Dear 2017,

Dear 2017,

What a year you have been. 

2017, like any year, you have had your ups and downs. But I have to say that you really have been a good year for me. 

At the beginning of 2017, I was very ill...to say the least. My weight was dangerously low, my daily allergic reactions were just starting to stop, my health was continuing on it's downward spiral, I was deeply depressed and suicidal, I was sure I wouldn't even live to see spring time due to my hopelessly dwindling health.... 

The beginning of 2017 for me was dismal, at best. The only thing that got me through was my furry baby, Tramp, my puppy. He gave me a reason to at least get up every day, and at the time, just getting up was a monumental accomplishment for me. 

But in some time, dismal turned to not too bad, and then suddenly I stopped and realized that things were starting to actually look up. My health wasn't declining anymore, it was actually starting to improve. 

On March 13, 2017 I saw a new doctor for the first time. After a 4 hour appointment, I walked out of her office and walked up to the hill to the car, practically pain free...for the first time in 5 years. 

And even though that wasn't the instant cure all end to my chronic pain, nothing has ever been since that day. Just having that one day without pain changed everything for me. It was like suddenly we turned a corner and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope. 

This year has been filled with endless amounts of very hard work and strict self discipline about making the best possible choices for my health. It's been a long, hard year, but my God the benefits and improvements I've made have been amazing. 

My life path has changed drastically, yet again, and for once I stopped fighting it and let go of the things I'd been holding onto for so long. The goals I felt I needed to accomplish in life, and the ideas I'd had about how I felt my life should be. With the encouragement of the doctor I started seeing in March who has completely changed my life, and almost identical advice I was given by an intuitive, and some would say psychic stranger, I let go. I let go of my fears, of my anxiety, of my resistance towards so many things, and most of all... I let go of my old view of myself. 

To paraphrase those two women who've changed everything for me, they told me, "You are capable of so much more than you think. You're stuck in your head. You don't have to try so hard. Just let it all go. Breathe. Follow your instincts and stop questioning it. Be curious, not afraid. Fear cannot exist where curiosity does." 

Two women, whom I met two days apart, who don't know each other, whom I both met after long, crazy series of events of fate, somehow managed to give me the exact same advice. 

It was like a slap in the face wake up call from the universe. 

After the second woman, the intuitive stranger, said the same things as my doctor, I stopped questioning everything and followed their advice. I didn't second guess my instincts any longer and dove right into the deep end of this whole crazy long life and spiritual journey. It's been amazing. 

I have to say, 2017, I think you have been the most incredible year of my life. So many huge things have happened, so many changes... I've gone from the lowest off lows and worst my health has maybe ever been, to now doing the best I have done in YEARS. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy for this long and didn't dip into a depression. I can't remember the last time I had a winter where my health was so good. I can't remember the last time I felt so good on Christmas. I can't remember the last time I actually felt like me. I finally feel like myself again, even though everything in my life has changed.

2017, I have to thank you, because of you, I've found myself. 

I'm the most grounded I've ever been, I'm the most spiritually connected I've ever been, I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in years and I'm still continuing to improve. I've gone a whole year without being in the hospital. I've gone almost a year without an allergic reaction. I have two, happy, healthy furry little kids who've totally changed my world. I'm happy, and in love. 

But most of all, the thing I am most grateful for is that I finally have hope again. Hope has changed everything for me. 

I have grown so much as a person this year and have learned so much, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my life exactly, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm finally okay with that. Everything that's happened this year has led me to exactly where I am right now, and I wholeheartedly love and am so thankful for where I'm at. I'm excited to see what's in store next for me, and I'm ready to start living. 

2017, you have been a reawakening for me, and honestly I think that's what you've been for many others too, and for that, I thank you.  

Thank you, 2017. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I'll never forget you. 

Cheers to a hell of a year! 

Goodbye, 2017! 

Hello, 2018!


I did a YouTube video reading this, plus some extras. You can find that here.

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Goodbye, Winter... Hello, Spring!

It's been months since I've written on here and updated. Frankly, that's because I just haven't known where to start. I've had so many ups and downs. 

I'll start by saying, I'm still in our guest room and not back in my own bedroom... yet. It's been 5 months since I started staying in here. It's been since New Years basically. Initially, I moved in here because a mouse died in the wall of my bedroom and I couldn't take the smell. It took a good month for that to go away, and then another one died and that took a month too! So! There was that haha. Also, this room was already puppy proofed and this bed is right on the floor. So it was already good and safe for my puppy, and my room needs a lot of work for it to be puppy ready and I just didn't have the energy. So.... 5 months later, here I still am. 

I am wanting and planning to move back into my room though. I've started to clean little by little. I'm very excited to get back into my own space and be in a room that fully feels like me. My little, pink, girly room, with my excessive amount of fluffy pillows, stuffed animals, and all of my pretty little twinkle lights. It'll be so nice and good for me. I can't wait. We'll be together soon my beloved bed!😻😭🙌❤️

Here in this room, since I last wrote, I took down the clock that was staring me down, taunting me every night. (If you don't understand that reference just read my last post and you'll understand.) I first came to peace with it and got rid of its negative energy, and then took it down and put it away into the back of the closet in this room. In it's place, I put up a dream catcher than my mom’s amazing cousin MADE for me. It's something new, for my fresh start, filled with only positivity, and made with pure love. It feels immensely better than the clock that didn't work, to say the least. It's hung across the room staring down over my bed, which isn't traditional for dream catchers, but for here, in this room, it felt right. It felt needed. I needed something better to look over me. 

I can't wait to move back to my room though and hang it above by bed where it's meant to go. I can't wait. I can already feel how right it'll feel. 

It's been one of my longest, and hardest winters I’ve ever had. I can't wait to leave it all behind in this room and start spring (and summer) freshly and brightly in my own room, all clean. It’s literally a clean slate! It's exactly what I need. 

Oddly, I've also come to realize that maybe I was meant to be in this room over winter. Maybe it was exactly for this reason, that I needed to leave all of my sadness and negativity of winter behind in a different room. That way when I would move back into my own space, 1, it would be clear of all the old, bad energy, and 2, I would be ready to reset and truly start fresh. 

I’ve been forced to face a lot of my old demons too that I left behind in this room years ago. I mean, quite literally I had to face my old demons. I’ll talk about that more in separate posts though I guess haha. But! In short… All of the old energy I had in this room years ago, stayed exactly where I left it. So…I’ve had to deal with that. I had to work really hard to get the negative energy out of this room, and I finally did get it to clear out!

I’ve finally made my peace with this room. It just feels like a big empty room to me now, no more bad energy/memories weighing it (or me) down anymore. 

I’m just really happy to move back to my room now and to leave this room behind better than when I came into it. 

I'm ready! I'm ready to reset and have a fresh start with a new attitude. I'm ready to open all the dusty windows and let the light in. I'm ready. Bring on the light!

Spring time represents rebirth, renewal, growth, love, and HOPE. 

It’s been a beautiful spring, both literally and metaphorically. 

I’ll be writing again soon. There’s still so much I want to talk about.

Until next time...

❤️🌸🌱☀️

Happy Birthday To Me

I can't believe I'm turning 19 tomorrow. It feels weird. It feels like I shouldn't be turning 19 yet. Plus the fact that I'm so unhappy right now makes it feel like "How could I be having a birthday? I'm SO unhappy. I should be happy if my birthday is tomorrow."

It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive. This isn't where I thought I'd be by this age. This isn't what I'd imagined. This isn't what I'd always hope for. I had so many hopes and dreams and it's all just gone. It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it. I'm the type of person that I always see things coming. I plan, I'm intuitive, I'm observant, I brace myself for what I foresee coming in life, and I never miss stuff. I'm almost always able to anticipate life. But I never planned for this. I never saw this coming. Obviously me first getting sick was a blind side but I always felt that by this age, by college I would surely be better by then. Right? I had to be. That'd be unimaginable to be sick for over 4 years. But the unimaginable happened, so here I am, and I'm at a complete loss for what to do or think. 

Where am I supposed to go from here? 

4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally! 

So much has gone on in the last 4 years too! I've had plenty of very high points and obviously lots of lows, but the fact that all this time later I'm LITERALLY in the exact same place absolutely kills me. 

I may as well have just been doing nothing all this time because I'm in the same goddamn place anyway. It completely invalidates everything I've done for the last 4 years. 

Coming to realize all of that has done a few things to me. 

1. I'm suicidal, and the fact that I'm back to being this bad breaks my heart. 

2. I'm pissed as FUCK. I was going to say hell, but sorry not sorry "hell" just ain't cutting it today. This is a fuck moment okay. I. Am. Pissed. Off. As. Fuckkkk!

3. I had a total panic attack/mental breakdown this week. Haven't had one of those in a long time, so as you can probably guess I'm both mad and sad about that. 

4. I feel lost. 

5. I feel confused. 

6. I have no drive left. I've come 360 right back to where I started and way too literally am in the exact same place as 4 years ago, and I just feel done. I don't want to do this anymore, and honestly I'm starting to not see the point of trying anymore. Why fucking try if after 4 years of constant hard work I've gotten absolutely no where? 

You try and answer that.

Gone on, try. 

Imagine being in my place and 4 years of excruciating pain and constant trial and error and failure and picking yourself back up and trying again and again and again...4 YEARS!...4 years of your entire life revolving around you trying your absolute hardest to get better, and then you're in the same goddamn place. 

Now you imagine how you'd feel. 

I bet you can't blame me for wanting to give up. 

So, I guess we should talk about why I don't give up. Why in the 4 years of constant hardship have I not given up? My family. I'd be dead without them. I would gladly be dead as of mmmm probably 4 years ago had I not had my family. Just the pure fact that I can't put them through losing me because I know how much it would hurt them, that keeps me alive. Continuing to try despite my constant failures... that ones harder. I found out I actually can't physically give up. It goes against everything I am. Which pisses me off. It'd be easier to give up but I'm just so stubborn and I can't. A lot of the time I wish I could give up. 

Have I really made no progress in 4 years? 

No

Am I EXACTLY in the same place as 4 years ago?

Yes haha. Literally. Same exact place. 

Am I EXACTLY the same?

Helllll no. 

A foot less of hair, probably an inch taller, 4-5 years older, I have a boyfriend, I have a child (he's a puppy haha), I actually have some friends (4 years ago at this time I had none. Literally. I had zero friends. Just my family.), I have a high school diploma and a valedictorian medal to show for all my hard academic work, I have a guitar that I love with all of my heart, I have scars all over my back that I didn't have 4 years ago that will forever remind me of everything I've been through... 

So much has happened. So much has changed. I've changed immensely. I don't feel like the same person at all. 4 years ago I didn't used to cry. 3 years ago I didn't used to cry. Hell just one year ago I barely cried. But now, in the last 6 months I've cried so much. That is a product of me pushing myself to deal with a lot of things I've suppressed and avoided for years. I pushed myself to grow and embracing that I needed to cry over things from my past was a big part of that. I communicate sooooo much better by now. I'm much more in tuned with my body. I'm a really good writer by now. I have a YouTube page and I sing in videos and I have 2 blogs that I love to write for. I'm more open and so much less afraid. I'm more confident in who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I'm a survivor. It's just what I do. I survive. 

Currently.... I'm quite literally struggling to survive. I'm having allergic reactions to everything and all foods. Sooooo my body doesn't exactly want me to be alive and my mind is starting to believe that too. It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to. But I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. 

I still have a lot of things to show for all the things I've done in the last 4 years, but the fact that I'm literally in the same place and I know that mentally (depression/anxiety wise) this is where I was at 4 years ago, it's so hard on me. I never stop trying my absolute hardest and yet I'm always just stuck. Right now, I'm helplessly backsliding and it's just killing me. All of 2016 I spent desperately clawing to try and make progress and I only just kept backsliding more and more. Now a new year has started and nothing changed. I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away. 

So... 4 years later here I am writing, just like how I always do. 

I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something... 

I know tomorrow is going to be hard and sad day for me, to do nothing and feel so depressed on my birthday. It's going to gut me. I know I'm bound to cry tomorrow. Hell, just thinking about my birthday being tomorrow and knowing I feel nothing but sadness makes me want to cry now. It's gonna be a rough day. But it just is what it is. This is my life. Sadly. I just have to make the most of it. 

The biggest difference between now and 4 years ago is tonight I'm going to fall asleep with my puppy and I'll wake up to his cute little face and that look of unconditional love. That's priceless.

"How do you get through it?"

"How do you get through it?"

My therapist asked me this question the other day when I saw her, and honestly, I still don't have a solid answer for it. I get asked often, "How do you do it?", and a lot of times I don't really know how to answer that because I ask myself that same question a lot too. 

How do I do it?

My life is a combination of a lot of things that are all very delicately balanced. My life is like one big, very elaborate balancing act. -- Like one of those acrobats who piles up 20 round cylinder things and then stands on the top while juggling an armful of fragile plates. It's all so delicate. If one thing goes wrong, then my entire life and the whole balancing act turns into a domino effect. If just one thing gets out of balance, it all comes crashing down. 

This year for me has been a terrible loop of the domino effect ruining my intricate balancing acts. Every time I start building myself back up, something tips me off and then I'm back to square one. It's just been a seemingly endless loop of that! This year has been my "Groundhog Day." You know, that one Bill Murray movie where his character "is focred to live the same Feb. 2 over and over again until he gains some karmic -- and comic -- insight into his life." That's how google just summarized the movie and definitely "comic insight" is accurate to my life. But now I'm sitting here wondering what the hell kind of "karmic insight" I deserve. If karma is the reason for my years of suffering, well then I must've been one hell of a person in my past life. I'm shaking my head haha. 

Regardless of the mysterious reasons behind me being in this situation, this year really has been the same thing over and over again. I've had bad years before too, to say the least, but the things that went wrong before were always different. Having this year be filled with the same things repeatedly going wrong over and over again, I'm not actually sure which of the two scenarios is more frustrating. 

Both. 

Definitely both. 

That's my final answer. 

Before leaving home to go see my therapist, my mom took one look at me as soon as I walked in the room, and she got this look on her face. It's a look I've seen countless times over the last four years. It's her look of, "You're not okay today. Today's a bad day." 

I'd said nothing. I'd done nothing different than any other morning. I was dressed in real clothes, which is actually unusual for me. Usually being dressed means it's an okay day. But that wasn't the case. 

After four years of practically being inseparable, my mom and I are very connected. We have a lot of unspoken communication by now. Without a single word being said, we both knew it wasn't a good day, in any sense. 

I got my food as always and sat at the kitchen counter, both things I would do on an average day, but my mom was still giving me "the look." I could feel her watch me from the second I walked in the room, the whole time I got food, and then as I sat down to start eating. 

"You have the darkest aura that you've had in a long time." She said. 

I only just pursed my lips in response as if to silently say, "It just is what is today."

I don't feel overly depressed. I've been much worse countless times before. I don't feel overly sad or mad. In fact, I don't feel much of anything other than just being deeply tired...in every way. 

I don't feel like I'm mentally in that bad of a place right now, but I can feel how dark of an energy I'm putting out. It seems to be worse every day too. I feel heavy. I feel weighed down. I felt like the weather that day. I woke up to dark cloudy skies and rain, and that felt fitting. As the sky grew darker and the rain continued to steadily fall, I felt the same. What once was sunshine turned into occasional fog. In time, around me, fog started to thicken into clouds. Then the clouds gradually covered the sky and blocked out the light. The clouds thickened and darkened, getting heavier and heavier until finally, it forced the rain to fall. The clouds are continuing to darken as the storm keeps rolling in, and the rain seems to penetrate deeper with every drop. 

I'm deep in a storm that I can't get out of. What used to be pretty rain, softened the ground too much and now I'm sinking. Once I start sinking, I get stuck, and once I get stuck, I know I won't be escaping "the storm" anytime soon. 

I don't feel like I'm mentally in that bad of a place right now, but I know that the dark energy around me is just a sign for what's to come. I've been through enough depressions to know how this goes. Sometimes the dark energy precedes the depressed mental state. In other words, my personal little dark cloud that follows me around everywhere sometimes appears and grows darker before I start really feeling it.

I know no one could read that and still believe that I'm not deeply depressed, but I'm really not. I feel more so stuck within my situation rather than depressed by my thoughts. Which I will gladly take this over having my mind eat away at itself. That type of depression is much worse. 

Don't get me wrong, I am depressed, and I am on the edge of being stuck in that type of depression too. But I'm still managing to keep my balancing act going and I haven't completely fallen yet. I'm trying my best to not slip into that type of depression, but I have a feeling I won't be able to avoid it too much longer. I feel like it's inevitable. Plus, with the way my life has been going, I'm sure something else will go wrong and I will end up in that place...again.