A Much Needed Vacation

Well, yesterday evening I got home from my first real vacation I've had since I got sick 6 years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to Newport Beach for a week, just the two of us, and it was absolutly wonderful. The weather was perfect, we had an amazing room and a beautiful view of the ocean both from bed and from the living room. We went to Laguna Beach, Balboa Island, Fashion Island, we explored the giant resort, and some near by little areas. We sang and danced and laughed for a week together and it seriously feels like a dream!

I don't think it's all fully set in yet just how HUGE of a milestone this vacation was for me. I did SO MUCH! I cooked all my own meals for a week, and was able to do most of my own dishes too. I was able to take care of myself and do all my needed daily things, AND I still had energy to go on spontaneous little drives and adventures. That's HUGEEEE for me!

Just two years ago I couldn't even walk across the house without help. I was just completely drained and exhausted in every way, and I was done. Not only was I 100% sure that I wouldn't live much longer, I didn't even want to fight or live anymore. I was just tired, and not a kind of tired that sleep even remotely helps.

I also had crippling anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and depression at that time too, and during this entire trip (from planning, to traveling there and back, and everything in-between) I was not stressed, I was not worried, I didn't overthink, and my mind didn't hold me back at all! I was happy and present and just enjoying every moment, and I'm super thankful and happy that Justin was able to do the same too!

He and I met 3 years ago, so he's only ever known "sick me", and he's seen me and stuck by me through my absolute lowest points in this chronic illness journey. For any that don't know, since we met he's become a lifeguard then an EMT and the last two summers he worked as an EMT. He's planning/working towards becoming a firefighter or paramedic.

He essentially has been the perfect person for me to be in a relationship with because when my health would take unexpected dips and we'd have to rush to the ER, he handled it incredibly well, and I need my partner to be able to handle both the good days and the really bad ones.

To be able to live any kind of a normal life I do need that kind of protection and safety net in not only my partner but also just whatever person I'm with. The friends I hangout with away from home are briefed with essentially a "What to do if I suddenly tank." I don't currently drive so when I leave the house I'm always with at least one person, and essentially I have to be able to trust my life in that persons hands. That is a lot of pressure to put on any person, but I have tanked suddenly countless times and living this way has saved my life on many occasions. I have safety nets for good reason.

I know not everyone can handle that kind of pressure, and thats why I don't have a lot of friends, and haven't since I got sick 6 years ago. Not many can handle that kind of pressure or seriousness, and even more than that, many can't manage act normal or natural if they know the seriousness of my health history. So, I'm incredibly thankful for the friends and people in my life who do handle it and are willing to go the extra mile to be a friend to me. My boyfriend most definitely is a person who has always been willing and happy to go an extra mile or two just to make me happy or make my life a little easier. Words just don't put my gratitude to justice.

Being sick for so many years, its easy to feel like a burden to the people around you. At many times I've felt like a burden or a job to Justin, because he literally is an EMT, that IS his job. But amazingly, this whole vacation he said he wasn't worried or stressed at all, neither of us were, and that alone says a lot about how far I've come.

It is sad to me sometimes to think that he's never even known what I'm like or who I am as a 100% healthy person, but the blessing about him only having known "sick me" is that our entire relationship has been built upon finding the absolute best in even the hardest times. It doesn't take a ton to make us feel really happy and fulfilled in the time we spend together. Genuinely really enjoying each others company and our conversations IS what our relationship's foundation, and I love that about us.

Having this trip and being able to do so much went so far above and beyond our expectations. It truly was amazing, and I'm so thankful to have shared such a big milestone with a person who has been such an essential part of why I'm still alive and here on this planet.

There were many moments on this trip were I forgot about all the hell I've been though the last 6 years, I felt normal, I felt like the old me, "healthy me", and that rarely ever happens to me!

As I'm healing and getting better and better, it's been a re-awakening or a re-birth of me and who I am as a person. This whole journey has been such a transformation and metamorphosis. I've grown and learned so so much as a person in the last 6 years.

There are so many parts of myself that I had long thought died and had come to peace with never having those parts of myself again, but so many things just keep waking back up. It's been amazing for me to be rediscovering parts of myself that have been dormant for so many years, and it's incredible to get to see Justin get to meet and love all these new healthy sides to me too.

He met and loved me so wholly even when I was just broken pieces, and I'd found peace and happiness in that state too. All of this is just bonuses and blessings and miracles and gifts from... idk someone out there who loves me.

I'm blown away with how far I've come in two years since that time, and how far I've come in even just the last year! There's no way I could've done this trip even just 6 months ago!

Yes, I am still held back physically, and still have a ways to go until I'm "healthy." But this trip was such a big accomplishment and such a huge milestone. It's a true testament of how far I've come and I am just beyond grateful for my progress and that I'm still continuing to heal.

This whole post I've been trying so hard to put all of these feelings into words and this still doesn't even come close to expressing the amount of gratitude I feel. To put things as simply as possible...

I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.

I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. 

Thank you Justin for loving me through good times and bad. You truly are one of my biggest unsung heroes. You mean the world to me, and I know this is just the first of many vacations we will get to take together. ❤️

Thank you to my parents for making this trip happen, and for all of your love and support and your continued help in getting me healthy.

Thank you to my family and friends for sticking by me and being happy to be my safety net.

(and last but not least)

Thank you to all the "someones out there who love me."😇 I see you.😘 I love you too. Thank you for everything. 💖

2 Years Since My Graduation!

2 years ago today, I graduated as Valedictorian of my class and I gave this speech. 

Believe it or not, I've had terrible stage fright my entire life, and still to this day I'm amazed I was able to deliver such a strong speech. It's the first speech I'd ever given too. AND I was having such a bad health day that day! But I somehow managed to look and sound totally normal! That's a HUGE win for a chronically ill person!

One and a half years ago, just 6 months after I gave this graduation speech, I was dying. I was back down to the absolute my sickest point again, and I was barely hanging on by a thread. 

I didn't think I would make it. 

For the first time, I actually just told my mom earlier this week that when I got to that point I started to write letters to everyone because I didn't think I'd live much longer, and I didn't want to leave things unsaid. 

I had been on death's doorstep before then, and I'd never written anything or planned my life for after I'd die. But, a year and a half ago, I was doing those things. 

Writing those letters is hands down the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my life, and that's saying a lot too. 

It deeply changed me as a person... 

Writing letters to the people you love most in the world talking about how "I'm sorry I didn't make it" is extremely hard and painful, but not just that, I really, truly believed and 100% felt I would not live much longer beyond the point that I started writing those letters. 

It's a feeling I barely know how to put into words, and it's a feeling I hope most people never experience...

I never finished writing my letters though. I only got through a few of them and I had a "come to Jesus" type moment where I realized, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving up? I don't give up!" 

I realized I had come back to the point of needing to choose if I was going to live or die, and acting that way, I was choosing death. 

After 5 years of battling terrible illnesses, I don't think anyone would've resented or blamed me for being exhausted and throwing in the towel, but I did...I resented me for it. I don't give up. That completely goes against who I am as a person, and not just that, but many many years ago I made my mom a promise that I would fight til the end and never give up. So long as she fights for me, I will fight too. I realized though, that within that promise was another flaw in my plans. 

A year and a half ago, I could no longer live just for the sake of my family, I realized I had to want to and choose to live for ME. 

I knew it was the only way I could survive. 

I balled my eyes out, I left those letters in the past, and I chose to live, for me. 

I slowly began to rebuild and redefine my life, yet again, and I'm now in a place I never could've imagined. I'm such a different person that who I was 6 years ago, and even just 2 years ago, and I couldn't feel more proud or grateful for the amount of love, support, growth, and life changing inspiration I've encountered on my journey. 

It is a flat out MIRACLE that I am alive today, and that's something I know for sure and something I never take for granted anymore.

5 years ago, I technically should've died from being undiagnosed and untreated for a year. 

That, plus the amount of times I've almost died over the years due to my illnesses, the pain, exhaustion, not sleeping, my heart struggling, my gut failing me, the completely mind altering depression, depersonalization, or being suicidal, or so many other things I've struggled with!

I'm sure it's easy for people to look at me and say "I always knew you'd make it." Or they see me healthy now and just never think I could've lost my life to these illnesses. But the people who really saw me and were with me through this illness know... My family, my boyfriend, my doctors, my medical "team"... they know how much of a miracle it is that I'm alive. They saw how much of me died when I was at my lowest and darkest moments. 

As many know, I lost a friend of mine, back in March, to all of the same illnesses I have/had. Our stories are so paralleled, and losing her totally tore my family up emotionally, not only because it was a tragic loss of a beautiful soul, but because it was a true testament to how close we were to that being me. 

THAT is another feeling I hardly know how to describe, and wish people never have to experience that either because yes, I am still alive, but we know how much of me truly did die along this journey. It's such a deep pain for all of us...

...

Yesterday afternoon, my second to youngest cousin graduated high school. 

Our dads are identical twins, and so genetically she and her two brothers are actually my half siblings. That's a theory I mentioned at a family BBQ at their house a few years back. Since then, a few of us have done genetic testing, and sure enough, genetically they are my half siblings!

So really, she's not just a cousin to me. 

How fitting too that we graduated 2 years apart and almost exactly to the day!! Just one day off!

AND

The girl who's name was called right before her, her first name is Savannah! The only Savannah in her whole class! 

Coincidence? I think not. ;)

I was on the verge of tears for most of the graduation, not just because I am so proud and happy for her and her family, but because watching her graduation had me reflecting so much about my past and how far I've come since my graduation. 

More than anything, I feel so incredibly blessed to just be alive.

I felt so blessed to just be there, to witness that huge milestone in her and her family's lives. I also just feel so grateful for how far I've come in the 2 years since I graduated. Little by little I am carving out a whole new life, and a new normal that I love and am so proud of. ❤️

What a big chapter of our lives ending...

I'm excited to see what the future holds for us all, and I feel so blessed and grateful for this journey. ❤️

...

Today, I woke up and watched my Valedictorian speech for the first time in a long time. I had tears in my eyes, chills covering my body, and an overflowing amount of gratitude in my heart. Afterwards, I sat there and out loud, I said "Thank you." to the universe, god, the guardian angels, and whoever all is out there and has been looking out for me and has helped me get to where I am today. 

Thank you, to those of you who have been a part of making me into the person I am.

A HUGE thank you to the people who have actively helped me too. 

Most of all, thank you to my family, and my boyfriend too. Justin, you're an unsung hero I don't publicly give credit to nearly often enough. ❤️

I'm grateful for all of you though and for everything you've done. 

After living through being on death's doorstep more than a handful of times, I'm just unbelievingly grateful for life. It's something I'm never sure I'll ever be able to accurately express. I mean... I was given more than just a second chance at life, I was given...9 lives!

(For those of you who know me well, you'd know that 9 has been my lucky number my entire life, I've always loved cats, I have lots of cats, AND I've always said that if I were an animal I would be a cat of some kind. So my 9 lives are so fitting!😉)

What a life...

What a crazy chapter...

Thank you to everyone who's been a part of it!

On to the next chapter!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

One Year Later... Happy 20th Birthday To Me!

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged nearly as much this year, and if I'm gonna be honest, it's not just the blogging that stopped. I stopped writing altogether for a while there in 2017. For a long time I had nothing good to say, no new updates, and I just couldn't bring myself to write more about my "doom and gloom." But even when my luck changed and my life started coming back together, I still couldn't write. I still don't know why that is.

From where I was one year ago at this time, to where I am now, it's like two completely different worlds. Everything has changed! I have written and vlogged a few times talking about the positive changes I've had in a year, and how much my health has improved, but there is SO MUCH that I haven't even begun to share.

I have been at such a loss of how to put it all into words, but I want to share the crazy journey I've been on. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to word it all and share it, but I'm working on that.

For starters, I wanted to just write this, say hi, tell you all that I miss writing and I'm starting back up on it. The holidays, New Year's, and then my birthday all happening very close to each other always spark a lot of emotions for me. I get very introspective and reflect very deeply into my life, my past, and myself. Last year, it broke me to reflect on how everything had changed for the worse. This year, it still hurts me to think back on how far gone I was a year ago. I've found myself going through a grieving process over my past, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm happy to be feeling real, genuine emotions again, and to be processing them in a healthy manor. I'm acknowledging how it makes me feel, I'm processing it, I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to move on.

Along with mourning my past, I'm also extremely thankful for where I'm at now. There are not enough words in the world to accurately express the amount of gratitude I have for the progress I have made. I did try my best to sum up last year though and express some of that gratitude in a letter that I wrote and called "Dear 2017." You can click on that and read the written version, or if you'd like you can click here and watch the video I made for my YouTube channel of me reading that letter.


As for it almost being my birthday, I really want to talk about the article I wrote a year ago for my birthday. It was so depressive, but I was being honest about where I was at in life. I'm going to include some quotes of that post because I really want to update on this.


"It breaks my heart that my birthday is tomorrow and I'm so unhappy and so strongly not wanting to be alive."..."It's all so heartbreaking and disappointing and unexpected that I don't even know how to really cope with it."
...
"4 years ago, I was sleeping in a room that wasn't mine, in a bed that wasn't mine, in sheets that weren't mine, in a mind and body that didn't feel like mine either. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. I'm back to sleeping in the same room and bed and sheets that have never been or felt like mine. My body and mind feel foreign again. I feel lost, deeply unhappy, and suicidal once again. I want to disappear and I find myself wishing I'd never existed. I lose hours staring blankly at the same old curtains that I used to stair at, that, and every night I watch the clock that still is broken and motionless, as if it will suddenly miraculously tick for the first time in years. It never moves, and yet every night I find myself watching it and waiting for a miracle that I know isn't coming. 

I realized tonight that just like the clock on the wall that one day just suddenly stopped ticking and froze in time, I did the same. My life stopped abruptly, and 4 years later I'm literally in the exact same place. Literally!"

...

"It's extremely hard to keep living when your body and mind both stop wanting you to."
...
"I'm still desperately trying to hold on and all I can feel is myself and everything just slipping farther and farther away."
...

"I'm in the same room and the same bed and the same sheets that all aren't mine. I'm stuck in a body that hasn't felt like mine for years, and a mind that is back to feeling frighteningly foreign. I stared at the same old curtains that I used to stare at 4 years ago, and now I'm staring at the clock... The clock that hasn't moved in 4 years. Still shining, hung perfectly, and infinitely motionless, and now I can't seem to decide if the clock that's forever frozen in time is either starring down at me or watching over me. 

At the beginning of this I felt like the sudden random turn of bad luck events that brought to me to be sleeping in this room again was the universe hating me. I felt like this was some kind of seriously sick joke, that all this time later while I'm going through hell in life right now and it's just fucked up for me to have to sleep in here. I was not amused. But now I'm just looking up at the clock wondering if maybe I took it wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't just hate me. Maybe there's some kind of hidden meaning I'm supposed to understand from this. 

I know it can't just be random that I'm sleeping in this room again for the first time in 4 years, and it can't just be a coincidence that health wise and mentally I'm doing just as bad now as I was then. It can't be. The universe can't hate me that much. Can it? 

I hope not. 

I feel like I'm supposed to understand something from this. It has to mean something..."

Firstly, I want to just say that I'm doing great now, all around great. If you want to hear more about how I'm doing now, you can read my last article or watch my last video, "Dear 2017." I'm very happy with where I'm at and I'm very excited to be turning 20 and to have a pajama party game night with my family. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday. I wouldn't change a thing. 

The reason I wanted talk about this article and the thing I want to update on is ... I am still sleeping in this room, even though I never meant to stay in here so long. I'm currently writing this from the bed, and sheets, and room that aren't STILL mine. But I'm happy to say that for the first time in many many years, I actually feel like myself again. My mind and body no longer feel "frighteningly foreign." This room may not be mine, but I did find a way to make it feel like home.

I am planning to move back to my room soon, but I found it SO symbolic that I ended up staying in this room for a full year. As you can tell by my writing a year ago, I was not happy to be back in this room, in the same place as I was 4 years prior. But at the end of the article you also can see that I suddenly started to question "Maybe I took this wrong. Maybe the universe doesn't actually hate me. Maybe this means something and I just don't understand it...yet."

My last thoughts were correct. I did take it wrong...at first. The universe doesn't hate me; it was a lesson. There were many reasons I was in this room this year, and I'll have to talk more about that at a later date.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I fully believe that I was meant to  be in this room, and for a full year too. I was forced to make peace with this room and the bad memories it once held. I had to quite literally face my demons, and take back control over my life and my surroundings. As much as I hated being in the EXACT place I started, I needed to be exactly here. I did need to start over. It just wasn't the type of starting over that I initially thought it would be. My health didn't have to start it's 4 year journey over, like how I thought it would. No, it was ME that needed to start over and go on a journey I'd been avoiding my entire life.

Like destiny, I got pushed to the edge of a crazy spiritual journey, and as always, I froze and thought about running away. I stood on the edge, afraid of the vast unknowns that lied ahead of me, and as I talked about in Dear 2017, I met two women who changed everything. They empowered me to jump right into the deep end of this crazy journey, and I've never looked back. It's been the most incredible journey. I'm embracing "the wonder that is me", as one of those women would word it. I'm enjoying the ride, and man oh man do I have some amazing things to share and talk about sometime soon... I'll be writing much more this year, so stay tuned for LOTS more to come.  

But the moral of this story is, yes, everything does happen for a reason. 

Things Are Changing

The seasons are changing, the tides are changing, and so am I. 

I overwhelmingly just thought of a few lines from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I haven't thought of this song in years...

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better. 

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good."

It perfectly embodies how I feel right now in life. Who's to say if everything I've been through has changed me for the "better." But because of the people I've met through this journey, and the people I used to know, and everything combined, I can say for sure that I've been changed for good. 

I have changed so much, literally just in the last year I've changed so much, and I know there's no turning back. That was a scary realization for me too. I'm straying so far away from who I thought I would be at this age, what I thought I would be doing, and what I would want. That was a very scary thing for me. I’m in totally uncharted and unexpected waters. 

In my valedictorian speech, which I gave almost a year ago now, I said "My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters." Not only do I even more so stand by that saying, but I'm genuinely happy with the direction I'm heading in life. 

I have no idea where this path I'm on will lead me, but I'm happy with the direction I'm going in, who it's making me into, and I'm curious to see what the future holds for me. 

All of that, and even just saying that, means so much more to me than people can imagine. 

1. I hated my life and how it was changing me for a long time. 

2. I haven't been happy for years, aside from small happy moments, or people making me happy. But with life in general, I haven't been happy for years. 

3. I'm a control freak, and being able to step back and say I'm genuinely enjoying the spontaneity of my life is HUGE for me. 

4. I had a lot of hopes and dreams, and ideas for what my future was going to look like, and I've had to let all of that go. I've had to let that go, and start over many times, and for the first time I'm actually happy with this “re-write.” I used to think all the things I wanted were what I really wanted, but I've been changed too much to want the same things. Frankly, I'm not sure how much of what I wanted was actually genuinely me either, or if it was other people and society effecting my view. I'm actually starting to feel like myself, untainted by people or society, for the first time since I was probably 4. Before I got into school and they broke my free spiritedness. I'm re-finding myself in a new way that I haven't done before, and I'm loving where it's leading me. I really am finding myself. 

5. I'm curious. This one is quite possibly the most important of all. That may confuse some, but I'll try to explain this as simply as I can. I'm not afraid anymore. My new doctor has continuously said something since we met her in March. She keeps telling me, "Fear cannot exist when curiosity does." I have tried so hard to get rid of my fear, but the last time we saw her she said something else about how I "try too hard." "You don't have to try so hard." That kind of blew my mind. She was so right though, for sure about this she was right. I didn't need to try so hard; I don't need to. I don't have to be so self contained; I don't have to be in control all the time. I can step back and let my instincts straighten all of my mind things out. All I had to do was let go of my fear and all the "what ifs", take a deep breath, stay calm, and let go. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm curious. 

As For A Life/Health Update

2 Days Ago...

I read a book. I actually mean that literally too. I read an entire book, in one day, in one sitting, in 2 hours (or less.) I haven't read anything for months, and I literally just randomly picked the book out all of a sudden and went and read, and didn't stop until I was done. 

I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It came very highly recommended as being "life changing," and holy crap is it. It's beautifully simplistic, and so so true. Yes, it's fairly spiritual and not in conventional ways. It's a big mix of a lot of beliefs, but that's perfect for me! I've never been able to connect to one religion only. I have tons of beliefs that come from all different religions. 

I was having a bad day mentally, and reading that book was exactly what I needed. It gave me permission to do the things that I've been hesitating to do, and hesitating for no other reason than, "What will other people think?" I've been living too much in the past and it’s right in saying "If I'm living in the past then I'm not really living." Reading it felt so freeing. I felt lighter. I almost cried from how happy it made me feel. Happy crying!! I rarely ever happy cry!!

I took 2-3 pages of notes as I read the book, and I started my next day as a new person. 

Yesterday...

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, which as you all know is something that usually ends up depressing me. In the almost 5 years I've been sick, they almost never go "well." 

We went and I filled out my symptom sheet. You have to score how your symptoms are compared to the last time you were in. The last time I had been there was November. Now... I think I posted back around that time, and things were bad. I was sick, I'd lost 5 more pounds, I was very depressed, I was suicidal, and really didn't want to be here anymore. I had very little fight left in me. 

I filled in my bubble sheet, and EVERY SINGLE THING was either "Much Better" or “Resolved.” 

I've NEVER had that happen before! I've NEVER had my symptom bubble sheet look so good!!! 

I finished it and held it up to show my mom, and we had a moment where we just looked at each other, stunned, and all we could say was, "Wow." We hadn't even realized how much better EVERYTHING had gotten until we saw it on paper. We were blown away, and frankly, speechless. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained 3 pounds! Which is amazing for me!!! I was stoked! That was totally unexpected. 

Then we went back, and told my doctors that I'd actually gained weight (for the first time in 6 months,) and we showed them my bubble sheet, and they had the same look we did. We all looked around at each other, and all we could say was, "Wow" or a baffled, "Huh." 

My mom and I sat in the car overlooking the beach with the windows rolled down after my appointment, and we talked about life and this journey we've been on. For the first time maybe ever in 5 years, I'm actually starting to believe that I'm getting better. I feel different. My doctors even said they could eve see it just in my eyes that things are changing for the better. I can see it in my eyes too. I can see many things that have been missing for years. 

Back in December, in a post I wrote, I said something about how I don't like or recognize the person who would look back at me in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the person I was. Everything, my mind, my body, nothing felt like it was me anymore. I had total depersonalization. 

I can't see the fear anymore. I can't see the darkness that so wholly consumed me just 6 months ago. Everything is lighter, and brighter. 

I can see hope in my eyes, which is something that's been missing for me for years. 

But more importantly than that... 

I can see myself in my eyes again, for the first time in years. The real me, the true me — the free-spirited little 4 year old me who was so full of life and optimism and loved animals and being outside and swimming and all things happy and bright. I have the curiosity I used to have, the curiosity for life I had when I was 4, back in my eyes. 

I look in the mirror and I actually recognize and love the person looking back at me. 

I look in the mirror and I feel like “Oh hey! There you are! Long time no see!” 

Not only am I seeing myself in a clearer, better light, but I'm seeing everything else more clearly too. 

I feel like going around singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because of how much brighter and how beautiful everything looks now that my mind isn't so clouded. I could cry from how happy it makes me. I want to sing and dance and jump for joy!

I haven't felt this way for years, and I don't think people can begin to imagine how amazing it feels!

Today, I'm starting off my day by writing this, and then I'm gonna get up, open my curtains, let the light in, and do some yoga and meditation in the light. Then later, I'm going swimming. I'm going to swim and play with my puppy and enjoy the outdoors and enjoy the light. ☀️💕.

Dealing With Disappointment

I don't even know where to start with this post... 
I feel lost. 

I'm hurting so much, both physically and emotionally, and I don't actually have a desire to really try and fix that right now either. I've been stuck for so long, and I've been trying so hard to push through it all, but it's gotten me nowhere. I'm still backtracking, no matter how hard I try to push through it all. I had hope, and all that got me was hurt. The few times I actually let myself get even remotely hopeful, it comes crashing back down on me. I'm tired, and I just can't do this right now. I've been fighting off depression for so long and I'm just done fighting it. The last straw finally broke my back. Congratulations world, you've officially broken me, again. 

We're soon coming up on the 4 year anniversary of me getting sick, and I feel nothing but sadness. It's so painful to think about how much of my life this illness has stolen from me. I've lost so much due to being sick...

As for today... People would never know, but I've been crying the majority of the last 24 hours. We've had a trip to Hawaii planned for a year now, assuming then that I would be much better by now. We were wrong though. I've been more stressed and worried about the trip the closer it kept getting, so much so, that I wasn't even excited for it. My gut instinct has been telling me that going on the trip would be really really bad for my health. But I followed along with my moms optimism for a while instead and tried to ignore my instincts. I got worse this weekend though, and then the next day I was worse, and the day after that I was worse. So today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision that I can't go to Hawaii. I weighed it a lot, and it was just a catch 22. Either I stay and be heartbroken and miserable at home, or I go and be sick and miserable there... In the end I decided I would rather just be miserable here than ware myself out and probably get more sick.

In and amongst all of me weighing the options, I actually figured out something interesting that I hadn't really realized before. I figured out that it would actually be harder on me emotionally to go to Hawaii than it would be to stay home. My mom was confused by me saying that, and to a lot of people I'm sure it won't make sense, but heres the thing... The last time we were in Hawaii was 4 years ago, right before I got sick. I was still myself, I was adventuring daily, I had energy, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was full of life and optimism and was ready to take on high school and then the world. I had plans, and big dreams. I was still myself. Then, everything changed. I lost everything, including myself when I got sick, and I didn't realize it but Hawaii represents everything I used to be. 

So, going to Hawaii now and being too sick to do anything, too tired to go out, and just staying in the room all day would be extremely painful for me. It should be a fun trip. The change of scenery should be something that would make me so happy, but I know thats now how things are with me. Its not the same anymore. Things that used to make me happy and used to be "me", are all just a painful reminder of all that I've lost because of my illness. I've lost 4 years of my life to this. 4 years. 

I know a lot of my emotional pain right now is because I cant stop thinking about how long I've been sick. Its a harsh reality that never gets easier to accept, and if anything, the longer I'm sick, the more it hurts me. 

I've never really let myself feel so many emotions or be so sad about all of this, but I feel like thats past due. For years, my mom has told me I should cry and let myself feel the emotional pain of my illness, and now that I am doing that she's much more worried about me and has said I need to "heal and move past it." The problem with that though, is its hard to move past it when I'm stuck. I can't move past something I'm still in the middle of. It'll just take time.

In the meantime, I feel like I need to be alone. I don't want people to try to cheer me up, I don't want to talk about it a bunch with people, and frankly its because no one really understands. I know that sounds like some teen-agsty crap, but this actually is true. No one really understands. Only someone who's been sick for years could really understand this feeling. It's a feeling of deep disappointment, one that you get from repeatedly getting let down and hurt over and over, and its not the kind of disappointment you feel from being let down by people either. I have that feeling too, but this ones different. I hurt on so may deep levels that most people probably can't even imagine how I feel.

(If a picture could describe how I feel right now it'd be this one.)

I'm watching everyone my age get jobs, move away to college, travel the world, and have adventures.... Those were my dreams. Those were things I'd always seen myself doing at this age too. It's so extremely painful to watch everyone else going out and living their lives how I always wanted to too, and the worst part is I can't do a goddamn thing about my life. 

I'm just stuck.

I'm not worried about how sad I am or how much I've been crying, or that I'm depressed and not really feeling like fighting anymore. I'm not giving up, but I need to feel all of this. I can't fight it right now, and frankly, I don't want to fight it anymore. I can't avoid feeling emotions forever. I just need to be broken for a while, and I'm okay with that. 

The last thing I want to say is a short story, and it's actually not too depressive either. I had a friend say something to me a year ago, the context to it is too long of a story to tell, but she said (about herself), "I'm looking for happiness in the place where I lost it." I felt like that was so poetic and beautiful. I hoped that someday I would get to do that, but I didn't really know when or where exactly I lost my happiness. I realized this week that Hawaii is the place I was happy last, and that someday I'll have to do that. I'll have to go looking for happiness in the place that I lost it. Sadly, "someday" isn't now, and I'm tired that all I'm ever promised is elusive "somedays", but thats what I've got. 

If any other sick people are reading this and can relate, feel free to message me if you need to vent to someone who understands your struggles. 
I know this was a pretty depressive post, but thats the reality of how being chronically ill goes, you have to deal with a lot of depressing things. I'm deciding to post raw, vulnerable truths about how much I hurt emotionally, because in my early years of being sick I felt so alone because I never heard about anyone else feeling like I did. If just one person reads this and feels less alone then I've accomplished what I wanted to by publicly sharing my feelings. 

Remember, it's okay to not be okay. 

Nothing lasts forever.

I hope someday you all find happiness in the place where you lost it.

Heres to someday...

🌌🌙💙

~July 27, 2016 • 4am~

Physical Pain vs Mental/Emotional Pain

Physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain.

I’m sure a good majority of all of you who just read that are deeply confused as to what I mean. Before I explain what I mean by that though, I first need to give some backstory about the types of pain I’ve felt in just this past week, and tell why this topic is on my mind. 

A few days ago I woke up in a bad mental state. I laid in bed that morning wanting to cry or throw up from how bad I was mentally. By that I mean that my OCD (and all that comes with that; germaphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, irrational fears, depressive thoughts, etc. It's all a domino effect after a certain point.) was so bad that it made me want to throw up. But instead of following my instinct to sleep all day and avoid having to deal life, I got up and ate. 

That was just the first hour of being awake. 

How bad it was when I woke up, that level of my mind going crazy, when it's so bad that it makes me want to throw up, that's when I start having panic attacks that I can't control. There's a very fine line before it turns into a panic attack and there's a very fine line of not being able to control it once a panic attack starts.

Luckily I've been through all of this so many times that I know all of my limits with things and I know what the points of no return are. -Pros and cons to having been sick for years.-  I’ve learned how to control and manage my daily pains and I do my best to control whatever the symptoms of the day are. I keep things from getting worse wayyyyyy more than people know. My whole day, from the time I woke up until I fell asleep was a struggle.

I didn't cry, despite having felt on the verge of crying off and on all day. I didn't throw up, despite that how bad I was mentally made me want to die. I didn't have a panic attack, despite....everything. That's all just thanks to my experience with controlling myself.

It's constant work to contain it all on days like that though; hence why I like to just be alone, and also hence why I'm very tired on days like that. 

All the ways I was being mentally effected were just because something going on in my body made it's way to my brain so it effected me neurologically. 

Staying aware that it's a chemical reaction and not me or not triggered by something situational is what keeps me as stable and sane as I stay. I stay aware that I’m not myself that day and thats what keeps me from totally losing it. But that means I have to state aware of that all day to not go crazy. It’s just plain, all-around very tiring. Luckily though, I know it's only temporary.

A few days after that bad mental health day, I had a really bad physical health day that was extremely pain filled. I wrote about that the other day. You can read that whole post if you want that story too haha. Here’s the link to it: Reflecting In The Aftermath Of A Bad Day.

This week I had a bad mental day and a bad physical day, and out of the two I had a harder time when my mind was falling apart. After years of experiencing many different kinds of pain on a day-to-day basis, I fairly quickly learned that physical pain is actually much easier to get through than mental or emotional pain. To some, I’m sure you’ll immediately understand that, and to everyone who doesn’t know why I would say something like that, I will now explain why I think that...

My body is only what I live in. It can literally break and fall apart, and who I am can still be completely intact because I am not my body. 

When it's my mind that falls apart though, it's very easy to lose touch with who I am underneath all of the abnormal chemical reactions happening in my head. It changes the way I think, and if that changed thinking lasts long enough who I really am just becomes a foggier and more distant memory. Eventually in time you forget what it feels like to think normally. 

It's easy to not be defined by your body. But if you're not defined by your mind either, then what are you defined by? 

I am not my body. 

I am not my mind. 

I am the soul that lives within all of me. 

~ You are defined by how you react to the uncontrollable things in life. ~

Whether it be your body or mind that you can't control, at the end of the day you are not defined by those things. 

You are not defined by if the things you can't control effect you. You are defined by how you let what you can't control effect you. 

~ It's inevitable that change (in whatever form) will happen and effect you, but you control how it effects you. ~

I'm not saying you can always control the way things effect you. Everyone will have their bad days, but how you look at the bad days; how you rise from bad days; how you look at life after bad days; how you look at yourself after bad days…That is something you can control. It's not always easy to control, but it is doable. 

~ You are only defined by the things you let define you. ~

I am not my illness. 

My illness continues to change my body and mind on a daily basis and that is simply out of my control. I've long accepted that fact. I control how I cope, and react to change though. I decide what outlook I have on life. 

~ When life drags you down you have the choice to decide what attitude you have. ~

I am controlled and limited in many ways by my illness, but there are always things we can't control in life.

I will not be defined by my illness. 

I made that decision a long time ago. 

I am defined by my inner strength, peace, determination, compassion, empathy, outlook, attitude, and so much more. I am defined by how I always make the most of life. I am defined by how despite having many reasons to give up, I never give up. I can't. I've actually tried and I am incapable of giving up. I won't accept defeat. 

~ I have lost many battles, but I will win this war. ~

I am defined by my ability to find positivity in every situation....And honestly I have my illness to thank for that. I have my illness to thank for this better, stronger person it molded me into...And that....

That is my silver lining. 

Any kind of pain is hard to deal with. To every person their pain is different, and their ability to cope and overcome it is different too. For me, I definitely have my reasons to believe that physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain, but to each his own…

For any other sick people out there, whether you're being limited and controlled and dragged down by physical pain or mental or emotional pain, never give up. I know how you feel. I know how much you want to give up some days, but don’t give in to that. Your pain won’t last forever. I know it sucks to have to wait for that “someday” that things will finally be better, but always, ALWAYS keep fighting. “Someday” will come and you will look back and be so happy and proud that you didn’t give up. I promise you won't regret not giving up.

In the meantime, while you’re still fighting and waiting for “someday”, remember these things... 

~ Find silver linings in everything. ~

~ Find positivity in everything. ~

~ Don't lose hope. ~

~ Chose how the things you can't control effect you. ~

~ Define yourself. ~

~ Never give up. ~

Most importantly...

~ You will lose battles, but always keep your determination to win the war, no matter what. ~