Dear Ex Best Friend Who Left Me When I Became Chronically Ill

They say, in life, on average we have a whole new set of friends every 7 years. If you’re lucky, you may surpass that average and have friends that literally last a lifetime. Or if you’re like me and aren’t so lucky, life may throw you some unexpected curve-balls that people in your life just can’t handle, and you may lose friends at a much more rapid pace than “the average person.”

I got sick when I was 14 and I lost every single person in my life that wasn’t blood related to me. 

I’ve lost more friends in my life than I can begin to try and count, and it took me time to fully accept that losing all of those friends was not my fault, and I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply got sick, and people couldn’t handle how serious and scary my life got, so they left. 

I don’t really blame them for leaving either because I’ve deeply struggled with handling my illness too. I wouldn’t expect people to stick around if even I can’t handle my own illness. It’s a lot. Believe me, I know. 

Over the years, I’ve made amends with many who left, but most never gave me a conversation for closure, or even just a goodbye. I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to those people who left without so much as a goodbye, and so I decided to write a letter. 

This letter is to no one person in particular, but instead is inspired by my accumulatory loss of countless friendships and the things I wished I had said to them. 

Dear ex best friend,

We always said forever, and I know we both believed we would beat the odds. I’m genuinely sorry that we didn’t.

Losing you was my first and biggest heartbreak. 

I know I shouldn’t apologize for this, but I’m sorry that I got sick and that it was too much for our friendship to survive through. I know it’s not my fault that I got sick, but it’s hard not to feel somewhat responsible for this. I truly wish that our friendship didn’t have to be collateral damage of my illness.

I’m sorry that I missed out on all the things we said we would do together. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be a part of it all, and most importantly, I always still wanted to be a part of your life. 

I’m not sure if you know this, but I need you to know that I didn’t reach out because I was too sick. I was fighting to survive. I really only ever saw or talked to my family or my doctors, and that’s it.

My lack of efforts to try and talk to you and catch up wasn’t personal. I didn’t have anything against you. I was just too sick, and if I did have the energy I hope you know I would’ve chosen to reach out to you. 

Over the years, I have made some new friends, but I haven’t forgotten about you, and I don’t see how I ever could. We were best friends, nothing will ever replace the bond we had and all of the wonderful memories we share.

Although at times I’ve missed you terribly, I realize life has taken us in different directions. I know I’ve changed immensely from my health-crisis detour in life, and I’m sure you’ve changed plenty with time as well. It’s hard to know things will never be as they once were between us, even if we did have a fresh start.

I do have to admit I don’t understand why you never reached out to me though. Was my life really that overwhelming to you? I know it is a lot to handle. 

I’m not mad that you had to leave, especially if that’s what was best for your own well-being. But you couldn’t even say goodbye? Was saying goodbye just too hard for you?

In my isolation I was left to wonder if everyone who left truly just did not care about me at all. But I want to believe that isn’t true. I want to believe that you just couldn’t bear to see me suffer, couldn’t cope with the possibly that I may die, and couldn’t bear to actually say goodbye. 

I’ve wished so much that we could just talk and find closure and peace. Maybe you have questions you want answered, and I know I have countless questions I’ve wished I could ask you. 

I’ve held out hope that you would one day return for us to finally have the conversation of closure we both deserve, but you never showed up, and in my small attempts to reach out to you, I felt utterly rejected. It hurt too much to keep trying. And who knows, maybe you feel the same and that’s why you gave up too. 

I’ve finally realized I need to let go of “us”, move on with my life, and let you move on with yours. 

Although it’s time for me to finally fully close the door on our past, just in case this really is the last time we talk, I need you to know a few last things before I go.

I still love you and can’t imagine a day that I won’t.

Your friendship was priceless to me and I truly will cherish it forever. 

There’s no hard feelings. I really have never been mad at you or solely blamed you for the end of our friendship. I only was ever sad about losing you, wondered what exactly went wrong, and wished things could be different. Please know, I take responsibility for my shortcomings in my half of our relationship.

I hope your life is full of people you can be your true self with, and that they love you unconditionally just as you are.

I hope your new friends support you, uplift you, are there for you, and follow through in doing all of the things you plan to do together. I wish so much that I could’ve been that for you, but I hope they make up for that in spades. 

I have always, and will always wish you all the best in life. 

I hope you find a plethora of happiness, passions, and love. 

I hope your true love is everything we dreamed they’d be and more. 

I hope your wedding is beautiful, that your kids are as fantastic as you were as a kid, and that your lifetime is full of endless adventures and blessings. 

If life every leads you back to me, don’t be afraid to say hello. 

If this is the end, please know I’ll never forget you, and I truly will cherish our memories forever.

Thank you for everything.

And to finally say the word you never could, and the one I’ve been putting off saying for far too long as well, but I think we both need to say it…

Goodbye. 

Love, your ex best friend. 

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Closure

My 8th grade teacher came to my high school graduation and with her, one of the things she brought to give me was my class journal from 8th gradeThe other thing she brought, was a letter I wrote to myself during the last week of school in 8th grade. We all had journals and we all wrote letters to ourselves that last week of school, and most of us said we wanted her to keep them both and give them back to us after we graduate.  

I never forgot about that letter, and I can't lie, over the years I've actually really wondered what I wrote to myself all that time ago...

After graduation, with my family around the dinner table, I fianlly opened that letter. It was shorter than I remembered, for one. That was my first surprise haha. My next surpsise was that oddly enough, I realized that some way, some how, I had actually accomplished everything I'd wanted for myself. I was actually kind of stunned by that. 

I read the letter aloud to my family and then I went through and explained that I'd actually done everything on it...

1: "I want to be successful in High School."
~I'm Valedictorian. Nuff said haha. ✅~

2: "Make new friends."
~Granted I didn't make the kind of new friends I thought I would, but I did in fact make a lot of new friends. Most are adults, some are doctors, and I'm friends with my teachers too. It still counts though haha. Also, not to mention my two best friends who I met online. They've stuck with my for 2 years now!✅~

3: "Try new things."
~I started playing guitar. That's a new thing. I started writing a lot, blogging, and have all sorts of new hobbies. ✅~

4: "Find something that inspires me."~I got so much more into music once I started playing it and I found so much inspriation in music. Just overall, I've found inspriation in my life and my situation, and I found a way to channel the negatives in my life into positive things. I let myself find inspriation in every situation, good or bad. No matter what, I end up writing about it haha. I have inspiration up the wazoo now! (I really wanted to say wazoo haha.)✅✅~

5: "Have fun."~I definitly have fun! I learned to make the most of any situation. I laugh every day, no matter how bad. I laugh til I cry at least once a week too haha.✅~

6: "Live in the moment."~I lived one day at a time for years, and I still kinda do. I really appreciate the little things in life. I try not to take life or speical movements for granted. I try to soak up as much happiness from even just the tiniest of moments as I can get. Sometimes just one tiny positive thing from a day was all I would get. You learn to really appreciate little things when the little things are all you get.✅~

7: "Believe."~It's a broad one, but I like it. I always try my very best to belive in myself, trust my gut, and trust my strength. I belive in the ones I love. I belive that we all have a purpose... ✅~ 

8: "Dream big." ~In 8th grade, that used to be my motto, or montra, or whatever you want to call it. They were words I really believed in, and I can't lie, I did give up on those words for a while. I came back around to them though, and I still have a lot of the same big dreams I used to have. I'm not gonna let life stop me from dreaming big.✅~

9: "Don't give up."~I know when I wrote this letter back then, I meant this in a way of that you shouldn't give up on your big dreams. But reading it today, it had completely different meaning to me. It actually kind of choked me up when I read that one. I've never given up, deapite all I've been through, and I really have been through a lot. Just because I didn't give up though, didn't mean that I didn't want to give up. I know there were many times I was so sick and was so deeply depressed and miserable that I actually wished I wasn't so strong of a person. I wished I could give up, but I couldn't. I hit rock bottom, maybe a few times, and it's impossible for me to give up. For better or for worse, I'm a fighter and I can't give up.✅✅✅~

Ps. My lucky number is 9. No clue if I did that intentionally back then haha, but that's just super cool to me that there's 9 things. 

After telling my family that I accomplished all the things I'd wanted to, I also thought about how cool it was that I actually talked about all (or maybe just most) of those things in my graduation speech too. That was just crazy to me. 

I hesitated opening the letter at first, scared of that what I said back then may make me sad now. I was expecting it to be pretty bittersweet, but I was honestly just in awe. 

It amazed me, and the letter that I wrote to myself all those years ago was the true closure that I didn't even know I needed until I read it. 

❤️