pain. I know these scars all too well. Please be patient with your healing and never doubt your worth. You are loved, you deserve love, and you will find love. Don't let cruel people ruin the hopes you have for love. Have hope that healing is possible and that someday you will find “your people” who love you just as you are.  

To any chronically ill people out there who don't have a Valentine this year. Hi, I’ll be your Valentine. You ARE enough. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are a warrior, and a survivor who is incredible for continuing to fight and so worthy of love. I’m proud of you. I see you. I appreciate you. You will forever have my love and respect. 

Happy Valentine’s Day,  

Love Savannah💌

Dear Ex Best Friend Who Left Me When I Became Chronically Ill

They say, in life, on average we have a whole new set of friends every 7 years. If you’re lucky, you may surpass that average and have friends that literally last a lifetime. Or if you’re like me and aren’t so lucky, life may throw you some unexpected curve-balls that people in your life just can’t handle, and you may lose friends at a much more rapid pace than “the average person.”

I got sick when I was 14 and I lost every single person in my life that wasn’t blood related to me. 

I’ve lost more friends in my life than I can begin to try and count, and it took me time to fully accept that losing all of those friends was not my fault, and I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply got sick, and people couldn’t handle how serious and scary my life got, so they left. 

I don’t really blame them for leaving either because I’ve deeply struggled with handling my illness too. I wouldn’t expect people to stick around if even I can’t handle my own illness. It’s a lot. Believe me, I know. 

Over the years, I’ve made amends with many who left, but most never gave me a conversation for closure, or even just a goodbye. I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to those people who left without so much as a goodbye, and so I decided to write a letter. 

This letter is to no one person in particular, but instead is inspired by my accumulatory loss of countless friendships and the things I wished I had said to them. 

Dear ex best friend,

We always said forever, and I know we both believed we would beat the odds. I’m genuinely sorry that we didn’t.

Losing you was my first and biggest heartbreak. 

I know I shouldn’t apologize for this, but I’m sorry that I got sick and that it was too much for our friendship to survive through. I know it’s not my fault that I got sick, but it’s hard not to feel somewhat responsible for this. I truly wish that our friendship didn’t have to be collateral damage of my illness.

I’m sorry that I missed out on all the things we said we would do together. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part of it all, and most importantly, I always still wanted to be a part of your life. 

I’m not sure if you know this, but I need you to know that I didn’t reach out because I was too sick. I was fighting to survive. I really only ever saw or talked to my family or my doctors, and that’s it.

My lack of efforts to try and talk to you and catch up wasn’t personal. I didn’t have anything against you. I was just too sick, and if I did have the energy I hope you know I would’ve chosen to reach out to you. 

Over the years, I have made some new friends, but I haven’t forgotten about you, and I don’t see how I ever could. We were best friends, nothing will ever replace the bond we had and all of the wonderful memories we share.

Although at times I’ve missed you terribly, I realize life has taken us in different directions. I know I’ve changed immensely from my health-crisis detour in life, and I’m sure you’ve changed plenty with time as well. It’s hard to know things will never be as they once were between us, even if we did have a fresh start.

I do have to admit I don’t understand why you never reached out to me though. Was my life really that overwhelming to you? I know it is a lot to handle. 

I’m not mad that you had to leave, especially if that’s what was best for your own well-being. But you couldn’t even say goodbye? Was saying goodbye just too hard for you?

In my isolation I was left to wonder if everyone who left truly just did not care about me at all. But I want to believe that isn’t true. I want to believe that you just couldn’t bear to see me suffer, couldn’t cope with the possibly that I may die, and couldn’t bear to actually say goodbye. 

I’ve wished so much that we could just talk and find closure and peace. Maybe you have questions you want answered, and I know I have countless questions I’ve wished I could ask you. 

I’ve held out hope that you would one day return for us to finally have the conversation of closure we both deserve, but you never showed up, and in my small attempts to reach out to you, I felt utterly rejected. It hurt too much to keep trying. And who knows, maybe you feel the same and that’s why you gave up too. 

I’ve finally realized I need to let go of “us”, move on with my life, and let you move on with yours. 

Although it’s time for me to finally fully close the door on our past, just in case this really is the last time we talk, I need you to know a few last things before I go.

I still love you and can’t imagine a day that I won’t.

Your friendship was priceless to me and I truly will cherish it forever. 

There’s no hard feelings. I really have never been mad at you or solely blamed you for the end of our friendship. I only was ever sad about losing you, wondered what exactly went wrong, and wished things could be different. Please know, I take responsibility for my shortcomings in my half of our relationship.

I hope your life is full of people you can be your true self with, and that they love you unconditionally just as you are.

I hope your new friends support you, uplift you, are there for you, and follow through in doing all of the things you plan to do together. I wish so much that I could’ve been that for you, but I hope they make up for that in spades. 

I have always, and will always wish you all the best in life. 

I hope you find a plethora of happiness, passions, and love. 

I hope your true love is everything we dreamed they’d be and more. 

I hope your wedding is beautiful, that your kids are as fantastic as you were as a kid, and that your lifetime is full of endless adventures and blessings. 

If life every leads you back to me, don’t be afraid to say hello. 

If this is the end, please know I’ll never forget you, and I truly will cherish our memories forever.

Thank you for everything.

And to finally say the word you never could, and the one I’ve been putting off saying for far too long as well, but I think we both need to say it…

Goodbye. 

Love, your ex best friend. 

A Much Needed Vacation

Well, yesterday evening I got home from my first real vacation I've had since I got sick 6 years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to Newport Beach for a week, just the two of us, and it was absolutly wonderful. The weather was perfect, we had an amazing room and a beautiful view of the ocean both from bed and from the living room. We went to Laguna Beach, Balboa Island, Fashion Island, we explored the giant resort, and some near by little areas. We sang and danced and laughed for a week together and it seriously feels like a dream!

I don't think it's all fully set in yet just how HUGE of a milestone this vacation was for me. I did SO MUCH! I cooked all my own meals for a week, and was able to do most of my own dishes too. I was able to take care of myself and do all my needed daily things, AND I still had energy to go on spontaneous little drives and adventures. That's HUGEEEE for me!

Just two years ago I couldn't even walk across the house without help. I was just completely drained and exhausted in every way, and I was done. Not only was I 100% sure that I wouldn't live much longer, I didn't even want to fight or live anymore. I was just tired, and not a kind of tired that sleep even remotely helps.

I also had crippling anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and depression at that time too, and during this entire trip (from planning, to traveling there and back, and everything in-between) I was not stressed, I was not worried, I didn't overthink, and my mind didn't hold me back at all! I was happy and present and just enjoying every moment, and I'm super thankful and happy that Justin was able to do the same too!

He and I met 3 years ago, so he's only ever known "sick me", and he's seen me and stuck by me through my absolute lowest points in this chronic illness journey. For any that don't know, since we met he's become a lifeguard then an EMT and the last two summers he worked as an EMT. He's planning/working towards becoming a firefighter or paramedic.

He essentially has been the perfect person for me to be in a relationship with because when my health would take unexpected dips and we'd have to rush to the ER, he handled it incredibly well, and I need my partner to be able to handle both the good days and the really bad ones.

To be able to live any kind of a normal life I do need that kind of protection and safety net in not only my partner but also just whatever person I'm with. The friends I hangout with away from home are briefed with essentially a "What to do if I suddenly tank." I don't currently drive so when I leave the house I'm always with at least one person, and essentially I have to be able to trust my life in that persons hands. That is a lot of pressure to put on any person, but I have tanked suddenly countless times and living this way has saved my life on many occasions. I have safety nets for good reason.

I know not everyone can handle that kind of pressure, and thats why I don't have a lot of friends, and haven't since I got sick 6 years ago. Not many can handle that kind of pressure or seriousness, and even more than that, many can't manage act normal or natural if they know the seriousness of my health history. So, I'm incredibly thankful for the friends and people in my life who do handle it and are willing to go the extra mile to be a friend to me. My boyfriend most definitely is a person who has always been willing and happy to go an extra mile or two just to make me happy or make my life a little easier. Words just don't put my gratitude to justice.

Being sick for so many years, its easy to feel like a burden to the people around you. At many times I've felt like a burden or a job to Justin, because he literally is an EMT, that IS his job. But amazingly, this whole vacation he said he wasn't worried or stressed at all, neither of us were, and that alone says a lot about how far I've come.

It is sad to me sometimes to think that he's never even known what I'm like or who I am as a 100% healthy person, but the blessing about him only having known "sick me" is that our entire relationship has been built upon finding the absolute best in even the hardest times. It doesn't take a ton to make us feel really happy and fulfilled in the time we spend together. Genuinely really enjoying each others company and our conversations IS what our relationship's foundation, and I love that about us.

Having this trip and being able to do so much went so far above and beyond our expectations. It truly was amazing, and I'm so thankful to have shared such a big milestone with a person who has been such an essential part of why I'm still alive and here on this planet.

There were many moments on this trip were I forgot about all the hell I've been though the last 6 years, I felt normal, I felt like the old me, "healthy me", and that rarely ever happens to me!

As I'm healing and getting better and better, it's been a re-awakening or a re-birth of me and who I am as a person. This whole journey has been such a transformation and metamorphosis. I've grown and learned so so much as a person in the last 6 years.

There are so many parts of myself that I had long thought died and had come to peace with never having those parts of myself again, but so many things just keep waking back up. It's been amazing for me to be rediscovering parts of myself that have been dormant for so many years, and it's incredible to get to see Justin get to meet and love all these new healthy sides to me too.

He met and loved me so wholly even when I was just broken pieces, and I'd found peace and happiness in that state too. All of this is just bonuses and blessings and miracles and gifts from... idk someone out there who loves me.

I'm blown away with how far I've come in two years since that time, and how far I've come in even just the last year! There's no way I could've done this trip even just 6 months ago!

Yes, I am still held back physically, and still have a ways to go until I'm "healthy." But this trip was such a big accomplishment and such a huge milestone. It's a true testament of how far I've come and I am just beyond grateful for my progress and that I'm still continuing to heal.

This whole post I've been trying so hard to put all of these feelings into words and this still doesn't even come close to expressing the amount of gratitude I feel. To put things as simply as possible...

I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.

I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. 

Thank you Justin for loving me through good times and bad. You truly are one of my biggest unsung heroes. You mean the world to me, and I know this is just the first of many vacations we will get to take together. ❤️

Thank you to my parents for making this trip happen, and for all of your love and support and your continued help in getting me healthy.

Thank you to my family and friends for sticking by me and being happy to be my safety net.

(and last but not least)

Thank you to all the "someones out there who love me."😇 I see you.😘 I love you too. Thank you for everything. 💖

6 Year Anniversary Of Being Chronically Ill

As I said in my last post, it's been so long since I've written about my life that I'm gonna have to break it all down into smaller parts. In my last post,  5 Months, 6 Years, and 7 Splinters,  I talked about the loss of my friend Alex, whom died from the same chronic illnesses I have (Lyme, Co-infections, and MCAS.)
If you want to hear more of the story of my 6 years of chronic illness then you should check out my Vlog playlist "Lyme Diaries" (<-click to watch.) I talk all about my health journey, I talk about what my illnesses are, what it feels like to be sick, and I even share some of Alex's story too.

In my last post I also said that in my next post (this post) I'd talk more about how 6 years of chronic illness has effected me, so that's what we're doing here today!

Every year of this 6 years of being sick has been so vastly different on every level - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Like I said in my last post, the only real consistent thing about the last 6 years of my life is how inconsistent everything has been. Everything is always changing, but I guess thats just life huh? Nothing ever stays the same for long. Thankfully though that's how the world and nature is designed, it's supposed to change. Look at the seasons for example, look at how different summer and winter are, or spring and fall, but look at how nature just adapts and moves with the changes and not against it. 

A huge thing I've learned over the past 6 years and gotten pretty good at is to not fight change. "Why stress about things you can't control?" That's something I've always said. I've learned to adapt, and thankfully I'm actually learning how to thrive in my quickly ever-changing life. 

But even though I've come so far and now am a good 80% better (which is the best I've done in, 6 years), I still have my moments of struggle. About a week before the official 6 year anniversary, I completely fell apart. After 6 years I've noticed that I do have some patterns, and one pattern is that I always break down around the anniversary of when I got sick. So I fully knew I was going to have a breakdown, I expected that much, but every year it's so different, so I never know when exactly my breakdown will be or how it will effect me. 

I thought that since I'm doing so much better and I'm so much happier that I would breeze though the anniversary this year! But I thought wrong. Sadly, it hurt more than ever this year. It seems like every year the pain of everything I've lost only has just gotten more and more painful.

I was disappointed that it hurt so badly and that I had to re-greive over everything all over again, and not only was I grieving all of my own pain and losses, but I felt the guilt of having my family go through so much too, and I grieved the loss of Alex too. I kept wondering why her? Why me? Why did she die even though she'd only been diagnosed for a year, but I've been sick for all these years and I'm the one who lived?

Playing the guessing game of "why" or "what if" never goes well, and spoiler alert, you never get those questions answered. Sometimes we simply just don't get to know "why." But even though I already know that I won't have those questions answered, I still found myself asking those questions anyway...

I cried, a lot, and I let myself go through the whole rainbow of emotions because another thing I've learned in the last 6 years is that emotions will always be felt, and tears will always eventually be cried. You can wall yourself up, and hold it all in all you want, but eventually you will feel it all because emotions demand to be felt and you will go through the 7 stages of greif at one point or another. I learned those lessons the hard way too.

But I think the reason the anniversary hurts more each year has a lot to do with the fact that I'm still in this fight after 6 whole years. Yes, I'm in remission. Yes, I'm 80% better and still steadily improving. Those are both incredible things that I'm SO grateful for too! But I work very hard at my healing every day and it's a delicate balance that I've just gotten very good at, I'm still limited and held back, and I'm not healthy or back to living a "normal" life. This time of year always makes me very acutely aware of all of the things I'm unable to do too.

For example:
-Over summer everyone travels and posts pictures of the amazing places they go to. I used to be like that, I was that person who traveled and I loved photographing my travels. But I haven't been able to fly for 6 years, and later this month I'll be going on my first real vacation in 6 years. (I'm going to Newport Beach, CA for a week with my boyfriend.)
-People go to concerts, parties, events, adventures, road trips, and all sorts of things and I used to live like that, but I just can't anymore, not with my health as fragile as it still is. (I was able to go to 2 concerts this summer, but I used to go to TONS, and I miss that.)

-Everyone is going back to school currently, and I can't go to school still. I did independent studies all through high school, and I had to drop out of college 2 years ago because my health tanked and I almost died...again!
-Lots of people my age have jobs too, and I can't work.
-I don't drive because I haven't been healthy enough. I'm just now at a point where I can start leaning.
-People my age are even starting to have kids and start families and that absolutely is something I want, and even that I can't do because my body isn't healthy enough to create or carry a child, and for sure I don't have the energy to raise or financially support a child on my on either!

I see so many people doing things I've been wanting to do for years, and I see myself in what feels like the exact same place, and it sucks! Plain and simple! It sucks!

The only people I know who truly understand how difficult and triggering certain times of year are, are other chronically ill people. It's just tough, and sadly a lot of people don't even understand why you're sad. From their perspective they don't think you're missing out on much, and I've had so many people tell me to "just move on, leave the past in the past."

It's not that simple.

I've been sick (which by the way has at times been excruciatingly painful, on every level) and my life has been abruptly halted for 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS!

To put that in perspective for you, I got sick when I was 14, and I am now 20.
6 years total - which hasn't been a walk in the park! It's consumed of being house bound, with head to toe pain, plus neurological symptoms like depression and panic attacks, I had no friends (for most of it), and as we just talked about, I've been extremely limited in what I can do. Ya know... just to list some of it.
6 years of that.
6 years out of my 20.
6/20 = 3/10 = 30%
30% of my life I've spent sick.
One third of my life!
This has literally consumed and taken up one third of the life I've lived thus far, and not just that, it's almost killed me on a few occasions!

It's. Been. Hard.
And sometimes you just have to re-grieve all of the hard times you've faced.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my progress, that I'm so much healthier, that I'm doing more than I've been able to do in 6 years, and that I'm genuinely the happiest and most myself I've been maybe ever. But I want more than this, and by that I mean that I don't want to be held back by an illness! I don't want to feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines just watching life go by! I want to live.

To clarify farther, I don't want to go out and be wild and reckless. I just want to live without walls being in my way. I want to go out and do things and have fun and not have to constantly worry or stress if something is going to bottom out my health all the way back down to zero. I want to make a life for myself. I want to be able to live on my own. I want to have a family. I want to be healthy enough to do these things and even just to be able to do simple things like going to the grocery store on my own! It's not all big things that I'm unable to do, there are still simple little daily life things that I'm unable to do, or that I need help doing.

I was born a strong independent woman, and I want to be able to stand on my own two feet!


During the breakdown, my vision was 6/20. - I could only focus on the hard and painful truth that I've been sick for a 3rd of my life. I saw struggle, and pain, and what felt like failure after failure.

Post breakdown, my vision is 20/20. - I now am focusing on the fact that it is a straight up miracle that I'm alive, and that I'm incredibly blessed to have lived 20 years with all the highs and the lows too. I see strength, determination, a plethora of successes, and bounds of growth on every level of my being.


A breakdown will make you re-live your lowest lows, and yes that sucks, but once you rise again you can move forward with so much more perspective about how far you've come because you get to re-live all your highest highs.

I have been on such a long, tough journey, and there are not enough words for me to express how grateful I'm am for everything I've learned along the way. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I gained so much that I never would've had unless my life took this detour. I've met amazing people, I've helped amazing people, I found my purpose in life, I found faith and hope, I found love, I found...me.

I'm truly, genuinely, deeply happy with where I am right now!

For the first time in my life I learned how to be happy with where I am right now, to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is without thinking of the past or the future. But I also allow myself to feel emotions and I don't beat myself if I do feel sad about the past or if I worry about the future. I do my best every single day, and I'm happy with that.

And yet, even with all of that, I still know how to dream and hope for even better days, and I have faith that they surely do lie ahead!

I found balance.

I don't know when exactly this detour will be over and a more "normal" life will resume, but until then, I'll do my best to enjoy the ride, enjoy the scenic route, to keep learning, and I most definitely will be counting my blessings. 

The moral of the story and the message of all of this is to allow yourself to feel highs and lows without guilt or shame or beating yourself up. You're human. You feel. It's okay to not be okay sometimes, and it's also okay to be super happy and confident and proud at other times. Life just has it's ups and downs, but life is designed and meant to change, and so are we.

Don't fight the waves of change, ride them. 🏄

2 Years Since My Graduation!

2 years ago today, I graduated as Valedictorian of my class and I gave this speech. 

Believe it or not, I've had terrible stage fright my entire life, and still to this day I'm amazed I was able to deliver such a strong speech. It's the first speech I'd ever given too. AND I was having such a bad health day that day! But I somehow managed to look and sound totally normal! That's a HUGE win for a chronically ill person!

One and a half years ago, just 6 months after I gave this graduation speech, I was dying. I was back down to the absolute my sickest point again, and I was barely hanging on by a thread. 

I didn't think I would make it. 

For the first time, I actually just told my mom earlier this week that when I got to that point I started to write letters to everyone because I didn't think I'd live much longer, and I didn't want to leave things unsaid. 

I had been on death's doorstep before then, and I'd never written anything or planned my life for after I'd die. But, a year and a half ago, I was doing those things. 

Writing those letters is hands down the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot too. 

It deeply changed me as a person... 

Writing letters to the people you love most in the world talking about how "I'm sorry I didn't make it" is extremely hard and painful, but not just that, I really, truly believed and 100% felt I would not live much longer beyond the point that I started writing those letters. 

It's a feeling I barely know how to put into words, and it's a feeling I hope most people never experience...

I never finished writing my letters though. I only got through a few of them and I had a "come to Jesus" type moment where I realized, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving up? I don't give up!" 

I realized I had come back to the point of needing to choose if I was going to live or die, and acting that way, I was choosing death. 

After 5 years of battling terrible illnesses, I don't think anyone would've resented or blamed me for being exhausted and throwing in the towel, but I did...I resented me for it. I don't give up. That completely goes against who I am as a person, and not just that, but many many years ago I made my mom a promise that I would fight til the end and never give up. So long as she fights for me, I will fight too. I realized though, that within that promise was another flaw in my plans. 

A year and a half ago, I could no longer live just for the sake of my family, I realized I had to want to and choose to live for ME. 

I knew it was the only way I could survive. 

I balled my eyes out, I left those letters in the past, and I chose to live, for me. 

I slowly began to rebuild and redefine my life, yet again, and I'm now in a place I never could've imagined. I'm such a different person that who I was 6 years ago, and even just 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more proud or grateful for the amount of love, support, growth, and life changing inspiration I've encountered on my journey. 

It is a flat out MIRACLE that I am alive today, and that's something I know for sure and something I never take for granted anymore.

5 years ago, I technically should've died from being undiagnosed and untreated for a year. 

That, plus the amount of times I've almost died over the years due to my illnesses, the pain, exhaustion, not sleeping, my heart struggling, my gut failing me, the completely mind altering depression, depersonalization, or being suicidal, or so many other things I've struggled with!

I'm sure it's easy for people to look at me and say "I always knew you'd make it." Or they see me healthy now and just never think I could've lost my life to these illnesses. But the people who really saw me and were with me through this illness know... My family, my boyfriend, my doctors, my medical "team"... they know how much of a miracle it is that I'm alive. They saw how much of me died when I was at my lowest and darkest moments. 

As many know, I lost a friend of mine, back in March, to all of the same illnesses I have/had. Our stories are so paralleled, and losing her totally tore my family up emotionally, not only because it was a tragic loss of a beautiful soul, but because it was a true testament to how close we were to that being me. 

THAT is another feeling I hardly know how to describe, and wish people never have to experience that either because yes, I am still alive, but we know how much of me truly did die along this journey. It's such a deep pain for all of us...

...

Yesterday afternoon, my second to youngest cousin graduated high school. 

Our dads are identical twins, and so genetically she and her two brothers are actually my half siblings. That's a theory I mentioned at a family BBQ at their house a few years back. Since then, a few of us have done genetic testing, and sure enough, genetically they are my half siblings!

So really, she's not just a cousin to me. 

How fitting too that we graduated 2 years apart and almost exactly to the day!! Just one day off!

AND

The girl who's name was called right before her, her first name is Savannah! The only Savannah in her whole class! 

Coincidence? I think not. ;)

I was on the verge of tears for most of the graduation, not just because I am so proud and happy for her and her family, but because watching her graduation had me reflecting so much about my past and how far I've come since my graduation. 

More than anything, I feel so incredibly blessed to just be alive.

I felt so blessed to just be there, to witness that huge milestone in her and her family's lives. I also just feel so grateful for how far I've come in the 2 years since I graduated. Little by little I am carving out a whole new life, and a new normal that I love and am so proud of. ❤️

What a big chapter of our lives ending...

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us all, and I feel so blessed and grateful for this journey. ❤️

...

Today, I woke up and watched my Valedictorian speech for the first time in a long time. I had tears in my eyes, chills covering my body, and an overflowing amount of gratitude in my heart. Afterwards, I sat there and out loud, I said "Thank you." to the universe, god, the guardian angels, and whoever all is out there and has been looking out for me and has helped me get to where I am today. 

Thank you, to those of you who have been a part of making me into the person I am.

A HUGE thank you to the people who have actively helped me too. 

Most of all, thank you to my family, and my boyfriend too. Justin, you're an unsung hero I don't publicly give credit to nearly often enough. ❤️

I'm grateful for all of you though and for everything you've done. 

After living through being on death's doorstep more than a handful of times, I'm just unbelievingly grateful for life. It's something I'm never sure I'll ever be able to accurately express. I mean... I was given more than just a second chance at life, I was given...9 lives!

(For those of you who know me well, you'd know that 9 has been my lucky number my entire life, I've always loved cats, I have lots of cats, AND I've always said that if I were an animal I would be a cat of some kind. So my 9 lives are so fitting!😉)

What a life...

What a crazy chapter...

Thank you to everyone who's been a part of it!

On to the next chapter!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.