I'M ENGAGED! I proposed on 2/22/2020

Realizing I Wanted To Propose To My Boyfriend 

In October (2019) I realized that 2020 was a leap year, and somehow, that was my sign, that’s how I knew I was going to propose to my boyfriend.

4 years ago, with the last leap year, I learned about an old Irish tradition of women proposing on leap day on leap year, and I thought it was so cute. (There’s a movie called Leap Year too. It’s super cute. I defs recommend it.) 

4 years ago though, with the last leap year, Justin and I had only been together for 6 months or less, so naturally I just fantasied about the future instead. I wondered if we’d still be together, and if I’d still like this leap year proposal idea. “What if I propose on the next leap year in 2020?”

I feel like I had been waiting for a sign to take the leap, and leap year was that sign for me. 

I knew right away I’d propose in February, but I wasn’t sure if I would do it on leap day exactly, or maybe Valentine’s Day. Eventually I just opted to choose the weekend between those two and go for February 22nd. 22 is a meaningful number to me too, plus I’m 22, and he’s 22, and on 2/22/2020. All the twos! 

The Planning & Prepping

I had been planning this since October and I wildly underestimated how hard it would be to get through all of the holidays between October and February and NOT propose. There was Halloween, Thanksgiving, December and all of its Christmasy cuteness, there was New Year’s Eve, my birthday in January, and then Valentine’s Day too. There was so many days where I almost proposed, or almost slipped up and mentioned something about it!

I highly recommend NOT planning a proposal 6 months away because OMG it’s so hard to keep it a secret for that long!! 

But I’m stubborn and I had a plan and wanted to stick to it. 

So...

In November I got him a ring that I know he’d love. 

In December I crafted a solid plan that I knew I would stick to. 

In early January I told just our immediate families. 

In late January I told him to save Feb 22nd as a belated Valentine’s date night and that we should dress up, go out, stop by the beach, and go to dinner. He was totally down and didn’t seem to suspect a thing. 

The Proposal 

On 2/22/2020, I asked my best friend to marry me and (spoiler alert) he said yes!

I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn the proposal into a video, but I decided to go for it, and I decided to share it too. I made the video for us mostly, secondly for friends and family, and then just for anyone who likes happy, feel-good content. I love these kinds of videos and always have, so I figured, why not share it and spread some happy content.

I'm so happy I turned it into a video too because that day and really this whole first week has been a whirlwind. Having the video to look back on and rewatch really helps this milestone sink in more.

You can watch the proposal here:

Then.... We Were On TV!

Amidst the countless congratulatory messages we were receiving from family, a few days after sharing our proposal video, a TV producer DMd me on Instagram. She said she loved the video and asked if she could share it online and also put it on TV. I said yes. Why not share the happiness even farther? Right?

Our proposal was on TV on 2/27, I had recorded it in the morning and later that evening we just so happened to be having a birthday dinner for my grandpa, so we all got to watch the tv clip together. Pretty crazy. So surreal. I still can't really wrap my head around this week.

The show is called Right This Minute, it's a viral video sharing show. They try to share videos before they go viral.

You can watch the TV clip here. It's exactly what was on TV.

Follow Your Heart

After watching the video and after reading this, you'll obviously see that I've wanted to ask him the big question for a long time. 

I’m such a firm believer of following your happiness, following your heart, and not letting anyone or anything, not even yourself, get in the way of that. I’ve been so true to that in most of my life too, but this was a big thing I had just continued to let myself overthink. I worried about social-norms, and breaking the mold too much. Although I know this was the perfect time for this milestone, I do wish I hadn't let those fears hang over me for so long. 

I’m ready to step into this new decade just fully following through with wholeheartedly, unapologetically letting my heart lead the way. 

There was no better way for me to start this new chapter than doing exactly this. 


The Big LEAP

Today is leap day and as I'm reflecting back, I could not be more proud of myself and how far I've come since the last leap day 4 years ago. Although I had fears, I had faith, and that was stronger. I took the big leap, and look at everything that's come of that. 

I gotta say too, I'm damn proud of how far my FIANCE (omg so cool to say that) and I have come in these 4 years too. So proud. Man we've faced so much together, but we've come out the other side closer and with a stronger, deeper, richer love than ever. I am so blessed to have a life partner who loves all of me - highs, loves, untraditional, and all of my unique-ness. 

Ps. I’ve never understood why only men propose in straight relationships. That’s never resonated with me, and obviously I’ve always loved the idea of me being the one to propose.

I’ve always believed that if a woman wants to propose, then she should, because relationships are 50/50 and it’s just as much our say as it is theirs. Equality. Period. 

Regardless of gender, if your heart is set on someone, if you’re ready to take that leap and think they will leap with you, then you should simply listen to and follow your heart. 

You don’t need a leap year to take the leap, but it’s okay if it takes a leap year to remind you of that. 😆😉

22 - A Tribute To Alex

On the 16th I turned 22, which is the age that my friend Alex passed away at. She died of all the same illnesses I had, and two years ago when she passed away I was just newly in remission. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and even thriving now. 

To be turning the age she was when she passed away is so incredibly bittersweet for me. She has been constantly, heavily on my mind lately. But I can feel that this year of being 22 is going to bring me so many blessings. I just know it, and I know Alex will be working her magic. 

Alex’s number was 22, it was her lucky number, it was always her sports number, and she ended up even passing away at 22.

Just about every day that she’s been gone she sends me a strategically timed 22 somewhere as a little hello from heaven, as a pat on the back, as encouragement, as guidance, as a reminder... 

Example: Right after midnight this New Year’s Eve I noticed we had been dancing right next to table number 22, and I knew that was her way of saying she was with us and she was happy for my happiness. 

I’m blessed that she is always with me, every day, and since we’re walking through life hand in hand between worlds, 22 has become my number too, my other number, our number. 

I’m intentionally carrying forward Alex’s 22s and everything that her beautiful soul embodies. To be turning 22, her number, is emotional, and special, and so meaningful. I feel her with me more than ever.

She’s been encouraging me so much to celebrate life and all of my blessings and milestones, and I am, and I will continue to remind myself to do so! But I also can’t help that there is a big part of my heart that in some way wants to dedicate this year of being 22 to her. That may sound odd to some too, but I know what I’m feeling inside. If nothing else, I know I can honor her by reminding myself to live life the way she would’ve wanted me to. Maybe an essence of, “What would Alex do?” 

Alex was a giver, she was courageous, she was graceful and humble and kind. She had so much faith and so much hope. She believed. When in doubt, she just simply believed and had hope. If there wasn’t light in a situation, she would become the light. 

So as I’m stepping into being 22, that’s what I want to embody, and that’s how I want to honor Alex. 

Thank you, to my dear sweet angel friend, Alex. 

I coincidentally finished writing this at 2:22.

More About Alex

If anyone reading this would like to learn more about Alex's story or if you'd like to donate to the Alex Hudson Lyme Foundation you can visit their website here: https://www.alexhudsonlymefoundation.org

I also shared some of Alex's story in this video. 

Turning 22 and Some Other Amazing Milestones

Every year, my birthday is always is a time that I like to stop and reflect. A few years I’ve written blog posts for my birthday, and this year I decided to do that again. 

Looking back, I’ve had some very difficult birthdays, and I even have a birthday I don’t remember at all because I was so sick at that time. I spent so many long, hard years fighting to move forward and dreaming and hoping that better days would lie ahead of me. But it’s funny how we can end up stepping into our dreams and not fully realize that we’ve just reached a destination we had been dreaming about for so long. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We often forget to stop and acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve worked to get where we are right now. We forget to simply just appreciate the blessings that are all around us here in the present moment. 

I’ve had a particularly busy past year, to say the least. I’ve done a lot and accomplished so much and I’m continuing to move forward quickly too. The pace has been so fast though that it hasn’t even fully sunk in that not only have I accomplished a TON of my dreams, but I’ve surpassed a lot of them too. 

For example: This week I started working at my parents office, and it didn’t sink in how big of a deal that is until after a few people happy cried when I told them that news. Having people react that way made me stop and realize, “Wow…Yeah…This IS a big deal.” 

I’ve reached a destination that my past self didn’t think would ever be possible. 

But how amazing that I’m finally to a point in my journey that health has become my normal, so-much-so that I didn’t even realize I’ve arrived here. I didn’t hesitate to take the job fearing “what ifs.” I felt so confident and happy in myself that my old limitations hardly crossed my mind at all. It took multiple people happy crying for me to realize that that is a totally appropriate response, because this is HUGE. It’s surreal that realizing these things is such an afterthought too. 

It’s an amazing feeling to realize that I’ve really settled into my new normal and that my past is just that, just my past, just things that are behind me.

In the last year the thing I worked on the most was healing my ptsd. A year ago I was still frequently hung up by old fears, old limitations, and old anxieties. My body had healed past a lot, but my mind still wasn’t convinced. So I worked very hard to push past those mental walls, and this week, I realized I have. 

As incredibly excited I am for the future knowing that my dreams are possible and within reach, this week, and yesterday for my birthday, I’ve made sure to stop for a moment to be present, to count my blessings, to pat myself on the back, and to thank the universe for sticking by my side through everything. 

Past me would not believe where I am right now. 

Past me would be bawling happy tears. 

Past me would be so proud. 

But present me is proud too. 

I saw this quote and it’s so relevant to how I’m feeling. 

I spent too many birthdays so very sick and wishing I could do so much more. I wished I had the energy to get dressed, to do my makeup, to brush my hair, to go out, and wishing I had friends to go out with. I would spend the day at home with my family, and I was so grateful for that, but I also longed for so much more too. 

Yesterday, I spent my 22nd birthday doing pretty much what I’ve always done. I had a pajama day, I didn’t do my makeup or brush my hair, I didn’t go out, I didn’t see friends. I spent the night laughing with my family…not because I was sick or limited, but purely because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. The difference now is that I have options, and I chose to spend my day the same way I always have. I have friends, I do go out when I want to, I can get dressed up and do all of the things. But isn’t it funny how you can come full circle and realize that all-along you were already in the exact place you wanted and needed to be. 

Knowing that I actually have a choice now makes a world of difference, but realizing I was always exactly where (deep down) I wanted to be is healing beyond what words can even express. 

End Of The Year Reflection

Reflecting On My Past Year

I’m not one who does “New Years resolutions” per-say, but the last few years I’ve created long lists with goals or things I would like to get done in the next year or so of time. As a Capricorn, I do love a good, categorized list. 

At the end of the year I like to reflect and go through my list and appreciate everything I accomplished in the past year. Then for the beginning of the new year I make a new list. Anything I didn't get done the past year remains, anything I want to continue to do remains, and new goals get added as well. 

This year I didn’t accomplish everything on my lists for “work” or “adulting”, but I did make “love” a priority, and that makes me happy. I did almost everything on my “health” list, I kept my “mindsets” in mind, and above all else, I accomplished everything on my “self love” list, and I love that. 

Really, my main intention this year was to choose love and happiness everywhere I could. I decided I would choose the things that make me happy and things that fill my heart, and I’m very proud to say that that is what I did with my year. 

I intentionally put “work” and “adulting” on the back burner, and I’m thankful that I was able to do so and that I was able to give myself this year of love and happiness instead. What an incredible blessing that is. 

It was so need too. 

My body, my mind, and my soul needed this replenishing year, more than you can begin to imagine. How lucky am I that I was able to recognize this too, and that I was able to give myself what I really needed? 

I know not everyone feels like they have this chance to give themself that much self love, but man... If you get a chance to be able to chose love and happiness, I highly recommend that you take that chance and claim your joy. Life is too short to let that pass you by. Don’t wait to be happy. Don’t wait to choose love and value your heart. You deserve those things always. 

Some Cool Things I Accomplished This Year

• I branched out and made new friends. 
• I reconnected with old friends and hosted a class reunion. 
• I’m 50k+ words into writing my first book. 
• I became a certified reiki master. 
• I’m 90% better, health wise. 
• I’m finally back to weighing what I weighed before I got sick. 
• I moved out into the pool house and am living with my boyfriend. 
• I’m finally driving (I got my permit a few months ago and didn't really tell people.)

I read good books, I learned new things, I tried new things, I listened to good music, I binge watched a few good tv series, I caught up on movies I wanted to see, I got back to doing more hobbies and things that make me happy, I got back to enjoying life. 

I followed my happiness and chose love. 

I was true to myself. 

I was happy. 

THAT is everything. THAT is priceless. 

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

Recently, I had a long and meaningful phone conversation with my only friend in remission.

She and I have very paralleled health journeys, having our lowest points around the same time, almost dying around the same time, and we ended up in remission around the same time too.

We’ve bonded a lot over our paralleled health stories, but especially over our paralleled remission journeys. 

One day we had this long phone call just comparing notes, comparing things we both went through, and one topic I loved and wanted to turn into something to share was the topic of, “The things people don’t tell you about remission.”

She and I both were very much so “lone wolves” in our health struggles and had no real reference point of what our futures (and health especially) would look like. Honestly, we both had come to terms with death as a very realistic option because with how sick we got neither of us really expected to live to see where we are now. Through stubborn perseverance we are both alive and well, but since we had no reference points for what to expect in health, we had no idea what to expect for “remission” either.

Thus…

The Things People Don’t Tell You About Remission

🌸Remission doesn’t instantly mean that you’re 100% better and back to a totally normal “Old you”,“old life.”

🌸Remission (and healing) is a gradual process. You will have to continue to be patient, forgiving, and extra compassionate to yourself, and on top of it all you will still need to work daily on continuing and up-keeping your health. 

🌸There are still a hell of a lot of good days and bad days, but they become less extreme, the bad days start to lessen, and the good days gradually get better. Shit will still hit the fan from time to time, but it won’t be as bad, or nearly as frequent, and you gradually will learn to cope better and better with it.

🌸The good days feel even better than you can imagine, and you will happy cry a lot.

🌸The bad days will likely trigger your past scars a lot more than you’d expect. 

🌸Health flares do still happen, for a lot longer than you’d probably expect. Don’t panic, it doesn’t  necessarily mean you’re relapsing and need to jump back into fight or flight responses. It could be hormones, it could be stress, it could be the moon, it could be a cold, it could be that you ate some food you shouldn’t have. Chill, give it a few days, and see how you do. Healthy people function by the rule of ,“Wait a week or two and see if it worsens, contact your doctor if it does.” This is you now. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 

🌸Some days you’re going to cry like the world is ending and you don’t even know why.

🌸Some days you’re going to still feel stuck, “less than”, or frustrated in the pace that things are going. 

🌸Some days you’re going to wonder if it all was a bad dream. 

🌸Some moments you’re going to completely forget about the past. 

🌸It will all feel a bit odd and twilight-zone-y, like your own personal parallel universes are colliding. 

🌸You will fit in even less now. When you were healthy you had that, when you were sick you found your sick friends, but now that you’re in remission there’s much fewer people in this phase, and even fewer who are in the same place as you right now. This is probably the least you will ever fit in because you don’t really fit on either side of those lines now. Embrace being different. Just be you. 

🌸It will be a bit odd to have your sick friend life and your healthy friend life and have yourself be somewhere bouncing back and forth in-between, juggling two different identities. I hope you choose your new, healthier identity, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut ties with any friends, not if you don’t want to, not if they still bring you joy. 

🌸If you’re lucky you will find someone who’s at the same stage of remission as you and you’ll at least have them to talk and fully relate to, but everyone else… doesn’t really get it. 

🌸You will naturally have expectations of what remission will look and feel like, and I promise you it will end up being different than that. That’s not a good or bad thing either, it’s just how life goes. 

🌸There will be things you’ll expect to want to do once in remission, but when you finally get there you may not have any interest, or it may not fit or be as fun as you thought. Don’t hover too long on that and shift your attention back towards things you do enjoy, and things you do want to do. You deserve some self indulgence. Follow your joy. Follow the things that make you excited about life again. 

🌸Re-entering life can be incredibly daunting, triggering, and even scary. Push past the fear, worry, anxieties, doubts and all of that crap. 

🌸You most likely will have some level of PTSD. It’s time to learn more about PTSD and healing, and then take advantage of resources to help you move forward. Reading self help books or seeking out a therapist are great options. 

🌸Get out of your own head, and in fact, just getting out in general would be good for you. 

🌸You can still overdo it and set yourself back because you’re still healing. You don’t have to over-stress and overthink this, just respect your limits when they do start to arise. Listen to your body. 

🌸As you move forwards in your healing, all of your limits and boundaries will constantly be in flux, constantly shifting, and hopefully in a healthy direction. It can feel frustrating to not have consistency in these areas, but try to hold onto gratitude because you are moving forwards! Remember when you got sick and all of your limits and boundaries shifted backwards for a long time? Now you’re doing that in reverse and the forward movement is a wonderful thing!

🌸Some things will emotionally feel more raw because now you finally have the energy to actually feel! (pros and cons to that lol) You’ve greatly healed your body, and now your body will allow in more emotions, which means you have work to do in healing your emotions and mind. Again, friends, self help books, and therapy are great options. 

🌸Time will help your wounds, but it won’t completely erase the scars, and the memory of the pain that caused them. It’s a normal part of human existence to have this happen. We all have our scars.

🌸Try to remind yourself of what things are a normal part of human existence. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets random little illnesses, everyone cries and has emotional outbursts, everyone overdoes it sometimes, everyone has those days where they overthink their existence and don’t feel good enough, everyone has a sleepless night every once in a while, etc, etc etc. Before you panic, before you spiral out of control, remember what things are just a part of being human. 

Let's Talk More About Remission

In short, remission is not easy, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and it’s surely not what I expected. 

I think there’s a lack of people honestly sharing about remission because they’re either trying very hard to “fit in and just be normal” and/or they’re underwhelmed and don’t want to discourage others or kill their hope. But since no one’s honestly sharing about the ups and downs it leaves everyone in remission feeling alone, and probably a bit panic-y too. 

I realized in talking with my remission buddy, and through our countless conversations comparing remission and seeking validation to know we aren’t alone in this odd limbo space in our lives, that this is something I need to talk more about. I realize I’ve focused so much on trying to give people hope that they can make it into remission that I forgot to give attention to what remission actually looks and feels like. Granted, remission will be different for everyone, but hopefully in sharing more about it I can cover at least some of the bases. 

The last thing I want is for someone who’s sick to feel like, “I have nothing to look froward to. It’s still going to be hard. Why keep trying?” I’ve had my share of days where I feel that way, but most days I’m incredibly grateful for my ever-improving quality of health and life. I’m always grateful that I didn’t give up. Remission is hard sometimes, life is hard sometimes, but it’s all absolutely worth it. 

In sharing more about remission I simply want to look out for and speak up for all my fellow remission buddies out there in the world. Hopefully it won’t discourage those who are still searching for healing, but it will give them a more realistic idea of what it feels like to actually enter remission. I had no real guidelines for what to expect in my health journey, I didn’t have someone to look up to or look to for guidance or validation, and there have been countless times that I really could’ve benefited from that. I don’t expect everyone to relate to my journey, but I know someone out there will and whoever that person is, this is for you. 

The Phoenix - A reluctant hero and her bittersweet tears.

If you missed it, I started this year off by writing a letter to my "ex-best friend" and all the "friends who left when I became chronically ill" and I shared that letter publicly before I could overthink it and chicken out. 

To The Friends Who Left When I Became Chronically Ill was published on The Mighty (basically) in record time, and in a week had 10k likes on The Mighty alone, not counting all of the other social media sites it was shared to and the hundreds of comments that flew into all of those shares as well. 

Since January they've re-ran that piece a handful of times and it still generally has the same response too -- lots of likes, lots of comments, and lots of shares (which just continues the cycle farther.)

It's the most vulnerable thing I've ever publicly written, and it terrified me to share it. But even without all of the praise, I was already glad to have done it. Granted, the thought of it being out there made me feel like throwing up most times, and even still kind of does. But all-in-all, I am really proud of it and I'm proud of myself for taking my deepest wound, giving it love, and giving it wings. 

Which brings me to where I am now, having recently written something that tore my heart out, and part of me wants to share it, but the rest of me just wants to vomit at the thought of such things. 

Quite frankly, sharing raw, unedited excerpts from my notes (which is many times how I journal and vent emotions) terrifies me even more than sharing the letter. But someday I plan to share a whole lot of my notes and journals in the book about my life, so, this is something I need to learn to no longer fear. Plus, I know how amazingly well it went earlier this year when I shared my heart with the world, so that eases at least some of my anxieties about being seen. 

Please note: I don't do "New Years resolutions" but I do generally like to set some goals for myself for the year, and this year one of my goals was to face my fears, face the places that scare me, push beyond that, and push myself to new heights. 

So, here we are...

...And here we go.

If you saw my last post (7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck), then you know that I just recently surpassed the 7 year anniversary of when I got sick. Since then I've unplugged and taken some time off to honor all of the emotions that go along with that. Naturally though, being who I am, I did a lot of writing during those ups an downs.

Seeing a quote led to me reflecting on my life and writing this piece. 

photo edited by me; art - unknown; quote - Joshua Graham

August 27, 2019, 12:21pm

I realize I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, but still my tears are bittersweet, because I know what these ashes I’m rising from once were. 

You don’t forget what you come from when what you come from is the still flickering embers of a life you once loved but was burnt down by fate, all just to make room for what you are now. 

In the ashes I see my past self, the one who had to die for me to survive. I know well that every speck of who I am now came to being from immense pain and pressure, like a pearl, or a diamond, trapped in close confines until outside factors decided to bring it to light.

I know what the ashes beneath were, I know what I came from, what it took, what it cost me to get to where I am now. 

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” -Joshua Graham-

I survived because I was willing to lose everything, because I surrendered to whatever my destiny would be. 

I was determined to rise no matter what knocked me down, or what ashes had burnt down beneath me. 

"I am a reluctant hero who continues to cry bittersweet tears." 

That's something else I wrote later in that note. 

Essentially, the essence of this is how I've been feeling. Yes, I have come incredibly far, but it cost me, and nothing in the entire world looks the same because of it all. 

Since writing that I've felt torn on whether to share it to not, fearing being seen, fearing being misunderstood, etc etc etc. Then today, my my mom sent me a beautifully relevant quote mirroring a similar sentiment, brining me back to my thoughts of the phoenix, and in my gut I knew that meant it was time for me to share. 

Whatever burns away is only the outer layers, and what endures, what is left, the core that remains after tragedy, that is where truth lies. You find out who you really are when everything else falls away.

I did lose myself, but my true essence was never truly lost, because it can't be lost. A soul is infinite. That fact is true, beautiful, powerful, and yet still bittersweet, and that's okay. 

To everything there are always BOTH highs and lows, pros and cons, light and dark, yin and yang. Every coin has two sides, and both sides are true. This is life, a paradox.

So, tonight as I cry even more "bittersweet tears", I feel it's just another reminder for how important it is for me to remain authentic and honest in the things that I do, and especially in the things that I write and share. 

I want to honor both sides of the coin. ☯️

7 Year Chronic Illness Anniversary & Goodbye To 7 Years Of Bad Luck

As July came to a close and August began, I noticed a cloud looming closer and closer. Every August I seem to unintentionally count down the days until the anniversary of when I got sick, August 24, 2012. Every year I ponder the idea of, “I wonder if there will be a time in my life when I don’t think of the anniversary at all? Will August ever just be August again?” I think anyone who has faced tragedy in their life can relate to that same thought too. 

For better or for worse, when you experience a life altering event in life not only does it get permanently engrained into that specific day, but it somehow marks that entire month.

The anniversary of my chronic illnesses is like my own personal Memorial Day. 

I take it as my designated time to mourn the past, and honor all of my lost battles. I guess I did “win the war” but it was long and hard. It was tragic. I faced heartbreak, there literally was blood, sweat, tears, and so so many lost battles. I even did lose a friend who was fighting this fight along side me too. 

I take this time to mourn and honor the loss of my old self, my old life, my dear friend, and all other lives lost in the same ways as us. 

Every year I seem to relive the facts of my life before and after August 24th, going from waterpolo, straight As and AP classes, to bed bound, friendless, and in head-to-toe pain that was worsening by the day. I was 14. Without fail, that always deeply hurts to relive.

The years ticked by with countless trials and tribulations, I saw many highs, and a life’s worth of soul crushing lows. I said goodbye to this world more than a handful of times, and yet here I still am 7 years later, beating the odds, gratefully living in my miracle second chance at life. 

Over the years I have had people ask me if it gets easier, if the anniversary stops hurting, and I have to be honest and tell them that even after all this time it does still hurt. Every year the anniversary hits me at a different time, in a different way, and I never have accurately anticipated exactly how it’ll make me feel. But it does always hurt, and without fail, at some point every August, I do bawl my eyes out. 

What’s most different about this year is how I’m so much more honed in on focusing on my immense gratitude for life, all the things I can do, and giving as little attention as possible to the ways I still feel “less than.” 

I’ve worked incredibly hard over the years at my mental health and mindset, but this year especially, more than ever I’ve decided to take those things to a new level. 

This year I decided to start talking about my chronic illnesses less, and when I do speak of them I make sure it’s in the past tense. In turn, I’ve also dedicated to using more healthy, positive vocabulary when talking about myself in the present moment. I decided it was time to take a break from focusing so much on the past parts of my story, and focus as much as possible on gratitude for the present, and the optimism of the future.

So in that spirit, I’ll tell you where I’m at right now: I’ve been in remission for 2 and a half years, and I’m 90% better. I have 2 small Etsy businesses. I’ve traveled, I’ve gone out, I’ve pushed myself to make new friends and rebuild a new social life that fits this new person I am. My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I moved in together into the guest house at my parents place, and we have 4 fur-babies. I follow my happiness, and I give my energy only to things that make me feel good. I’m happy. I’m enjoying life. I have this immense gratitude for life that I’ll never be able to fully describe into words. I’m also very proud of myself, and especially for how I continue to more and more deeply dedicate my life to positivity. Mindset is a choice, and I’m very happy with the mindset I choose every day. 

Where I’m at in life right now is a place I never thought I would live to see again, and I can’t begin to explain how good that feels. To hit rock bottom, to face and accept death, and then to come back to this…? It truly is a miracle. 

As for the future, I realize I’ve already accomplished so much of what I always dreamed about, and I’ve managed to take up just about every hobby I ever dreamed of, just wishing, “I wish I could do that.” If I want something, I make it happen, I make the time, I do the work, and I damn sure celebrate that whole process. 

The things that once felt impossible are within reach, or I can at least see the clear pathway leading towards it. That feeling is amazing, and I try not to walk forwards in life afraid of the possibility of “loss” or “failure” because I already know how I always can find my way back from anything, and I always come back stronger and wiser too. 

The past can haunt you, it can control you, and it can continue to cause you pain for the rest of your life, but only if you let it. Sure, I may relive and re-grieve the anniversary every year, but there’s no way in hell I will let myself get stuck in the past. I respect the past, I respect the pain and all of those emotions and every single one of my scars, physical and emotional. I’m even grateful for it all because of how it’s just continued to make me stronger. But I damn sure refuse to let any of the past hold me back, and I will not let it continue forward into my future. 

Off and on since I got sick in 2012 I wondered if this was some kind of “7 years of bad luck” detour of life, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what it was, it just matters what I make of it, and who I choose to let it make me. 

Life fucking happens to all of us, and pain is inevitable. Facing struggle is a part of human existence. But to be who you are, do what you do, say what you say, and think what you think is a choice. To live is a choice. What you choose to make of life and the shit it throws at you is completely up to you. Those facts will either terrify you, or empower you, and I hope it’s the latter. 

That is what these 7 years has taught me, and that is what I’ve chosen to reflect most on this August. 

As I continue to change my vocabulary, as I refer to my struggles as being in the past, as I release the pain, as I accept my healing, as I step more and more wholly into the new me, I am both telling and showing the universe what I want to manifest more of. *The Law of Attraction - like energy attracts like energy.*

Health. Happiness. Love. 

That is what I choose. 

This is my official goodbye to my “7 years of bad luck.” 

You may think I’d be ecstatic to slap this book shut, throw it out, burn it, and never look back. But it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, and it’s scary to leave behind what you know and tread forwards into uncharted waters. When you get stuck in life, even if you’re thrown into a too small box that you first despise, you can grow to a certain kind of peace and comfort in that place. I grew quite fond of “limbo”, facing death freed me, and taught me immeasurable lessons. 

I would never choose this life path for myself or anyone else, but I also wouldn’t trade my journey for anything. I trust what was destined to be mine. 

I close this chapter with immense gratitude. I stride forward with pride, knowing my true strength, carrying forth every bit of wisdom I can, and when necessary I will look back and I will honor my past with every shred of respect that it deserves. 

Thank you, universe, for knowing what I needed in order to become who I was meant to be. I will cherish this second chance with every fiber of my being.