My Valedictorian Speech!

I was Valedictorian of my class!!! This is a video of my speech (posted to my YouTube channel), and below that are the words of my speech in a typed out version. (I'll be putting up a post that's more about my experience of being Valedictorian soon!) "Like all the other students behind me, I have a unique story as to why and how I ended up here. I'm lucky enough though, that I get the opportunity to actually share my story with you and tell you all a little bit about who I am.  Just a year ago I wrote an essay about my deep love and appreciation, for bacon. That's not a lie. That's me. That’s who I am.  I'm an insomniac, a blogger, a YouTuber, a writer, a book worm, a music lover, a musician, and many other things. I love super-heroes and sarcasm and singing loudly in the car. I talk to my animals like they're people and I answer for them too, because I'm totally not crazy at all. My nickname is Mayonnaise. Yes, you heard that right. Mayonnaise, like the condiment. They call me Mayo for short, but that's it’s whole own story.  My point is, I'm a total and complete weirdo! That's who your valedictorian is; a person who's nickname is Mayonnaise, who writes essays about bacon.  The future of America everyone. 🙌 Feel proud.  Aside from all the silly things I listed that I identify myself with, I didn't list one really big thing that takes up a huge portion of my life, and I didn't list it because I don't define myself by it.  I'm sick.  I've actually been very sick the last 4 years of my life. I started my freshmen year just as normally and optimistically as every other kid at Paso High, but not even halfway into the first week of school, I got really sick. I spent the rest of the year in and out of hospitals, seeing countless doctors and being tested for anything and everything they thought I might have.  My friends turned into strangers and my doctors became my friends. At a time in my life when my biggest worries should have been about school and friends, and boys and silly things like what to wear; I was waiting for test results to find out if I had cancer or a tumor or something that might kill me.  In the blink of an eye I went from all honors classes and previously having straight A's to not even being able to do simple addition, reading or writing. I couldn't even walk 10 feet without starting to black out either, and the summer before I got sick I was in water polo, swimming for hours at a time, and doing over 300 sit ups per practice.  My life and who I was was ripped away from me and I desperately clung to anything I could that was still me.  4 years later, I'm still sick. I’m immensely better, but I’m still sick. I just don't look it anymore. I'll smile and you'll see my normal looking exterior and you'll quickly notice my weird, silly, fun personality and you'd never know.... I still have insomnia and bad days. I was in the ER just a few weeks ago too because it was a really bad day. 5 years ago, I would've absolutely believed you telling me I would be valedictorian today. I had a 4.0. I was set up to go into advanced placement classes all through high school, then go straight to a university....I figured out that I took a lot of things for granted after I got sick.  4 years ago, I would've barely believed that I could even live through my illness. Just one year ago, I didn't even know if I could finish all my missed credits to simply graduate on time. The possibility of being valedictorian hasn’t crossed my mind in the slightest for years. Despite everything that's been thrown my way over the past 4 years, here I am, somehow still in the place I always dreamed I'd be. It feels right, and yet totally bizarre. After years of hell, I'm finally ending this chapter of my life, and it's still the ending I'd always wanted. It ends with me graduating as valedictorian, giving a speech about life…and bacon. I have Lyme Disease. But that's not something I identify myself with. 4 years later, it still takes up and controls the majority of my life and it's in every cell of my body, but I am not my illness.  It just took me a while to learn that I get to decide what things I let define me. We all get to make the choice for ourselves. We get to choose how we define ourselves.  I will not be defined by my illness. I want to take just a minute of my time here and use this amazing platform to spread some much needed awareness for Lyme Disease. For anyone who doesn't now what it is, all it takes is just one tiny tick bite and your life can be drastically changed. I really encourage everyone to just Google Lyme Disease and learn a little bit about it. I didn't even know what it was before I got it. Researching it and being aware of what it is can save your life.  Next, I want to take a minute to give a shoutout to the Paso Robles School District. I've gone tone to 4 different High Schools in the last for 4 years due to my complicated health issues. I have nothing but great things to say about all the people who helped with my schooling. All of my teachers have been so kind, caring, understanding and so helpful. They pushed me, even when I wasn't sure I could keep up with my work, but I did, and because of their encouragement I'm here today giving this speech. I just have to say, thank you so much. Truly.  I also have to take a minute to thank my family for their unwavering love and support. I would not still be alive today without the love of my family. Most importantly, I want to say thank you for believing in me when I stopped believing in myself. You knew I could still be all the things I wanted to be, and I'm glad you pushed me to not give up on myself. Thank you, I’m forever grateful for everything you all do for me.  You can't solely take credit for your accomplishments in life. This isn't just my award. I deffinitely didn't get here by myself. People always say it takes a village, and it really does. Who I am today is an accumulation of all the things I've been through and all the people in my life. My life isn’t what I thought it’d be, but I'm proud of who I am, and that's what really matters.  I feel lucky to be here. I feel lucky just to be alive. I'm grateful for the amazing people in my life. I'm proud to have graduated, and I'm so truly honored to be your valedictorian. This all means more to me than anyone could ever know.  Life…is like bacon. Sometimes it's not very good. Sometimes you burn it and you have to start over. But the beautiful thing about that, is the next batch could be perfect. Today is like a really good batch of bacon. The last thing I want to say isn’t just for my fellow graduating class. I’m not going to give you all the usual graduation speech ending where I tell everyone to go out and succeed and then use cliches like, “we are the future”  “this is only the beginning” “go change the world.” This is to everyone here, of any age, If you want some really good bacon go out and get the thick sliced kind. Pan fry it like you normally would, then put it on a sheet, brush it with maple syrup and oven bake it. Delicious. You’ll thank me later. The actual last thing I want to say to everyone is this, Live.  Go out and live. Don't take life for granted, because it can change in the blink of an eye. Don't let anything hold you back, especially yourself. Enjoy the little things, like bacon. Cherish the big milestones in life and the people you get to share them with.  Be fearless. Be shameless. Be happy.  And to quote a little band called journey, “Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.” I hope you all enjoy your new bacon recipe.  Thank you, and Congratulations class of 2016."

Physical Pain vs Mental/Emotional Pain

Physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain.

I’m sure a good majority of all of you who just read that are deeply confused as to what I mean. Before I explain what I mean by that though, I first need to give some backstory about the types of pain I’ve felt in just this past week, and tell why this topic is on my mind. 

A few days ago I woke up in a bad mental state. I laid in bed that morning wanting to cry or throw up from how bad I was mentally. By that I mean that my OCD (and all that comes with that; germaphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, irrational fears, depressive thoughts, etc. It's all a domino effect after a certain point.) was so bad that it made me want to throw up. But instead of following my instinct to sleep all day and avoid having to deal life, I got up and ate. 

That was just the first hour of being awake. 

How bad it was when I woke up, that level of my mind going crazy, when it's so bad that it makes me want to throw up, that's when I start having panic attacks that I can't control. There's a very fine line before it turns into a panic attack and there's a very fine line of not being able to control it once a panic attack starts.

Luckily I've been through all of this so many times that I know all of my limits with things and I know what the points of no return are. -Pros and cons to having been sick for years.-  I’ve learned how to control and manage my daily pains and I do my best to control whatever the symptoms of the day are. I keep things from getting worse wayyyyyy more than people know. My whole day, from the time I woke up until I fell asleep was a struggle.

I didn't cry, despite having felt on the verge of crying off and on all day. I didn't throw up, despite that how bad I was mentally made me want to die. I didn't have a panic attack, despite....everything. That's all just thanks to my experience with controlling myself.

It's constant work to contain it all on days like that though; hence why I like to just be alone, and also hence why I'm very tired on days like that. 

All the ways I was being mentally effected were just because something going on in my body made it's way to my brain so it effected me neurologically. 

Staying aware that it's a chemical reaction and not me or not triggered by something situational is what keeps me as stable and sane as I stay. I stay aware that I’m not myself that day and thats what keeps me from totally losing it. But that means I have to state aware of that all day to not go crazy. It’s just plain, all-around very tiring. Luckily though, I know it's only temporary.

A few days after that bad mental health day, I had a really bad physical health day that was extremely pain filled. I wrote about that the other day. You can read that whole post if you want that story too haha. Here’s the link to it: Reflecting In The Aftermath Of A Bad Day.

This week I had a bad mental day and a bad physical day, and out of the two I had a harder time when my mind was falling apart. After years of experiencing many different kinds of pain on a day-to-day basis, I fairly quickly learned that physical pain is actually much easier to get through than mental or emotional pain. To some, I’m sure you’ll immediately understand that, and to everyone who doesn’t know why I would say something like that, I will now explain why I think that...

My body is only what I live in. It can literally break and fall apart, and who I am can still be completely intact because I am not my body. 

When it's my mind that falls apart though, it's very easy to lose touch with who I am underneath all of the abnormal chemical reactions happening in my head. It changes the way I think, and if that changed thinking lasts long enough who I really am just becomes a foggier and more distant memory. Eventually in time you forget what it feels like to think normally. 

It's easy to not be defined by your body. But if you're not defined by your mind either, then what are you defined by? 

I am not my body. 

I am not my mind. 

I am the soul that lives within all of me. 

~ You are defined by how you react to the uncontrollable things in life. ~

Whether it be your body or mind that you can't control, at the end of the day you are not defined by those things. 

You are not defined by if the things you can't control effect you. You are defined by how you let what you can't control effect you. 

~ It's inevitable that change (in whatever form) will happen and effect you, but you control how it effects you. ~

I'm not saying you can always control the way things effect you. Everyone will have their bad days, but how you look at the bad days; how you rise from bad days; how you look at life after bad days; how you look at yourself after bad days…That is something you can control. It's not always easy to control, but it is doable. 

~ You are only defined by the things you let define you. ~

I am not my illness. 

My illness continues to change my body and mind on a daily basis and that is simply out of my control. I've long accepted that fact. I control how I cope, and react to change though. I decide what outlook I have on life. 

~ When life drags you down you have the choice to decide what attitude you have. ~

I am controlled and limited in many ways by my illness, but there are always things we can't control in life.

I will not be defined by my illness. 

I made that decision a long time ago. 

I am defined by my inner strength, peace, determination, compassion, empathy, outlook, attitude, and so much more. I am defined by how I always make the most of life. I am defined by how despite having many reasons to give up, I never give up. I can't. I've actually tried and I am incapable of giving up. I won't accept defeat. 

~ I have lost many battles, but I will win this war. ~

I am defined by my ability to find positivity in every situation....And honestly I have my illness to thank for that. I have my illness to thank for this better, stronger person it molded me into...And that....

That is my silver lining. 

Any kind of pain is hard to deal with. To every person their pain is different, and their ability to cope and overcome it is different too. For me, I definitely have my reasons to believe that physical pain is easier than mental or emotional pain, but to each his own…

For any other sick people out there, whether you're being limited and controlled and dragged down by physical pain or mental or emotional pain, never give up. I know how you feel. I know how much you want to give up some days, but don’t give in to that. Your pain won’t last forever. I know it sucks to have to wait for that “someday” that things will finally be better, but always, ALWAYS keep fighting. “Someday” will come and you will look back and be so happy and proud that you didn’t give up. I promise you won't regret not giving up.

In the meantime, while you’re still fighting and waiting for “someday”, remember these things... 

~ Find silver linings in everything. ~

~ Find positivity in everything. ~

~ Don't lose hope. ~

~ Chose how the things you can't control effect you. ~

~ Define yourself. ~

~ Never give up. ~

Most importantly...

~ You will lose battles, but always keep your determination to win the war, no matter what. ~

Reflecting In The Aftermath Of A Bad Day

Well I had a hell of a day...

Things can be going so smoothly, and then out of no where things can do a 180 and go downhill so fast. Sometimes I forget how quickly things can change, especially when it comes to my health. 

Today was like some kind of weird time warp of my life 2 years ago. I honestly don't know how I used to get through it all...

It's late and I'm tired. I'm just doing a lot of reflecting now, thinking about how far I've come.

Today was a bad day, to say the least. It was the most stressful, tiring and pain filled day I've had in I can't even remember how long. But overall, lately I've been doing pretty damn good. Today made me realize that. 

~ It takes bad days to really appreciate the good ones. ~

Today also reminded me how many people are there for me. Both of my parents came home to take care of me when I called saying I needed someone ASAP. My brother made me yummy soup for dinner, his girlfriend texted me asking if I was okay, my boyfriend offered to come over and bring me something, my best friends made me smile and laugh despite my bad day, all the girls who work for my parents were all concerned and sending good thoughts my way all day, and my doctor called my mom back after she messaged him about my bad day even though he was out of town. Everyone stopped what they were doing, my parents especially very literally so dropped what they were doing, and didn't hesitate to help me when I suddenly crashed out of the blue and needed people to catch me.  

~ Bad days make you realize who the people are in your life who are really there for you. ~

Pain and illnesses have a weird way of bringing out the best and the worst in people and situations. On one side I lost a lot due to my chronic illness, but it made me appreciate little things more than I ever could've had I not gotten sick. It made me see things and people and myself differently. It really made me appreciate the people who stayed in my life more than ever too.

Pros & Cons of today

Cons: I had the worst day I've had in a very long time, and it went from 0-100 in a matter of minutes. Also, note that I was home alone when it suddenly turned for the worse.

Pros: Tons of people came to my rescue. I didn't have to go to the hospital. My pain finally subsided. I ate decently today. I took all my pills. I showered. I laughed.

At the end of the day, the Pros outweigh the Cons, and that says a lot because I was in excruciating pain today. That says a lot about the people I have in my life and how much their unwavering support effects me when I faulter. 

Weird day...Super weird. I'm so drained, and I don't know why I feel thankful after such a crappy day.

Well actually, I do know why I feel thankful...

I feel thankful that days like today have become so rare. I'm thankful that so many people are so willing to drop everything to help me and take care of me on bad days. I'm proud of myself for getting through it, and I'm hopeful that things will soon get better again.

Important things I took away from today./ Things to remember./ Advice for anyone listening.

~ Be thankful for the good days and try to learn from the bad ones. ~

~ Don't let bad days make you lose hope in having good days. ~

~ Never lose faith in YOURSELF. ~

What Am I Doing Here?

So, I’m here. I finally made a blog after years of being on the fence about it. 

Why now, you ask? 

In short, I made this mostly because my mom pushed me to do it haha. 

Honestly, I've lost count of how many times people have told me I should write a book or have a blog about what I've been through. Starting a blog about this really is something I've wanted to do for a long time too. It's just that when I first got sick I didn't like to talk about being sick. At all. Practically in the blink of an eye being sick became my whole life, so obviously I didn't want to talk about what I was already living with 24/7. 

Only sick people will really understand that...

Once I started to get better I started opening up more about what I've gone through to family and friends. But I was determined to stay focused on school and not get too distracted with other things (such as creating a blog.) Once I was well enough to start doing school again I made it a top priority. Largely because I missed two years of school and knew it would be a struggle to catch up. It really was hard to catch up too, but my focus and determination is how I got it done. Now, I’ve got it all done, and a few months early too.

Since I just finished school and have a few months off until school starts again in the fall, and I feel ready to tell my story, I felt like this was the perfect time to start this. 

I have a long story and my first post is just barely the tip of the iceberg in telling it. I've learned tons and I want to share what I've learned. I have tips and tricks that I've learned over the years on how to cope and get through the ups-and-downs of being chronically ill. 

What I've been through isn't just relatable to other Lyme patients either. It parallels what so many other types of chronic illness patients go through every day. Symptom wise chronic illnesses can vary quite a bit, but the way we all live day-to-day is so much more similar than we all realize. 

What I've been through is relatable to all sorts of sick people. 

I was fairly young when I got sick with Lyme. I was 14 and now I’m 18. I’ve grown up while being sick. How I’ve grown up from a sick kid to a sick young adult gives me a unique point of view where that I can understand and relate to so many different ages of sick people.

• Kids can relate to me. I've grown up as a sick kid. I was young enough when I first got sick that I could/still can imagine how a kid would process getting sick. 
• I was a teenager, so therefore I completely can understand a teenagers mindset while going through an illness. 
• Now I'm 18. I was forced to grow up a lot due to my situation, and since I spent all of my time with adults, I understand an adults perspective too. 
• Not just that but I've been very close with my mom through all of this so I can understand a caretakers mentality. 
• I also know people who have Lyme too so I know how it feels to have a friend who has Lyme. 
• Last but not least, my brother has Lyme too so I know how it feels to have a sick sibling. 

I empathize for and can understand such a wide spectrum of mindsets of people who are effected by chronic illnesses. Thats why I’m here. I feel like my input on the topic of chronic illnesses and everything that goes with it could be very relatable and it has the potential to help a wide variety of people too.  

I feel like I can help people understand this undereducated and misunderstood topic; chronic illnesses and what it’s like to live with it. Plus, I feel like I can comfort and maybe help people who are going through what I've been through too.

What is my goal with this blog? 

I’m here to share my story, share what I've learned, teach people about Lyme and talk about what it's like to live with a chronic illness. I want to spread awareness for the illnesses that nearly cost me my life, and my ultimate goal is that I effect someone. If I effect just one person than I've done what I wanted to do here. 

I want to make a difference.…That’s why I’m here. 

My goal is to make a difference.

My Story

Where do I start?... 

I was 14 when I got sick. I was just starting High School, and like most freshmen, was vastly eager about what life had in store for me. I made it through 3 days of High School and then I was too sick to go. I progressively got worse for months. I saw doctors and had countless blood tests done weekly. I eventually started making almost monthly trips up to the bay area to see varying types of specialists at a large and very well respected hospital (that will remain unnamed.) Every doctor I saw over the course of that first year wracked their brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I saw some of the best and brightest of this hospital in the bay area, and no one figured out what I had for a year. In that year I went undiagnosed for a year I continued to get worse. 

To list some of my symptoms: I had debilitating migraines, light and sound sensitivity, I stopped sleeping (I slept every other day when I was at my worst. Or I was sleeping all day and was awake all night. I was a hardcore insomniac.), I also had tons of nightmares when/if I did sleep, I was horribly nauseous, I had chest and heart pain and heart palpitations, I had arthritis like body pain in every inch of my body, I had no energy (to the point that I lived on the couch and at one point I was so weak I could barley walk across the house), I had horrible brain fog and short term memory. Later on I got a tremor and muscle twitching that varied day to day, I got a "rash" that left me with purple stretch mark looking scars all over my mid back, and my legs (and under my toenails) would turn a purpley-blue color...And I'm sure I'm forgetting plenty! 

For comparison to know how sick I got (if you can't tell by all of that...): The summer before I got sick I was in the best shape of my life. I did water polo training over summer so I could join the team come water polo season. I was swimming for a few hours a day, I was doing 20 pushups and many other types of arm workouts, I was doing almost 400 sit ups every practice (and half of those sit ups were with an 8 lb. weight ball), I did tons of laps and could easily tread water for hours. Not only physically was I at my best, but I was also academically doing amazingly. I had straight A's all through school and by High School I was set up to do all AP all 4 years, and then I planned on leaving for a university as soon as I could...But everything changed when I got sick.

After a year of being undiagnosed and slowly getting worse and worse, I finally got tested for the right thing and got a diagnosis. I had Lyme Disease....I *have* Lyme Disease. 

I'm a planner. My whole life I never knew exactly what I wanted to be "when I grew up", but I always had a plan of getting through school and going away for college and traveling. But when I got sick it obliterated everything I had worked so hard for for so long to have my future planned out. Getting sick forced me to stay home and be isolated and due to that I lost all of my friends. I soon only had my family and doctors as my friends. My illness destroyed me. It chipped away at everything until I had nothing except my family. It almost killed me physicality and the toll it took on me emotionally almost killed me too. I was so deeply consumed by my illness and depression that I really only did live for my family...for a long time. 

Lyme Disease changed my life completely, in every way. It changed my day-to-day life drastically, it forced me to change my mindset and outlook on life, it changed what I eat, and what I do, and who the people are in my life, and my schooling and all the plans I had for the future. Getting Lyme totally changed me and my life, for better or for worse. 

I was 14 when I got sick. 

I was 15 when I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. 

I was 16 when I was dead inside and depression consumed me.

I was 17 when I finally started to find myself again.

I am 18 now. 

I still have Lyme Disease. I still have ups and downs with both my health and emotions, but it's nothing compared to how it used to roller coaster. I graduated High School early just a a few weeks ago (in March), after months of working my butt off. I have friends again, not many but they're enough. I have my two internet friends (who I met when I was 16) to thank for why I made it through my worst depressions. They're still my best friends. I don't know where I'd be without them. I have a boyfriend who is as good as they come. 

Most importantly though, I still have my family. They're the one and only constant that has never left my side through anything. We were always a close knit family but they truly became my best friends when I lost everything. They became my everything. They made me laugh and would make me forget all my pain and troubles even on my worst days, and all of our laughter is what got me through it all. I can't thank them enough for everything they've done for me... I truly would not be alive today to tell my story had I not had my family. Not just because they never gave up until we got answers and got results from treatment, but because their love was the only thing Lyme didn't and can never take away from me. It took everything away from me, but my families love just grew and grew and cradled me until I finally started to get strong again and finally re-found love for myself. 

I am 18 now. 

I still have Lyme Disease. I still have ups and downs. I never got my life back, but I have a new life. I'm truly happy for the first time in YEARS. I have new friends. I have a stronger family than ever. I've lived through almost dying and hitting rock bottom and through countless depressions. I'm stronger than ever. I love who I am. I'm proud of myself. I'm a survivor, and I'm going to keep being a survivor. 

I have a story to tell...

I am 18 now, and I decided it's time to tell my story.